Most of us have our own version of this story. Do you?

You met your wife x number of years ago. At first, it was great. Sweet connection. Wonderful sex. The urge to merge. You got engaged and then married.

And then you had a family and things changed over time. You were no longer each other’s priority. Kids came. Life took over. You’re not sure when or how it all happened exactly.

But in the aftermath, passion, desire, freedom were lost. The thrill was gone.

What happened to the passion and desire in your marriage?

For many guys, this is a common story. Responsibility and holding down the fort superseded everything else.

In hindsight, some guys say marriage feels like a con job. Or at the very least, a false promise that didn’t deliver.

In fact, it delivered the opposite – unhappiness. And an inability to get back to that loving feeling.

What happened to your relationship with your wife?

Somehow, somewhere along the path, just to survive, it’s likely that like a lot of couples, you both started going it alone.

She took care of the stuff she needed to. You had your domain. And you were like two ships passing in the night.

One day, you wake up. And you asked yourself, who is this person I’m married to?

You went from deep intimacy to significant alienation.

Remember when you felt like you could take on the world together?

In that togetherness, was a sense of passion, excitement, and freedom.

If we knew way back when that marriage would be so tough, would we still have done it?

I imagine, yes, we would. I would have. Back then, I was young and idealistic. I felt like I could take on the world.

What would it be like if you and your wife felt like you could take on the world again?

Marriage, as you may know, is often the antithesis of what we originally got from our relationship.

Marriage is about safety and security. It’s about knowing you’ll be there for her forever. And she’ll be there for you forever.

Often, in marriage, we trade passion and freedom for safety and security. And often, in doing so, we build a trap for ourselves.

And then the woman you dreamed about, the woman you married, faded into a distant past.

For a lot of guys, that’s ok. They just want peace. Things to be fluid. Not so much conflict.

And for other guys, they trade peace for passion through affairs, the strip club, porn, whatever can give them that loving feeling again.

Do you feel dead in your marriage?

Is passion even on your radar with your wife?

Maybe you go to a strip club, use a lot of porn, or are having an affair. Some of the men I coach have this going on. And I have no judgment of their behavior.

I get it. It’s just an attempt to meet unmet needs. Needs that they’re resigned to not getting met in their marriage.

And while men can get vilified for these behaviors, ultimately they’re good guys. Many carry the weight of betrayal.

They know that they are not making good decisions long term. In the end, he wants to keep his family together and also wants to get his needs met.

What if you could get your needs met with your wife as if she were your mistress?

Yeah right, man. Not possible, you might say.

Consider this next sentence. “The amount of passion in a relationship is commensurate with the amount of uncertainty you can tolerate.” Coach and author Tony Robbins said this.

This means taking on uncertainty in your relationship that you’d otherwise avoid. Asking hard questions. Having vulnerable conversations.

Are you up for that?

Are you willing to have hard conversations with your wife to ignite what was lost?

If so, know you can’t do it alone. Check out the video below to help you ask yourself a key question to get started.

Below, I speak further to that question.

It’s a question that relates to something I talk about often. And that is the unlived life of the couple.

When a man and woman become invisible to each other, when they decide at a certain point, it’s easier to just go it alone.

And in the pursuit of safety and security, a man and a woman go about it alone. They live their lives separately, still married. But not as a team unit.

The question I like to ask is simply this.

Where is the “us” in our relationship? Is there any sense of a unified team?

If not, marriage is very lonely. Your needs, which often we guys don’t even acknowledge exist, get unmet.

And in the vacuum of unmet needs build resentments.

“She’s this. She’s that. She never….” Fill in the blanks for your situation.

When you dig a little deeper, beyond your resentments, you will see unmet needs.

What are your unmet needs with your wife?

And how do you kill the passion in your marriage by not addressing those needs, not taking risks or uncertainty?

Do you choose safety over being authentic?

Take on the risks and you stand a much better chance of rebuilding your sense of a unified team in your marriage.

I remember when my wife and I felt unified, we felt like we could take on the world. We felt energized. We felt excited about us.

Do you feel an excited sense of “us” in your marriage?

If not, I won’t b.s. you. It’s work. But it’s not rocket science.

And when you’re willing to put in the work, just like going to the gym, you can build the muscles to create a kick-ass relationship.

What would it look like for you to create a kick-ass marriage that had passion and freedom?

To discover, check out the resources in the video above or take the first step and let’s have a quick chat.

A guaranteed, powerful conversation to help you get the upper hand on your marriage. I’d be honored to hear from you.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest, real conversation between two guys. No sales pitch. To get started, shoot me a quick email.

And for the many women reading these emails (yes, 50% of you), check out this special link just for you women.

And for the men who aren’t ready to talk 1:1 but still want to transform their marriage, check out the Men’s Relationship Tools weekly zoom calls, formerly known as The Men’s Relationship School.

The new name better reflects what I’m up to, which is a place for men to get concrete tools to create the marriage they seek.

Reply “MRT Yes” to join your first call for free.