My wife and I were in the kitchen, talking about what we should get my son for Christmas. She asked for my opinion.

I brought my A-game to the conversation. I listened and I was patient. Really tuned into her ideas. I offered what I thought were some solid suggestions. With little thought, she shot them all down.

She then proceeded to tell me that she was going to spend twice what I had proposed because I was being cheap and our son deserved more.

Does your wife ask for your opinion and then ignore it?

In the moment, I thought, Why are you even asking me for my opinion? What was the point of this conversation?

And so I resigned myself thinking, She doesn´t listen to me. She doesn´t value my opinion. She can never be wrong.

But I knew better than to speak those thoughts out loud. Dare I risk conflict with her? And especially during the holidays when I knew for the sake of my son, I had to be on my best behavior.

I remember that moment because it was then that I realized I was hiding out to avoid conflict. I didn´t have the guts or the skills to be honest with her. It gnawed at me. I hated the man I’d become. Needless to say, it was a rough holiday season.

Are you happy with the man you’ve become in your marriage?

In our twenties, I remember that my wife would listen. She was open to my thoughts and opinions. In fact, that was one of the things that I loved about her. She respected my intelligence. She loved my ideas when it came to the holidays.

And then in our thirties, something shifted. Our son was born. Like any new mom, she got anxious. Every time my son cried, her nervous system went into high alert.

That´s when I started orienting around her well-being. I wanted her to be ok. Being a good guy meant making sure my wife and son were ok.

But in the process, I started feeling like a second-class citizen in my own home. I started feeling like she always had to be right. She could never be wrong.

Can your partner rarely admit to being wrong?

It was as if my wife’s intelligence trumped mine – about everything.

Which school my son should go to. What we should do when he was misbehaving. Where we should buy his clothes. What we should do for the holidays.

And then it trickled over to us.

How I was not showing up for her. That I was working too much. That I didn’t help around the house. That she didn´t feel like I was on her team.

And over time, I just threw my hands up. I thought, I’m done arguing with this woman. It’s easier to just let her be right all the time.

Do you let your wife be right all the time?

Over time, it´s easy to feel like you have nothing to contribute after you’ve been shot down time and again for years.

Then one day, you realize you´ve lost who you are. You realize you have no opinions. You don´t care about what´s for dinner, what sofa gets bought, or what you do for the holidays.

And maybe like me, you even wake up, scared in the middle of the night, realizing, “I don´t know who I am anymore. This woman has dominated me, crushed the life out of me.”

Have you lost who you are in your marriage?

You may even ask yourself, Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life?

It’s a crossroads for a lot of guys. But we don´t realize it´s also a major opportunity for us to reclaim the self-confidence and courage that we´ve lost.

To rebuild our backbone. Reclaim our wants and needs. And cut through her emotionality with clarity.

Reject a world where she´s never wrong. And create one where your opinions matter.

To step into integrity and be the man you want to be in your marriage. To create kick-ass holidays where you don’t just feel like wallpaper.

That was the vision of who I wanted to be. The guy I wanted to model for my son.

And that´s the man I became. And you can too. Meet that man in the video below.

Are you choosing the status quo over aliveness in your marriage?

Every day that you hide, retreat, or withdraw in your relationship is a day that you betray yourself. You think it’s the status quo. You think it’s peace.

But silently you are deepening the roots of a marriage in which you play small.

At the end of the day, most of us guys want a few simple things in marriage. Trust, acceptance, connection, sex, and the ability to relax and love his wife.

And yet instead, most of us agree to a world where our wife can never be wrong.

Being a confident and capable man in your relationship is not as hard as it seems. Yes, it’s work. I won’t B.S. you.

But when you step in, make it a priority, and do it with a group of guys doing the same, it’s transformational and dare I say, even fun.

Do you want to make this the most fulfilling holiday season in years?

Get your relational chops tuned up just before the holidays.

Go into the holidays with clarity, confidence, and boldness, instead of just dragging yourself into the new year. Check out two ways below to do so.

One, if you´re on the brink of divorce, be the best man you can be for your kids and family this holiday season. In a quick chat by email or a call, I´ll help you stay strong this holiday season.

And second, if you´re committed to your marriage, check out The Men’s Relationship Tools and…

• Learn simple strategies for the holidays to be COOL & COLLECTED with your partner.
• Discover how not to TRIP UP when she wants to break the bank this holiday.
• Set yourself up to go into 2022 as a new you, a CONFIDENT & BOLD man in relationship.

The post It’s The Holidays & My Wife Can Never Be Wrong appeared first on Stuart Motola.

His wife Tamara complains about how he is checked out. How he can’t even be with his family for 10 minutes without being on his phone.

Mincing no words, she says, “I feel like I’m in a relationship with a zombie.”

“Say more,” I say.

“You know, he’s checked out. Not really in the room.”

“Well, most of the time,” he interrupts. “I’m actually working to support your lifestyle.”

“Just a second, Philip. It’s not your turn.” I turn back to Tamara. “What are you wanting from him?”

“I want to grab him by the neck and say be with your family, put away your damn phone.”

No wonder he wants to do exactly what you don’t want him to do, I think.

“Well, Tamara, I’d say your behavior modification program is not working well.”

Tamara looks over at her husband with scorn. He returns the look.

“Philip, your turn. Do you hear what Tamara is asking of you?”

He looks off into space. I don’t even know if he’s heard me.

“Philip, are you here? You look like you’re somewhere else.”

“Damn right I’m somewhere else,” he says. “I always have to put up with this crap. God forbid she could be appreciative of all I do. And so what if I want to check out now and then.”

“It sounds like it’s more than now and then.” I pause.

“Philip, the only question that matters right now is this. And you better answer it or as far as I can tell, your marriage is over.”

I’ve caught his attention.

“Do you want be alone or do you want to be married?”

He laughs. “Can I have a little bit of both?”

I pause and allow the dead silence to percolate in the room. I look Philip in the eye.

“Philip, you spend 98% of your time alone. Alone in your head.”

“And your point?” he says.

“My point is your wife is very lonely. She’s dying for her husband.”

He scoffs.

“Are you interested in being married to her?

He pauses. He looks at Tamara with concern. All eyes are on him. He knows this is a make or break moment.

“Well, we’re waiting,” Tamara says.

“Not your turn, Tamara. Give him space,” I say.

Philip is caught in between two realities. One in which his wife is a raging bitch and the other in which he is desperately alone.

To cope, he does something many men do. He withdraws, retreats, and turns away from his wife and yes, even his sons.

It’s his simple way of staying safe from a woman, who he experiences as overbearing, when in truth her request is simple – to have a present husband.

But Philip’s is a false safety that actually makes him less safe, more alone, and more distant from his wife.

In the next moment, I see an opening. I teach him to use a simple 10 second tip to catch himself when he falls into these old patterns which, if continued, will destroy his marriage.

In the video below, check out what I taught him, which transformed his marriage; and if diligently practiced, will transform your marriage as well.

“So, how hard was that?” I say. “To ask yourself a simple question, in order to save your marriage.”

The question was – How can I turn towards her?

Simple but big, in that it required Philip to break decades of unconscious patterning, of abandoning his wife and instead turn towards her and engage with her.

“Hard. It requires me trusting that she’ll receive me.”

“And taking the risk that she won’t,” I say. “And knowing you’ll still be ok.”

He nods, humbled by his new power.

“Bravo, Philip. Good work. That’s called being relational and it’s good for you. It’s good for your wife and it’s good for your kids.”

“Well, there’s hope after all,” Tamara says.

“Great,” I say to her. “Now, when he does that, let him know he did something valuable for you. And when he doesn’t, don’t nag. Instead, help him. Help him help you get what you want. Say to him – Sweetie, can you please turn towards me?”

“I can do that,” she says.

She looks at Philip, reaches for his hand, and he receives it in his.

Are you wanting to transform your marriage or do the same old dance that has you where you are today?

For those men who are wanting to transform their marriage, let’s have a quick chat.

A quick chat is a guaranteed, powerful conversation to give you meaningful insights on how to really understand what’s keeping you stuck from creating the marriage you seek.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest conversation between two individuals keeping it real to explore how you can move ahead in your relationship.

I’d be honored to hear from you. Move into action and shoot me a quick email.

And for the men who prefer a group setting with guys in similar struggles transforming their marriages, check out the Men’s Relationship Tools where I am helping men step into action to enhance sex, passion, trust, and confidence in their relationship. Reply “MRS Yes” to join your first call for free.

The post A 10 Second Tip To Transform Your Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

The truth is in your cock. It’s in your balls. The evidence is in your body.

You want to have more sex than your wife.

Maybe she’s distant. She’s cold. She’s timid, closed off, or uninterested in sex.

It feels like a slap in the face. A closed door to a critical part of you. You’re a man, for crying out loud. You have needs.

You feel most loved, admired, and respected when your partner is open to you sexually.

When that door shuts, it’s as if you’re left stranded on a desert island without food or water. You feel starved.

At worst, it can cause you to feel desperate, in pain, and even lose hope in your relationship.

True or false? You feel most connected emotionally with your partner when you feel connected sexually.

And yet you can be shamed for this. You hear things from her (or as a client recently told me, from his female therapist) like…

“All you care about is sex.”

“You’re a cliché man.”

“I’m not your sexual object.”

Do you want more sex than your wife?

In today’s culture, it’s easy for you to feel shamed for your desires.

Hell, you might even be saying to yourself, I’m a good guy. It’s not like I’m hiring a prostitute or having an affair. It’s my wife, for cryin’ out loud.

(And no shame on those guys who are having affairs or hiring prostitutes. I’m not in the moral judgment business but in the business of understanding unmet human needs and how to bring them back into integrity.)

It can feel like a life sentence when you want more sex than your wife.

I know. I lived it for many years in my marriage.

Sometimes I thought it was god’s cruel joke that she needed to connect emotionally before becoming sexual, all the while it was the opposite for me.

Do you struggle with the emotional-sexual divide in your marriage?

It can feel like a bit of a cluster fuck. You want to figure it out.

And in the process of trying to do so, you feel damned if you act on it and damned if you don’t.

Of course, the internet has all kinds of tips – talk to her about it, get it out in the open, make her feel loved, and on and on.

And yet in trying to implement, it’s easy to face plant and get even more frustrated.

How have you attempted to solve your sexual challenges?

Most guys try one of the four below.

A. Attempt to do everything to make her happy and score points so she’ll open up to you sexually.
(That was my strategy)

B. Ignore it and make the best of it.

C. Use porn and live in fantasies.

D. Get attention at a massage parlor or strip club.

How do you deal with wanting more sex than your wife?

Well, I’ll let you in on a little secret. The lack of sexual fulfillment is on the top level, a symptom.

Underneath are a bunch of other problems.

And to be candid, these may very well be problems in your marriage that you may not want to deal with.

Frankly, it might feel like too much work. And if that’s so, that’s great information.

It helps you get clear on where you want to put your energy, and what your higher priorities are.

You get to decide how you want to do you.

But if you effectively deal with those deeper problems, you’re in a much greater position to create the sexually fulfilling marriage that you seek.

Do you like your sex life as it is or do you want to create something better?

Check out the video below to work on the deeper problems stopping you from creating the sexually fulfilling marriage you seek.

Sex is primal. And at the same time, after years of marriage, we can lose access to that primal energy.

Sex can become mundane.

When there’s no aliveness in you and your life, it makes perfect sense that you’ll experience deadness in the bedroom.

Without curiosity and variety, things flatline in relationship.

An unfulfilled sexual life is just a symptom of where you’ve flatlined with your partner.

Are you ready to bring more aliveness to your marriage and bedroom?

If so, let’s have a quick chat. A guaranteed, powerful conversation to give you meaningful insights on how to create the marriage you want.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest, real conversation between two guys. No sales pitch.

I’d be honored to hear from you. Move into action and shoot me a quick email.

Lastly for the men who aren’t ready to talk 1:1 and still want to transform their marriage or just know who the hell I am to consider coaching, check out the Men’s Relationship Tools.

The post I Want More Sex Than My Wife appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Be it the freedom to do what we want. Believe what we want. Or just live our lives as we please.

And yet often at a young age, in our 20s or 30s, we do something that goes counter to maintaining our freedom.

We get married. Yes, you heard that right.

We bind ourselves to one person for sex, love, connection, and intimacy for the rest of our lives (or at least that’s our intention).

It’s not until years later that we get slammed by that lack of freedom.

Do you have any of these voices in your head?

“She tells me what to do.”

“She gets on me for not taking out the trash.”

“I get beat up for not saying the right thing.”

And on and on.

In a worst-case scenario, you may feel trapped in your marriage.

Do you feel trapped in your marriage?

You wake up every day to the same person, come home and eat with the same person, spend weekends together, take vacations together.

How easy it is for it all to get mundane and flat. In the space, it’s easy to feel confined, like you’ve lost your freedom.

You may even be asking yourself…

Is it worth staying married feeling so trapped?

Whether you take the “death do us part” bit seriously or not, maybe you’re just focused on getting through the next few months or years of your marriage, or until the kids get into college.

You could be just trying to build a good track record with your wife, to create some optimism or a sense of “hey, this is all right, we’ll be OK, even good together.”

And still, there’s the reality of being so in each other’s business day in and day out. And at times, you turn against one another. You fight.

It can feel overbearing, too much, and confining. This experience of coupledom has a name. It’s called enmeshment.

And it feels like you don’t know where she begins and where you end.

Do you feel enmeshed with your wife?

Enmeshment is a vitality killer in your marriage.

We enmesh as a way of creating safety in marriage. But it’s not healthy and feels like crap.

Too much safety diminishes passion and aliveness. It creates deadness and a feeling of entrapment in your marriage.

Do you feel the vitality in your marriage has flatlined?

If so, check out the video below for a powerful and easy tip to implement to go from feeling trapped in your marriage to feeling free again.

Feeling trapped in your marriage is no way to live, day in and out.

What you need to know is that the trap isn’t so much about your marriage but how you’ve been incapacitated to do anything about it.

Are you ready to feel free again in your marriage?

If so, let’s have a quick chat. A guaranteed, powerful conversation to give you meaningful insights on how to create the marriage you want.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest, real conversation.

I’d be honored to hear from you. Move into action and shoot me a quick email.

And for the many women reading this, wanting to learn more about men, here is a special link for you women.

Lastly for the men who aren’t ready to talk 1:1 and still want to transform their marriage, check out the Men’s Relationship Tools.

The post What To Do When You Feel Trapped In Your Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

We’ve been together 12 years, says another.

We’ve been together 22 years, says a third guy.

What do all these guys have in common?

All of them flatlined in their marriages. They all felt dead inside with their partner. They struggled with passion in their marriages.

Passion. It often fades in a long-term relationship. Aliveness, a sense of a spark, excitement, connection, sex.

Guys want passion. Women want passion too. All humans want passion.

It seems to be this universal desire as if it’s a right of ours to have passion in our primary relationship.

People are saying to themselves, “I have a right to experience passion, to get out of the dead zone in my marriage, it’s killing me.”

And yet so many people struggle with attaining passion.

Do you lack passion in your relationship?

It’s one thing to want passion. It’s another to sabotage it. And so, often your desire for something else is sabotaging passion.

And that something else is… Can you guess what it is?

Drumroll, please…. It is comfort, safety, and security.

Too much safety, too much comfort kills passion. Passion grows out of uncertainty and risk.

Now don’t get me wrong, safety is critical as a baseline quality to any long-term relationship.

But most people have flatlined in their relationship precisely because somewhere down the road, they chose safety over passion.

They live in an inner script of….

Well, you know, she gets upset when I say the wrong word, so I don’t say anything anymore.

Or…

Yeah, she hates it when I ask for sex. I got tired of her rejecting me, so I stopped asking.

It’s safe to retreat or disengage. But it won’t get you the passion you seek in your relationship.

Do you choose safety over passion in your relationship?

If so, I get it, we need to be safe – emotionally, physically, psychologically – in a long-term relationship.

We need to feel that sense of a safe home in our partner. A place we can rest, experience calm, a sense of respite from the world. But again…

Too much safety leads to a flatlined, dead relationship.

So where are you willing to get unsafe in your relationship?

Maybe you’ve taken risks but they didn’t work out. Then, you just recoiled back into safety.

“I asked her out on a date night and she said no.”

“I tried to do that blindfold thing I’ve been fantasizing about, but she wouldn’t go for it.”

“I touched her on the inside of her arm like she asked me to and then she told me I did it wrong.”

Risks are important but the right risks are even more important.

Are you taking the right risks in your relationship, if any at all?

Risks that get you payoffs.

Risks that honor where you are and help you with the next step needed to move forward into passion.

Risks that won’t crush you if things go south.

Take the right risk at the right time and succeed. And then the next risk and the next.

Build a bridge of risks to get you across that river that’s been keeping you stuck on the shores of deadness.

Do you want to learn how to bring passion back into your marriage?

Check out the video below to discover how stepping into the right risks will bring the passion back to your relationship.

“The level of passion in your relationship is commensurate to the level of risk you’re willing to tolerate in your relationship,” Tony Robbins once said.

It’s a powerful statement that speaks precisely to why risk-averse individuals have no passion in their relationship.

It may be where you feel stuck right now.

Are you willing to take a risk right now?

If so, take that first step and let’s have a quick chat.

A guaranteed, powerful conversation to give you meaningful insights on how to build your risk tolerance to bring passion back into your relationship.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest conversation between two guys keeping it real to explore how you can move ahead in your relationship.

I’d be honored to hear from you. Move into action and shoot me a quick email.

The post What Stops You From Getting Passion Back In Your Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Feeling quite desperate and overwhelmed with everything in my life – from running my business, helping run a household, raising a son, and all the other stuff that comes with it.

I knew I was depleted. I had lost a lot of energy in my relationship with my wife. We would go from brief moments of energized closeness to long desert spans of disconnection and mere functioning.

I remember asking myself…

How long can I make this last?

I was questioning the life I was living.

I had little in the tank with my wife after many attempts to heal the rifts between us, through therapy, counseling, or workshops.

The work we did on our marriage was mostly hail mary attempts, instead of committed, sustained efforts.

We just couldn’t seem to get on top of things to keep a strong connection. She struggled with a lot of chronic illnesses. I struggled with trying to hold up so much, so she could rest and heal.

I was in that classic scenario of burning the candle at both ends. Running hard to maintain a reality – work, family, marriage – that seemed to have no reprieve from stress or effort in sight.

It’s one thing to know relationship is hard work. It’s another to feel like it’s a mountain crushing you.

How can I keep going like this?

I often woke up, thinking this.

I wanted more love, trust, connection, sex, and yet it seemed like my wife and I were distant planets orbiting one another in separate galaxies, missing each other again and again.

And with the pain of it all, it was easy to hide out in the daily functioning of life, instead of making each other a priority and really taking command of our marriage. I really wanted that but it didn’t seem like it was a priority for her.

As I questioned the future of our coupledom, I began to get clarity that our future would be decided, not by some mysterious fate or hail mary attempt to make things better.

Nor would it be decided on how she received me. I already had a ton of data on that.

But instead, I got clarity of the future of our relationship through a simple question that I knew was critical for me to answer. And that simply was…

How much more work do I want to put into this marriage?

With that, came also… what do I have left in the tank?

Once I knew the answer, I got clear of how much more effort I was willing to put into the marriage.

I got clear on what I was willing to do to make the marriage work.

And what I was not willing to do. 

Where I still had skin in the game.

And where I was done.

Are you clear on how much work you’re willing to put into your relationship?

If not, you’re likely spinning in endless hypothetical scenarios in your mind.

If I do A, maybe she’ll do B. Or if I do C, maybe she’ll do D. It’s enough to drive a guy nuts. And it typically leaves him more confused than clear.

To get more clarity on if your relationship will last, check out the video below where I take you deeper into knowing where you’re in and where you’re out.

Most guys I know want their relationship to last.

They don’t want to give up on their partner. They don’t want to feel like a failure, especially when they’re married with kids and shared assets on the line.

But still they have thoughts of throwing in the towel, trying to imagine another life.

How do you really know when you’re done in a relationship?

It’s a huge decision and one made so much less stressful when you begin to access your inner clarity and authority.

Once you have that clarity, then you can begin to move toward an action plan. You can be fully aligned on where you’re willing to step in and what you want moving forward.

To help you get your clarity, let’s have a quick chat. A guaranteed, powerful conversation to help you get the upper hand in your marriage.

And to be clear, talking means no sales job, just an honest conversation between two guys keeping it real.

I’d be honored to hear from you. Even the first small step to shoot me a quick email is a huge act of courage.

The post Will My Relationship Last? appeared first on Stuart Motola.

You hear the same words from her. “I can’t trust you. You don’t do what you say. I don’t feel like you’re on my team.”

It’s enough for a guy to lose hope in the future of his marriage. And even worse, lose hope in himself. His confidence can plummet.

Do you struggle to show up confidently in your marriage?

When it comes to relationship, a lot of men struggle to step into their confidence. They spin down the rabbit hole of their partner’s complaints and judgments.

They get frustrated. And to get through their days, they retreat, withdraw, check out.

Maybe you play internet poker, watch porn, drink, smoke pot, overwork, or some other coping mechanism.

It’s enough to make a guy wonder, what’s the point? It’s a low bar for relationship.

Do you have the desire to check out from your wife?

If so, you’re not alone. It’s human to want to avoid pain. And I’ve seen this pattern of checking out in hundreds of men I’ve coached during the last fifteen years.

The pattern I see is straightforward. In the guise of serve and protect, which is so wired in us guys, a twisted thing happens. Serve and protect becomes enable and enroll yourself to be the problem.

It’s a martyr thing. And we as guys take it on. Unconsciously, we think, “I can take it. I’m tough. I’m a man. That’s what you do for your kids.”

Do you martyr yourself to stay married?

If so, chances are you are taking on her character attacks, verbal insults, and thinking you have to fix her problems with you.

Again, this is unconscious stuff, meaning we don’t even know we’re doing it.

The end result is years and years of building a house of marriage that is a shit show. It’s draining. And you deserve better.

I want better for you. It’s why I do this work. It breaks my heart to see men betray themselves in relationship. I did it for years. I got a PhD living it.

But the good news is that with some commitment, action, and good guidance, you can reconfigure things. And get your confidence back online in your marriage.

What if you were confident with your wife?

That means the ability to be honest and truthful.

Not hold back what’s going on inside of you.

Self-advocate without fearing things backfiring on you.

And take leadership to go from a house on fire to a house of love and peace.

Do you want a loving, fulfilling marriage?

The problem is most guys try to create a loving marriage, just like they’d tackle a task at work.

They get in a mindset of if I do A then I will get B. If I don’t upset her, then maybe she’ll be more open to physical intimacy. If I listen to her problems, then maybe she’ll chill out.

But in this approach, something big is missing. A strong center of confidence and inner authority. And it’s from there that you’re truly in the command center of your relationship.

Check out this video to learn how you cultivate confidence and inner authority to create the marriage you want.

In the video above, I speak about fragmentation. When you’re chasing your tail to keep things together. It’s a confidence killer.

The opposite is self-unity, which is a confidence builder. Being calm, cool, and composed to create outcomes you may now see as impossible in your relationship.

Confidence is not a fantasy. It’s a real trait. And it takes some work. But it’s not a mystery. And every week, I help my clients map it out and make it a reality.

And this is all in service to the meaningful, fulfilling marriage that is ultimately at the source of a man’s well-being and happiness. No amount of work success or financial crushing it will substitute that. And that’s not to say you can’t have both.

Are you wanting to step into your confidence to create a fulfilling, meaningful marriage?

If so, take a simple first step. Shoot me a quick email. Let’s explore how you can step back into your confidence with your partner.

And every week, I teach men to cultivate confidence at Men’s Relationship Tools.

Check out what other men have to say.

“I had lost all hope in my marriage. Since joining the Men’s Relationship School, I’ve learned how to take charge of my marriage & not worry about screwing up with my wife. Instead, I go after what I want with her. I can’t say thanks enough.”
-Tom Wilson

“I learned more from you in one hour than I did from a coach I’ve been working with for several months.”
-Anonymous participant

Lastly, if you´re on the brink of divorce, email me at info@stuartmotola.com to learn about a personalized group coaching program for guys learning to do relationship ending amicably for the well-being of their kids & own mental and emotional health.

The post How To Be More Confident With Your Wife appeared first on Stuart Motola.

My wife and I were in the kitchen, talking about what we should get my son for Christmas. She asked for my opinion.

I brought my A-game to the conversation. I listened and I was patient. Really tuned into her ideas. I offered what I thought were some solid suggestions. With little thought, she shot them all down.

She then proceeded to tell me that she was going to spend twice what I had proposed because I was being cheap and our son deserved more.

Does your wife ask for your opinion and then ignore it?

In the moment, I thought, Why are you even asking me for my opinion? What was the point of this conversation?

And so I resigned myself thinking, She doesn´t listen to me. She doesn´t value my opinion. She can never be wrong.

But I knew better than to speak those thoughts out loud. Dare I risk conflict with her? And especially during the holidays when I knew for the sake of my son, I had to be on my best behavior.

I remember that moment because it was then that I realized I was hiding out to avoid conflict. I didn´t have the guts or the skills to be honest with her. It gnawed at me. I hated the man I’d become. Needless to say, it was a rough holiday season.

Are you happy with the man you’ve become in your marriage?

In our twenties, I remember that my wife would listen. She was open to my thoughts and opinions. In fact, that was one of the things that I loved about her. She respected my intelligence. She loved my ideas when it came to the holidays.

And then in our thirties, something shifted. Our son was born. Like any new mom, she got anxious. Every time my son cried, her nervous system went into high alert.

That´s when I started orienting around her well-being. I wanted her to be ok. Being a good guy meant making sure my wife and son were ok.

But in the process, I started feeling like a second-class citizen in my own home. I started feeling like she always had to be right. She could never be wrong.

Can your partner rarely admit to being wrong?

It was as if my wife’s intelligence trumped mine – about everything.

Which school my son should go to. What we should do when he was misbehaving. Where we should buy his clothes. What we should do for the holidays.

And then it trickled over to us.

How I was not showing up for her. That I was working too much. That I didn’t help around the house. That she didn´t feel like I was on her team.

And over time, I just threw my hands up. I thought, I’m done arguing with this woman. It’s easier to just let her be right all the time.

Do you let your wife be right all the time?

Over time, it´s easy to feel like you have nothing to contribute after you’ve been shot down time and again for years.

Then one day, you realize you´ve lost who you are. You realize you have no opinions. You don´t care about what´s for dinner, what sofa gets bought, or what you do for the holidays.

And maybe like me, you even wake up, scared in the middle of the night, realizing, “I don´t know who I am anymore. This woman has dominated me, crushed the life out of me.”

Have you lost who you are in your marriage?

You may even ask yourself, Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life?

It’s a crossroads for a lot of guys. But we don´t realize it´s also a major opportunity for us to reclaim the self-confidence and courage that we´ve lost.

To rebuild our backbone. Reclaim our wants and needs. And cut through her emotionality with clarity.

Reject a world where she´s never wrong. And create one where your opinions matter.

To step into integrity and be the man you want to be in your marriage. To create kick-ass holidays where you don’t just feel like wallpaper.

That was the vision of who I wanted to be. The guy I wanted to model for my son.

And that´s the man I became. And you can too. Meet that man in the video below.

Are you choosing the status quo over aliveness in your marriage?

Every day that you hide, retreat, or withdraw in your relationship is a day that you betray yourself. You think it’s the status quo. You think it’s peace.

But silently you are deepening the roots of a marriage in which you play small.

At the end of the day, most of us guys want a few simple things in marriage. Trust, acceptance, connection, sex, and the ability to relax and love his wife.

And yet instead, most of us agree to a world where our wife can never be wrong.

Being a confident and capable man in your relationship is not as hard as it seems. Yes, it’s work. I won’t B.S. you.

But when you step in, make it a priority, and do it with a group of guys doing the same, it’s transformational and dare I say, even fun.

Do you want to make this the most fulfilling holiday season in years?

Get your relational chops tuned up just before the holidays.

Go into the holidays with clarity, confidence, and boldness, instead of just dragging yourself into the new year. Check out two ways below to do so.

One, if you´re on the brink of divorce, be the best man you can be for your kids and family this holiday season. In a quick chat by email or a call, I´ll help you stay strong this holiday season.

And second, join me on the Men’s Relationship Tools weekly call on Tuesdays at 12pm ET, a couching roundtable for any man to get relationship support for only $47/month.

Join anytime. 1st call is free.

The post What To Do When Your Wife Can Never Be Wrong appeared first on Stuart Motola.

The spending of money on often superfluous gifts.
Trying to be “joyful” with your partner when you’re not.
The sense of obligation to be on your best behavior.

It can all leave a guy dreading the holidays. Yet these are the mere symptoms.

The real source of a man’s dread is the sense that he has to behave his way through his partner’s holiday agenda.

He struggles to assert himself to co-lead the holiday program. And in the absence of that, everything feels like an obligation instead of a shared desire.

Do you want to enjoy the holidays this year?

If so, do this. Claim what you want for yourself and your family this holiday season.

Don’t just be a passenger on your partner’s holiday program. Take initiative, co-pilot, and be a co-creator in holiday activities.

Yes, you can do this, even if you’ve followed your partner’s lead for 15 years. Even if she questions you. I know. That was my deal.

And being a co-creator means first getting clear on what you want for your holidays, then speaking it to your partner, and then making clear agreements with her about what the holidays will look like.

That could be as simple as you saying you want to go for a walk outside on Christmas or New Year’s Day.

Or cooking a dish that you want, in addition to the traditional holiday fare.

Or the desire to create time for you and your family to speak about what you’re grateful for.

What would your best holidays look like?

The default for most guys is to resign themselves to sitting on the sidelines and letting their partner take the lead. To not rock the boat.

But you know what that looks like – a lot of obligations. You can do better.

When I feared my wife rejecting my wants, I still went after them.

“Ok,” I said. “You guys don’t want to go for a walk on Christmas day. Well, I’m going to take an hour to walk by myself.”

And super important was to include the benefits to her of me getting what I wanted.

“And this will actually allow me to be more present with you and Jake (our son) and enjoy our time together,” I added.

No fights. Win-win.

If this sounds nuts to you, chances are it’s just what you need. Resistance has a way of showing us exactly what we need.

What’s possible for you this holiday season?

Let go of your resentments and embrace joy together this holiday season.

Don’t just be on your best behavior for the kids but actually love one another.

Use the holidays as a time to reignite your relationship.

And if you need a little help, take the first step, and shoot me a quick email.

The post Guys, 1 Tip To Make Your Holidays Awesome appeared first on Stuart Motola.

He wants guidance. He wants reassurance.

He’s a man who thrives with a plan.

How do you know if your marriage can be fixed?

Of course, no one has a crystal ball looking into the future. Still, having coached men in relationship for the last 15 years, there are clear signs of if your marriage can be fixed or not.

Before answering Dave, I invite him to go a bit deeper.

“You’re wanting to fix your marriage,” I say. “Of course. That’s why you’re asking this question.”

He nods his head.

“So, take a pause and notice where that desire comes from.”

“What do you mean?” he says.

“Does it come from your love for your wife? Love for what you’ve shared over the past 15 years? Or from your fear of divorce? Or fear of losing your kids?”

“Probably all of it,” he says.

“Great honesty. Now notice the impact of it coming from love vs fear.”

He pauses. “When I come from love, I feel more courageous, more expansive.”

“Yes. And let’s be clear. Fear can be helpful as well,” I say. “Your fears are merely inner voices trying to keep you safe from losing love.”

Can fear help you fix your marriage?

Depending on your relationship with fear, it’ll either energize you or drain you.

I coach Dave on how to be in right relationship with fear, how to transform fear from a master to an advisor.

And that’s helpful for him.

But when it comes to knowing if his marriage can be fixed, there’s a bigger piece here. Something that I can’t help him with as directly.

“So Dave, there’s another thing to consider regarding your question about if your marriage can be fixed.”

He looks at me with curiosity.

“Like a lot of men who I work with, I sense that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to fix your marriage.”

What will it take to fix your marriage?

“Yes,” Dave says.

“You’re thinking, if I work on myself intensely, become a better man for her, then I’ll be able to fix things. Does that resonate?”

Dave nods and breathes deeply.

“Great. But that’s just part of the equation. And it relates to a sign that your marriage may be difficult to fix.”

Do you know the one big sign that your marriage can’t be fixed?

“You’ve said that your wife is unwilling to work on herself.”

I explain to him. She has to own her part. Look at her behaviors. Take responsibility for her side of things. Be willing to work on herself.

And that could even be as simple as working on opening up to receiving the better man you’re trying to become.

At the end of the day, if she’s completely closed off to you, your marriage cannot be fixed.

She’s got to be open to the fruits of your labors. To let go of the past challenges. Or at least be willing to repair them.

Is your wife willing to work on herself regarding your marriage?

Check out the video below to discover what to do if she’s not willing to do the work.

Dave admitted that his wife wouldn’t do any work on herself. Still he decided to hire me as his coach. Why bother?

Because he saw great value in becoming a better version of himself, for him, and not just for her. He was doing it for future relationships, if it came to that.

He didn’t want to end up in the same spot again. And he also wanted to know that he was giving his marriage his best shot.

Dave crushed it.

In several months, he got better at navigating the hardships, better at not getting activated, and not becoming dominated by his emotions.

In time, he became an assured, calm, and confident man in his marriage.

And what do you know, his wife saw his efforts and eventually opened up to do work on herself.

Do you want to become a better man in your relationship?

If so, shoot me a quick email.

For men and women going through big transitions in life and relationship, check out my in-person Metamorphosis Retreat in Asheville, North Carolina November 3-5 with my colleague Sarah Haggerty.

Or join me at one of these two online trainings.

Men’s Relationship Tools weekly call on Tuesdays at 12pm ET, a couching roundtable for any man to get relationship support, for only $47/month.

A Confident Man’s Path To Relationship for 6 weeks on Tuesdays 7:30-9pm ET at $395, limited to 8 men, with the focus on prospering through the holidays.

The post One Sign Your Marriage Can’t Be Fixed appeared first on Stuart Motola.