I often hear guys say…
“I can never make her happy” or “we never have sex.” They want change but don’t know how to enact it. They feel stuck.
Can you relate?
Their obvious options for getting help include therapy, a couples counselor, or a men’s group. None seem super enticing. However, some guys try anyway and experience mixed results.
I was in therapy for 11 years, saw couples counselors on and off during a 20-year marriage, and spent 18 years attending men’s groups. I saw firsthand how much these approaches have to offer. I also saw how they fell short in helping a man fix his relationship problem.
After 20+ years in the growth game, 20 years working on a marriage, and 15 years facilitating thousands of men through local and international men’s programs, I took the long route to getting what I wanted in my relationship. But first, I had to hit rock bottom.
I was the guy…
in the Talking Heads song “Once In A Lifetime,” 20 years married, with the beautiful house and wife asking, “How did I get here?”
What a cliché, I remember thinking. I’m smarter than this. How did I still end up here?
A lot of buried problems were blowing up on me. The costs of staying in my marriage were greater than the benefits. I was tired of settling. I couldn’t tolerate it anymore. I wanted change.
For years prior, I had tried to escape my marital problems. I smoked pot, watched porn, and worked a lot. While I read personal growth books, listened to podcasts, and went to men’s retreats, I was not doing the real work with a professional who would help me face the more difficult problems.
Like most men…
I feared being weak. But to others, I wore a tough guy mask to pretend I was strong.
Inside, I hated myself for it. I was bullshitting myself. Every guy hates a bullshit artist, especially if it’s himself.
Most of all, I feared being the asshole…
who destroyed his family. The jerk whose teenage son would hate him forever. I imagined that if I changed my marriage, I’d be doomed to financial chaos.
While I’d done a ton of work…
on myself, I was running away from the root of my problems. It didn’t stop, until I stepped in the room with a guy who set me straight.
I found a coach and ally who I wasn’t able to deceive. Where so many therapists, counselors, and fellow guys in my men’s groups fell for my truth-dodging, he saw right through it.
His fierce clarity gave me…
what I was aching for: truth, honesty, and direction. Instead of feeling like a failure, I felt relief. I felt peace of mind. I realized that I was finally going to deal with what I’d been avoiding.
And it was then that I got clear on how to pursue what I wanted in relationship – sex, love, trust, respect, and admiration.
I’ve heard it said…
in work and life, go after what breaks your heart. Having lived for years with daunting marital challenges with little forward movement, it breaks my heart to see see men slogging through their days, stuck in a relationship that depletes the hell out of them.
The damage guys fear from making changes are far less dangerous than the toll of doing nothing and staying miserable for years. Keeping up that kind of dynamic is brutal on a guy, his wife, and his children.
That’s why I…
developed an alternative approach based on the tools and processes that actually helped me and my clients. That’s why I invested 20 years and a ton of effort to learn from those that actually made a difference to guys like me. I took the long roundabout way, so my clients don’t have to.
In the end…
I have no doubt that you deserve better, and it’s absolutely possible. This is why I do what I do: to help men become strong and skillful in relationship, in service of stronger couples, happier families, and more fulfilled humanity.
If you want this as well…
