My wife and I were in the kitchen, talking about what we should get my son for Christmas. She asked for my opinion.

I brought my A-game to the conversation. I listened and I was patient. Really tuned into her ideas. I offered what I thought were some solid suggestions. With little thought, she shot them all down.

She then proceeded to tell me that she was going to spend twice what I had proposed because I was being cheap and our son deserved more.

Does your wife ask for your opinion and then ignore it?

In the moment, I thought, Why are you even asking me for my opinion? What was the point of this conversation?

And so I resigned myself thinking, She doesn´t listen to me. She doesn´t value my opinion. She can never be wrong.

But I knew better than to speak those thoughts out loud. Dare I risk conflict with her? And especially during the holidays when I knew for the sake of my son, I had to be on my best behavior.

I remember that moment because it was then that I realized I was hiding out to avoid conflict. I didn´t have the guts or the skills to be honest with her. It gnawed at me. I hated the man I’d become. Needless to say, it was a rough holiday season.

Are you happy with the man you’ve become in your marriage?

In our twenties, I remember that my wife would listen. She was open to my thoughts and opinions. In fact, that was one of the things that I loved about her. She respected my intelligence. She loved my ideas when it came to the holidays.

And then in our thirties, something shifted. Our son was born. Like any new mom, she got anxious. Every time my son cried, her nervous system went into high alert.

That´s when I started orienting around her well-being. I wanted her to be ok. Being a good guy meant making sure my wife and son were ok.

But in the process, I started feeling like a second-class citizen in my own home. I started feeling like she always had to be right. She could never be wrong.

Can your partner rarely admit to being wrong?

It was as if my wife’s intelligence trumped mine – about everything.

Which school my son should go to. What we should do when he was misbehaving. Where we should buy his clothes. What we should do for the holidays.

And then it trickled over to us.

How I was not showing up for her. That I was working too much. That I didn’t help around the house. That she didn´t feel like I was on her team.

And over time, I just threw my hands up. I thought, I’m done arguing with this woman. It’s easier to just let her be right all the time.

Do you let your wife be right all the time?

Over time, it´s easy to feel like you have nothing to contribute after you’ve been shot down time and again for years.

Then one day, you realize you´ve lost who you are. You realize you have no opinions. You don´t care about what´s for dinner, what sofa gets bought, or what you do for the holidays.

And maybe like me, you even wake up, scared in the middle of the night, realizing, “I don´t know who I am anymore. This woman has dominated me, crushed the life out of me.”

Have you lost who you are in your marriage?

You may even ask yourself, Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life?

It’s a crossroads for a lot of guys. But we don´t realize it´s also a major opportunity for us to reclaim the self-confidence and courage that we´ve lost.

To rebuild our backbone. Reclaim our wants and needs. And cut through her emotionality with clarity.

Reject a world where she´s never wrong. And create one where your opinions matter.

To step into integrity and be the man you want to be in your marriage. To create kick-ass holidays where you don’t just feel like wallpaper.

That was the vision of who I wanted to be. The guy I wanted to model for my son.

And that´s the man I became. And you can too. Meet that man in the video below.

Are you choosing the status quo over aliveness in your marriage?

Every day that you hide, retreat, or withdraw in your relationship is a day that you betray yourself. You think it’s the status quo. You think it’s peace.

But silently you are deepening the roots of a marriage in which you play small.

At the end of the day, most of us guys want a few simple things in marriage. Trust, acceptance, connection, sex, and the ability to relax and love his wife.

And yet instead, most of us agree to a world where our wife can never be wrong.

Being a confident and capable man in your relationship is not as hard as it seems. Yes, it’s work. I won’t B.S. you.

But when you step in, make it a priority, and do it with a group of guys doing the same, it’s transformational and dare I say, even fun.

Do you want to make this the most fulfilling holiday season in years?

Get your relational chops tuned up just before the holidays.

Go into the holidays with clarity, confidence, and boldness, instead of just dragging yourself into the new year. Check out two ways below to do so.

One, if you´re on the brink of divorce, be the best man you can be for your kids and family this holiday season. In a quick chat by email or a call, I´ll help you stay strong this holiday season.

And second, if you´re committed to your marriage, check out The Men’s Relationship Tools and…

• Learn simple strategies for the holidays to be COOL & COLLECTED with your partner.
• Discover how not to TRIP UP when she wants to break the bank this holiday.
• Set yourself up to go into 2022 as a new you, a CONFIDENT & BOLD man in relationship.

The post It’s The Holidays & My Wife Can Never Be Wrong appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Of course, this is because men are superficial and only care about the physical.

And if you believe that, then you know nothing about most men and you’re being superficial.

Time and again, I hear guys saying…

“She’s shut down.”

“I feel hopeless.”

“The challenges continue.”

Do you struggle with sex in your marriage?

Sex is such a big deal to guys not for the reason we typically think of. It’s not because he’s only interested in the physical.

A lack of sex in a relationship is about connection. It’s the most obvious sign that his wife is shut down to him.

It’s not just that he wants to get off or have a release.

The bigger issue is he doesn’t feel loved, accepted, and connected.

Do you feel unloved by your wife or partner?

It’s often been said that in relationship, a woman seeks to be adored and cherished. And a man wants to be respected and admired.

Through sexual intimacy, more than any other way, he feels those things.

And so if sex is lacking, he feels vacant and relationally impoverished.

Do you feel respected and admired in your relationship?

If you don’t, it’s easy for a man to feel rejected, angry, or depressed.

If that’s you, I feel you, brother. And I know it’s tough. I experienced those feelings for years in a sexually challenged marriage.

But my situation didn’t change until I got clear that being in victim mode was not serving me. While it felt good and I could be righteous about it, that didn’t get me to the sexually fulfilling relationship I ultimately wanted.

A relationship where I felt my partner’s love and admiration.

Instead of being at the mercy of your situation, use your energy to change it.

In the video below, discover three common reactions men have with sex challenges and how they can use their situation to create the sexually fulfilling marriage they seek.

In 15 years of coaching married men with sexless marriages, I’ve seen two types of men.

One is the man who stays stuck in inaction and the other is the guy who steps up his game to take action.

The second guy knows that to get a different outcome, he needs different input, different thoughts and beliefs about himself and his situation to create the marriage he seeks.

He puts himself in a position to create the marriage he wants, knows it’ll take some work and he’s willing to do the work.

He’s not just trying to make a bad thing go away but he’s committed to learning how that bad thing can be used towards creating something better, more powerful and more fulfilling for the benefit of himself, his kids, and yes, his wife.

Are you ready to use your sexless marriage to create the marriage you ultimately seek?

If so, let’s have a quick chat. A chat is a guaranteed, powerful conversation to give you meaningful insights on how to create the marriage you want.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest, real conversation.

I’d be honored to hear from you. Move into action and shoot me a quick email.

Lastly for the men who aren’t ready to talk 1:1 and still want to transform their marriage, check out the Men’s Relationship Tools.

The post What Your Sexless Marriage Can Teach You appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Be it the freedom to do what we want. Believe what we want. Or just live our lives as we please.

And yet often at a young age, in our 20s or 30s, we do something that goes counter to maintaining our freedom.

We get married. Yes, you heard that right.

We bind ourselves to one person for sex, love, connection, and intimacy for the rest of our lives (or at least that’s our intention).

It’s not until years later that we get slammed by that lack of freedom.

Do you have any of these voices in your head?

“She tells me what to do.”

“She gets on me for not taking out the trash.”

“I get beat up for not saying the right thing.”

And on and on.

In a worst-case scenario, you may feel trapped in your marriage.

Do you feel trapped in your marriage?

You wake up every day to the same person, come home and eat with the same person, spend weekends together, take vacations together.

How easy it is for it all to get mundane and flat. In the space, it’s easy to feel confined, like you’ve lost your freedom.

You may even be asking yourself…

Is it worth staying married feeling so trapped?

Whether you take the “death do us part” bit seriously or not, maybe you’re just focused on getting through the next few months or years of your marriage, or until the kids get into college.

You could be just trying to build a good track record with your wife, to create some optimism or a sense of “hey, this is all right, we’ll be OK, even good together.”

And still, there’s the reality of being so in each other’s business day in and day out. And at times, you turn against one another. You fight.

It can feel overbearing, too much, and confining. This experience of coupledom has a name. It’s called enmeshment.

And it feels like you don’t know where she begins and where you end.

Do you feel enmeshed with your wife?

Enmeshment is a vitality killer in your marriage.

We enmesh as a way of creating safety in marriage. But it’s not healthy and feels like crap.

Too much safety diminishes passion and aliveness. It creates deadness and a feeling of entrapment in your marriage.

Do you feel the vitality in your marriage has flatlined?

If so, check out the video below for a powerful and easy tip to implement to go from feeling trapped in your marriage to feeling free again.

Feeling trapped in your marriage is no way to live, day in and out.

What you need to know is that the trap isn’t so much about your marriage but how you’ve been incapacitated to do anything about it.

Are you ready to feel free again in your marriage?

If so, let’s have a quick chat. A guaranteed, powerful conversation to give you meaningful insights on how to create the marriage you want.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest, real conversation.

I’d be honored to hear from you. Move into action and shoot me a quick email.

And for the many women reading this, wanting to learn more about men, here is a special link for you women.

Lastly for the men who aren’t ready to talk 1:1 and still want to transform their marriage, check out the Men’s Relationship Tools.

The post What To Do When You Feel Trapped In Your Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

They say, “I love my wife. She’s great but I don’t know if I can stay married to her.”

And then they explain further…

“We haven’t had sex in months.

“She’s not even interested.

“She’s frigid.”

Do you struggle with sex in your relationship?

Sex is a big deal for us dudes.

It’s often been said that we men need to have sex to feel emotionally connected.

And on the flip side, she needs to be emotionally connected to have sex.

It can feel like such a disconnect. God’s cruel joke.

What comes first – sex or emotional connection?

Many guys don’t even know that his wife needs to be emotionally connected to have sex.

They think she just needs to open her legs and accept him.

They say, “I do everything to fulfill what she needs of me. She doesn’t reciprocate.”

I understand this well because I was in a 20-year marriage where sex was often lacking.

I tried to behave myself. You know, score points. Try to be loving. And then maybe she’d be open up to sex.

But most of the time, she’d reject me. It was as if she saw this sudden wave of exemplary behavior and didn’t quite trust it. And with good reason.

Do you try to score points with your wife to get sex?

Eventually, I’d wonder, What’s the point?

Why even bother to try to build an emotional connection if I can’t get laid once in a while by my own damn wife?

So I’d feel the sting of rejection. To cope, I’d suck it up and try to stay the course for my son and the family.

But do we really have to castrate ourselves to stay married?

There’s got to be a better way. But yet it’s so easy just to throw in the towel, give up, look at other women, or accept the status quo.

There’s a name for that course of action. It’s called “playing small.”

It feels like crap because it is small – small-minded, small-hearted, and small sexually.

What if you had a better way to revive your sexless marriage?

Before we get there, let’s acknowledge something big.

In a long-term relationship or marriage, we have this other dynamic going on. I’ll speak to it in a second.

Often, we don’t know about this dynamic, because the only reference we have for abundant sex is in the good old days, during the honeymoon chemical-flooding phase of doing it in the bathroom, the car, the kitchen, a park bench, anywhere we could get our sex organs out.

What we had then that was lost many years into marriage was simply this… Eros.

Eros is mystery, the unknown, erotic curiosity, arousal, and passion.

It’s something that gets squashed in the day-to-day functioning of married life – getting the kids to school, going to work, bills paid, etc., etc.

We lost our eros and passion because at some point, whether we knew it or not, we prioritized security, stability, and commitment over risk, vulnerability, and deep connection.

Does fear of risk hold you back from creating a fulfilling sex life?

In this video below, I talk about 3 steps to creating a sexually fulfilling marriage, and 3 mental errors we guys make in the process.

Do you want to up level your sex life?

There’s an old joke. To kill off your sex life, get married.

But let’s face it, you didn’t get married to kill off your sex life.

You got married to build a home – psychological, emotional, physical, sexual in one another, and a literal home for your kids.

Fixing a sexless marriage takes some work. And yes, there could be some struggle in achieving it.

Hard conversations, not taking everything personally, and a willingness to get curious about your partner’s blocks.

Are you willing to be in the struggle of rebuilding your sex life?

At the end of the day, you get to decide what you want to struggle for, and what problems you choose.

When asked if they’re willing to put in the work to rebuild their sex life, most guys say, “Well it depends.”

I hate to break it to you. But nothing groundbreaking happens in the land of “it depends.”

If that’s you, it’s a sign that you’re not super serious about turning around your sex life.

For those guys who are serious, ready to be in the struggle, and ready to do something life-changing, let’s have a quick chat.

You are the kind of man I work with. You are the man I help up level his sex life.

A quick chat is a guaranteed, powerful conversation to give you meaningful insights on how to really understand what’s keeping you stuck from having a great sex life.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest conversation between two guys keeping it real to explore how you can move ahead in your relationship.

I’d be honored to hear from you. Move into action and shoot me a quick email.

And if you’re more of a group guy, consider checking out the Men’s Relationship Tools where I am helping men step into action to enhance sex, passion, trust, and confidence in their relationship.

The post 3 Steps To Fix Your Sexless Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Feeling quite desperate and overwhelmed with everything in my life – from running my business, helping run a household, raising a son, and all the other stuff that comes with it.

I knew I was depleted. I had lost a lot of energy in my relationship with my wife. We would go from brief moments of energized closeness to long desert spans of disconnection and mere functioning.

I remember asking myself…

How long can I make this last?

I was questioning the life I was living.

I had little in the tank with my wife after many attempts to heal the rifts between us, through therapy, counseling, or workshops.

The work we did on our marriage was mostly hail mary attempts, instead of committed, sustained efforts.

We just couldn’t seem to get on top of things to keep a strong connection. She struggled with a lot of chronic illnesses. I struggled with trying to hold up so much, so she could rest and heal.

I was in that classic scenario of burning the candle at both ends. Running hard to maintain a reality – work, family, marriage – that seemed to have no reprieve from stress or effort in sight.

It’s one thing to know relationship is hard work. It’s another to feel like it’s a mountain crushing you.

How can I keep going like this?

I often woke up, thinking this.

I wanted more love, trust, connection, sex, and yet it seemed like my wife and I were distant planets orbiting one another in separate galaxies, missing each other again and again.

And with the pain of it all, it was easy to hide out in the daily functioning of life, instead of making each other a priority and really taking command of our marriage. I really wanted that but it didn’t seem like it was a priority for her.

As I questioned the future of our coupledom, I began to get clarity that our future would be decided, not by some mysterious fate or hail mary attempt to make things better.

Nor would it be decided on how she received me. I already had a ton of data on that.

But instead, I got clarity of the future of our relationship through a simple question that I knew was critical for me to answer. And that simply was…

How much more work do I want to put into this marriage?

With that, came also… what do I have left in the tank?

Once I knew the answer, I got clear of how much more effort I was willing to put into the marriage.

I got clear on what I was willing to do to make the marriage work.

And what I was not willing to do. 

Where I still had skin in the game.

And where I was done.

Are you clear on how much work you’re willing to put into your relationship?

If not, you’re likely spinning in endless hypothetical scenarios in your mind.

If I do A, maybe she’ll do B. Or if I do C, maybe she’ll do D. It’s enough to drive a guy nuts. And it typically leaves him more confused than clear.

To get more clarity on if your relationship will last, check out the video below where I take you deeper into knowing where you’re in and where you’re out.

Most guys I know want their relationship to last.

They don’t want to give up on their partner. They don’t want to feel like a failure, especially when they’re married with kids and shared assets on the line.

But still they have thoughts of throwing in the towel, trying to imagine another life.

How do you really know when you’re done in a relationship?

It’s a huge decision and one made so much less stressful when you begin to access your inner clarity and authority.

Once you have that clarity, then you can begin to move toward an action plan. You can be fully aligned on where you’re willing to step in and what you want moving forward.

To help you get your clarity, let’s have a quick chat. A guaranteed, powerful conversation to help you get the upper hand in your marriage.

And to be clear, talking means no sales job, just an honest conversation between two guys keeping it real.

I’d be honored to hear from you. Even the first small step to shoot me a quick email is a huge act of courage.

The post Will My Relationship Last? appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Commitment to one partner. That person you can rely on forever. Sounds beautiful upfront.

And yet, if you’ve been in a long-term marriage or relationship, it’s not that simple.

That one person is also the one who will trigger the sh*t out of you, causing you to feel trapped at times; in fact, that’s their job.

The sooner you learn that, the sooner you’ll stop arguing with reality and blaming her for your triggers.

Do you feel trapped in your marriage?

As you may know, a trigger will send you into your reptilian brain – fight, flight, freeze. The rational brain goes into a tailspin.

Common statements indicate a trigger’s been struck.

“She pushes my buttons like no one else.”

“She says things that send me off the deep end.”

“I just freeze up when she attacks me.”

More important than the trigger is how you respond to it.

Master your trigger responses and you’ll be free in your relationship.

Fumble your trigger responses (what most of us do) and your marriage will feel confining, confusing. At worst, you’ll feel trapped.

How do you respond when you’re triggered?

Most of us go one of two ways – avoidant or anxious.

As an avoidant, we try to not deal with things, distance our self, and take space to process things.

The avoidant is the distancer.

As an anxious, we believe only our partner can make us ok, even struggling when a text is not returned in a timely manner.

The anxious is the pursuer.

Every distancer needs a pursuer. And you guessed it, every pursuer needs a distancer.

Are you the pursuer or the distancer?

If you’re not sure, let’s talk.

If you’re in a pursuer or distancer dynamic, your marriage will start to feel very confining very fast.

This happens to most, if not all couples.

It’s a rare few couples who know how to navigate this anxious-avoidant attachment dynamic; they still experience ruptures but they know how to repair efficiently.

Each partner must see their patterns – as an anxious or avoidant.

What can you do as an anxious to improve your relationship?

In a nutshell, if you’re anxious and your partner is avoidant, you need to learn that they pull away to process things, to figure things out.

It’s not about them not loving you. It’s how they process.

Get that in your head!

It still hurts but knowing this will help.

You also need to self-regulate, tell yourself you’re ok, take deep breaths, and not make it your partner’s job to always make you ok.

What can you do as an avoidant to improve your relationship?

Conversely, if you’re avoidant (distant) and your partner is anxious (needy) – you need to not just check out and disappear on your partner, even if their behaviors feel smothering to you.

If you need space, honor that but always reschedule.

“I’ll be back in 10 minutes, 30 minutes, tonight. I’m here for you. I just need to get my head clear, so I don’t do or say something stupid.”

You need to lean in, even when it hurts. Note, I said lean in, turn towards, not overwhelm yourself.

Relationship – a trap or a path you can navigate?

While understanding avoidant and anxious is important, another key piece is the trap of monolithic monogamy, a term coined by author Esther Perel.

I also call it the tribe of two.

And let’s face it, two is not a tribe, but that’s how we live in marriage and relationship these days.

You may think you need to be everything, or almost everything to each other – lover, partner, best friend, co-parent, family logistic planners, financial partners, teacher, healer, soulmates, etc.

Are you trapped in a tribe of two?

Check out the video below to discover how to get out of the relationship trap.

Relationship is a lot of work. It will bring up your sh*t.

You have to be a warrior to get through it. A warrior of the heart.

Learn the skills to transform your relationship from a trap into a crucible of transformation into freedom and love.

Shoot me a quick email and let’s talk.

The post Are You Feeling Trapped In Your Marriage? appeared first on Stuart Motola.

How can I save my marriage?

Maybe you’re asking yourself this question. Or you’re avoiding it.

Or you’re not even sure if your marriage is worth saving.

You might be saying things like…

“She’s just not open to me.”

“She doesn’t trust me.”

“I know I haven’t been the best to her always. I want to be better moving forward.”

What can you do when your marriage is in crisis?

Maybe you’ve tried therapy, workshops, video courses, and it seems like nothing helps.

Maybe it feels like a lost cause.

I can relate, having been married for 20 years.

Often, I just showed up with my wife, avoiding her and the state of our marriage.

It was a way to get through my days, to get through work, and try to be a good dad.

And that worked for a long time until… it didn’t.

I had hit what a colleague of mine calls the relationship breakpoint.

Are you at a break point in your marriage?

You are if you’re asking yourself if your relationship is worth saving.

You’re at a break point if you’re wondering how long you can continue on in your marriage.

Of course, this is a super tough place to be in. And thousands of men are in the same situation right now.

At the break point, we often see the problem, but we don’t see the solution.

We focus on the problem as if it’s something that needs to be fixed so you can be happy.

And yet I invite you into a deeper experience.

What’s beneath the question of – can I save my marriage?

The truth is, the problem isn’t her distance or her disappearing on you. It’s the impact that it has on you

The sense of hopelessness, that you can’t do anything right, that things can’t be improved.

The power of expert relationship coaching lies in the power of the question asked.

In the video below, discover a better question than ‘can I save my marriage’, to help you out in a tough situation.

So don’t have time to watch the video? I want to offer you that question.

It’s six words.

How can I turn towards her?

Consider that. It speaks to the primary reason you’re in relationship in the first place. To build a life TOGETHER.

There is a power in this question that keeps you connected to your higher mission in relationship and what brought you into it initially.

To help you move into openness, love, connection, and trust with your wife.

Master the skill of staying open to your partner, even in a challenging marriage, and drop me a line below.

Shoot me a quick email and let’s talk.

The post One Question That Can Save Your Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

In 15 years of coaching men in relationship, I’ve seen how it’s key to a man to take charge of his marriage.

It cuts to the heart of answering the question.

How do I fix my marriage?

To do so, you must see your blind spot.

Without doing so, you fall into the rabbit hole of judgment, shame, and staying stuck.

If you ever have any of these thoughts, you’re in that rabbit hole.

She’s crazy.

She blames me for everything.

I can’t be enough for her.

Paradoxically, the rabbit hole can be comfortable – a hiding spot – that is until you’re sick and tired of being stuck.

What rabbit hole do you fall into in your marriage?

Some guys cope while doing nothing and say, “My marriage sucks and it’s not fixable.”

Other guys say, “I don’t know if it’s fixable or not, but regardless I’m committed to becoming a better me in relationship.”

Which man are you?

Implied in the development of a “better me” is the quest for more aliveness, confidence, and self-worth, in service to your marriage, family and kids.

This is the guy who knows the work of fixing his marriage begins with himself.

He’s done slogging through his days in a compromised marriage, dishing out or taking on blame and judgment.

He’s done staying stuck in the same old conflict patterns.

Doing so, he knows he merely placates the fears he’s avoiding. The fear of divorce, financial ruin, or losing his kids.

He wants to be bigger than his fears. Bigger than his blind spots.

What’s your blind spot in your marriage?

Your willingness to consider this question is a powerful step. It offers you great opportunity. And often also, a bitter pill to swallow.

That bitter pill is this. Like it or not, you’re responsible for co-creating the situation you’re in, regardless of how much you want to blame your partner.

And every day, consciously or not, you choose to stay stuck or unstuck in your marriage.

And let’s get clear, brother, this is not about self-blame or shame.

In fact, it’s the opposite. It’s about self-ownership into self-empowerment.

Your challenged marriage asks you to step into a bigger version of yourself, to get to a place of power and choice in your relationship.

Do you want to be empowered to create the marriage you want?

In the video below, discover one powerful tool to liberate you into a whole new up-leveling of your relationship.

A massive expansion occurs for a man in a moment.

The moment when he steps fully into self-responsibility for the life he’s created, for the energy he brings to his days, and for the marriage that he creates.

Are you ready to up-level who you are in relationship?

If so, shoot me a quick email to jump on a 15 minute call and see how 1:1 coaching may benefit you.

Or join me on the Men’s Relationship Tools weekly call on Tuesdays at 12pm ET, a couching roundtable for any man to get relationship support for only $47/month. Check it out anytime. First call is free.

The post Do This One Thing To Fix Your Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

My wife and I were in the kitchen, talking about what we should get my son for Christmas. She asked for my opinion.

I brought my A-game to the conversation. I listened and I was patient. Really tuned into her ideas. I offered what I thought were some solid suggestions. With little thought, she shot them all down.

She then proceeded to tell me that she was going to spend twice what I had proposed because I was being cheap and our son deserved more.

Does your wife ask for your opinion and then ignore it?

In the moment, I thought, Why are you even asking me for my opinion? What was the point of this conversation?

And so I resigned myself thinking, She doesn´t listen to me. She doesn´t value my opinion. She can never be wrong.

But I knew better than to speak those thoughts out loud. Dare I risk conflict with her? And especially during the holidays when I knew for the sake of my son, I had to be on my best behavior.

I remember that moment because it was then that I realized I was hiding out to avoid conflict. I didn´t have the guts or the skills to be honest with her. It gnawed at me. I hated the man I’d become. Needless to say, it was a rough holiday season.

Are you happy with the man you’ve become in your marriage?

In our twenties, I remember that my wife would listen. She was open to my thoughts and opinions. In fact, that was one of the things that I loved about her. She respected my intelligence. She loved my ideas when it came to the holidays.

And then in our thirties, something shifted. Our son was born. Like any new mom, she got anxious. Every time my son cried, her nervous system went into high alert.

That´s when I started orienting around her well-being. I wanted her to be ok. Being a good guy meant making sure my wife and son were ok.

But in the process, I started feeling like a second-class citizen in my own home. I started feeling like she always had to be right. She could never be wrong.

Can your partner rarely admit to being wrong?

It was as if my wife’s intelligence trumped mine – about everything.

Which school my son should go to. What we should do when he was misbehaving. Where we should buy his clothes. What we should do for the holidays.

And then it trickled over to us.

How I was not showing up for her. That I was working too much. That I didn’t help around the house. That she didn´t feel like I was on her team.

And over time, I just threw my hands up. I thought, I’m done arguing with this woman. It’s easier to just let her be right all the time.

Do you let your wife be right all the time?

Over time, it´s easy to feel like you have nothing to contribute after you’ve been shot down time and again for years.

Then one day, you realize you´ve lost who you are. You realize you have no opinions. You don´t care about what´s for dinner, what sofa gets bought, or what you do for the holidays.

And maybe like me, you even wake up, scared in the middle of the night, realizing, “I don´t know who I am anymore. This woman has dominated me, crushed the life out of me.”

Have you lost who you are in your marriage?

You may even ask yourself, Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life?

It’s a crossroads for a lot of guys. But we don´t realize it´s also a major opportunity for us to reclaim the self-confidence and courage that we´ve lost.

To rebuild our backbone. Reclaim our wants and needs. And cut through her emotionality with clarity.

Reject a world where she´s never wrong. And create one where your opinions matter.

To step into integrity and be the man you want to be in your marriage. To create kick-ass holidays where you don’t just feel like wallpaper.

That was the vision of who I wanted to be. The guy I wanted to model for my son.

And that´s the man I became. And you can too. Meet that man in the video below.

Are you choosing the status quo over aliveness in your marriage?

Every day that you hide, retreat, or withdraw in your relationship is a day that you betray yourself. You think it’s the status quo. You think it’s peace.

But silently you are deepening the roots of a marriage in which you play small.

At the end of the day, most of us guys want a few simple things in marriage. Trust, acceptance, connection, sex, and the ability to relax and love his wife.

And yet instead, most of us agree to a world where our wife can never be wrong.

Being a confident and capable man in your relationship is not as hard as it seems. Yes, it’s work. I won’t B.S. you.

But when you step in, make it a priority, and do it with a group of guys doing the same, it’s transformational and dare I say, even fun.

Do you want to make this the most fulfilling holiday season in years?

Get your relational chops tuned up just before the holidays.

Go into the holidays with clarity, confidence, and boldness, instead of just dragging yourself into the new year. Check out two ways below to do so.

One, if you´re on the brink of divorce, be the best man you can be for your kids and family this holiday season. In a quick chat by email or a call, I´ll help you stay strong this holiday season.

And second, join me on the Men’s Relationship Tools weekly call on Tuesdays at 12pm ET, a couching roundtable for any man to get relationship support for only $47/month.

Join anytime. 1st call is free.

The post What To Do When Your Wife Can Never Be Wrong appeared first on Stuart Motola.

But like so many other successful men I speak with, his marriage is falling apart.

Jake can’t reconcile himself to his own failure at home. He loves his kids, but he refuses to fully acknowledge his wife’s unhappiness.

Sure, it bugs him. And yes, he wants her to be happy. But instead of engaging with her, he’s thinking about throwing in the towel.

Do you ever think about throwing in the towel in your marriage?

“Why the hell not?” he says. “I’m happy in my life. But with her, all I get is a boatload of complaints.”

I nod. “Jake, why did you marry Emily?”

“She was charming, charismatic, the kind of woman who turned heads at a party.”

“So you married a trophy?” I say.

“Well… uh… no!”

“What else attracted you to her?” I say.

He pauses and thinks, goes a bit deeper.

“She was kind and loving. She had an open-hearted way about her.”

“Thank you.” I nod. “And now you’ve lost her heart and you want out?”

He pauses. “Yeah, but…”

There is no but. He knows it and stops short.

“You’ve focused on her unhappiness and her complaints as the problem. You’ve retreated into your work life and left her behind. True or false?”

No answer. Implied is true.

Do you sometimes want to just leave it all behind?

“So what do I do?” Jake asks me.

“You first decide if you want to save your family and resuscitate your marriage. It might mean you getting off your high horse of my life’s great, she’s a pain in the ass.”

“Ok. And how do I do that?”

I go on to teach Jake about relationality, about “we” consciousness instead of “me” consciousness, about having a relationship with his wife.

Do you want an authentic relationship with your wife?

You see Jake had diagnosed the problem – it was Emily’s unhappiness that was the problem. It wasn’t their marriage or his being emotionally checked out.

It’s something that I see with a lot of successful men who put themselves in this safe, constructed reality.

And it’s why so many men are stuck in their marriage.

Are you stuck in your marriage?

Learn why so many men get stuck in their relationship in the video below.

Within a few weeks, Jake starts spending more time at home, trying to help out around the house. He understands how he lost the sense of team with his wife.

He begins to now play for his family, instead of the fleeting egoic trip of accolades from his work colleagues.

Who would be at his deathbed at the end of his days?

Who would be walking with him in the next 10 years?

As a 47-year-old man, he starts thinking about these things.

What’s the long game you’re playing in your marriage?

Work was not the problem. But giving everything to work and little to his relationship was. No wonder Jake ended up in a marital shit show.

Jake began putting his home life in better balance with his work life. And after two months of working together, we brought Emily onto our calls.

I spoke with her alone first. It was important that she saw I wasn’t just working for Jake but for them as a couple.

In a month, they both learned to open up to one another, to hear each other’s side of the story, to stop reacting and start responding, and slow down and connect with one another.

Do you want to step into your marriage to build a better relationship?

Transform your relationship September 23-26 in The Confident Man’s Path To Relationship Retreat.

This will be a deep dive into how you can be an empowered and confident man with your partner.

Enjoy comfortable accommodations, beautiful mountain views, killer hot tubs, and more.

Save $400 on the retreat when you attend the next Retreat Preview Zoom Call on August 15, 8-9 pm ET.

Can’t make the call? Book a call with me to learn more about the retreat.

Or if you’re not a group guy, shoot me a quick email to talk about 1:1 coaching to help you be in your A game with your partner.

I’d be honored to hear from you.

The post Why Men Feel Stuck In Their Relationship appeared first on Stuart Motola.