Feeling quite desperate and overwhelmed with everything in my life – from running my business, helping run a household, raising a son, and all the other stuff that comes with it.

I knew I was depleted. I had lost a lot of energy in my relationship with my wife. We would go from brief moments of energized closeness to long desert spans of disconnection and mere functioning.

I remember asking myself…

How long can I make this last?

I was questioning the life I was living.

I had little in the tank with my wife after many attempts to heal the rifts between us, through therapy, counseling, or workshops.

The work we did on our marriage was mostly hail mary attempts, instead of committed, sustained efforts.

We just couldn’t seem to get on top of things to keep a strong connection. She struggled with a lot of chronic illnesses. I struggled with trying to hold up so much, so she could rest and heal.

I was in that classic scenario of burning the candle at both ends. Running hard to maintain a reality – work, family, marriage – that seemed to have no reprieve from stress or effort in sight.

It’s one thing to know relationship is hard work. It’s another to feel like it’s a mountain crushing you.

How can I keep going like this?

I often woke up, thinking this.

I wanted more love, trust, connection, sex, and yet it seemed like my wife and I were distant planets orbiting one another in separate galaxies, missing each other again and again.

And with the pain of it all, it was easy to hide out in the daily functioning of life, instead of making each other a priority and really taking command of our marriage. I really wanted that but it didn’t seem like it was a priority for her.

As I questioned the future of our coupledom, I began to get clarity that our future would be decided, not by some mysterious fate or hail mary attempt to make things better.

Nor would it be decided on how she received me. I already had a ton of data on that.

But instead, I got clarity of the future of our relationship through a simple question that I knew was critical for me to answer. And that simply was…

How much more work do I want to put into this marriage?

With that, came also… what do I have left in the tank?

Once I knew the answer, I got clear of how much more effort I was willing to put into the marriage.

I got clear on what I was willing to do to make the marriage work.

And what I was not willing to do. 

Where I still had skin in the game.

And where I was done.

Are you clear on how much work you’re willing to put into your relationship?

If not, you’re likely spinning in endless hypothetical scenarios in your mind.

If I do A, maybe she’ll do B. Or if I do C, maybe she’ll do D. It’s enough to drive a guy nuts. And it typically leaves him more confused than clear.

To get more clarity on if your relationship will last, check out the video below where I take you deeper into knowing where you’re in and where you’re out.

Most guys I know want their relationship to last.

They don’t want to give up on their partner. They don’t want to feel like a failure, especially when they’re married with kids and shared assets on the line.

But still they have thoughts of throwing in the towel, trying to imagine another life.

How do you really know when you’re done in a relationship?

It’s a huge decision and one made so much less stressful when you begin to access your inner clarity and authority.

Once you have that clarity, then you can begin to move toward an action plan. You can be fully aligned on where you’re willing to step in and what you want moving forward.

To help you get your clarity, let’s have a quick chat. A guaranteed, powerful conversation to help you get the upper hand in your marriage.

And to be clear, talking means no sales job, just an honest conversation between two guys keeping it real.

I’d be honored to hear from you. Even the first small step to shoot me a quick email is a huge act of courage.

The post Will My Relationship Last? appeared first on Stuart Motola.

It happened to me when I was just 5 years old. It was then that I first learned fear wasn’t okay for a boy.

I remember my older brother, who was eight at the time, said to me, “What are you afraid of, you little baby? Little Stu Stu’s gonna cry. Scaredy cat.”

BAM! Message received. It’s not ok to experience fear.

How old were you when you first felt fear?

Maybe you have a story like me where someone, an older sibling, a kid on the playground, or an adult said, fear is not welcome here.

If so, chances are that like me and most men, you learned to put fear underground at a young age.

And then you buried it years later as an adult in your marriage. It happens in many ways.

I fear her blowing up on me again.

Will she go all cold and distant again?

I fear being alone if things don’t work out.

Is my marriage a failure?

In over 15 years of coaching men in relationship, I’ve seen men respond to their fears in two primary ways.

How do you handle fear in your relationship?

One is the tough-guy approach. A man buries his fear and acts like he’s whipped it but underneath it’s driving his behaviors.

Verbal tantrums. A need to control things. A sense of never being safe but projecting otherwise.

The second way is the wimp approach. A guy tries to do all he can to make sure he doesn’t upset his partner. He walks on eggshells.

Ultimately, he tries to get safe from his fears by trying to make everyone else safe but inside, he’s a wreck.

His partner feels no safety with him. She has no sense of his boundaries. She never knows where he really stands on things because he follows her like a ping pong ball.

What’s your greatest fear in your relationship?

Both approaches try to make fear go away. But fear doesn’t just go away. It goes underground, into the shadows.

And it can keep a man stuck in a toxic relationship for years on end.

The biggest fear I’ve seen coaching men is a man’s fear of being alone.

Of course, saddle that up with fear of being a failure, fear of letting down his kids. And the list could go on and on.

But his fear of being alone is the giant elephant in the room. Once a man gets past it, he’s finally free to create the marriage he ultimately wants.

How does fear of being alone impact how you approach your relationship?

Consider, instead of getting past fear, conquering fear, or burying it, all of which create an inner civil war, developing a relationship with fear.

Own it. Don’t project it onto your partner. And don’t let it hold you hostage in a toxic marriage.

How can you use fear of being alone to work for you instead of against you?

Learn more in the video below.

Do you stay in a challenged marriage for fear of being alone?

That fear can be crippling. It keeps you at a low energy level. And it keeps you divided in your relationship.

What if instead, fear had a valuable message for you? And you could receive that message?

That’s when you’ll be freed up to be the man you want to be in relationship – confident, capable, and caring.

It’s time to end your inner civil war with fear.

Action is the only way to get out of living the rest of your life in fear.

Take a first simple step. Shoot me a quick email. Let’s talk for 45 minutes. A guaranteed, powerful conversation to help you get the upper hand on fear.

And when we talk, there’s no sales job, just an honest conversation between two men being kind and real.

I’d be honored to hear from you because I know that even the first small step of an email is a huge act of courage.

If that’s too big of a step for you, consider checking out the Men’s Relationship School where we are talking about sex, marriage, and more.

Join your first call for free by replying now. Or just sign up for $47/month.

And lastly, if you´re currently going through a divorce, reply to get the support you need during a hard time.

The post What To Do When Fear Of Being Alone Keeps You Stuck In A Toxic Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Then there’s another group of guys in the marital battle zone. No sex. The house is on fire. And in response, they try to ignore it. Or they have a fire hose spraying everywhere. But still, the fire’s not going out.

And then there’s a rare few men who have an engaging, fulfilling marriage. They have good sex. They navigate conflict well with their wife. And they feel a sense of trusted home in their wife.

Which of these guys are you?

The first two guys are at a much higher risk of marital dissolution, a kind way of saying getting blindsided by divorce papers.

A fact: Of college-educated couples, it’s the woman 90% of the time who initiates divorce.

Yes, even the first guy. The one who thinks things are fine. He is totally shocked when he gets served papers. He’s like what, how’s that possible? I thought we were fine.

The second guy knows things are bad. But he doesn’t think she’ll pull the divorce trigger. He thinks she’s invested in staying. That’s why she hangs around, even though the house has been on fire for a while.

Are you at risk of getting blindsided by your wife asking for a divorce?

It’s a tough question to answer. And more than trying to cause fear in you, I’m interested in opening your eyes to the reality that this is happening left and right.

Knowledge is power. 90%. That’s a big number.

Regardless, most men would rather not deal with this. He thinks, I’m doing what I can. Or we’re fine, there’s nothing to worry about.

But what if you could see the warning signals. The red flags that she’s got divorce on her mind.

Did you know that women often decide two years prior to asking for a divorce?

Two years. Yeah, I know, it’s crazy. That’s a long time.

But the opportunity for you as a man, who cares about his family, who wants his marriage to work, is to do something critical now.

That something is simple but it takes some work. And I say it in two words in the video below.

Ok, I’m not going to be one of those guys who force you to watch a video to get the answer.

But I explain them more in-depth in the video above. So click on it now and keep the Youtube window open on your phone or laptop to watch when you have a moment.

Those two words are simple. Pay Attention.

Yes, pay attention to the state of your marriage. Pay attention to her body language. The way she looks at you or ignores you. Pay attention to the energy she does or doesn’t give you.

Do you know the signs of a woman who’s decided to divorce?

She’s given up hope. She doesn’t see any real reason to engage you directly anymore. She might have sex now and then, but emotionally she’s checked out or she’s stuck in complaint mode.

When you start to pay attention to her signals, you’ll have a read on the state of your marriage. And you’ll start to notice the #1 reason women blindside men with divorce.

And that is, they are emotionally unfulfilled in the marriage.

They have a voice in their head that says, He’s clueless. He’s checked out. I’m tired of this crap.

What can you do about your marriage?

Start talking to quality men. Men who are working on their marriage in a good way. Guys who are positive about their wives and have good ideas.

The problem is most of us guys don’t know any men like that. And that’s precisely why I created the Men’s Relationship School, where quality men are having powerful conversations to take charge of their marriage.

It’s where we use knowledge that could be dangerous to us and turn it into building strength in ourselves and our relationship.

Let’s face it. The state of your marriage, as much as you might try to avoid it, reflects the state of your life.

If you’re not a group guy and you want to consider 1:1 coaching, shoot me a quick email.

And lastly, if you´re going through a divorce, reply to learn how to divorce amicably for the well-being of your kids & your own mental and emotional health.

The post How Not To Get Blindsided By Your Wife Asking For A Divorce appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Maybe you’ve heard of them.

Maybe you’ve even heard that they are good for your marriage or relationship.

And yet maybe you’re still trying to figure out how the heck to implement them.

If that’s you, you won’t want to miss this podcast in which I speak in detail about:

• How to deal with the childish part of you that says either “I’m gonna let her have it” or “I need to take it from her.”
• How to implement healthy boundaries to deepen trust, intimacy, and happiness with your partner.
• Two types of boundaries and when to use which.
• And much more.

Tune in below.

Good Boundaries Make Great Marriages

And if you want to discuss with other guys going through the same struggles, try out The Men’s Relationship School.

For 2022, I have reduced the cost of The Men’s Relationship School by 50%. That’s 3 to 4 live group calls with me every month. Check it out with a money-back, no-questions-asked guarantee.

If you’re not a group guy, let’s explore what’s possible for you. Send me a quick email.

The post How Good Boundaries Make Great Marriages appeared first on Stuart Motola.

What do you do?

In the past month, two clients told me a version of this story above.

Both were stunned at their kids’ responses when they told them that they might be headed for divorce.

Can you imagine what the kids said?

“I’m surprised you hung in there so long. I thought you and mom would’ve divorced years ago.”

Is your marriage working? Is it serving you, your wife, and your kids?

Hey, I’m not a homewrecker. I really do want marriages to work out.

But I also don’t believe it’s wise to stay in a marriage that you want to leave just for fear of how it will impact your kids.

And that’s especially true with two miserable, stressed-out parents.

What if you could divorce with the love you married with?

On the Mankind Podcast, my most vulnerable podcast ever, I recently shared:

• The most difficult conversations that men avoid with their wife.
• My own personal story away from divorce and into emancipation.
• How divorce is an unsavory word and what to use instead.

Check it out now.

If you´re on the brink of divorce, reach out to me to learn how to divorce lovingly and wisely, for the well-being of your kids & your own mental and emotional health.

And if you want to discuss with other guys going through the same struggles, try out The Men’s Relationship School. For 2022, I have reduced the cost of The Men’s Relationship School by 50%. That’s 3 to 4 live group calls with me every month. Check it out with a money-back, no-questions-asked guarantee.

The post Tough Conversations Men Avoid With Their Wife appeared first on Stuart Motola.

His wife’s over-spending on excessive gifts.

Trying to be “joyful” with her when you’re just not.

The sense of obligation to be on your best behavior for the kids.

It can all leave a guy dreading the holidays. Yet these are mere symptoms of a bigger problem a guy often misses.

The real source of a man’s dread is the sense that he has to behave his way through his wife’s holiday agenda. She does all the planning and we guys just go along with it all.

He struggles to assert his wants and needs, and to even know he has any wants and needs for the holidays.

What do you want this holiday season?

A lot of men say, I just want to be left alone. I just want some peace. I just want to watch the game on the sofa.

Great, do that. But don’t check out altogether from your family. That’s playing small.

Show up. Play big this holiday season. Take charge. Do the work of asking yourself, what would I really enjoy?

In the absence of that, the holidays can feel like a bunch of boring obligations. Instead, make it a special, fulfilling time of the year to love and connect with your family.

Do you want to enjoy the holidays this year?

If so, do this. Claim what you want for yourself and your family this holiday season.

Don’t just be a passenger on your partner’s holiday program. Take initiative, co-pilot, and assert yourself.

Yes, you can do this, even if you’ve followed your partner’s lead for 15 years. Even if she questions you. I know. That was my deal.

And being a co-creator means first, get clear on what you want for your holidays, then speak it to your partner, and then make clear agreements with her about what the holidays will look like.

That could be as simple as you saying, “I want to go for a hike or walk on Christmas or New Year’s Day.”

Or I want to sing karaoke to Bruce Springsteen’s “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town.”

Or I want to create time for all of us to speak what we’re grateful for.

What would your best holidays look like?

The default for most guys is to resign themselves to sitting on the sidelines and letting his partner take the lead. To not rock the boat.

But you know what that looks like – a lot of obligations. You can do better.

When I feared my wife rejecting my wants, I still went after them.

“Ok,” I said. “You guys don’t want to go for a walk on Christmas day. Well, I’m going to take an hour to go for a walk by myself.”

And super important, was to include the benefits to her of me getting what I wanted.

“And this will actually allow me to be more present with you and Jake (our son) and enjoy our time together,” I added.

No fights. Win-win.

If this sounds nuts to you, chances are it’s just what you need. Resistance has that way of showing us exactly what we need.

What’s possible for you this holiday season?

Let go of your resentments and embrace joy together this holiday season.

Don’t just be on your best behavior for the kids but actually love on one another.

Use the holidays as a time to reignite your relationship and become a new, bold, and confident man in your relationship for 2022 at The Men’s Relationship School.

• Learn simple strategies for the holidays to be cool & collected with your partner.
• Discover how not to trip up when she wants to break the bank this holiday season.
• Set yourself up to go into 2022 as a new assertive you in relationship.

For the next month, join The Men’s Relationship School for half price at $45 with the “checkitout” code.

Also included is a money-back, no-questions-asked refund if you’re not happy with the monthly program.

And another thing, did you know that statistically, divorce rates peak in January?

For those guys on the brink of divorce, a powerful small group of 4 men are learning to use divorce NOT as failure, NOT as self-destruction but as a HEALTHY & POWERFUL reconfiguration of their family and their selves.  Shoot me a quick email to learn more about this exclusive group.

And if you’re not ready for action and are still in the information-gathering stage, check out my free men’s-only private Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship for inspiring daily relationship tips and action items just for men.

Happy Holidays!

The post Husband’s Holiday Dread Syndrome appeared first on Stuart Motola.

In fact, it’s something you should’ve known way before you even got married.

It’s precisely because you don’t know this one thing that you may be in a marriage that drains you more than fulfills you.

And it can put you in a position where you feel like you’ve lost yourself with your wife and wonder…

Who I am with her? Do I want to continue as things are?

You might even feel like you can do nothing right for her. Or you have to walk on eggshells around her.

I remember years ago when I was in this position, thinking, what I wouldn’t give to get clarity on the future of my marriage. If I only knew then what I know now.

Regardless, what I learned is this one thing. A thing that is critical to know if you want to stay in your marriage or not.

Do you want to know the future of your relationship?

If clarity has been elusive, chances are you were overlooking this one thing.

And here’s a chance to finally figure it out.

But I’m not gonna BS you, it takes a little bit of work.

Are you willing to do some work to get clear on your marriage’s prospects?

Every day you feel this one thing with your partner – in your ability to speak openly and to feel trusted and safe.

But in its absence, you often feel attacked, not enough, or unable to make her happy.

So, here it is. And I’m going to follow it up with a critical question.
In a nutshell, it’s… how you’ve entangled your nervous system with that of your partner.

You see, your nervous system is constantly giving you signals about the current state of your marriage – if you’re ok, if you’re not, if you’re vulnerable to attack or safe to engage.

There’s a ton of information readily available within you. And you likely have a sense of it but it’s very rare that an individual knows the meaning of it or what it’s clearly telling them.

To get to that clarity, consider this one related question that gets straight to the core of what you’re feeling and what’s going on inside of you.

When I think of the future, 5, 10 years down the road, do I want to continue to be entangled in the nervous system of my partner or not?

To answer, it helps to pause and slow things down. Take a few breaths and get out of your head. Below the neck, I like to say. Feel the answer in your body.

That’s the no-bullshit zone where you’re not trying to argue your way out of information that scares you.

Give it a try right now. Close your eyes for five seconds. Ask yourself the question. See what your body says.

Can you try this for a moment?

For a lot of guys, it’s a hell no, I don’t want to stay entangled in her nervous system. She’s nervous, she’s anxious, she’s hysterical.

For many women, it’s he’s checked out, he’s withdrawn, I don’t know where the man is, I can’t relax or trust him.

But let’s be clear, this might just be where you are at this moment.

What if instead of just wanting to get the hell out of your marriage, you could pause, slow things down, and make peace with all your inner voices?

Because chances are if you’re reading this there’s another part of you that wants to make things work.

There’s a lot to consider. Your kids, mutual assets, the family. Self-judgments of being the jerk who blows up his family. The asshole who betrays his partner.

Let’s get real. It’s not just as simple as, do I want to stay connected to my partner or not?

But with the noise of all your other concerns, you rarely get to the “gut information” about your nervous system and what you’re choosing relationally.

In fact, often we won’t go there because we fear the answer.

And yet getting to that “gut truth” will help you know what you’re in the room with.

Why you struggle so much to move forward.

And how easy it is to stay stuck and frozen without clarity, for months, years, and even decades.

What if it wasn’t just about saving or leaving your relationship but about leaving who you’ve become in your relationship and becoming a better version of yourself to make the best decision possible?

And from there you’d be in a much stronger place to make this huge decision.

To get to the “gut truth” about the future of your relationship and what it’s really telling you, check out the video below.

Do you want to make the right decision about your marriage?

Regardless of whether you save or leave your relationship, you, your kids, and your wife deserve a better version of you. And it’s from there that you’ll make the right decision for you and your family moving forward.

Getting there is not rocket science but it can feel elusive. To get it right. To be present with fear instead of avoiding it. To step out of your comfort zone and into transformation with wise guidance.

If you’re ready to step into action and move past information, shoot me a quick email. Let’s explore what’s possible for you.

Remember, nobody can do the work for you but you can’t do it alone.

And if you’re not ready to consider the investment of 1:1 coaching, check out The Men’s Relationship School.

It’s a school that is built on a decade of the best of my work coaching men in relationship. A group of guys taking action together as a team on their relationships one hour per week.

Check it out now and learn how to…

• GET CLARITY on the save or leave your relationship question.
• GET PAST YOUR FEARS and be the best version of yourself.
• STOP BEING INVISIBLE with your partner and start going after what you want in your relationship.

And if you’re not ready for action and only want information, check out my men’s-only private Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship for inspiring daily relationship tips and action items just for men.

The post Answer This One Question To Know If You Should Save Or Leave Your Relationship appeared first on Stuart Motola.

I dreamed of our future. Wondered what our kids would look like. Thought about the life we’d create together.

I sought a home in my prior wife at the time. A psychological, emotional, and sexual home. A place I could rest and relax and not deal with dating or seeking women anymore.

Think back to when you first got married.

What were your ambitions when you got married?

Chances are you felt comfort in having a loyal and loving partner.

You felt a sense of a richer life with her. A sense of completion in her presence.

Maybe you felt a sense of comfort knowing she’d be there for you. A sense of a safe, stable, loving person to come home to.

Often when we get married, we have great ambitions for a rich life together.

We think about what kind of home we’ll create together one day, what our kids we will look like. So much possibility and excitement.

What was alive for you when you first got married?

Chances are it was many years ago. You were young. So much has changed and happened since then.

Maybe remembering your initial love is a painful reminder of how far you’ve drifted from one another.

In that hangover, it’s easy to beat yourself up about it. To heap self-judgement on what might feel like failure.

For most of us, many years after marriage, we have crashed into reality. Life passed us by. And we lost our partner to the busyness of the day to day of kids, work, and home.

And then what was once an aspiration for a beautiful loving home with her over time became a prison.

Does your marriage ever feel like a prison?

A place where you feel anything but free. You feel like a small version of yourself.

I was there too. My wife and I had lost each other in marriage. She had little or no time for me. I felt invisible. Sex was rare.

The same old patterns occurred, the same old arguments, and over time it seemed like nothing would change and I couldn’t escape.

What’s the point of being married? I thought. There’s no more joy in it, just a lot of misery.

How can you get back to the joy in your marriage?

First, you have to be willing to admit where you’re at. In the face of fear. Or in the face of self-judgement. Even in the face of perceived failure.

If you can’t name it, you can’t tame it. You can’t change it. You stay in prison.

Maybe you’re hiding the failure of your marriage from your parents, your kids, your community.

But what if you could get free again?

In the video below, I offer 3 tips from admission to self-responsibility to the third most crucial phase of action.

And what if your marriage was supposed to happen exactly as it has?

Imagine that you needed to get into this prison, in order to arouse your hunger for freedom.

The fierce thirst for a more open, honest, and loving relationship, like a man clawing his way to water in the desert.

A great thinker once said that a man must experience a period of non-freedom before he can value his freedom.

What if, in some crazy way, this prison you’re living in is a gateway to something bigger and more expansive than you could ever imagine?

Most men come to me, thinking our work is about saving or leaving their marriage. Ultimately, that’s the external manifestation of the work.

What they are really working on is how to awaken their ability to act courageously in the face of fear. To do so, in service to re-negotiating the contract of their marriage – be it to recreate it or end it.

And that is what helps a man get out of the prison of his marriage, to the freedom in relationship that he ultimately craves.

To say I’m responsible for what happens here and I’m responsible to make this situation better for everyone involved, even if it appears in moments that I am hurting the ones I love.

But most men falter here. They get stuck in a spiral of depression and inaction.

It’s only that rare breed of man who creates a paradise from a prison.

Are you ready to get out of the prison of your marriage?

If so, let’s explore what’s possible for you. Shoot me a quick email.

And if you’re uncertain of your next action, ask yourself…

• Are you that guy who struggles to ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT in your relationship?
• Is it a challenge for you to GET THE RESPECT, LOVE, & SEX you seek from your partner?
• Do you want to GET PAST YOUR FEARS of her freak outs and BE BOLD AND CONFIDENT in the heat of conflict?
• Do you seek to be AN EMPOWERED MAN IN A FULFILLING RELATIONSHIP with an empowered woman?

If this is you, stop the struggle and start the successes.

And check out my men’s-only private Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship for inspiring daily relationship tips and action items.

The post 3 Tips For When Your Marriage Feels Like A Prison appeared first on Stuart Motola.

You experience your wife as a bully or maybe she’s withdrawn and unwilling to work on your marriage.

She puts you at the bottom of her list. Or maybe she’s sexually closed.

You’ve hit rock bottom. You can’t go on like this. Think about your options. Ask yourself…

Can I save my marriage? Or do we need to divorce?

It’s a scary place to be. I’ve been there myself and have coached hundreds of men who were also there.

So… what do you do?

Often when a guy thinks about staying, he’s at a loss about how to improve things. And yet when it comes to leaving, he’s concerned about his kids. He wonders…

Will my kids be OK?

In his mind, a man may even get to the point of revealing A DARK SECRET. A secret that weighs on him heavily.

He may speak it to his buddies, in the bar or at the office. To get it off his chest.

Or he may just harbor it within. A thing he’s afraid to admit or speak out loud. Something he’d be ashamed of if his kids heard.

He thinks… I love my kids but I can’t stand my wife.

Have you ever thought this?

Maybe it’s something else. Maybe it’s that she’s crazy or she’s a bully.

If you have such thoughts, what do you do with them?

It can feel good to get things out in the open with others. To not hold the burden alone. But most men lock it up and marinate in shame.

Regardless, what’s buried within is a man hiding out. Justifying his current reality where he’s stuck. Amplifying his shame at failing in his marriage.

Do you feel stuck in your marriage?

If so, do you hide out in beliefs that keep you stuck?

She’s crazy. She’s always freaking out. Love my kids, can’t stand my wife.

These are all ways of hiding out. Not just from her. But from yourself and your power. Your power to change things.

Shame aside, there are millions of men all over the world in your situation. And hiding out is a natural self-protection mechanism.

But you can do better. And that starts with tapping into your desire to do what’s best for your kids.

What IS best for my kids?

When you think about your kids and their future, you want to make sure they’re ok and happy. You love your kids. Of course, you do.

If your marriage is stressed, it’s common to wonder…

Will my kids be OK if we divorce?

This is a big unknown. All of us guys have heard horror divorce stories.

Women turning the kids against dad. Seeking enormous alimony settlements. Maybe even attempting to cut off all kid contact.

This can play into your worst fears. And when in fear, you don’t make good decisions. You don’t frame things for your greatest outcome. You settle.

And so a man flips to…

Should we stay together for the sake of the kids?

But again, here, a man is settling. He’s staying in a weak position. He’s avoiding the heart of the problem.

Because what he really needs to ask himself in this moment is a bigger question.

A question that a man rarely asks because he can’t see outside of the box he’s stuck in. He’s too in the weeds.

And it’s a question that takes you back to your kids. Your heart and soul. What and who you’d die for. Where regardless of the state of your marriage, you still have a ton of skin in the game.

And so, ask yourself, whether you stay married or not…

What kind of relationship am I modelling for my kids?

Is staying married as is serving my kids?

Am I the best dad I can be to my kids, drained in apathy or animosity with their mom?

What if working on your marriage (not just staying married) was the best thing you could do for your kids?

What if you could be in a position to say “I love my kids and I love my wife?”

In the video below, I speak to the ONE BIG WAY to get there, to be the dad you want to be, and create the greatest outcome possible for your kids.

A lot of guys compartmentalize their kids from their marriage. They think they can hide things from their kids.

They try to put the marriage in a separate box where the kids can’t see.

If you do this, here’s a secret. You’re in denial.

Get real. You were a kid once and knew when things were rocky with your parents. You saw it all – a tone, a look, a movement from one of your parents.

Let’s be clear. Your kids are aware of the shitty state of your marriage. Kids pick up on everything. They have super-sonic energy radars.

Don’t let your kids down and instead, start now being the dad you wish you had.

Explore what’s possible for you. Connect with a bunch of powerful guys playing big in their marriages in my next Men’s Relationship Tools call this Tuesday at 12pm ET.

And for daily relationship tips and action items, join my private men’s only Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship.

The post I Love My Kids But I Can’t Stand My Wife appeared first on Stuart Motola.

As a super-successful options trader, Robert is unaccustomed to not having the answers.

“We’ve been married for years and somewhere, I don’t know exactly when, she shut down on me.”

Has your wife shut down on you?

Robert’s wife not only shut down on him, but she tried turning his son against him as well.

He was stunned when she called him an asshole while his kid was in the back seat of the car.

“Why would she do that? I don’t even know who she is anymore.”

Have you lost your wife in your marriage?

Robert had. And he fell into fear. Understandably so.

Robert feared that divorce was on the horizon. He feared that his wife would try to take his son away from him.

He had fear that he’d failed in his marriage. And fear that he wouldn’t be ok.

Fear was killing him. But he wanted something greater.

Do you fear not being ok if you divorce?

Robert did. And what he did initially, something I see a lot of men do, exacerbated things.

He isolated.

And made sure nobody knew that his marriage was on the rocks. He hid out, fearing judgement from friends and family. In particular, he feared his father’s response.

Ultimately, he wanted to know things would be OK, regardless of what happened in his marriage.

Do you want to know you’re gonna be ok if your marriage tanks?

Well, here’s the key to knowing you’ll be alright. And it’s counterintuitive.

As Pippin said in The Two Towers, the second Lord Of The Rings film,

“The closer we are to danger, the farther we are from harm.”

Say what, Stuart?

Let me break this down for you. It means that when you look under the lid of your fears, that’s when you’re more likely to get your ass in gear to do something about it.

Why is that? It’s because we become serious about taking action when we are no longer in the abstraction of fear. No longer willing to terrorize our self and do nothing about it.

As you may have heard before, fearlessness is not the absence of fear but presence with it. And when we are present with fear, we are in a greater position to act on it.

This sounds great on paper. But how the hell do you act on fear?

First, you don’t isolate.

Second, you find other men to hold you accountable to call out your fears, to act on them.

And third, you find support and challenge yourself to step into action instead of swirling doing nothing.

Initially, Robert swirled. He mistook information for action. And that’s easy to do in the information age.

He went deep into personal growth books and internet research to get him out of his problem. But that got him only so far.

When it comes to your fears, will you step into action or just swirl?

If you said action, check out this one big thing I taught Robert to be fearless in the face of the possibility of divorce.

In the video below, I talk more about that one big thing and how it freed Robert to act on his marriage like never before.

In a nutshell, that one thing, that game-changer that I taught Robert, is what I call outcome independence.

The key is to think independently of feared outcomes.

To not live in fear of your wife freaking out on you. Not fear your kids hating you. To not fear your finances blowing up. And not live in fear of divorce.

In other words, to know that you’ll be ok whatever happens in your marriage.

Would you like to achieve outcome independence?

Maybe you’re saying, “Yeah, right, Stuart. It sounds like a pipe dream. You don’t know what I’m going through, man.”

You’re right in that I’m not you. But I was there in a 20+ year marriage.

I was stuck in terror between the truth that my marriage wasn’t working AND I still loved my wife and family and wanted to stay married.

In that moment, like Robert, I dug deep into achieving an outcome-independent mindset.

It gave Robert the freedom to go after what he wanted in his marriage like never before.

The crazy thing is, as you do this, you’re modeling behavior that helps your wife do the same. And it’s liberating.

Do you want to be free of your fear of divorce?

If so, let’s explore what’s possible for you. Connect with a bunch of powerful guys talking about this stuff fearlessly in my next Men’s Relationship Tools call this Tuesday at 12pm ET.

And for daily relationship tips and action items, join my private men’s only Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship.

The post Whether You Divorce or Not, Here’s How To Be Ok appeared first on Stuart Motola.