The truth is in your cock. It’s in your balls. The evidence is in your body.

You want to have more sex than your wife.

Maybe she’s distant. She’s cold. She’s timid, closed off, or uninterested in sex.

It feels like a slap in the face. A closed door to a critical part of you. You’re a man, for crying out loud. You have needs.

You feel most loved, admired, and respected when your partner is open to you sexually.

When that door shuts, it’s as if you’re left stranded on a desert island without food or water. You feel starved.

At worst, it can cause you to feel desperate, in pain, and even lose hope in your relationship.

True or false? You feel most connected emotionally with your partner when you feel connected sexually.

And yet you can be shamed for this. You hear things from her (or as a client recently told me, from his female therapist) like…

“All you care about is sex.”

“You’re a cliché man.”

“I’m not your sexual object.”

Do you want more sex than your wife?

In today’s culture, it’s easy for you to feel shamed for your desires.

Hell, you might even be saying to yourself, I’m a good guy. It’s not like I’m hiring a prostitute or having an affair. It’s my wife, for cryin’ out loud.

(And no shame on those guys who are having affairs or hiring prostitutes. I’m not in the moral judgment business but in the business of understanding unmet human needs and how to bring them back into integrity.)

It can feel like a life sentence when you want more sex than your wife.

I know. I lived it for many years in my marriage.

Sometimes I thought it was god’s cruel joke that she needed to connect emotionally before becoming sexual, all the while it was the opposite for me.

Do you struggle with the emotional-sexual divide in your marriage?

It can feel like a bit of a cluster fuck. You want to figure it out.

And in the process of trying to do so, you feel damned if you act on it and damned if you don’t.

Of course, the internet has all kinds of tips – talk to her about it, get it out in the open, make her feel loved, and on and on.

And yet in trying to implement, it’s easy to face plant and get even more frustrated.

How have you attempted to solve your sexual challenges?

Most guys try one of the four below.

A. Attempt to do everything to make her happy and score points so she’ll open up to you sexually.
(That was my strategy)

B. Ignore it and make the best of it.

C. Use porn and live in fantasies.

D. Get attention at a massage parlor or strip club.

How do you deal with wanting more sex than your wife?

Well, I’ll let you in on a little secret. The lack of sexual fulfillment is on the top level, a symptom.

Underneath are a bunch of other problems.

And to be candid, these may very well be problems in your marriage that you may not want to deal with.

Frankly, it might feel like too much work. And if that’s so, that’s great information.

It helps you get clear on where you want to put your energy, and what your higher priorities are.

You get to decide how you want to do you.

But if you effectively deal with those deeper problems, you’re in a much greater position to create the sexually fulfilling marriage that you seek.

Do you like your sex life as it is or do you want to create something better?

Check out the video below to work on the deeper problems stopping you from creating the sexually fulfilling marriage you seek.

Sex is primal. And at the same time, after years of marriage, we can lose access to that primal energy.

Sex can become mundane.

When there’s no aliveness in you and your life, it makes perfect sense that you’ll experience deadness in the bedroom.

Without curiosity and variety, things flatline in relationship.

An unfulfilled sexual life is just a symptom of where you’ve flatlined with your partner.

Are you ready to bring more aliveness to your marriage and bedroom?

If so, let’s have a quick chat. A guaranteed, powerful conversation to give you meaningful insights on how to create the marriage you want.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest, real conversation between two guys. No sales pitch.

I’d be honored to hear from you. Move into action and shoot me a quick email.

Lastly for the men who aren’t ready to talk 1:1 and still want to transform their marriage or just know who the hell I am to consider coaching, check out the Men’s Relationship Tools.

The post I Want More Sex Than My Wife appeared first on Stuart Motola.

You met your wife x number of years ago. At first, it was great. Sweet connection. Wonderful sex. The urge to merge. You got engaged and then married.

And then you had a family and things changed over time. You were no longer each other’s priority. Kids came. Life took over. You’re not sure when or how it all happened exactly.

But in the aftermath, passion, desire, freedom were lost. The thrill was gone.

What happened to the passion and desire in your marriage?

For many guys, this is a common story. Responsibility and holding down the fort superseded everything else.

In hindsight, some guys say marriage feels like a con job. Or at the very least, a false promise that didn’t deliver.

In fact, it delivered the opposite – unhappiness. And an inability to get back to that loving feeling.

What happened to your relationship with your wife?

Somehow, somewhere along the path, just to survive, it’s likely that like a lot of couples, you both started going it alone.

She took care of the stuff she needed to. You had your domain. And you were like two ships passing in the night.

One day, you wake up. And you asked yourself, who is this person I’m married to?

You went from deep intimacy to significant alienation.

Remember when you felt like you could take on the world together?

In that togetherness, was a sense of passion, excitement, and freedom.

If we knew way back when that marriage would be so tough, would we still have done it?

I imagine, yes, we would. I would have. Back then, I was young and idealistic. I felt like I could take on the world.

What would it be like if you and your wife felt like you could take on the world again?

Marriage, as you may know, is often the antithesis of what we originally got from our relationship.

Marriage is about safety and security. It’s about knowing you’ll be there for her forever. And she’ll be there for you forever.

Often, in marriage, we trade passion and freedom for safety and security. And often, in doing so, we build a trap for ourselves.

And then the woman you dreamed about, the woman you married, faded into a distant past.

For a lot of guys, that’s ok. They just want peace. Things to be fluid. Not so much conflict.

And for other guys, they trade peace for passion through affairs, the strip club, porn, whatever can give them that loving feeling again.

Do you feel dead in your marriage?

Is passion even on your radar with your wife?

Maybe you go to a strip club, use a lot of porn, or are having an affair. Some of the men I coach have this going on. And I have no judgment of their behavior.

I get it. It’s just an attempt to meet unmet needs. Needs that they’re resigned to not getting met in their marriage.

And while men can get vilified for these behaviors, ultimately they’re good guys. Many carry the weight of betrayal.

They know that they are not making good decisions long term. In the end, he wants to keep his family together and also wants to get his needs met.

What if you could get your needs met with your wife as if she were your mistress?

Yeah right, man. Not possible, you might say.

Consider this next sentence. “The amount of passion in a relationship is commensurate with the amount of uncertainty you can tolerate.” Coach and author Tony Robbins said this.

This means taking on uncertainty in your relationship that you’d otherwise avoid. Asking hard questions. Having vulnerable conversations.

Are you up for that?

Are you willing to have hard conversations with your wife to ignite what was lost?

If so, know you can’t do it alone. Check out the video below to help you ask yourself a key question to get started.

Below, I speak further to that question.

It’s a question that relates to something I talk about often. And that is the unlived life of the couple.

When a man and woman become invisible to each other, when they decide at a certain point, it’s easier to just go it alone.

And in the pursuit of safety and security, a man and a woman go about it alone. They live their lives separately, still married. But not as a team unit.

The question I like to ask is simply this.

Where is the “us” in our relationship? Is there any sense of a unified team?

If not, marriage is very lonely. Your needs, which often we guys don’t even acknowledge exist, get unmet.

And in the vacuum of unmet needs build resentments.

“She’s this. She’s that. She never….” Fill in the blanks for your situation.

When you dig a little deeper, beyond your resentments, you will see unmet needs.

What are your unmet needs with your wife?

And how do you kill the passion in your marriage by not addressing those needs, not taking risks or uncertainty?

Do you choose safety over being authentic?

Take on the risks and you stand a much better chance of rebuilding your sense of a unified team in your marriage.

I remember when my wife and I felt unified, we felt like we could take on the world. We felt energized. We felt excited about us.

Do you feel an excited sense of “us” in your marriage?

If not, I won’t b.s. you. It’s work. But it’s not rocket science.

And when you’re willing to put in the work, just like going to the gym, you can build the muscles to create a kick-ass relationship.

What would it look like for you to create a kick-ass marriage that had passion and freedom?

To discover, check out the resources in the video above or take the first step and let’s have a quick chat.

A guaranteed, powerful conversation to help you get the upper hand on your marriage. I’d be honored to hear from you.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest, real conversation between two guys. No sales pitch. To get started, shoot me a quick email.

And for the many women reading these emails (yes, 50% of you), check out this special link just for you women.

And for the men who aren’t ready to talk 1:1 but still want to transform their marriage, check out the Men’s Relationship Tools weekly zoom calls, formerly known as The Men’s Relationship School.

The new name better reflects what I’m up to, which is a place for men to get concrete tools to create the marriage they seek.

Reply “MRT Yes” to join your first call for free.

The post Reignite Passion & Freedom In Your Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

“She hasn’t touched me in weeks. She never initiates sex.”

“It’s like she doesn’t want me anymore. I feel hopeless.”

“I want it and I want it now. I’m sick of this shit.”

Are you frustrated with your sex life?

I have a lot of empathy for men experiencing sexual challenges.

After weeks, months, or even years without touch, intimacy, or sex, it’s easy for a guy to feel helpless, needy, or even desperate.

Let’s face it, we are mammals. We need closeness. We need touch.

“Yeah, right,” I can hear one of those men saying, “tell that to my wife.”

What should you do to experience more intimacy with your wife?

First, consider what most guys do. It’s something that diminishes intimacy. It is the big C word that separates our heart from our penis.

Compartmentalizing.

In one moment, we cut her down with a sarcastic comment about her weight or physical appearance. And then hours later, we expect her to be intimate with us.

Or we walk on eggshells, trying to score points with her in hopes of getting intimacy. But she sees through that inauthentic behavior.

“How can I get her to open up?” one of the men asks me.

“What can I do differently?” says another.

“How do I get more sex?”

Each man treats his wife like a problem to be fixed. He goes transactional.

He thinks something like… If I help her with the house, maybe she’ll give me more sex. If I do A, then maybe I’ll get B.

We stay focused on the sex and lose focus on her, the person. We separate kindness, trust, and respect from the physical act of sex.

If she feels insulted, unloved, unseen and uncherished, she won’t want to have sex with you.

How can you cherish her when she feels uncherishable?

Stop compartmentalizing and instead, start connecting.

See her, the whole person. Listen to her, feel her, understand her. And do it without any expectation of reciprocation for sex.

Forget about your sex problem. What you’re experiencing is an intimacy problem.

Focus on experiencing more closeness with her – more meaningful conversations, heart to hearts, touch, kiss her before you leave for work, hug her when you come home.

“But that’s too much work. I just want sex,” a guy says.

Man, I hear you. I get it. I had that mindset for years in a sexless marriage. It’s compartmentalizing.

I wrote about it in my Amazon best-selling book “Fixing You Is Killing Me.”

At the time, I missed what most men miss.

She’s a woman. She’s much less likely to compartmentalize the way you do. She does not see sex as a mere transaction.

To feel sexual, she has to be loved, seen, heard, felt. Or else she does not open sexually.

Do you create intentional time to connect emotionally with your wife?

Do you treat her like a whole person?

Are you open to her needs?

If you answered “no” to any of these questions, watch the video below to learn how to connect with your wife to enhance your sex life.

As I say in the video, sex in a marriage is a long game. It requires the willingness to do some work.

The state of your sex life is a reflection of how close your wife feels to you.

Separating the physical from the emotional is easy for us guys.

To align the two is new terrain. Something required of us men only in the last 30 or so years.

Something we must work on, if we are to experience a sexually fulfilling relationship.

Remember, you are not at the mercy of your wife when it comes to sex. You are at the mercy of yourself.

The authenticity of your intentions. The courage of your efforts. The willingness to show up emotionally.

Are you ready to transform your sex life with your wife?

If so, let’s have a quick chat. Men or women who want to learn more about men (that’s right, I am coaching women now as well).

A quick chat is a guaranteed, powerful conversation to give you meaningful insights on how to create the marriage you want.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest conversation, keeping it real.

I’d be honored to hear from you. Move into action and shoot me a quick email.

And for the men who aren’t ready for a 1:1 chat and still want to transform their marriage, check out the Men’s Relationship School.

The post Have More Sex With Your Wife appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Is sex missing in your relationship?

You may have reached a point where you’ve thrown in the towel on your sex life. It may not even be something you think much about anymore with your partner.

Well, ok, you think about it. Of course you do, you’re a dude. But you’ve resigned yourself to how things are – sex-minimal or sexless.

And yet is resignation to a sexless relationship just a short-term tactic to avoid conflict?

“Every time I bring it up,” my client Richard says. “She gets upset and thinks I just want to get off on her. No, baby! I say. It’s you I want! Not just your…”

Maybe you’re like Richard and have decided it’s easier to just not rock the boat. But at what cost?

How’s your sex life with your partner?

Well, whether or not you’re wanting a better sex life, there’s a way in which many men are, and you may be also, inadvertently sabotaging their sex life.

And while a lot of guys blame their partners for their sexless relationship, unconsciously they exacerbate the problem.

Are you unknowingly sabotaging her sexual attraction to you?

To know, you have to look at one key thing. It’s something most guys don’t want to look at. They just want their partner to “give it” to them.

But this avoidance makes things even worse. It impacts that thing that she needs from you. And that’s, simply put, safety.

If she doesn’t feel safe with you – emotionally, psychologically, mentally – she won’t be open to you physically. So ask yourself…

Do your actions – the way you talk to her, the way you act towards her – diminish or build her sense of safety with you?

While she may be a modern feminist who denies that she needs a man to keep her safe, ultimately it’s one of the biggest things she craves from you. But she won’t admit it out loud. She expects you to know this within.

And one of the greatest ways I see “evolved” modern men screw this up is by doing this one secret thing. That is…asking her to validate his feelings.

Do you expect your partner to validate your feelings?

Whereas the more traditional macho guy tends to shut down his feelings, the less traditional guy tries to share his feelings.

The second guy was taught that women want more emotional vulnerability from their men. And it’s true.

But the problem is he’s emotionally vulnerable in a way that makes her feel very unsafe and kills off her sexual attraction to him. It also erodes trust, security, and polarity.

And when that happens, many men emotionally shut down altogether. And that leaves her feeling even less safe.

So how can you help her feel safe and ignite her sexual attraction to you?

First, stop asking her to validate your feelings. Second, stop withdrawing when it doesn’t work. And third, do this.

Check out the video below to discover THE ONE WAY you can build safety and sexual attraction with your partner.

It’s a great thing that, more than ever, we as men are learning to connect to our emotional selves.

It makes us complete human beings. It gives us important data about what’s going on inside of ourselves. It helps us live more fulfilling lives.

And when we share that emotional knowledge with our partners in a way that’s self-responsible and empowered, it makes us sexier than ever to her.

Do you want to increase sex, trust, and connection in your relationship?

If so, let’s explore what’s possible for you. Shoot me a quick email.

And if you’re not ready to talk 1:1, check out the NEW Men’s Relationship School (formerly Men’s Relationship Tools) for free during the month of September, for more…

… action tips to STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS WITH YOUR WIFE to go after what you ultimately want with her.

… hands-on practice on how to get her off of your back without FEAR OF BEING THE ASSHOLE who blows things up.

… support to get past the fear of SCREWING THINGS UP WITH HER and start making things right.

.. and knowledge on WHEN TO CALL IT QUITS.

Can’t make the call? Join my private men’s only Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship for daily relationship tips and action items.

The post The Secret Thing You Do That Kills Her Sexual Attraction To You appeared first on Stuart Motola.

And in our busyness, be it work, marriage or raising kids, we often focus on what’s immediately in front of us, instead of what’s really important to us.

As a result, we often lose our partner like a passing ship in the night. We don’t know when it happened but it happened.

We struggle to connect emotionally. And we find that we’re asking ourselves…

Who is this person I’m married to?

In the day to day of life, she’s stressed, doesn’t have enough time for everything. Or we’re feeling that.

And in the cross traffic of our busyness, we continue to lose each other, take each other for granted, and even worse, blame each other for our distance.

Do you feel lonely in your relationship?

Maybe you’ve had enough of it. Maybe you’ve tried a bunch of ways to reverse the tide.

Maybe nothing seems to work. Or maybe you don’t even know what you lost.

From coaching men over the years, I can tell you, chances are you lost connection. You lost the sense of sharing a life together.

You’ve fallen into the loneliness of what I call the ‘unlived life of the couple.’

Unlived. Jeez, sounds grim.

Yet there’s hope. When you make a simple effort, you can become two ships meeting in the night.

And in time, you may even experience this awesome thing. The more connected you and your wife are, the more powerful you both are, together.

With connection, you have a super power, a jet propulsion. When there is connection, you feel like you can take on just about anything together – kids, work, stress.

Still, you may be saying to yourself, I have no f*#king idea how to make that happen with her.

But while we often think it’s about time, it’s ultimately about motivation. And when you realize your marriage impacts not just you and your wife, but your family and your kids, the stakes change.

When you’re energized and connected as a couple, that fruit bares great gifts not just for you and your partner, but for your kids as well. In fact, your connection as a couple is the bed rock of your family.

If you’re weak as a couple, the chances of your family falling apart are much greater.

Do you ever worry about your family falling apart?

As we often think of our kids and our partner as competing interests, what I’m about to tell you will seem counterintuitive.

The best way to invest in the well-being of your kids and the strength of your family is to invest in your wife.

Carl Jung once said,  “Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on the children than the unlived life of the parent.”

Do you have an unlived life with your wife?

Let me be clear. The unlived life of the parent is also the unlived life of the couple. The couple that misses one another. The couple that feels lonely.

Judging on today’s divorce rates, I can confidently say, we are living in a nation of couples with unlived lives. And that looks like two frantic individuals going it alone, trying to cobble together a family.

Have you given up on creating meaningful connection with your wife?

Consider what it would take to create that connection. You can do it in the briefest of moments. It’s the little things that add up.

Put an end to being two ships missing each other in the night.

Are you unknowingly sabotaging your relationship?

Discover if that’s true for you in the video below.

When you connect emotionally with your wife:

• You reduce distrust and anxiety.
• You create a stronger foundation for your kids.
• And you no longer have an unlived life as a couple.

Do you want to transform your family and your marriage?

Join a group of men doing just that on my next free & confidential Men’s Relationship Tools zoom call on Tuesdays at 9am MST.

And for daily relationship advice and conversation with men only in a private Facebook Group, check out Men Mastering Relationship.

The post I Struggle To Connect Emotionally With My Wife appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Fear of not being enough for her.
Fear of letting her down.
Fear of not making her happy.

I’ve seen all kinds of fears from guys during years of coaching men in their relationships.

And the biggest thing I teach guys is this…

It’s not her that you need to focus on, to get past your fears, but you.

Your sense of you. Who you are. And how fear has infiltrated your identity as a man with your partner.

Do you ever say to yourself, I can’t do anything right with her?

If you said yes, then you’ve bought into her story of who you are.

And that’s a man who can’t do anything right with her.

And this dynamic of giving up your identity, your sense of who you for her, weakens you as a man.

It makes you less desirable, less attractive, and less powerful to create the relationship you ultimately want.

For years, I’ve seen men buy into the belief that they can make their partner happy by betraying themselves. And through this belief, they end up in a lot of misery.

They end up fragmented and split apart inside by two polarizing forces.

One force that says, I need to be someone else for her. And another that knows being someone else other than who you are, for anyone, is a booby trap.

And when a man is in the first force, he says things like…

“Tell me what you want. I’ll do anything to make you happy.”

Have you ever said that to your partner?

If so, I invite you to take a moment and self-reflect.

What was running you in that moment?

Fear.

How does a man get past his fears of not being enough for his partner?
How does he not let fear run him?
How does he not give up who he is for her?

Check out this short video to discover how to be fearless in your relationship.

Ultimately, fear in your relationship is an opportunity.

It’s a way of getting strong. It’s a way of finding out who you are as a man and what you really stand for.

To face that fear, you need courage.

Courage defined not as the absence of fear but acting in the face of it.

Join a group of men doing just that this Tuesday at 9am MT.

The post How to Be Fearless With Her appeared first on Stuart Motola.