They say, “I love my wife. She’s great but I don’t know if I can stay married to her.”

And then they explain further…

“We haven’t had sex in months.

“She’s not even interested.

“She’s frigid.”

Do you struggle with sex in your relationship?

Sex is a big deal for us dudes.

It’s often been said that we men need to have sex to feel emotionally connected.

And on the flip side, she needs to be emotionally connected to have sex.

It can feel like such a disconnect. God’s cruel joke.

What comes first – sex or emotional connection?

Many guys don’t even know that his wife needs to be emotionally connected to have sex.

They think she just needs to open her legs and accept him.

They say, “I do everything to fulfill what she needs of me. She doesn’t reciprocate.”

I understand this well because I was in a 20-year marriage where sex was often lacking.

I tried to behave myself. You know, score points. Try to be loving. And then maybe she’d be open up to sex.

But most of the time, she’d reject me. It was as if she saw this sudden wave of exemplary behavior and didn’t quite trust it. And with good reason.

Do you try to score points with your wife to get sex?

Eventually, I’d wonder, What’s the point?

Why even bother to try to build an emotional connection if I can’t get laid once in a while by my own damn wife?

So I’d feel the sting of rejection. To cope, I’d suck it up and try to stay the course for my son and the family.

But do we really have to castrate ourselves to stay married?

There’s got to be a better way. But yet it’s so easy just to throw in the towel, give up, look at other women, or accept the status quo.

There’s a name for that course of action. It’s called “playing small.”

It feels like crap because it is small – small-minded, small-hearted, and small sexually.

What if you had a better way to revive your sexless marriage?

Before we get there, let’s acknowledge something big.

In a long-term relationship or marriage, we have this other dynamic going on. I’ll speak to it in a second.

Often, we don’t know about this dynamic, because the only reference we have for abundant sex is in the good old days, during the honeymoon chemical-flooding phase of doing it in the bathroom, the car, the kitchen, a park bench, anywhere we could get our sex organs out.

What we had then that was lost many years into marriage was simply this… Eros.

Eros is mystery, the unknown, erotic curiosity, arousal, and passion.

It’s something that gets squashed in the day-to-day functioning of married life – getting the kids to school, going to work, bills paid, etc., etc.

We lost our eros and passion because at some point, whether we knew it or not, we prioritized security, stability, and commitment over risk, vulnerability, and deep connection.

Does fear of risk hold you back from creating a fulfilling sex life?

In this video below, I talk about 3 steps to creating a sexually fulfilling marriage, and 3 mental errors we guys make in the process.

Do you want to up level your sex life?

There’s an old joke. To kill off your sex life, get married.

But let’s face it, you didn’t get married to kill off your sex life.

You got married to build a home – psychological, emotional, physical, sexual in one another, and a literal home for your kids.

Fixing a sexless marriage takes some work. And yes, there could be some struggle in achieving it.

Hard conversations, not taking everything personally, and a willingness to get curious about your partner’s blocks.

Are you willing to be in the struggle of rebuilding your sex life?

At the end of the day, you get to decide what you want to struggle for, and what problems you choose.

When asked if they’re willing to put in the work to rebuild their sex life, most guys say, “Well it depends.”

I hate to break it to you. But nothing groundbreaking happens in the land of “it depends.”

If that’s you, it’s a sign that you’re not super serious about turning around your sex life.

For those guys who are serious, ready to be in the struggle, and ready to do something life-changing, let’s have a quick chat.

You are the kind of man I work with. You are the man I help up level his sex life.

A quick chat is a guaranteed, powerful conversation to give you meaningful insights on how to really understand what’s keeping you stuck from having a great sex life.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest conversation between two guys keeping it real to explore how you can move ahead in your relationship.

I’d be honored to hear from you. Move into action and shoot me a quick email.

And if you’re more of a group guy, consider checking out the Men’s Relationship Tools where I am helping men step into action to enhance sex, passion, trust, and confidence in their relationship.

The post 3 Steps To Fix Your Sexless Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

In 15 years of coaching men in relationship, I’ve seen how it’s key to a man to take charge of his marriage.

It cuts to the heart of answering the question.

How do I fix my marriage?

To do so, you must see your blind spot.

Without doing so, you fall into the rabbit hole of judgment, shame, and staying stuck.

If you ever have any of these thoughts, you’re in that rabbit hole.

She’s crazy.

She blames me for everything.

I can’t be enough for her.

Paradoxically, the rabbit hole can be comfortable – a hiding spot – that is until you’re sick and tired of being stuck.

What rabbit hole do you fall into in your marriage?

Some guys cope while doing nothing and say, “My marriage sucks and it’s not fixable.”

Other guys say, “I don’t know if it’s fixable or not, but regardless I’m committed to becoming a better me in relationship.”

Which man are you?

Implied in the development of a “better me” is the quest for more aliveness, confidence, and self-worth, in service to your marriage, family and kids.

This is the guy who knows the work of fixing his marriage begins with himself.

He’s done slogging through his days in a compromised marriage, dishing out or taking on blame and judgment.

He’s done staying stuck in the same old conflict patterns.

Doing so, he knows he merely placates the fears he’s avoiding. The fear of divorce, financial ruin, or losing his kids.

He wants to be bigger than his fears. Bigger than his blind spots.

What’s your blind spot in your marriage?

Your willingness to consider this question is a powerful step. It offers you great opportunity. And often also, a bitter pill to swallow.

That bitter pill is this. Like it or not, you’re responsible for co-creating the situation you’re in, regardless of how much you want to blame your partner.

And every day, consciously or not, you choose to stay stuck or unstuck in your marriage.

And let’s get clear, brother, this is not about self-blame or shame.

In fact, it’s the opposite. It’s about self-ownership into self-empowerment.

Your challenged marriage asks you to step into a bigger version of yourself, to get to a place of power and choice in your relationship.

Do you want to be empowered to create the marriage you want?

In the video below, discover one powerful tool to liberate you into a whole new up-leveling of your relationship.

A massive expansion occurs for a man in a moment.

The moment when he steps fully into self-responsibility for the life he’s created, for the energy he brings to his days, and for the marriage that he creates.

Are you ready to up-level who you are in relationship?

If so, shoot me a quick email to jump on a 15 minute call and see how 1:1 coaching may benefit you.

Or join me on the Men’s Relationship Tools weekly call on Tuesdays at 12pm ET, a couching roundtable for any man to get relationship support for only $47/month. Check it out anytime. First call is free.

The post Do This One Thing To Fix Your Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

He wants guidance. He wants reassurance.

He’s a man who thrives with a plan.

How do you know if your marriage can be fixed?

Of course, no one has a crystal ball looking into the future. Still, having coached men in relationship for the last 15 years, there are clear signs of if your marriage can be fixed or not.

Before answering Dave, I invite him to go a bit deeper.

“You’re wanting to fix your marriage,” I say. “Of course. That’s why you’re asking this question.”

He nods his head.

“So, take a pause and notice where that desire comes from.”

“What do you mean?” he says.

“Does it come from your love for your wife? Love for what you’ve shared over the past 15 years? Or from your fear of divorce? Or fear of losing your kids?”

“Probably all of it,” he says.

“Great honesty. Now notice the impact of it coming from love vs fear.”

He pauses. “When I come from love, I feel more courageous, more expansive.”

“Yes. And let’s be clear. Fear can be helpful as well,” I say. “Your fears are merely inner voices trying to keep you safe from losing love.”

Can fear help you fix your marriage?

Depending on your relationship with fear, it’ll either energize you or drain you.

I coach Dave on how to be in right relationship with fear, how to transform fear from a master to an advisor.

And that’s helpful for him.

But when it comes to knowing if his marriage can be fixed, there’s a bigger piece here. Something that I can’t help him with as directly.

“So Dave, there’s another thing to consider regarding your question about if your marriage can be fixed.”

He looks at me with curiosity.

“Like a lot of men who I work with, I sense that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to fix your marriage.”

What will it take to fix your marriage?

“Yes,” Dave says.

“You’re thinking, if I work on myself intensely, become a better man for her, then I’ll be able to fix things. Does that resonate?”

Dave nods and breathes deeply.

“Great. But that’s just part of the equation. And it relates to a sign that your marriage may be difficult to fix.”

Do you know the one big sign that your marriage can’t be fixed?

“You’ve said that your wife is unwilling to work on herself.”

I explain to him. She has to own her part. Look at her behaviors. Take responsibility for her side of things. Be willing to work on herself.

And that could even be as simple as working on opening up to receiving the better man you’re trying to become.

At the end of the day, if she’s completely closed off to you, your marriage cannot be fixed.

She’s got to be open to the fruits of your labors. To let go of the past challenges. Or at least be willing to repair them.

Is your wife willing to work on herself regarding your marriage?

Check out the video below to discover what to do if she’s not willing to do the work.

Dave admitted that his wife wouldn’t do any work on herself. Still he decided to hire me as his coach. Why bother?

Because he saw great value in becoming a better version of himself, for him, and not just for her. He was doing it for future relationships, if it came to that.

He didn’t want to end up in the same spot again. And he also wanted to know that he was giving his marriage his best shot.

Dave crushed it.

In several months, he got better at navigating the hardships, better at not getting activated, and not becoming dominated by his emotions.

In time, he became an assured, calm, and confident man in his marriage.

And what do you know, his wife saw his efforts and eventually opened up to do work on herself.

Do you want to become a better man in your relationship?

If so, shoot me a quick email.

For men and women going through big transitions in life and relationship, check out my in-person Metamorphosis Retreat in Asheville, North Carolina November 3-5 with my colleague Sarah Haggerty.

Or join me at one of these two online trainings.

Men’s Relationship Tools weekly call on Tuesdays at 12pm ET, a couching roundtable for any man to get relationship support, for only $47/month.

A Confident Man’s Path To Relationship for 6 weeks on Tuesdays 7:30-9pm ET at $395, limited to 8 men, with the focus on prospering through the holidays.

The post One Sign Your Marriage Can’t Be Fixed appeared first on Stuart Motola.

In fact, it’s something you should’ve known way before you even got married.

It’s precisely because you don’t know this one thing that you may be in a marriage that drains you more than fulfills you.

And it can put you in a position where you feel like you’ve lost yourself with your wife and wonder…

Who I am with her? Do I want to continue as things are?

You might even feel like you can do nothing right for her. Or you have to walk on eggshells around her.

I remember years ago when I was in this position, thinking, what I wouldn’t give to get clarity on the future of my marriage. If I only knew then what I know now.

Regardless, what I learned is this one thing. A thing that is critical to know if you want to stay in your marriage or not.

Do you want to know the future of your relationship?

If clarity has been elusive, chances are you were overlooking this one thing.

And here’s a chance to finally figure it out.

But I’m not gonna BS you, it takes a little bit of work.

Are you willing to do some work to get clear on your marriage’s prospects?

Every day you feel this one thing with your partner – in your ability to speak openly and to feel trusted and safe.

But in its absence, you often feel attacked, not enough, or unable to make her happy.

So, here it is. And I’m going to follow it up with a critical question.
In a nutshell, it’s… how you’ve entangled your nervous system with that of your partner.

You see, your nervous system is constantly giving you signals about the current state of your marriage – if you’re ok, if you’re not, if you’re vulnerable to attack or safe to engage.

There’s a ton of information readily available within you. And you likely have a sense of it but it’s very rare that an individual knows the meaning of it or what it’s clearly telling them.

To get to that clarity, consider this one related question that gets straight to the core of what you’re feeling and what’s going on inside of you.

When I think of the future, 5, 10 years down the road, do I want to continue to be entangled in the nervous system of my partner or not?

To answer, it helps to pause and slow things down. Take a few breaths and get out of your head. Below the neck, I like to say. Feel the answer in your body.

That’s the no-bullshit zone where you’re not trying to argue your way out of information that scares you.

Give it a try right now. Close your eyes for five seconds. Ask yourself the question. See what your body says.

Can you try this for a moment?

For a lot of guys, it’s a hell no, I don’t want to stay entangled in her nervous system. She’s nervous, she’s anxious, she’s hysterical.

For many women, it’s he’s checked out, he’s withdrawn, I don’t know where the man is, I can’t relax or trust him.

But let’s be clear, this might just be where you are at this moment.

What if instead of just wanting to get the hell out of your marriage, you could pause, slow things down, and make peace with all your inner voices?

Because chances are if you’re reading this there’s another part of you that wants to make things work.

There’s a lot to consider. Your kids, mutual assets, the family. Self-judgments of being the jerk who blows up his family. The asshole who betrays his partner.

Let’s get real. It’s not just as simple as, do I want to stay connected to my partner or not?

But with the noise of all your other concerns, you rarely get to the “gut information” about your nervous system and what you’re choosing relationally.

In fact, often we won’t go there because we fear the answer.

And yet getting to that “gut truth” will help you know what you’re in the room with.

Why you struggle so much to move forward.

And how easy it is to stay stuck and frozen without clarity, for months, years, and even decades.

What if it wasn’t just about saving or leaving your relationship but about leaving who you’ve become in your relationship and becoming a better version of yourself to make the best decision possible?

And from there you’d be in a much stronger place to make this huge decision.

To get to the “gut truth” about the future of your relationship and what it’s really telling you, check out the video below.

Do you want to make the right decision about your marriage?

Regardless of whether you save or leave your relationship, you, your kids, and your wife deserve a better version of you. And it’s from there that you’ll make the right decision for you and your family moving forward.

Getting there is not rocket science but it can feel elusive. To get it right. To be present with fear instead of avoiding it. To step out of your comfort zone and into transformation with wise guidance.

If you’re ready to step into action and move past information, shoot me a quick email. Let’s explore what’s possible for you.

Remember, nobody can do the work for you but you can’t do it alone.

And if you’re not ready to consider the investment of 1:1 coaching, check out The Men’s Relationship School.

It’s a school that is built on a decade of the best of my work coaching men in relationship. A group of guys taking action together as a team on their relationships one hour per week.

Check it out now and learn how to…

• GET CLARITY on the save or leave your relationship question.
• GET PAST YOUR FEARS and be the best version of yourself.
• STOP BEING INVISIBLE with your partner and start going after what you want in your relationship.

And if you’re not ready for action and only want information, check out my men’s-only private Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship for inspiring daily relationship tips and action items just for men.

The post Answer This One Question To Know If You Should Save Or Leave Your Relationship appeared first on Stuart Motola.

I dreamed of our future. Wondered what our kids would look like. Thought about the life we’d create together.

I sought a home in my prior wife at the time. A psychological, emotional, and sexual home. A place I could rest and relax and not deal with dating or seeking women anymore.

Think back to when you first got married.

What were your ambitions when you got married?

Chances are you felt comfort in having a loyal and loving partner.

You felt a sense of a richer life with her. A sense of completion in her presence.

Maybe you felt a sense of comfort knowing she’d be there for you. A sense of a safe, stable, loving person to come home to.

Often when we get married, we have great ambitions for a rich life together.

We think about what kind of home we’ll create together one day, what our kids we will look like. So much possibility and excitement.

What was alive for you when you first got married?

Chances are it was many years ago. You were young. So much has changed and happened since then.

Maybe remembering your initial love is a painful reminder of how far you’ve drifted from one another.

In that hangover, it’s easy to beat yourself up about it. To heap self-judgement on what might feel like failure.

For most of us, many years after marriage, we have crashed into reality. Life passed us by. And we lost our partner to the busyness of the day to day of kids, work, and home.

And then what was once an aspiration for a beautiful loving home with her over time became a prison.

Does your marriage ever feel like a prison?

A place where you feel anything but free. You feel like a small version of yourself.

I was there too. My wife and I had lost each other in marriage. She had little or no time for me. I felt invisible. Sex was rare.

The same old patterns occurred, the same old arguments, and over time it seemed like nothing would change and I couldn’t escape.

What’s the point of being married? I thought. There’s no more joy in it, just a lot of misery.

How can you get back to the joy in your marriage?

First, you have to be willing to admit where you’re at. In the face of fear. Or in the face of self-judgement. Even in the face of perceived failure.

If you can’t name it, you can’t tame it. You can’t change it. You stay in prison.

Maybe you’re hiding the failure of your marriage from your parents, your kids, your community.

But what if you could get free again?

In the video below, I offer 3 tips from admission to self-responsibility to the third most crucial phase of action.

And what if your marriage was supposed to happen exactly as it has?

Imagine that you needed to get into this prison, in order to arouse your hunger for freedom.

The fierce thirst for a more open, honest, and loving relationship, like a man clawing his way to water in the desert.

A great thinker once said that a man must experience a period of non-freedom before he can value his freedom.

What if, in some crazy way, this prison you’re living in is a gateway to something bigger and more expansive than you could ever imagine?

Most men come to me, thinking our work is about saving or leaving their marriage. Ultimately, that’s the external manifestation of the work.

What they are really working on is how to awaken their ability to act courageously in the face of fear. To do so, in service to re-negotiating the contract of their marriage – be it to recreate it or end it.

And that is what helps a man get out of the prison of his marriage, to the freedom in relationship that he ultimately craves.

To say I’m responsible for what happens here and I’m responsible to make this situation better for everyone involved, even if it appears in moments that I am hurting the ones I love.

But most men falter here. They get stuck in a spiral of depression and inaction.

It’s only that rare breed of man who creates a paradise from a prison.

Are you ready to get out of the prison of your marriage?

If so, let’s explore what’s possible for you. Shoot me a quick email.

And if you’re uncertain of your next action, ask yourself…

• Are you that guy who struggles to ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT in your relationship?
• Is it a challenge for you to GET THE RESPECT, LOVE, & SEX you seek from your partner?
• Do you want to GET PAST YOUR FEARS of her freak outs and BE BOLD AND CONFIDENT in the heat of conflict?
• Do you seek to be AN EMPOWERED MAN IN A FULFILLING RELATIONSHIP with an empowered woman?

If this is you, stop the struggle and start the successes.

And check out my men’s-only private Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship for inspiring daily relationship tips and action items.

The post 3 Tips For When Your Marriage Feels Like A Prison appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Can I continue to live like this?
How can things change?
What can I do about it?

And in this place, your options can feel limited. You can easily feel trapped and resigned.

Are you living out a life sentence in your marriage?

If you’ve ever felt this way, it’s easy to feel resignation. Resigned to fulfill your vow of ‘til death do us part.’

And yet instead of moving into action to make change, it’s common to just do nothing. But slogging through your days unhappy does not serve you, your family, or your wife.

I was married for 25 years and there were many days where I could say yes, this feels like a life sentence.

She won’t change. I can’t do this anymore. And I want out.

I didn’t feel like I had options. I got stuck in that place that I see many men stuck in.

That place of trying to do something but really doing nothing. That place of freeze.

While we often hear about fight or flight, we don’t hear much about freeze. Think of a deer in headlights.

Freeze can be a form of what many of us men were trained in. “Suck it up and deal. Make the best of it.”

When so much is on the line – family, finances, kids, it’s easy to punt on your own happiness as a man.

Do you sacrifice your own well-being to stay in your current marriage?

The problem with freeze, like fight or flight, is you’re in your limbic system.

This is the place where you can’t think clearly, you’re dominated by primal emotions, and you struggle to see all the options available to you.

And so instead it’s easy to go into black and white thinking. A place of duality. Only two options – save or leave your marriage.

But there are many options between save and leave your marriage where you can create change in your relationship and most importantly, be ok with whatever happens.

What are the options between save or leave?

I’m going to tell you 3 straight up below.

But if you want a better understanding of how to implement those options, to build freedom and courage in your marriage, I invite you to check out the video below.

Option number one seems obvious but it’s not obvious how to do it right.

Work on the marriage. But not in that classic lots of talk, do-nothing way common in a lot of couples therapy.

Instead, I’m talking about action, outcomes, and accountability between you and your partner, to get real results.

Are you interested in real outcomes when it comes to your marriage?

If so, I talk more about that in detail in the video above. Check it out.

Now option number two is one that scares the hell out of most men. They confuse it with divorce. But until you get educated about it, it’s easy to confuse it.

And this option is a trial separation. But to be clear, it can be done in the spirit of saving your marriage, if that’s what you’re seeking.

It sounds like this “Honey, I want a trial separation to see if we can save our marriage.”

A trial separation can be a huge help to a man seeking clarity on how committed he is to improve his relationship. Without commitment, you’re just throwing stuff at the wall to see if it sticks.

When it comes to a trial separation, you have to do it right to make it work. I offer many tools to help.

This includes answering tough questions such as…

Are we both committed to working on ourselves during this time?
What will our interaction be like during this time?
How will we still come together for our kids?

Does a trial separation appeal to you?

If so, let’s talk further.

And option number three is to take action and leadership with her. And by that, I mean create a safe container to speak the unspoken, as a way to get the ball rolling on creating a new marriage. Here’s a simple format to make that happen.

Now, what’s the chance that you do any of these 3 things on your own to successfully transform your marriage?

Be real. 10%? 50%?

And this is where every man needs help, as did I seven years ago. But often, we as men are taught that needing help means we are weak.

Ironically, that belief only makes us weaker.

A man’s power lies in his ability to cultivate a wise and effective team for himself.

A coach or guide who offers him accountability, challenge, and support to transform himself and his marriage.

Are you worthy of transforming your marriage?

What if you knew that you’ll be ok, whatever happens with her?

If that’s what you want, that is precisely what I teach men.

Don’t believe me. Hear from my client who said…

“In working with Stuart, I learned that I’ll be ok alone if things don’t work out with my wife. And ironically, that’s given me a new confidence & freedom to create the marriage I want with her.”

If you want this super-power too, let’s explore what’s possible for you. Connect with a bunch of powerful guys talking about this stuff fearlessly in my next Men’s Relationship Tools call this Tuesday at 12pm ET.

And for daily relationship tips and action items, join my private men’s only Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship.

The post Are You Living Out A Life Sentence In Your Marriage? appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Fear of not being enough for her.
Fear of letting her down.
Fear of not making her happy.

I’ve seen all kinds of fears from guys during years of coaching men in their relationships.

And the biggest thing I teach guys is this…

It’s not her that you need to focus on, to get past your fears, but you.

Your sense of you. Who you are. And how fear has infiltrated your identity as a man with your partner.

Do you ever say to yourself, I can’t do anything right with her?

If you said yes, then you’ve bought into her story of who you are.

And that’s a man who can’t do anything right with her.

And this dynamic of giving up your identity, your sense of who you for her, weakens you as a man.

It makes you less desirable, less attractive, and less powerful to create the relationship you ultimately want.

For years, I’ve seen men buy into the belief that they can make their partner happy by betraying themselves. And through this belief, they end up in a lot of misery.

They end up fragmented and split apart inside by two polarizing forces.

One force that says, I need to be someone else for her. And another that knows being someone else other than who you are, for anyone, is a booby trap.

And when a man is in the first force, he says things like…

“Tell me what you want. I’ll do anything to make you happy.”

Have you ever said that to your partner?

If so, I invite you to take a moment and self-reflect.

What was running you in that moment?

Fear.

How does a man get past his fears of not being enough for his partner?
How does he not let fear run him?
How does he not give up who he is for her?

Check out this short video to discover how to be fearless in your relationship.

Ultimately, fear in your relationship is an opportunity.

It’s a way of getting strong. It’s a way of finding out who you are as a man and what you really stand for.

To face that fear, you need courage.

Courage defined not as the absence of fear but acting in the face of it.

Join a group of men doing just that this Tuesday at 9am MT.

The post How to Be Fearless With Her appeared first on Stuart Motola.