They say, “I love my wife. She’s great but I don’t know if I can stay married to her.”

And then they explain further…

“We haven’t had sex in months.

“She’s not even interested.

“She’s frigid.”

Do you struggle with sex in your relationship?

Sex is a big deal for us dudes.

It’s often been said that we men need to have sex to feel emotionally connected.

And on the flip side, she needs to be emotionally connected to have sex.

It can feel like such a disconnect. God’s cruel joke.

What comes first – sex or emotional connection?

Many guys don’t even know that his wife needs to be emotionally connected to have sex.

They think she just needs to open her legs and accept him.

They say, “I do everything to fulfill what she needs of me. She doesn’t reciprocate.”

I understand this well because I was in a 20-year marriage where sex was often lacking.

I tried to behave myself. You know, score points. Try to be loving. And then maybe she’d be open up to sex.

But most of the time, she’d reject me. It was as if she saw this sudden wave of exemplary behavior and didn’t quite trust it. And with good reason.

Do you try to score points with your wife to get sex?

Eventually, I’d wonder, What’s the point?

Why even bother to try to build an emotional connection if I can’t get laid once in a while by my own damn wife?

So I’d feel the sting of rejection. To cope, I’d suck it up and try to stay the course for my son and the family.

But do we really have to castrate ourselves to stay married?

There’s got to be a better way. But yet it’s so easy just to throw in the towel, give up, look at other women, or accept the status quo.

There’s a name for that course of action. It’s called “playing small.”

It feels like crap because it is small – small-minded, small-hearted, and small sexually.

What if you had a better way to revive your sexless marriage?

Before we get there, let’s acknowledge something big.

In a long-term relationship or marriage, we have this other dynamic going on. I’ll speak to it in a second.

Often, we don’t know about this dynamic, because the only reference we have for abundant sex is in the good old days, during the honeymoon chemical-flooding phase of doing it in the bathroom, the car, the kitchen, a park bench, anywhere we could get our sex organs out.

What we had then that was lost many years into marriage was simply this… Eros.

Eros is mystery, the unknown, erotic curiosity, arousal, and passion.

It’s something that gets squashed in the day-to-day functioning of married life – getting the kids to school, going to work, bills paid, etc., etc.

We lost our eros and passion because at some point, whether we knew it or not, we prioritized security, stability, and commitment over risk, vulnerability, and deep connection.

Does fear of risk hold you back from creating a fulfilling sex life?

In this video below, I talk about 3 steps to creating a sexually fulfilling marriage, and 3 mental errors we guys make in the process.

Do you want to up level your sex life?

There’s an old joke. To kill off your sex life, get married.

But let’s face it, you didn’t get married to kill off your sex life.

You got married to build a home – psychological, emotional, physical, sexual in one another, and a literal home for your kids.

Fixing a sexless marriage takes some work. And yes, there could be some struggle in achieving it.

Hard conversations, not taking everything personally, and a willingness to get curious about your partner’s blocks.

Are you willing to be in the struggle of rebuilding your sex life?

At the end of the day, you get to decide what you want to struggle for, and what problems you choose.

When asked if they’re willing to put in the work to rebuild their sex life, most guys say, “Well it depends.”

I hate to break it to you. But nothing groundbreaking happens in the land of “it depends.”

If that’s you, it’s a sign that you’re not super serious about turning around your sex life.

For those guys who are serious, ready to be in the struggle, and ready to do something life-changing, let’s have a quick chat.

You are the kind of man I work with. You are the man I help up level his sex life.

A quick chat is a guaranteed, powerful conversation to give you meaningful insights on how to really understand what’s keeping you stuck from having a great sex life.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest conversation between two guys keeping it real to explore how you can move ahead in your relationship.

I’d be honored to hear from you. Move into action and shoot me a quick email.

And if you’re more of a group guy, consider checking out the Men’s Relationship Tools where I am helping men step into action to enhance sex, passion, trust, and confidence in their relationship.

The post 3 Steps To Fix Your Sexless Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

We’ve been together 12 years, says another.

We’ve been together 22 years, says a third guy.

What do all these guys have in common?

All of them flatlined in their marriages. They all felt dead inside with their partner. They struggled with passion in their marriages.

Passion. It often fades in a long-term relationship. Aliveness, a sense of a spark, excitement, connection, sex.

Guys want passion. Women want passion too. All humans want passion.

It seems to be this universal desire as if it’s a right of ours to have passion in our primary relationship.

People are saying to themselves, “I have a right to experience passion, to get out of the dead zone in my marriage, it’s killing me.”

And yet so many people struggle with attaining passion.

Do you lack passion in your relationship?

It’s one thing to want passion. It’s another to sabotage it. And so, often your desire for something else is sabotaging passion.

And that something else is… Can you guess what it is?

Drumroll, please…. It is comfort, safety, and security.

Too much safety, too much comfort kills passion. Passion grows out of uncertainty and risk.

Now don’t get me wrong, safety is critical as a baseline quality to any long-term relationship.

But most people have flatlined in their relationship precisely because somewhere down the road, they chose safety over passion.

They live in an inner script of….

Well, you know, she gets upset when I say the wrong word, so I don’t say anything anymore.

Or…

Yeah, she hates it when I ask for sex. I got tired of her rejecting me, so I stopped asking.

It’s safe to retreat or disengage. But it won’t get you the passion you seek in your relationship.

Do you choose safety over passion in your relationship?

If so, I get it, we need to be safe – emotionally, physically, psychologically – in a long-term relationship.

We need to feel that sense of a safe home in our partner. A place we can rest, experience calm, a sense of respite from the world. But again…

Too much safety leads to a flatlined, dead relationship.

So where are you willing to get unsafe in your relationship?

Maybe you’ve taken risks but they didn’t work out. Then, you just recoiled back into safety.

“I asked her out on a date night and she said no.”

“I tried to do that blindfold thing I’ve been fantasizing about, but she wouldn’t go for it.”

“I touched her on the inside of her arm like she asked me to and then she told me I did it wrong.”

Risks are important but the right risks are even more important.

Are you taking the right risks in your relationship, if any at all?

Risks that get you payoffs.

Risks that honor where you are and help you with the next step needed to move forward into passion.

Risks that won’t crush you if things go south.

Take the right risk at the right time and succeed. And then the next risk and the next.

Build a bridge of risks to get you across that river that’s been keeping you stuck on the shores of deadness.

Do you want to learn how to bring passion back into your marriage?

Check out the video below to discover how stepping into the right risks will bring the passion back to your relationship.

“The level of passion in your relationship is commensurate to the level of risk you’re willing to tolerate in your relationship,” Tony Robbins once said.

It’s a powerful statement that speaks precisely to why risk-averse individuals have no passion in their relationship.

It may be where you feel stuck right now.

Are you willing to take a risk right now?

If so, take that first step and let’s have a quick chat.

A guaranteed, powerful conversation to give you meaningful insights on how to build your risk tolerance to bring passion back into your relationship.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest conversation between two guys keeping it real to explore how you can move ahead in your relationship.

I’d be honored to hear from you. Move into action and shoot me a quick email.

The post What Stops You From Getting Passion Back In Your Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

How can I save my marriage?

Maybe you’re asking yourself this question. Or you’re avoiding it.

Or you’re not even sure if your marriage is worth saving.

You might be saying things like…

“She’s just not open to me.”

“She doesn’t trust me.”

“I know I haven’t been the best to her always. I want to be better moving forward.”

What can you do when your marriage is in crisis?

Maybe you’ve tried therapy, workshops, video courses, and it seems like nothing helps.

Maybe it feels like a lost cause.

I can relate, having been married for 20 years.

Often, I just showed up with my wife, avoiding her and the state of our marriage.

It was a way to get through my days, to get through work, and try to be a good dad.

And that worked for a long time until… it didn’t.

I had hit what a colleague of mine calls the relationship breakpoint.

Are you at a break point in your marriage?

You are if you’re asking yourself if your relationship is worth saving.

You’re at a break point if you’re wondering how long you can continue on in your marriage.

Of course, this is a super tough place to be in. And thousands of men are in the same situation right now.

At the break point, we often see the problem, but we don’t see the solution.

We focus on the problem as if it’s something that needs to be fixed so you can be happy.

And yet I invite you into a deeper experience.

What’s beneath the question of – can I save my marriage?

The truth is, the problem isn’t her distance or her disappearing on you. It’s the impact that it has on you

The sense of hopelessness, that you can’t do anything right, that things can’t be improved.

The power of expert relationship coaching lies in the power of the question asked.

In the video below, discover a better question than ‘can I save my marriage’, to help you out in a tough situation.

So don’t have time to watch the video? I want to offer you that question.

It’s six words.

How can I turn towards her?

Consider that. It speaks to the primary reason you’re in relationship in the first place. To build a life TOGETHER.

There is a power in this question that keeps you connected to your higher mission in relationship and what brought you into it initially.

To help you move into openness, love, connection, and trust with your wife.

Master the skill of staying open to your partner, even in a challenging marriage, and drop me a line below.

Shoot me a quick email and let’s talk.

The post One Question That Can Save Your Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

In 15 years of coaching men in relationship, I’ve seen how it’s key to a man to take charge of his marriage.

It cuts to the heart of answering the question.

How do I fix my marriage?

To do so, you must see your blind spot.

Without doing so, you fall into the rabbit hole of judgment, shame, and staying stuck.

If you ever have any of these thoughts, you’re in that rabbit hole.

She’s crazy.

She blames me for everything.

I can’t be enough for her.

Paradoxically, the rabbit hole can be comfortable – a hiding spot – that is until you’re sick and tired of being stuck.

What rabbit hole do you fall into in your marriage?

Some guys cope while doing nothing and say, “My marriage sucks and it’s not fixable.”

Other guys say, “I don’t know if it’s fixable or not, but regardless I’m committed to becoming a better me in relationship.”

Which man are you?

Implied in the development of a “better me” is the quest for more aliveness, confidence, and self-worth, in service to your marriage, family and kids.

This is the guy who knows the work of fixing his marriage begins with himself.

He’s done slogging through his days in a compromised marriage, dishing out or taking on blame and judgment.

He’s done staying stuck in the same old conflict patterns.

Doing so, he knows he merely placates the fears he’s avoiding. The fear of divorce, financial ruin, or losing his kids.

He wants to be bigger than his fears. Bigger than his blind spots.

What’s your blind spot in your marriage?

Your willingness to consider this question is a powerful step. It offers you great opportunity. And often also, a bitter pill to swallow.

That bitter pill is this. Like it or not, you’re responsible for co-creating the situation you’re in, regardless of how much you want to blame your partner.

And every day, consciously or not, you choose to stay stuck or unstuck in your marriage.

And let’s get clear, brother, this is not about self-blame or shame.

In fact, it’s the opposite. It’s about self-ownership into self-empowerment.

Your challenged marriage asks you to step into a bigger version of yourself, to get to a place of power and choice in your relationship.

Do you want to be empowered to create the marriage you want?

In the video below, discover one powerful tool to liberate you into a whole new up-leveling of your relationship.

A massive expansion occurs for a man in a moment.

The moment when he steps fully into self-responsibility for the life he’s created, for the energy he brings to his days, and for the marriage that he creates.

Are you ready to up-level who you are in relationship?

If so, shoot me a quick email to jump on a 15 minute call and see how 1:1 coaching may benefit you.

Or join me on the Men’s Relationship Tools weekly call on Tuesdays at 12pm ET, a couching roundtable for any man to get relationship support for only $47/month. Check it out anytime. First call is free.

The post Do This One Thing To Fix Your Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

He wants guidance. He wants reassurance.

He’s a man who thrives with a plan.

How do you know if your marriage can be fixed?

Of course, no one has a crystal ball looking into the future. Still, having coached men in relationship for the last 15 years, there are clear signs of if your marriage can be fixed or not.

Before answering Dave, I invite him to go a bit deeper.

“You’re wanting to fix your marriage,” I say. “Of course. That’s why you’re asking this question.”

He nods his head.

“So, take a pause and notice where that desire comes from.”

“What do you mean?” he says.

“Does it come from your love for your wife? Love for what you’ve shared over the past 15 years? Or from your fear of divorce? Or fear of losing your kids?”

“Probably all of it,” he says.

“Great honesty. Now notice the impact of it coming from love vs fear.”

He pauses. “When I come from love, I feel more courageous, more expansive.”

“Yes. And let’s be clear. Fear can be helpful as well,” I say. “Your fears are merely inner voices trying to keep you safe from losing love.”

Can fear help you fix your marriage?

Depending on your relationship with fear, it’ll either energize you or drain you.

I coach Dave on how to be in right relationship with fear, how to transform fear from a master to an advisor.

And that’s helpful for him.

But when it comes to knowing if his marriage can be fixed, there’s a bigger piece here. Something that I can’t help him with as directly.

“So Dave, there’s another thing to consider regarding your question about if your marriage can be fixed.”

He looks at me with curiosity.

“Like a lot of men who I work with, I sense that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to fix your marriage.”

What will it take to fix your marriage?

“Yes,” Dave says.

“You’re thinking, if I work on myself intensely, become a better man for her, then I’ll be able to fix things. Does that resonate?”

Dave nods and breathes deeply.

“Great. But that’s just part of the equation. And it relates to a sign that your marriage may be difficult to fix.”

Do you know the one big sign that your marriage can’t be fixed?

“You’ve said that your wife is unwilling to work on herself.”

I explain to him. She has to own her part. Look at her behaviors. Take responsibility for her side of things. Be willing to work on herself.

And that could even be as simple as working on opening up to receiving the better man you’re trying to become.

At the end of the day, if she’s completely closed off to you, your marriage cannot be fixed.

She’s got to be open to the fruits of your labors. To let go of the past challenges. Or at least be willing to repair them.

Is your wife willing to work on herself regarding your marriage?

Check out the video below to discover what to do if she’s not willing to do the work.

Dave admitted that his wife wouldn’t do any work on herself. Still he decided to hire me as his coach. Why bother?

Because he saw great value in becoming a better version of himself, for him, and not just for her. He was doing it for future relationships, if it came to that.

He didn’t want to end up in the same spot again. And he also wanted to know that he was giving his marriage his best shot.

Dave crushed it.

In several months, he got better at navigating the hardships, better at not getting activated, and not becoming dominated by his emotions.

In time, he became an assured, calm, and confident man in his marriage.

And what do you know, his wife saw his efforts and eventually opened up to do work on herself.

Do you want to become a better man in your relationship?

If so, shoot me a quick email.

For men and women going through big transitions in life and relationship, check out my in-person Metamorphosis Retreat in Asheville, North Carolina November 3-5 with my colleague Sarah Haggerty.

Or join me at one of these two online trainings.

Men’s Relationship Tools weekly call on Tuesdays at 12pm ET, a couching roundtable for any man to get relationship support, for only $47/month.

A Confident Man’s Path To Relationship for 6 weeks on Tuesdays 7:30-9pm ET at $395, limited to 8 men, with the focus on prospering through the holidays.

The post One Sign Your Marriage Can’t Be Fixed appeared first on Stuart Motola.

But like so many other successful men I speak with, his marriage is falling apart.

Jake can’t reconcile himself to his own failure at home. He loves his kids, but he refuses to fully acknowledge his wife’s unhappiness.

Sure, it bugs him. And yes, he wants her to be happy. But instead of engaging with her, he’s thinking about throwing in the towel.

Do you ever think about throwing in the towel in your marriage?

“Why the hell not?” he says. “I’m happy in my life. But with her, all I get is a boatload of complaints.”

I nod. “Jake, why did you marry Emily?”

“She was charming, charismatic, the kind of woman who turned heads at a party.”

“So you married a trophy?” I say.

“Well… uh… no!”

“What else attracted you to her?” I say.

He pauses and thinks, goes a bit deeper.

“She was kind and loving. She had an open-hearted way about her.”

“Thank you.” I nod. “And now you’ve lost her heart and you want out?”

He pauses. “Yeah, but…”

There is no but. He knows it and stops short.

“You’ve focused on her unhappiness and her complaints as the problem. You’ve retreated into your work life and left her behind. True or false?”

No answer. Implied is true.

Do you sometimes want to just leave it all behind?

“So what do I do?” Jake asks me.

“You first decide if you want to save your family and resuscitate your marriage. It might mean you getting off your high horse of my life’s great, she’s a pain in the ass.”

“Ok. And how do I do that?”

I go on to teach Jake about relationality, about “we” consciousness instead of “me” consciousness, about having a relationship with his wife.

Do you want an authentic relationship with your wife?

You see Jake had diagnosed the problem – it was Emily’s unhappiness that was the problem. It wasn’t their marriage or his being emotionally checked out.

It’s something that I see with a lot of successful men who put themselves in this safe, constructed reality.

And it’s why so many men are stuck in their marriage.

Are you stuck in your marriage?

Learn why so many men get stuck in their relationship in the video below.

Within a few weeks, Jake starts spending more time at home, trying to help out around the house. He understands how he lost the sense of team with his wife.

He begins to now play for his family, instead of the fleeting egoic trip of accolades from his work colleagues.

Who would be at his deathbed at the end of his days?

Who would be walking with him in the next 10 years?

As a 47-year-old man, he starts thinking about these things.

What’s the long game you’re playing in your marriage?

Work was not the problem. But giving everything to work and little to his relationship was. No wonder Jake ended up in a marital shit show.

Jake began putting his home life in better balance with his work life. And after two months of working together, we brought Emily onto our calls.

I spoke with her alone first. It was important that she saw I wasn’t just working for Jake but for them as a couple.

In a month, they both learned to open up to one another, to hear each other’s side of the story, to stop reacting and start responding, and slow down and connect with one another.

Do you want to step into your marriage to build a better relationship?

Transform your relationship September 23-26 in The Confident Man’s Path To Relationship Retreat.

This will be a deep dive into how you can be an empowered and confident man with your partner.

Enjoy comfortable accommodations, beautiful mountain views, killer hot tubs, and more.

Save $400 on the retreat when you attend the next Retreat Preview Zoom Call on August 15, 8-9 pm ET.

Can’t make the call? Book a call with me to learn more about the retreat.

Or if you’re not a group guy, shoot me a quick email to talk about 1:1 coaching to help you be in your A game with your partner.

I’d be honored to hear from you.

The post Why Men Feel Stuck In Their Relationship appeared first on Stuart Motola.

What do you do?

In the past month, two clients told me a version of this story above.

Both were stunned at their kids’ responses when they told them that they might be headed for divorce.

Can you imagine what the kids said?

“I’m surprised you hung in there so long. I thought you and mom would’ve divorced years ago.”

Is your marriage working? Is it serving you, your wife, and your kids?

Hey, I’m not a homewrecker. I really do want marriages to work out.

But I also don’t believe it’s wise to stay in a marriage that you want to leave just for fear of how it will impact your kids.

And that’s especially true with two miserable, stressed-out parents.

What if you could divorce with the love you married with?

On the Mankind Podcast, my most vulnerable podcast ever, I recently shared:

• The most difficult conversations that men avoid with their wife.
• My own personal story away from divorce and into emancipation.
• How divorce is an unsavory word and what to use instead.

Check it out now.

If you´re on the brink of divorce, reach out to me to learn how to divorce lovingly and wisely, for the well-being of your kids & your own mental and emotional health.

And if you want to discuss with other guys going through the same struggles, try out The Men’s Relationship School. For 2022, I have reduced the cost of The Men’s Relationship School by 50%. That’s 3 to 4 live group calls with me every month. Check it out with a money-back, no-questions-asked guarantee.

The post Tough Conversations Men Avoid With Their Wife appeared first on Stuart Motola.

At a certain point, we get so safe in the relationship that we stop aspiring towards what lights us up. And often we can’t put our finger on when that happened.

Then one day, we live into a future we didn’t even know we were choosing. That was my story as well, leading me to write a book many years later called “Fixing You Is Killing Me.”

We ignore the spark that originally lit us up about our partner.

And over time, to get through our days, we end up stuffing things down – opinions, desires, feelings – to keep the peace. And from there, unknowingly we get into a withholding pattern.

Do you withhold your opinions, desires, or feelings in your relationship to stay married?

If so, I totally understand. I did it for years in a 25-year marriage.

It was easier to shut up and stuff things down than to deal with the conflict I thought would ensue if I didn’t.

But in the process, I lost something big and maybe this is true for you. Dare I say, one’s soul. The vivacity of aliveness. The spark of desire.

Have you lost the spark in your marriage or relationship?

As a survival mechanism, functioning in daily life takes over. It could be getting the kids to school. Succeeding at work. Paying the bills. Saving money.

And inside is left the carcass of an individual who feels alone and fears it will be like that forever. This is a dark moment for any person in a marriage or long-term relationship.

Do you feel alone in your relationship?

Often we feel this aloneness and we accept it for fear that trying to change things will only make things work. We resign ourselves to survival mode.

How can you come alive again in your relationship?

First, you must have the courage to ask hard questions.

Check out the video below to discover those questions.

What does it cost you to stay in a relationship where you feel invisible?

Have you thought about what are you modelling for your kids about relationship?

What do you fear will come true?

Living the questions is the face to face with death. The death of your old relationship.

But in that death is the emergence and birth of a new relationship.

It’s often been said that a couple must reinvent themselves every 5 to 7 years to have a vibrant and alive relationship. In a long-term marriage, you can expect to have multiple lives together.

And yet most of us refuse that call. We don’t know that we can actually die into something new. We don’t how to do it.

And most of all, we don’t know that we’re being called into something greater.

What are you being called into with your partner?

Nobody can find out for you, but you can’t discover it alone. It’s impossible to see your own blind spots. That was true for me as well.

We are more powerful with allies and guides than we are alone.

Come join a powerful group of allies at The Men’s Relationship School and…

• Learn simple strategies to come alive in yourself & relationship.
• Discover how to stay the course & recover when you trip up. (Inevitably, you will; we all do.)
• And finally become you again – the real, authentic confident you, not hiding, not wearing a mask.

For 2022, I have reduced the cost of The Men’s Relationship School by 50%. That’s 3 to 4 live group calls with me every month. Check it out with a money-back, no-questions-asked guarantee.

If you’re not a group guy, let’s explore what’s possible for you. Send me a quick email.

And lastly, if you´re on the brink of divorce, email me at info@stuartmotola.com to learn how to divorce lovingly and wisely, for the well-being of your kids & your own mental and emotional health.

The post I Withhold What I Really Want To Stay Married appeared first on Stuart Motola.

As a super-successful options trader, Robert is unaccustomed to not having the answers.

“We’ve been married for years and somewhere, I don’t know exactly when, she shut down on me.”

Has your wife shut down on you?

Robert’s wife not only shut down on him, but she tried turning his son against him as well.

He was stunned when she called him an asshole while his kid was in the back seat of the car.

“Why would she do that? I don’t even know who she is anymore.”

Have you lost your wife in your marriage?

Robert had. And he fell into fear. Understandably so.

Robert feared that divorce was on the horizon. He feared that his wife would try to take his son away from him.

He had fear that he’d failed in his marriage. And fear that he wouldn’t be ok.

Fear was killing him. But he wanted something greater.

Do you fear not being ok if you divorce?

Robert did. And what he did initially, something I see a lot of men do, exacerbated things.

He isolated.

And made sure nobody knew that his marriage was on the rocks. He hid out, fearing judgement from friends and family. In particular, he feared his father’s response.

Ultimately, he wanted to know things would be OK, regardless of what happened in his marriage.

Do you want to know you’re gonna be ok if your marriage tanks?

Well, here’s the key to knowing you’ll be alright. And it’s counterintuitive.

As Pippin said in The Two Towers, the second Lord Of The Rings film,

“The closer we are to danger, the farther we are from harm.”

Say what, Stuart?

Let me break this down for you. It means that when you look under the lid of your fears, that’s when you’re more likely to get your ass in gear to do something about it.

Why is that? It’s because we become serious about taking action when we are no longer in the abstraction of fear. No longer willing to terrorize our self and do nothing about it.

As you may have heard before, fearlessness is not the absence of fear but presence with it. And when we are present with fear, we are in a greater position to act on it.

This sounds great on paper. But how the hell do you act on fear?

First, you don’t isolate.

Second, you find other men to hold you accountable to call out your fears, to act on them.

And third, you find support and challenge yourself to step into action instead of swirling doing nothing.

Initially, Robert swirled. He mistook information for action. And that’s easy to do in the information age.

He went deep into personal growth books and internet research to get him out of his problem. But that got him only so far.

When it comes to your fears, will you step into action or just swirl?

If you said action, check out this one big thing I taught Robert to be fearless in the face of the possibility of divorce.

In the video below, I talk more about that one big thing and how it freed Robert to act on his marriage like never before.

In a nutshell, that one thing, that game-changer that I taught Robert, is what I call outcome independence.

The key is to think independently of feared outcomes.

To not live in fear of your wife freaking out on you. Not fear your kids hating you. To not fear your finances blowing up. And not live in fear of divorce.

In other words, to know that you’ll be ok whatever happens in your marriage.

Would you like to achieve outcome independence?

Maybe you’re saying, “Yeah, right, Stuart. It sounds like a pipe dream. You don’t know what I’m going through, man.”

You’re right in that I’m not you. But I was there in a 20+ year marriage.

I was stuck in terror between the truth that my marriage wasn’t working AND I still loved my wife and family and wanted to stay married.

In that moment, like Robert, I dug deep into achieving an outcome-independent mindset.

It gave Robert the freedom to go after what he wanted in his marriage like never before.

The crazy thing is, as you do this, you’re modeling behavior that helps your wife do the same. And it’s liberating.

Do you want to be free of your fear of divorce?

If so, let’s explore what’s possible for you. Connect with a bunch of powerful guys talking about this stuff fearlessly in my next Men’s Relationship Tools call this Tuesday at 12pm ET.

And for daily relationship tips and action items, join my private men’s only Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship.

The post Whether You Divorce or Not, Here’s How To Be Ok appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Can I continue to live like this?
How can things change?
What can I do about it?

And in this place, your options can feel limited. You can easily feel trapped and resigned.

Are you living out a life sentence in your marriage?

If you’ve ever felt this way, it’s easy to feel resignation. Resigned to fulfill your vow of ‘til death do us part.’

And yet instead of moving into action to make change, it’s common to just do nothing. But slogging through your days unhappy does not serve you, your family, or your wife.

I was married for 25 years and there were many days where I could say yes, this feels like a life sentence.

She won’t change. I can’t do this anymore. And I want out.

I didn’t feel like I had options. I got stuck in that place that I see many men stuck in.

That place of trying to do something but really doing nothing. That place of freeze.

While we often hear about fight or flight, we don’t hear much about freeze. Think of a deer in headlights.

Freeze can be a form of what many of us men were trained in. “Suck it up and deal. Make the best of it.”

When so much is on the line – family, finances, kids, it’s easy to punt on your own happiness as a man.

Do you sacrifice your own well-being to stay in your current marriage?

The problem with freeze, like fight or flight, is you’re in your limbic system.

This is the place where you can’t think clearly, you’re dominated by primal emotions, and you struggle to see all the options available to you.

And so instead it’s easy to go into black and white thinking. A place of duality. Only two options – save or leave your marriage.

But there are many options between save and leave your marriage where you can create change in your relationship and most importantly, be ok with whatever happens.

What are the options between save or leave?

I’m going to tell you 3 straight up below.

But if you want a better understanding of how to implement those options, to build freedom and courage in your marriage, I invite you to check out the video below.

Option number one seems obvious but it’s not obvious how to do it right.

Work on the marriage. But not in that classic lots of talk, do-nothing way common in a lot of couples therapy.

Instead, I’m talking about action, outcomes, and accountability between you and your partner, to get real results.

Are you interested in real outcomes when it comes to your marriage?

If so, I talk more about that in detail in the video above. Check it out.

Now option number two is one that scares the hell out of most men. They confuse it with divorce. But until you get educated about it, it’s easy to confuse it.

And this option is a trial separation. But to be clear, it can be done in the spirit of saving your marriage, if that’s what you’re seeking.

It sounds like this “Honey, I want a trial separation to see if we can save our marriage.”

A trial separation can be a huge help to a man seeking clarity on how committed he is to improve his relationship. Without commitment, you’re just throwing stuff at the wall to see if it sticks.

When it comes to a trial separation, you have to do it right to make it work. I offer many tools to help.

This includes answering tough questions such as…

Are we both committed to working on ourselves during this time?
What will our interaction be like during this time?
How will we still come together for our kids?

Does a trial separation appeal to you?

If so, let’s talk further.

And option number three is to take action and leadership with her. And by that, I mean create a safe container to speak the unspoken, as a way to get the ball rolling on creating a new marriage. Here’s a simple format to make that happen.

Now, what’s the chance that you do any of these 3 things on your own to successfully transform your marriage?

Be real. 10%? 50%?

And this is where every man needs help, as did I seven years ago. But often, we as men are taught that needing help means we are weak.

Ironically, that belief only makes us weaker.

A man’s power lies in his ability to cultivate a wise and effective team for himself.

A coach or guide who offers him accountability, challenge, and support to transform himself and his marriage.

Are you worthy of transforming your marriage?

What if you knew that you’ll be ok, whatever happens with her?

If that’s what you want, that is precisely what I teach men.

Don’t believe me. Hear from my client who said…

“In working with Stuart, I learned that I’ll be ok alone if things don’t work out with my wife. And ironically, that’s given me a new confidence & freedom to create the marriage I want with her.”

If you want this super-power too, let’s explore what’s possible for you. Connect with a bunch of powerful guys talking about this stuff fearlessly in my next Men’s Relationship Tools call this Tuesday at 12pm ET.

And for daily relationship tips and action items, join my private men’s only Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship.

The post Are You Living Out A Life Sentence In Your Marriage? appeared first on Stuart Motola.