Hell no. Don’t listen. Hell yeah. You better listen. Which is it?

We’ll get there but first, what happens inside of you when she says, “I need to talk”?

For many men, it’s, Uh, oh, I’m in trouble, again?  What did I do this time?

How’s that possible? You never get it right? I often wondered during 20 years of marriage.

Whether you listen or not, the talk is coming. So she launches into it. The first missile comes.

You’re not emotionally present.
You’re not on her team.
You’re not around enough.
All you want is sex.

It all gets mixed into the woman bitching tape in your head. And you start drifting.

And now, she’s even more frustrated because she sees you’re gone. “Are you even listening?” And then you wonder, Jeez, can’t you see I’m trying?

• Why does this cycle play out so often for us as men?
• Why does she always need to talk?
• What can you do differently?

First, do you want to do anything differently? Do you love this woman? Or are you just paying dues to not be alone in life?

Know this; it’s called your “buy-in factor.” It’s where you get to anchor into what she means to you. Is she your queen or just a placeholder? Nobody forces you to be in relationship. Own it.

Second, notice your reaction. In the moment that she asks you to talk, ask yourself, How am I doing? Am I jacked up? Can I really listen right now? Do I have the bandwidth?

Maybe you just came home from work and you’re exhausted. Or you’re just caught off guard.

“Babe, I want to hear what you have to say. Can we talk in a half hour?” Or maybe you suggest tomorrow.

Know this too; you can’t be there for her if you’re not there for yourself first. This is called your autonomy.  You are a separate being from her. Honor your autonomy with self-care; it serves her too. And you’ve now modeled it for her as well.

Third, is she willing to honor your autonomy?

“Sure, tomorrow would be okay.” Or does she just complain? “No! I need to talk now! You never make time for me!”

Know which woman you are with. It will change your life.

So, let’s say you took some time. You showered, cleared your head. A half hour has passed. You’re ready to listen actively – not thinking about solutions or how you can fix her.

She dives in. I this… I that…. You that…. You this…

In no time, it happens again. Anxiety rises. You feel suffocated. The same old script runs in you, I can’t do this – screwed again.  But this time, you notice it. And instead, you flip out your best weapon yet.

You take a deep breath. And because you’ve read this (or something like it), you know it’s not her who’s the problem. Someone else has you triggered. Can you guess who?

… drumroll please… no peaking…  Did you peak?

…it’s… the little boy within you. The boy you once were. The boy who didn’t get enough attention when you were a kid. The boy who feels like he’s being trampled on by her.

He’s freaking out because he fears you’ll abandon him again. You’ll check out from keeping him safe, all caught up in her and her problems.

He feels completely sidelined by her because she has so many needs (so he thinks). And he freaks out. It’s no wonder that she feels like she’s in the room with a little boy and not a man.

The freak out, the anxiety, it’s all inside of you, it’s the boy.

Zen priest say, the greatest hell is the hell inside of you. Okay, I’m no Zen priest, but you get the point.

To get better at listening to her, talk to the boy. Yes, it sounds crazy but it works; it has time and again with my clients and myself for years.

And the talk is as simple as this: “Hey little guy, you’re okay. We’re okay. She’s freaking out, not us. We’re fine.”

And yes, while she’s talking, you’re having this conversation with your little boy. But it’s in service to her and you – to get back into the room with her.

Suddenly, space opens inside of you. The little boy doesn’t feel hijacked and you’re available to listen. The man is back.

At 10 minutes into her talking (set a timer if need be), you ask for a breather, so you can reflect back what she said to you. You want to make sure you got it right. After all, your goal is to hear her.

After reflecting back, you ask, “Is there anything else?”

She pauses for a moment, taken out of her drama and neurosis. And she realizes there isn’t. She feels heard. She relaxes in your manly awesomeness.

And it dawns on you, Holy shit, this was a test. A sincere authentic test. She was truly wondering, Is my husband (partner) on my team?

Now she knows. She’s happy. You did not fail her. You were a rock star.

And, of course this is not your goal, but you might get a little loving afterwards– the best in months or even years.

Rock on, brother. Rock on.

So remember BAT. Simple enough.

Buy in.
Autonomy.
Tend to the Little Boy

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