“Happy wife, happy life.”

“It’s your job to make her happy.”

“If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

No doubt you’ve heard one or all of these expressions. Maybe one of these voices lives in your head.

How do you make your wife happy?

Every month I talk to guys who approach their marriage as a “wife happy-making” endeavor.

They realize they’re not happy. So they go with this belief…

If I can make her happy then I can be happy.

Do you prioritize your wife’s happiness over your own?

If so, I honor your intention to be selfless, to be a good man, to put your wife first.

But I will also add it’s disingenuous. Meaning you’re not being honest.

You have an ulterior motive; and that is your own happiness.

Do you try to meet your wife’s needs to get her to meet yours?

Let’s be clear, this is classic human nature. There’s no shame in having an ulterior motive.

That’s part of what makes us human. We are constantly scanning the landscape of our lives to see what we can get and where we can get it.

But until we acknowledge this, we will do the sideways game of seeking our own happiness through our partner’s.

What if you just went directly after what you want?

First, you’re more likely to get it. And second, you’ll be less frustrated.

The first way to do so is to call out the old pattern of trying to make her happy. And get clear on the disingenuity of it. Read this next sentence twice if necessary.

Nobody can make anyone happy.

Sure, you can offer acts of kindness or loving words in a moment.

But you can’t make anyone happy on a long-term basis.

Her happiness is her responsibility.

That means she, just like you, has to get clear on her authentic wants and needs and advocate for them in a relational manner.

Screaming, complaining, cutting you down is not relational. Nor is walking out, avoiding, withdrawing, or stonewalling.

If this is your reality with your partner, check out how to stop old and unhealthy patterns.

So how can you be happy if she’s not happy?

In the video below, learn to claim your own well-being in relationship without putting her needs above your own.

And so, ask yourself another question, beyond how do I make my wife happy.

A question that brings you to the third entity of the “we.” Beyond you and beyond her.

A place for you both to do the work to meet in between.

How do you create a kick-ass relationship?

Dive deeper. Shoot me a quick email. Let’s jump on a 15 minute call and see how 1:1 coaching can benefit you.

Or join me at one of these two online trainings.

Men’s Relationship Tools weekly call on Tuesdays at 12pm ET, a couching roundtable for any man to get relationship support, for only $47/month.

A Confident Man’s Path To Relationship for 6 weeks on Tuesdays 7:30-9pm ET at $395, limited to 8 men, with the focus on prospering through the holidays.