“This being human is a guest house” is the first line from a Rumi poem. The line means things happen in life and we get to decide if we flow with them or resist.

It speaks to when you feel like things are happening TO you instead of FOR you.

In your marriage, that might be the same old conflict with your wife about the dishes in the sink or the trash not being taken out, or the kids getting to school late.

And you’re thinking to yourself, really, this again?

It’s then that you often internalize a bunch of crappy self-talk.

Do any of these statements feel true for you?

When she freaks out, I want to hide.

I need to make her happy before I can be happy.

If I upset her, I’m a bad man.

It’s easy to stay stuck in the weeds and just feel the impact of what’s happening to you. But the problem is over time it creates an inner voice that says, I’m screwed if I don’t … A, B, or C… (fill in the blank)

Instead, what if you could say…?

When she freaks out, I’m ok.

I contribute to her happiness when I prioritize my own.

If I upset her, she’ll be ok.

It would be a game-changer, wouldn’t it?

You’d be able to get what you want in your marriage – for things to settle down, for peace, for you and your wife to be good together – and for you, to be a calm, confident, and loving husband in charge of his marriage.

So what stands in the way of getting what you want?

It boils down to this one thing. Something I’ve seen time and again in 15 years of coaching guys. It is a belief that you have to be a certain guy for her to be ok.

It could be the good guy, the unflappable man, or the perfect husband.

You start to think, If I could just be that guy, things would settle down. You put on a mask to try to be that guy and in the process, lose who you really are. And it feels terrible.

What if you could stop wearing a mask and just be you?

It’s a great question and I’ll get to that in a moment.

But unfortunately, you often have to get hit by a 2 x 4 to the head first before you even know there’s a problem.

And often that looks like waking up in the middle of the night in a sweat, thinking – Holy shit, I don’t even know who the hell I am with her anymore.

But let me tell you something. And this might be a bitter pill to swallow. It ain’t on her. It’s on you.

You’re the one who thought you needed to be someone else for her.

You’re the one who bought into this idea that it was your job to make her happy.

Sure, she might’ve encouraged along the way. But you gave yourself away.

Do you wear a mask to try to make your wife happy?

The good news is once you see what’s going on, you have the power to change it. You can take off the mask and take back control. Check out the video below to do just that.

When you take off the mask – be it the good guy, the perfect husband – and just be you, a guy doing his best to show up better every day in his marriage, a whole new world opens up.

A world in which you can calm down, get out of the weeds, and be in a much stronger position to save your marriage.

And this is a big thing that the guys I work with do. Their self-talk changes. It transforms to…

I want to take responsibility here. And I want to step up my game.

I want to take off this damn mask I’ve been wearing. And I want to stop posturing.

And I want to take action. Because nobody is coming to save me.

Let’s face it. It sucks wearing a mask with the person you love the most.

Chances are she’s got her own mask as well.

The beauty of you taking off your mask first is she’ll be much more likely to follow. And then you can both be truly visible to one another, authentic, and loving.

Are you ready to take off the mask you’ve been wearing in your marriage and be the calm, confident, and collected you?

If so, check out these options I have for you.

First, a 60-minute free coaching call guaranteed to get you a major “AHA” on how to up your game in your marriage.

Second, The Men’s Relationship School, for guys who are tired of scrolling through free internet content and youtube videos, and are not ready to invest in 1:1 coaching, and want to step into action beyond information.

• Three weekly live calls per month with me. Get your relationship questions answered.
• A group of guys to walk with you, so you don’t go it alone. A huge thing we guys miss.
• Books & resources to up your game, so you get new reframes & ideas.
• Action items to move you into action to change your relationship.
• Audio recordings of prior calls to revisit key concepts & in case you can’t make a call.

​Third, check out my free men’s-only private Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship for inspiring daily relationship tips and action items just for men.