His wife Tamara complains about how he is checked out. How he can’t even be with his family for 10 minutes without being on his phone.

Mincing no words, she says, “I feel like I’m in a relationship with a zombie.”

“Say more,” I say.

“You know, he’s checked out. Not really in the room.”

“Well, most of the time,” he interrupts. “I’m actually working to support your lifestyle.”

“Just a second, Philip. It’s not your turn.” I turn back to Tamara. “What are you wanting from him?”

“I want to grab him by the neck and say be with your family, put away your damn phone.”

No wonder he wants to do exactly what you don’t want him to do, I think.

“Well, Tamara, I’d say your behavior modification program is not working well.”

Tamara looks over at her husband with scorn. He returns the look.

“Philip, your turn. Do you hear what Tamara is asking of you?”

He looks off into space. I don’t even know if he’s heard me.

“Philip, are you here? You look like you’re somewhere else.”

“Damn right I’m somewhere else,” he says. “I always have to put up with this crap. God forbid she could be appreciative of all I do. And so what if I want to check out now and then.”

“It sounds like it’s more than now and then.” I pause.

“Philip, the only question that matters right now is this. And you better answer it or as far as I can tell, your marriage is over.”

I’ve caught his attention.

“Do you want be alone or do you want to be married?”

He laughs. “Can I have a little bit of both?”

I pause and allow the dead silence to percolate in the room. I look Philip in the eye.

“Philip, you spend 98% of your time alone. Alone in your head.”

“And your point?” he says.

“My point is your wife is very lonely. She’s dying for her husband.”

He scoffs.

“Are you interested in being married to her?

He pauses. He looks at Tamara with concern. All eyes are on him. He knows this is a make or break moment.

“Well, we’re waiting,” Tamara says.

“Not your turn, Tamara. Give him space,” I say.

Philip is caught in between two realities. One in which his wife is a raging bitch and the other in which he is desperately alone.

To cope, he does something many men do. He withdraws, retreats, and turns away from his wife and yes, even his sons.

It’s his simple way of staying safe from a woman, who he experiences as overbearing, when in truth her request is simple – to have a present husband.

But Philip’s is a false safety that actually makes him less safe, more alone, and more distant from his wife.

In the next moment, I see an opening. I teach him to use a simple 10 second tip to catch himself when he falls into these old patterns which, if continued, will destroy his marriage.

In the video below, check out what I taught him, which transformed his marriage; and if diligently practiced, will transform your marriage as well.

“So, how hard was that?” I say. “To ask yourself a simple question, in order to save your marriage.”

The question was – How can I turn towards her?

Simple but big, in that it required Philip to break decades of unconscious patterning, of abandoning his wife and instead turn towards her and engage with her.

“Hard. It requires me trusting that she’ll receive me.”

“And taking the risk that she won’t,” I say. “And knowing you’ll still be ok.”

He nods, humbled by his new power.

“Bravo, Philip. Good work. That’s called being relational and it’s good for you. It’s good for your wife and it’s good for your kids.”

“Well, there’s hope after all,” Tamara says.

“Great,” I say to her. “Now, when he does that, let him know he did something valuable for you. And when he doesn’t, don’t nag. Instead, help him. Help him help you get what you want. Say to him – Sweetie, can you please turn towards me?”

“I can do that,” she says.

She looks at Philip, reaches for his hand, and he receives it in his.

Are you wanting to transform your marriage or do the same old dance that has you where you are today?

For those men who are wanting to transform their marriage, let’s have a quick chat.

A quick chat is a guaranteed, powerful conversation to give you meaningful insights on how to really understand what’s keeping you stuck from creating the marriage you seek.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest conversation between two individuals keeping it real to explore how you can move ahead in your relationship.

I’d be honored to hear from you. Move into action and shoot me a quick email.

And for the men who prefer a group setting with guys in similar struggles transforming their marriages, check out the Men’s Relationship Tools where I am helping men step into action to enhance sex, passion, trust, and confidence in their relationship. Reply “MRS Yes” to join your first call for free.

The post A 10 Second Tip To Transform Your Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Feeling quite desperate and overwhelmed with everything in my life – from running my business, helping run a household, raising a son, and all the other stuff that comes with it.

I knew I was depleted. I had lost a lot of energy in my relationship with my wife. We would go from brief moments of energized closeness to long desert spans of disconnection and mere functioning.

I remember asking myself…

How long can I make this last?

I was questioning the life I was living.

I had little in the tank with my wife after many attempts to heal the rifts between us, through therapy, counseling, or workshops.

The work we did on our marriage was mostly hail mary attempts, instead of committed, sustained efforts.

We just couldn’t seem to get on top of things to keep a strong connection. She struggled with a lot of chronic illnesses. I struggled with trying to hold up so much, so she could rest and heal.

I was in that classic scenario of burning the candle at both ends. Running hard to maintain a reality – work, family, marriage – that seemed to have no reprieve from stress or effort in sight.

It’s one thing to know relationship is hard work. It’s another to feel like it’s a mountain crushing you.

How can I keep going like this?

I often woke up, thinking this.

I wanted more love, trust, connection, sex, and yet it seemed like my wife and I were distant planets orbiting one another in separate galaxies, missing each other again and again.

And with the pain of it all, it was easy to hide out in the daily functioning of life, instead of making each other a priority and really taking command of our marriage. I really wanted that but it didn’t seem like it was a priority for her.

As I questioned the future of our coupledom, I began to get clarity that our future would be decided, not by some mysterious fate or hail mary attempt to make things better.

Nor would it be decided on how she received me. I already had a ton of data on that.

But instead, I got clarity of the future of our relationship through a simple question that I knew was critical for me to answer. And that simply was…

How much more work do I want to put into this marriage?

With that, came also… what do I have left in the tank?

Once I knew the answer, I got clear of how much more effort I was willing to put into the marriage.

I got clear on what I was willing to do to make the marriage work.

And what I was not willing to do. 

Where I still had skin in the game.

And where I was done.

Are you clear on how much work you’re willing to put into your relationship?

If not, you’re likely spinning in endless hypothetical scenarios in your mind.

If I do A, maybe she’ll do B. Or if I do C, maybe she’ll do D. It’s enough to drive a guy nuts. And it typically leaves him more confused than clear.

To get more clarity on if your relationship will last, check out the video below where I take you deeper into knowing where you’re in and where you’re out.

Most guys I know want their relationship to last.

They don’t want to give up on their partner. They don’t want to feel like a failure, especially when they’re married with kids and shared assets on the line.

But still they have thoughts of throwing in the towel, trying to imagine another life.

How do you really know when you’re done in a relationship?

It’s a huge decision and one made so much less stressful when you begin to access your inner clarity and authority.

Once you have that clarity, then you can begin to move toward an action plan. You can be fully aligned on where you’re willing to step in and what you want moving forward.

To help you get your clarity, let’s have a quick chat. A guaranteed, powerful conversation to help you get the upper hand in your marriage.

And to be clear, talking means no sales job, just an honest conversation between two guys keeping it real.

I’d be honored to hear from you. Even the first small step to shoot me a quick email is a huge act of courage.

The post Will My Relationship Last? appeared first on Stuart Motola.

It happened to me when I was just 5 years old. It was then that I first learned fear wasn’t okay for a boy.

I remember my older brother, who was eight at the time, said to me, “What are you afraid of, you little baby? Little Stu Stu’s gonna cry. Scaredy cat.”

BAM! Message received. It’s not ok to experience fear.

How old were you when you first felt fear?

Maybe you have a story like me where someone, an older sibling, a kid on the playground, or an adult said, fear is not welcome here.

If so, chances are that like me and most men, you learned to put fear underground at a young age.

And then you buried it years later as an adult in your marriage. It happens in many ways.

I fear her blowing up on me again.

Will she go all cold and distant again?

I fear being alone if things don’t work out.

Is my marriage a failure?

In over 15 years of coaching men in relationship, I’ve seen men respond to their fears in two primary ways.

How do you handle fear in your relationship?

One is the tough-guy approach. A man buries his fear and acts like he’s whipped it but underneath it’s driving his behaviors.

Verbal tantrums. A need to control things. A sense of never being safe but projecting otherwise.

The second way is the wimp approach. A guy tries to do all he can to make sure he doesn’t upset his partner. He walks on eggshells.

Ultimately, he tries to get safe from his fears by trying to make everyone else safe but inside, he’s a wreck.

His partner feels no safety with him. She has no sense of his boundaries. She never knows where he really stands on things because he follows her like a ping pong ball.

What’s your greatest fear in your relationship?

Both approaches try to make fear go away. But fear doesn’t just go away. It goes underground, into the shadows.

And it can keep a man stuck in a toxic relationship for years on end.

The biggest fear I’ve seen coaching men is a man’s fear of being alone.

Of course, saddle that up with fear of being a failure, fear of letting down his kids. And the list could go on and on.

But his fear of being alone is the giant elephant in the room. Once a man gets past it, he’s finally free to create the marriage he ultimately wants.

How does fear of being alone impact how you approach your relationship?

Consider, instead of getting past fear, conquering fear, or burying it, all of which create an inner civil war, developing a relationship with fear.

Own it. Don’t project it onto your partner. And don’t let it hold you hostage in a toxic marriage.

How can you use fear of being alone to work for you instead of against you?

Learn more in the video below.

Do you stay in a challenged marriage for fear of being alone?

That fear can be crippling. It keeps you at a low energy level. And it keeps you divided in your relationship.

What if instead, fear had a valuable message for you? And you could receive that message?

That’s when you’ll be freed up to be the man you want to be in relationship – confident, capable, and caring.

It’s time to end your inner civil war with fear.

Action is the only way to get out of living the rest of your life in fear.

Take a first simple step. Shoot me a quick email. Let’s talk for 45 minutes. A guaranteed, powerful conversation to help you get the upper hand on fear.

And when we talk, there’s no sales job, just an honest conversation between two men being kind and real.

I’d be honored to hear from you because I know that even the first small step of an email is a huge act of courage.

If that’s too big of a step for you, consider checking out the Men’s Relationship School where we are talking about sex, marriage, and more.

Join your first call for free by replying now. Or just sign up for $47/month.

And lastly, if you´re currently going through a divorce, reply to get the support you need during a hard time.

The post What To Do When Fear Of Being Alone Keeps You Stuck In A Toxic Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

It speaks to when you feel like things are happening TO you instead of FOR you.

In your marriage, that might be the same old conflict with your wife about the dishes in the sink or the trash not being taken out, or the kids getting to school late.

And you’re thinking to yourself, really, this again?

It’s then that you often internalize a bunch of crappy self-talk.

Do any of these statements feel true for you?

When she freaks out, I want to hide.

I need to make her happy before I can be happy.

If I upset her, I’m a bad man.

It’s easy to stay stuck in the weeds and just feel the impact of what’s happening to you. But the problem is over time it creates an inner voice that says, I’m screwed if I don’t … A, B, or C… (fill in the blank)

Instead, what if you could say…?

When she freaks out, I’m ok.

I contribute to her happiness when I prioritize my own.

If I upset her, she’ll be ok.

It would be a game-changer, wouldn’t it?

You’d be able to get what you want in your marriage – for things to settle down, for peace, for you and your wife to be good together – and for you, to be a calm, confident, and loving husband in charge of his marriage.

So what stands in the way of getting what you want?

It boils down to this one thing. Something I’ve seen time and again in 15 years of coaching guys. It is a belief that you have to be a certain guy for her to be ok.

It could be the good guy, the unflappable man, or the perfect husband.

You start to think, If I could just be that guy, things would settle down. You put on a mask to try to be that guy and in the process, lose who you really are. And it feels terrible.

What if you could stop wearing a mask and just be you?

It’s a great question and I’ll get to that in a moment.

But unfortunately, you often have to get hit by a 2 x 4 to the head first before you even know there’s a problem.

And often that looks like waking up in the middle of the night in a sweat, thinking – Holy shit, I don’t even know who the hell I am with her anymore.

But let me tell you something. And this might be a bitter pill to swallow. It ain’t on her. It’s on you.

You’re the one who thought you needed to be someone else for her.

You’re the one who bought into this idea that it was your job to make her happy.

Sure, she might’ve encouraged along the way. But you gave yourself away.

Do you wear a mask to try to make your wife happy?

The good news is once you see what’s going on, you have the power to change it. You can take off the mask and take back control. Check out the video below to do just that.

When you take off the mask – be it the good guy, the perfect husband – and just be you, a guy doing his best to show up better every day in his marriage, a whole new world opens up.

A world in which you can calm down, get out of the weeds, and be in a much stronger position to save your marriage.

And this is a big thing that the guys I work with do. Their self-talk changes. It transforms to…

I want to take responsibility here. And I want to step up my game.

I want to take off this damn mask I’ve been wearing. And I want to stop posturing.

And I want to take action. Because nobody is coming to save me.

Let’s face it. It sucks wearing a mask with the person you love the most.

Chances are she’s got her own mask as well.

The beauty of you taking off your mask first is she’ll be much more likely to follow. And then you can both be truly visible to one another, authentic, and loving.

Are you ready to take off the mask you’ve been wearing in your marriage and be the calm, confident, and collected you?

If so, check out these options I have for you.

First, a 60-minute free coaching call guaranteed to get you a major “AHA” on how to up your game in your marriage.

Second, The Men’s Relationship School, for guys who are tired of scrolling through free internet content and youtube videos, and are not ready to invest in 1:1 coaching, and want to step into action beyond information.

• Three weekly live calls per month with me. Get your relationship questions answered.
• A group of guys to walk with you, so you don’t go it alone. A huge thing we guys miss.
• Books & resources to up your game, so you get new reframes & ideas.
• Action items to move you into action to change your relationship.
• Audio recordings of prior calls to revisit key concepts & in case you can’t make a call.

​Third, check out my free men’s-only private Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship for inspiring daily relationship tips and action items just for men.

The post Do You Wear A Mask To Stay Married? appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Did you know that for most guys, their wives are more likely to make the annual physical appointment to the doctor than they are? Why is that?

Well, it’s part of being a man. You’re taught from a young age to suck it up and deal. To be tough.

And even if you’re not that kind of guy, you might still measure yourself by that standard when things get tough.

For a lot of guys, life goes like this. You work hard at your job. You try to do the best for your kids. You try to do the best for your family. And yet often you feel like you’re just barely keeping up.

Maybe you even feel as if there’s nothing left in the tank for you. And that you consistently put yourself last. If that’s you, I have to ask you…

Do you martyr yourself for your family?

You see, we do this because along with suck it up and deal, a lot of us guys carry another line of unconscious programming inside of us when it comes to our family.

Serve and protect. Serve and provide.

While this has a good intention behind it – to provide well for our family, it has a terrible delivery mechanism that burns us out, makes us resentful, and sabotages what we ultimately want to be – a good dad, a loving husband.

What if you could provide well for your family and be energized and resourced?

I’ll tell you what would happen. You’d be in a better position to be the good dad and loving husband you want to be.

You can’t be good to others if you’re not good to yourself. And you can’t give what you don’t have.

Let’s face it, we work hard to make the big bucks at work and provide for our kids and family. That’s the biggest baseline responsibility we have as family men.

Sure, many women are contributing big-time financially as well these days. But still, there’s something intrinsic in a man’s cell worth relative to his net worth.

And yet when it comes to using some of that net worth for his own well-being, men consistently put themselves last.

I talked with a guy the other day who felt guilty spending $100 to get a massage but he’ll spend $1000 without a thought for his kid to go on a school trip.

Do you put yourself last when it comes to investing in yourself?

And yet there’s a greater wisdom here that goes right over the head of most guys.

When you invest in yourself, to resource yourself, to create a better version of yourself, you’re also investing in your kids having a happier and better dad.

Doing everything all the time for everybody else inevitably leads to burnout. And it makes you a grouchy dad and a shitty husband.

Putting yourself last puts you into a position of resentment. Your family deserves better.

Do you want a better YOU for your wife and your family?

If so, check out this video about a guy who spent 6% of his kid’s college tuition on himself and never blinked an eye because it served his ultimate mission – to be a kick-ass dad who enjoyed every day with his son. Okay, no bullshit, that guy was me.

Your kids and your wife deserve a better version of you and so do you.

It ain’t rocket science to know how to take care of yourself. But it can feel like moving a mountain. You may even have to be willing to fight old voices of guilt.

But step out of your comfort zone. That’s where the magic happens.

Do you want to be a more resourced version of yourself for you and your family?

If so, shoot me a quick email. Let’s explore what’s possible for you.

And another way to get resourced is to connect with other men in your situation. I often say, nobody can do the work for you but you can’t do it alone.

Join a group of other guys putting themselves first for our weekly calls one hour per week at The Men’s Relationship School.

It’s a school that is built on a decade of the best of my work coaching men in relationship.

Try it out now and learn how to…

• RESOURCE YOURSELF when you’re burning the candle at both ends. 
• STOP BEING INVISIBLE and start going after what you want in your relationship.
• GET PAST YOUR FEARS and be the man you want to be.

And lastly, for inspiring daily relationship tips and action items just for men, join my men’s-only private Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship.

The post Do You Martyr Yourself For Your Family? appeared first on Stuart Motola.

It is your responsibility to co-pilot the ship together.

And yet after years together, both of you let go of the wheel.

Have you captained the ship of your marriage?

If not, in time the ship hits a channel of rocks. And yes, that’s why we say, the marriage is on the rocks.

You struggle to get out of the channel. You crank the engine in reverse. You push off a giant pole. Nothing works. You feel stuck.

So then you do what most people do. You see a therapist.

Have you been to therapy for your marital challenges?

When we have marital struggles, the first place we often turn to is a therapist. It seems like the logical place to go.

You go on your own or with your partner. You talk about your challenges. You’re heard and listened to.

And yet do you get clarity on how to right the ship of your marriage?

The common complaint I hear from men regarding therapy is this. There’s a lack of direction.

“Therapy helped me understand what was going on in my marriage, but it didn’t give me any sense of how to change it,” a client of mine recently said.

Another client said, “There was no road map on how to make progress. And that’s what I wanted.”

Why does therapy feel so directionless to so many men?

Simply put, many therapists have a “problem” problem. They are more interested in the problem than a clear solution.

They don’t think in terms of roadmaps or strategies. In fact, they’re often suspicious of them.

And for many men, that leaves them feeling stranded without a raft.

Do you lack a clear action plan with your therapist?

Often we can ignore that. Because therapy can often feel good in the moment. Comforting even.

“Ah, I see what’s going on,” a man might say afterwards.

But twenty-four hours later, the thrill is gone, the insight fades, and his marriage stays stuck.

Is therapy keeping you stuck in your marriage?

Check out the video below to discover the ONE KEY reason why therapy keeps many men stuck in their marriage and what to do about it.

There’s one key thing that men know and trust. And this is particularly true of guys who have had success in their professional lives.

When the pay offs in an endeavor are clear and the blueprint is well-articulated, he’s much more motivated to stay in the game, be a part of the team, and go after what he wants.

And when he’s optimistic about the success he seeks, he gets inspired to step into action to change what is not happening in his life. And that’s doubly true of his marriage.

Do you want to get unstuck in your marriage?

If so, let’s explore what’s possible for you. Shoot me a quick email.

Connect with a bunch of powerful guys playing big in their marriages in my next Men’s Relationship School session (formerly Men’s Relationship Tools) this Tuesday at 12pm ET.

And for daily relationship tips and action items, join my private men’s only Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship.

The post How Therapy Can Keep You Stuck In Your Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

The post Why Therapy Often Falls Short For Men appeared first on Stuart Motola.