His wife Tamara complains about how he is checked out. How he can’t even be with his family for 10 minutes without being on his phone.

Mincing no words, she says, “I feel like I’m in a relationship with a zombie.”

“Say more,” I say.

“You know, he’s checked out. Not really in the room.”

“Well, most of the time,” he interrupts. “I’m actually working to support your lifestyle.”

“Just a second, Philip. It’s not your turn.” I turn back to Tamara. “What are you wanting from him?”

“I want to grab him by the neck and say be with your family, put away your damn phone.”

No wonder he wants to do exactly what you don’t want him to do, I think.

“Well, Tamara, I’d say your behavior modification program is not working well.”

Tamara looks over at her husband with scorn. He returns the look.

“Philip, your turn. Do you hear what Tamara is asking of you?”

He looks off into space. I don’t even know if he’s heard me.

“Philip, are you here? You look like you’re somewhere else.”

“Damn right I’m somewhere else,” he says. “I always have to put up with this crap. God forbid she could be appreciative of all I do. And so what if I want to check out now and then.”

“It sounds like it’s more than now and then.” I pause.

“Philip, the only question that matters right now is this. And you better answer it or as far as I can tell, your marriage is over.”

I’ve caught his attention.

“Do you want be alone or do you want to be married?”

He laughs. “Can I have a little bit of both?”

I pause and allow the dead silence to percolate in the room. I look Philip in the eye.

“Philip, you spend 98% of your time alone. Alone in your head.”

“And your point?” he says.

“My point is your wife is very lonely. She’s dying for her husband.”

He scoffs.

“Are you interested in being married to her?

He pauses. He looks at Tamara with concern. All eyes are on him. He knows this is a make or break moment.

“Well, we’re waiting,” Tamara says.

“Not your turn, Tamara. Give him space,” I say.

Philip is caught in between two realities. One in which his wife is a raging bitch and the other in which he is desperately alone.

To cope, he does something many men do. He withdraws, retreats, and turns away from his wife and yes, even his sons.

It’s his simple way of staying safe from a woman, who he experiences as overbearing, when in truth her request is simple – to have a present husband.

But Philip’s is a false safety that actually makes him less safe, more alone, and more distant from his wife.

In the next moment, I see an opening. I teach him to use a simple 10 second tip to catch himself when he falls into these old patterns which, if continued, will destroy his marriage.

In the video below, check out what I taught him, which transformed his marriage; and if diligently practiced, will transform your marriage as well.

“So, how hard was that?” I say. “To ask yourself a simple question, in order to save your marriage.”

The question was – How can I turn towards her?

Simple but big, in that it required Philip to break decades of unconscious patterning, of abandoning his wife and instead turn towards her and engage with her.

“Hard. It requires me trusting that she’ll receive me.”

“And taking the risk that she won’t,” I say. “And knowing you’ll still be ok.”

He nods, humbled by his new power.

“Bravo, Philip. Good work. That’s called being relational and it’s good for you. It’s good for your wife and it’s good for your kids.”

“Well, there’s hope after all,” Tamara says.

“Great,” I say to her. “Now, when he does that, let him know he did something valuable for you. And when he doesn’t, don’t nag. Instead, help him. Help him help you get what you want. Say to him – Sweetie, can you please turn towards me?”

“I can do that,” she says.

She looks at Philip, reaches for his hand, and he receives it in his.

Are you wanting to transform your marriage or do the same old dance that has you where you are today?

For those men who are wanting to transform their marriage, let’s have a quick chat.

A quick chat is a guaranteed, powerful conversation to give you meaningful insights on how to really understand what’s keeping you stuck from creating the marriage you seek.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest conversation between two individuals keeping it real to explore how you can move ahead in your relationship.

I’d be honored to hear from you. Move into action and shoot me a quick email.

And for the men who prefer a group setting with guys in similar struggles transforming their marriages, check out the Men’s Relationship Tools where I am helping men step into action to enhance sex, passion, trust, and confidence in their relationship. Reply “MRS Yes” to join your first call for free.

The post A 10 Second Tip To Transform Your Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

“Baby,” he says, “I work 10 hours a day, I do everything I can for us to have a good life.”

“Yes, that’s fine,” she says. “But I don’t feel like you love me.”

“What did I do wrong?” He asks her.

“Nothing,” she says.

Do you struggle to understand how you failed your wife?

If so, just know that there are millions of men who are in the same boat as you.

In his seminal book many years ago “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus,” John Gray spoke to this.

He explained a core difference between men and women and how they show love.

Essentially, he said men and women have different brains.

Men are logical. Women are emotional.

And yes, it can often feel like we are on two different planets.

Do you try to understand your wife logically?

If so, there you go, that’s part of the problem.

Due to a lack of advanced emotional intelligence in many of us men, we often ignore emotions and instead attempt to show our love through logic. We try to fix things.

Do you try to serve your wife by fixing and it often backfires?

A guy’s inner script typically goes like this – Tell me the problem and let me use my superior rational powers to make things better, sweetie.

He uses his rational powers at work all the time – in law, finance, business, engineering, science – and it pays off, but not at home.

“Well, then the other day,” Dave continues. “She said that she wanted me to take care of the food for the party, and then when I came home with everything, she got upset at me.

“I asked her why, and she says, oh because I didn’t do it right.

“Baby, I got everything you asked me for. I even had a list.” He scratches his head, mystified.

“That’s not the point,” his wife says. “Three people canceled and now we’ll have too much food.”

“Wait a minute, love. Is this about you being upset for me not getting the right food at the market or about people not coming tonight?”

“Why do you have to argue with me?” She says.

Dave has that “I can never win” look on his face.

And then it goes downhill from there.

Do you struggle to understand your wife?

Well, if so, consider Dave’s story. Maybe it’s yours too. Clearly, there were some illogical things going on.

Logically, Dave got it right, and maybe you do too, but still emotionally he’s on another planet and can’t see what his wife really needs.

Do you want to figure out what your wife really needs?

If so, check out the video below to see how your logic spins you into a place of helplessness with her and what to do instead.

“Dave,” I say, after he’s done telling me about the party incident. “Her upset wasn’t about you.”

“But why did it come out on me?” He asks. “I try to do my best for her and nothing seems like enough.”

“Emotions, Dave. Emotions. Tune into her emotions.

“Start learning her language. Decode her.

“She’ll pivot from food shopping to guests cancelling in a micro-second. And you’ll be left in the dust on the food shopping.

“She was upset about the guests, not you.”

“But…” he says. “It shouldn’t have come out on me.”

“I know, it seems unfair. But this is your chance to man up.”

“Try this, Dave,” I continue. “Say this to yourself.

“Her emotions came out on me. It wasn’t about me. I can be there for her.

“And I can say, I’m sorry, sweetie, that people cancelled. Let’s still do our best to have fun together.”

Hmmm… Dave looks up, thinking. He’s struggling to buy it.

“Ok, I’ll do my best,” he says. He gets it.

Changing his marriage is more important than being right.

In the weeks to come, Dave starts implementing and things improve dramatically with his wife.

Do you want to learn how to decode your wife’s emotions so you can experience less frustration and more joy?

If so, let’s have a quick chat. Men or women who want to learn more about men (that’s right, I am coaching women now).

A quick chat is a guaranteed, powerful conversation to give you meaningful insights on how to create the marriage you want.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest conversation, keeping it real.

I’d be honored to hear from you. Move into action and shoot me a quick email.

And for the men who aren’t ready for 1:1 coaching and still want to transform their marriage, check out the Men’s Relationship Tools.

The post Why Her Emotions Frustrate You appeared first on Stuart Motola.

How can I save my marriage?

Maybe you’re asking yourself this question. Or you’re avoiding it.

Or you’re not even sure if your marriage is worth saving.

You might be saying things like…

“She’s just not open to me.”

“She doesn’t trust me.”

“I know I haven’t been the best to her always. I want to be better moving forward.”

What can you do when your marriage is in crisis?

Maybe you’ve tried therapy, workshops, video courses, and it seems like nothing helps.

Maybe it feels like a lost cause.

I can relate, having been married for 20 years.

Often, I just showed up with my wife, avoiding her and the state of our marriage.

It was a way to get through my days, to get through work, and try to be a good dad.

And that worked for a long time until… it didn’t.

I had hit what a colleague of mine calls the relationship breakpoint.

Are you at a break point in your marriage?

You are if you’re asking yourself if your relationship is worth saving.

You’re at a break point if you’re wondering how long you can continue on in your marriage.

Of course, this is a super tough place to be in. And thousands of men are in the same situation right now.

At the break point, we often see the problem, but we don’t see the solution.

We focus on the problem as if it’s something that needs to be fixed so you can be happy.

And yet I invite you into a deeper experience.

What’s beneath the question of – can I save my marriage?

The truth is, the problem isn’t her distance or her disappearing on you. It’s the impact that it has on you

The sense of hopelessness, that you can’t do anything right, that things can’t be improved.

The power of expert relationship coaching lies in the power of the question asked.

In the video below, discover a better question than ‘can I save my marriage’, to help you out in a tough situation.

So don’t have time to watch the video? I want to offer you that question.

It’s six words.

How can I turn towards her?

Consider that. It speaks to the primary reason you’re in relationship in the first place. To build a life TOGETHER.

There is a power in this question that keeps you connected to your higher mission in relationship and what brought you into it initially.

To help you move into openness, love, connection, and trust with your wife.

Master the skill of staying open to your partner, even in a challenging marriage, and drop me a line below.

Shoot me a quick email and let’s talk.

The post One Question That Can Save Your Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Sometimes, you even feel like you’re at the mercy of it. You want it now.

But you know you can’t demand it.

You know that demanding will just make it more likely that you won’t get it.

Besides, she’s an autonomous independent being.

What is it?

Sex. Of course.

It’s a big deal for us guys.

It’s often the most direct way that we feel love from our wife or partner.

Without sex, things just don’t feel right in the marriage or relationship.

It often feels as if… you are not right. You feel rejection.

A sense of her not being willing to receive you literally, physically, and, of course, emotionally.

Are you in a sexless marriage or relationship?

If so, I have an invitation for you.

To go deeper. To go to what you already know. A painful knowing which takes courage to confront.

The knowing that she’s shut down on you sexually.

And to be willing to learn the deeper causes of why she’s shut down on you.

And to know that it’s a manifestation of how she’s closed on a deeper level, emotionally.

You may have heard the expression, the key to her heart is…”___”

Fill in the blank. Trust, respect, love, emotion, safety….

What about the key to her vagina?

Well, you may have guessed it.

The key to her vagina is her heart.

There are actual nerves that connect her heart and vagina.

So how did her heart shut down on you?

Watch the video below to discover the 3 R’s – resentment, reclusion, and repair – that are key to understanding the deeper root causes of a sexless marriage and what to do about it.

Her heart shut down at some point in your relationship because she felt unsafe talking to you about things.

It could’ve been an incident that happened many years ago.

It could be something you did several weeks ago that reinforced an old story she tells herself.

A story that she’s not safe with you.

These are all deeper root causes of a sexless marriage. It does not just happen overnight.

Do the deeper work to heal the sexual challenges in your relationship.

I applaud you for your courage. For your commitment to give it your best shot.

You are the kind of man I help.

Shoot me a quick email, and let’s talk.

The post The Deeper Root Causes Of A Sexless Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

On a good day, her words are about someone or something else and I can help her figure things out.

On a bad day, her words are about me and what I don’t do right and what I do wrong.

I want to do better but after a while of her talking, it just seems like a lot of words and complaining.

Do you struggle to hear your wife’s words?

Does it seem like she’s just spinning her wheels?

Maybe it seems like you’re a dartboard and her words are the metal tips.

Or, maybe you feel like nothing is ever good enough for her.

Perhaps you have an experience where she just likes to hear herself talk about her problems.

That can be super tough when you’re a good guy and want to make things better for her but you just don’t know how.

Do you wonder why your wife talks so much?

In this video learn several key differences between men and women and how you can bring your natural masculine action-mindedness to the conversation so that she feels fully heard and loved.

But let’s get real, you can learn a ton of great tips and tools but if your heart’s not fully in it, none of it will help.

You may be clinging on to resentment or even resistance to change your ways.

You may be asking yourself, why do I have to change? What about her?

Well, the only one you can change is yourself. That’s where your power comes from. When you try to change her, you’ll only get more frustrated.

Change yourself, learn how to deal with her excessive words, and create the marriage you seek.

Take the first step and let’s have a quick chat.

A guaranteed, powerful conversation to help you get the upper hand on your marriage. I’d be honored to hear from you.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest, real conversation between two guys. No sales pitch. To get started, shoot me a quick email.

And for the many women wanting to learn more about men, check out this special link just for you women.

And for the men who aren’t ready to talk 1:1 and still want to transform their marriage, check out the Men’s Relationship Tools. Reply “MRT Yes” to join. Your first call is free.

The post Why She Talks So Much & Why You Struggle To Listen appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Then there’s another group of guys in the marital battle zone. No sex. The house is on fire. And in response, they try to ignore it. Or they have a fire hose spraying everywhere. But still, the fire’s not going out.

And then there’s a rare few men who have an engaging, fulfilling marriage. They have good sex. They navigate conflict well with their wife. And they feel a sense of trusted home in their wife.

Which of these guys are you?

The first two guys are at a much higher risk of marital dissolution, a kind way of saying getting blindsided by divorce papers.

A fact: Of college-educated couples, it’s the woman 90% of the time who initiates divorce.

Yes, even the first guy. The one who thinks things are fine. He is totally shocked when he gets served papers. He’s like what, how’s that possible? I thought we were fine.

The second guy knows things are bad. But he doesn’t think she’ll pull the divorce trigger. He thinks she’s invested in staying. That’s why she hangs around, even though the house has been on fire for a while.

Are you at risk of getting blindsided by your wife asking for a divorce?

It’s a tough question to answer. And more than trying to cause fear in you, I’m interested in opening your eyes to the reality that this is happening left and right.

Knowledge is power. 90%. That’s a big number.

Regardless, most men would rather not deal with this. He thinks, I’m doing what I can. Or we’re fine, there’s nothing to worry about.

But what if you could see the warning signals. The red flags that she’s got divorce on her mind.

Did you know that women often decide two years prior to asking for a divorce?

Two years. Yeah, I know, it’s crazy. That’s a long time.

But the opportunity for you as a man, who cares about his family, who wants his marriage to work, is to do something critical now.

That something is simple but it takes some work. And I say it in two words in the video below.

Ok, I’m not going to be one of those guys who force you to watch a video to get the answer.

But I explain them more in-depth in the video above. So click on it now and keep the Youtube window open on your phone or laptop to watch when you have a moment.

Those two words are simple. Pay Attention.

Yes, pay attention to the state of your marriage. Pay attention to her body language. The way she looks at you or ignores you. Pay attention to the energy she does or doesn’t give you.

Do you know the signs of a woman who’s decided to divorce?

She’s given up hope. She doesn’t see any real reason to engage you directly anymore. She might have sex now and then, but emotionally she’s checked out or she’s stuck in complaint mode.

When you start to pay attention to her signals, you’ll have a read on the state of your marriage. And you’ll start to notice the #1 reason women blindside men with divorce.

And that is, they are emotionally unfulfilled in the marriage.

They have a voice in their head that says, He’s clueless. He’s checked out. I’m tired of this crap.

What can you do about your marriage?

Start talking to quality men. Men who are working on their marriage in a good way. Guys who are positive about their wives and have good ideas.

The problem is most of us guys don’t know any men like that. And that’s precisely why I created the Men’s Relationship School, where quality men are having powerful conversations to take charge of their marriage.

It’s where we use knowledge that could be dangerous to us and turn it into building strength in ourselves and our relationship.

Let’s face it. The state of your marriage, as much as you might try to avoid it, reflects the state of your life.

If you’re not a group guy and you want to consider 1:1 coaching, shoot me a quick email.

And lastly, if you´re going through a divorce, reply to learn how to divorce amicably for the well-being of your kids & your own mental and emotional health.

The post How Not To Get Blindsided By Your Wife Asking For A Divorce appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Maybe you’ve heard of them.

Maybe you’ve even heard that they are good for your marriage or relationship.

And yet maybe you’re still trying to figure out how the heck to implement them.

If that’s you, you won’t want to miss this podcast in which I speak in detail about:

• How to deal with the childish part of you that says either “I’m gonna let her have it” or “I need to take it from her.”
• How to implement healthy boundaries to deepen trust, intimacy, and happiness with your partner.
• Two types of boundaries and when to use which.
• And much more.

Tune in below.

Good Boundaries Make Great Marriages

And if you want to discuss with other guys going through the same struggles, try out The Men’s Relationship School.

For 2022, I have reduced the cost of The Men’s Relationship School by 50%. That’s 3 to 4 live group calls with me every month. Check it out with a money-back, no-questions-asked guarantee.

If you’re not a group guy, let’s explore what’s possible for you. Send me a quick email.

The post How Good Boundaries Make Great Marriages appeared first on Stuart Motola.

It speaks to when you feel like things are happening TO you instead of FOR you.

In your marriage, that might be the same old conflict with your wife about the dishes in the sink or the trash not being taken out, or the kids getting to school late.

And you’re thinking to yourself, really, this again?

It’s then that you often internalize a bunch of crappy self-talk.

Do any of these statements feel true for you?

When she freaks out, I want to hide.

I need to make her happy before I can be happy.

If I upset her, I’m a bad man.

It’s easy to stay stuck in the weeds and just feel the impact of what’s happening to you. But the problem is over time it creates an inner voice that says, I’m screwed if I don’t … A, B, or C… (fill in the blank)

Instead, what if you could say…?

When she freaks out, I’m ok.

I contribute to her happiness when I prioritize my own.

If I upset her, she’ll be ok.

It would be a game-changer, wouldn’t it?

You’d be able to get what you want in your marriage – for things to settle down, for peace, for you and your wife to be good together – and for you, to be a calm, confident, and loving husband in charge of his marriage.

So what stands in the way of getting what you want?

It boils down to this one thing. Something I’ve seen time and again in 15 years of coaching guys. It is a belief that you have to be a certain guy for her to be ok.

It could be the good guy, the unflappable man, or the perfect husband.

You start to think, If I could just be that guy, things would settle down. You put on a mask to try to be that guy and in the process, lose who you really are. And it feels terrible.

What if you could stop wearing a mask and just be you?

It’s a great question and I’ll get to that in a moment.

But unfortunately, you often have to get hit by a 2 x 4 to the head first before you even know there’s a problem.

And often that looks like waking up in the middle of the night in a sweat, thinking – Holy shit, I don’t even know who the hell I am with her anymore.

But let me tell you something. And this might be a bitter pill to swallow. It ain’t on her. It’s on you.

You’re the one who thought you needed to be someone else for her.

You’re the one who bought into this idea that it was your job to make her happy.

Sure, she might’ve encouraged along the way. But you gave yourself away.

Do you wear a mask to try to make your wife happy?

The good news is once you see what’s going on, you have the power to change it. You can take off the mask and take back control. Check out the video below to do just that.

When you take off the mask – be it the good guy, the perfect husband – and just be you, a guy doing his best to show up better every day in his marriage, a whole new world opens up.

A world in which you can calm down, get out of the weeds, and be in a much stronger position to save your marriage.

And this is a big thing that the guys I work with do. Their self-talk changes. It transforms to…

I want to take responsibility here. And I want to step up my game.

I want to take off this damn mask I’ve been wearing. And I want to stop posturing.

And I want to take action. Because nobody is coming to save me.

Let’s face it. It sucks wearing a mask with the person you love the most.

Chances are she’s got her own mask as well.

The beauty of you taking off your mask first is she’ll be much more likely to follow. And then you can both be truly visible to one another, authentic, and loving.

Are you ready to take off the mask you’ve been wearing in your marriage and be the calm, confident, and collected you?

If so, check out these options I have for you.

First, a 60-minute free coaching call guaranteed to get you a major “AHA” on how to up your game in your marriage.

Second, The Men’s Relationship School, for guys who are tired of scrolling through free internet content and youtube videos, and are not ready to invest in 1:1 coaching, and want to step into action beyond information.

• Three weekly live calls per month with me. Get your relationship questions answered.
• A group of guys to walk with you, so you don’t go it alone. A huge thing we guys miss.
• Books & resources to up your game, so you get new reframes & ideas.
• Action items to move you into action to change your relationship.
• Audio recordings of prior calls to revisit key concepts & in case you can’t make a call.

​Third, check out my free men’s-only private Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship for inspiring daily relationship tips and action items just for men.

The post Do You Wear A Mask To Stay Married? appeared first on Stuart Motola.

In fact, it’s something you should’ve known way before you even got married.

It’s precisely because you don’t know this one thing that you may be in a marriage that drains you more than fulfills you.

And it can put you in a position where you feel like you’ve lost yourself with your wife and wonder…

Who I am with her? Do I want to continue as things are?

You might even feel like you can do nothing right for her. Or you have to walk on eggshells around her.

I remember years ago when I was in this position, thinking, what I wouldn’t give to get clarity on the future of my marriage. If I only knew then what I know now.

Regardless, what I learned is this one thing. A thing that is critical to know if you want to stay in your marriage or not.

Do you want to know the future of your relationship?

If clarity has been elusive, chances are you were overlooking this one thing.

And here’s a chance to finally figure it out.

But I’m not gonna BS you, it takes a little bit of work.

Are you willing to do some work to get clear on your marriage’s prospects?

Every day you feel this one thing with your partner – in your ability to speak openly and to feel trusted and safe.

But in its absence, you often feel attacked, not enough, or unable to make her happy.

So, here it is. And I’m going to follow it up with a critical question.
In a nutshell, it’s… how you’ve entangled your nervous system with that of your partner.

You see, your nervous system is constantly giving you signals about the current state of your marriage – if you’re ok, if you’re not, if you’re vulnerable to attack or safe to engage.

There’s a ton of information readily available within you. And you likely have a sense of it but it’s very rare that an individual knows the meaning of it or what it’s clearly telling them.

To get to that clarity, consider this one related question that gets straight to the core of what you’re feeling and what’s going on inside of you.

When I think of the future, 5, 10 years down the road, do I want to continue to be entangled in the nervous system of my partner or not?

To answer, it helps to pause and slow things down. Take a few breaths and get out of your head. Below the neck, I like to say. Feel the answer in your body.

That’s the no-bullshit zone where you’re not trying to argue your way out of information that scares you.

Give it a try right now. Close your eyes for five seconds. Ask yourself the question. See what your body says.

Can you try this for a moment?

For a lot of guys, it’s a hell no, I don’t want to stay entangled in her nervous system. She’s nervous, she’s anxious, she’s hysterical.

For many women, it’s he’s checked out, he’s withdrawn, I don’t know where the man is, I can’t relax or trust him.

But let’s be clear, this might just be where you are at this moment.

What if instead of just wanting to get the hell out of your marriage, you could pause, slow things down, and make peace with all your inner voices?

Because chances are if you’re reading this there’s another part of you that wants to make things work.

There’s a lot to consider. Your kids, mutual assets, the family. Self-judgments of being the jerk who blows up his family. The asshole who betrays his partner.

Let’s get real. It’s not just as simple as, do I want to stay connected to my partner or not?

But with the noise of all your other concerns, you rarely get to the “gut information” about your nervous system and what you’re choosing relationally.

In fact, often we won’t go there because we fear the answer.

And yet getting to that “gut truth” will help you know what you’re in the room with.

Why you struggle so much to move forward.

And how easy it is to stay stuck and frozen without clarity, for months, years, and even decades.

What if it wasn’t just about saving or leaving your relationship but about leaving who you’ve become in your relationship and becoming a better version of yourself to make the best decision possible?

And from there you’d be in a much stronger place to make this huge decision.

To get to the “gut truth” about the future of your relationship and what it’s really telling you, check out the video below.

Do you want to make the right decision about your marriage?

Regardless of whether you save or leave your relationship, you, your kids, and your wife deserve a better version of you. And it’s from there that you’ll make the right decision for you and your family moving forward.

Getting there is not rocket science but it can feel elusive. To get it right. To be present with fear instead of avoiding it. To step out of your comfort zone and into transformation with wise guidance.

If you’re ready to step into action and move past information, shoot me a quick email. Let’s explore what’s possible for you.

Remember, nobody can do the work for you but you can’t do it alone.

And if you’re not ready to consider the investment of 1:1 coaching, check out The Men’s Relationship School.

It’s a school that is built on a decade of the best of my work coaching men in relationship. A group of guys taking action together as a team on their relationships one hour per week.

Check it out now and learn how to…

• GET CLARITY on the save or leave your relationship question.
• GET PAST YOUR FEARS and be the best version of yourself.
• STOP BEING INVISIBLE with your partner and start going after what you want in your relationship.

And if you’re not ready for action and only want information, check out my men’s-only private Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship for inspiring daily relationship tips and action items just for men.

The post Answer This One Question To Know If You Should Save Or Leave Your Relationship appeared first on Stuart Motola.

My client Jack raises his hands like claws at his skull. The complaints come at him constantly. It feels like an endless barrage.

He works full time as the CEO of a successful company. And he’s still not doing enough.

Is your wife always complaining?

Jack’s wife was complaining A LOT. And unfortunately for him, he got sucked down the rabbit hole with her.

He did that by making her complaints about him. He internalized the belief that no matter what he did, her complaints were a sign that he had failed her as a man.

“Even the kids,” he said, “are not good enough for her. They’re on their phones all the time. They’re unhelpful. I mean, jeez woman, these are our kids. Come on. Cut them some slack!”

What Jack really meant was “cut ME some slack.” Being with a wife who complains a lot can be a major burden for a guy.

Do you take on your wife’s complaints as your burden?

It seems that more and more these days a lot of women traffic in complaints. In some ways, you could say it’s their style of communication.

But you see most of us guys don’t understand that. And we take it personally.

Like Jack, we make it about us. Whether we know it or not, we have this unconscious belief in “happy wife, happy life.”

The problem with that is on the flip side, it translates to “unhappy wife, unhappy life.” And then we internalize the belief that if she’s hot happy, then I can’t be.

And while it’s noble to care about your wife’s well-being, taking on her happiness as your responsibility DOES NOT work out well, as Jack noticed.

Do you take on your wife’s unhappiness as your responsibility?

You see, the thing is Jack did this, in order to fill a void within himself. He abandoned his own wants and needs and focused solely on those of his wife.

And that meant, he abandoned what he wanted. As a result, he only knew what he didn’t want.

“So, what’s your greatest hope with her?” I asked him.

“That she’ll stop complaining!” He said.

I nodded. And then I asked him something else, something he hadn’t thought possible. Something he couldn’t even imagine.

What if you could transform her complaints into loving requests?

His eyebrows raised with disbelief. “Yeah, right, are you some kind of magician?”

The next few months, Jack and I went on a mission to do just this. And this is how we did it.

The first thing I taught Jack was to stop making his wife’s complaints all about him. To start seeing that HE was not the problem. The problem was how he dealt with her complaints.

Like a man, he took it all on. I call this false heroism. It’s the b.s. behind the “happy wife, happy life” script, which Jack wasn’t even aware was running him.

Together we worked on helping him put some distance between himself and his wife’s complaints. To have a healthy boundary. Not letting all her complaints penetrate the deepest parts of his heart.

Do your wife’s complaints tear at your heart?

Once Jack learned to have a healthy boundary from his wife’s complaints, he was able to actually be the good, caring guy he wanted to be. What an irony.

You see, even though Jack was a powerful guy at work, at home he was a nice guy.

And as a nice guy, he thought that letting his wife’s complaints penetrate his heart was empathy and being a good guy.

But the problem is that strategy shut him down to her and just caused him a ton of resentments.

Do you get resentful at your wife when she complains?

If so, do what I taught Jack. Start to separate yourself from her complaints. Create a healthy boundary on what you let sink in.

Start to see that she’s the one having a hard time. Not you. Let me repeat. NOT YOU! You don’t have to take that on.

And in fact, when you stop taking it on, you’ll be a better man for her.

Being a good man is not the same as letting all her complaints sink into your heart.

When you stop that, and yes even if she attacks your character, you are in a much more powerful position to keep yourself safe and not be dragged down.

And when you’re not dragged down, you receive something else. It’s called bandwidth. That offers you more energy. Energy to hear her and listen, and yes, with empathy.

It’s empathy that helps her get what she wants – to feel heard and be seen. The lack of being heard and seen is what has her complaining so much in the first place.

And when she’s heard and seen, her whole nervous system calms down. She feels loved. And it’s then that you can transform her complaint into a loving request.

Do you want to transform her complaints into loving requests?

If so, check out the video below for 3 key steps I took Jack through to get his marriage from “I’m done” to “I feel loved and respected.”

It’s tough being a guy in marriage today. We want to be good to our wife and we want to be empathic.

Of course, we want to be a good guy. Nobody wants to be the macho jerk. We want to try to meet her needs as best as we can.

But when they come out in the form of complaints all the time, it’s only human to get resentful.

Are you stuck between resentments and the desire to be a good man for your wife?

If so, cut yourself some slack. How would you know how to do any different? Did you ever go to school for this stuff? Of course not. Maybe like me, you went to the school of heart knocks.

Well, I’m excited to say that I have created a relationship school for men. The Men’s Relationship School. A school that is built on a decade of the best of my work coaching men in relationship.

Let’s face it, not every guy is ready for the deeper commitment and investment of 1:1 coaching. That’s why I created The Men’s Relationship School. I’m offering it for a low monthly fee of $89, but you can enjoy the month of October for FREE!

Try it out and learn how to…

• HAVE A STRONG BACKBONE to get the respect and love you deserve.
• GET PAST YOUR FEARS of her freak outs and stay bold and calm in the heat of conflict.
• TRANSFORM HER COMPLAINTS into loving requests.
• And more.

Not a group guy? To talk 1:1, shoot me a quick email.

And join my men’s-only private Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship for inspiring daily relationship tips and action items just for men.

The post Transform Her Complaints Into Loving Requests appeared first on Stuart Motola.