“How do you know that?” I say.

“We never have sex anymore,” he says

Does lack of sex feel like lack of love to you as well?

“Because she doesn’t have sex with you, you don’t feel loved?” I say.

“Correct,” he says

“Do you feel needy?”

He pauses. “Not really.”

Do you feel needy in your marriage?

“But you do need sex?”

He nods.

“To know you’re loved, correct?” I continue.

“I’m confused,” he says.

Would you be confused if your wife said she loved you but wouldn’t have sex with you?

Rick was caught in a trap I see a lot of guys stuck in. He equates sex to love and love to sex.

He’s so good at kicking ass at work as an entrepreneur that he gets his ass kicked at home.

And he feels resentful.

His wife feels his resentment and to protect herself, she weaponizes sex. She uses it to poke back at him.

Over the course of months of working together, Rick and I take a deep dive into three profound relational topics to help him sort out his marriage and get things back on track.

Do you struggle with lack of sex in your marriage? Or with not feeling loved?

Check out the video below to learn about how Sex, Love & Attachment get confused in marriage and discover how to sort them out.

Do you want sex, love, and a kick-ass relationship?

If so, shoot me a quick email to jump on a 15-minute call and see how 1:1 coaching can help you achieve your relationship goals.

Or join me on the Men’s Relationship Tools weekly call on Tuesdays at 12pm ET, a couching roundtable for you to get relationship support for only $67/month.

Check it out anytime. First call is free.

The post Sex, Love, & Attachment in Relationship appeared first on Stuart Motola.

In this video, discover play by play how to finally get through to her.

The post What To Do When You Fear Your Relationship Is Over appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Move into action.

Remove the blocks that keep you from getting through to her.

Shoot me a quick email for a quick chat.

A guaranteed, powerful, honest conversation, keeping it real, to give you meaningful insights on how to create the relationship you want.

For the women out there, let’s talk as well.  That’s right, as a men’s coach, I help female partners better navigate with their male partners.

Guys, forward this link to your woman or check it out yourself.

Not ready for 1:1 coaching and still want to transform your relationship?

Check out the Men’s Relationship Tools weekly calls. Reply to join your first call for free.

The post How To Finally Get Through To Your Woman appeared first on Stuart Motola.

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The post What A Sexually Empowered Man Does About His Sexless Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

They say, “I love my wife. She’s great but I don’t know if I can stay married to her.”

And then they explain further…

“We haven’t had sex in months.

“She’s not even interested.

“She’s frigid.”

Do you struggle with sex in your relationship?

Sex is a big deal for us dudes.

It’s often been said that we men need to have sex to feel emotionally connected.

And on the flip side, she needs to be emotionally connected to have sex.

It can feel like such a disconnect. God’s cruel joke.

What comes first – sex or emotional connection?

Many guys don’t even know that his wife needs to be emotionally connected to have sex.

They think she just needs to open her legs and accept him.

They say, “I do everything to fulfill what she needs of me. She doesn’t reciprocate.”

I understand this well because I was in a 20-year marriage where sex was often lacking.

I tried to behave myself. You know, score points. Try to be loving. And then maybe she’d be open up to sex.

But most of the time, she’d reject me. It was as if she saw this sudden wave of exemplary behavior and didn’t quite trust it. And with good reason.

Do you try to score points with your wife to get sex?

Eventually, I’d wonder, What’s the point?

Why even bother to try to build an emotional connection if I can’t get laid once in a while by my own damn wife?

So I’d feel the sting of rejection. To cope, I’d suck it up and try to stay the course for my son and the family.

But do we really have to castrate ourselves to stay married?

There’s got to be a better way. But yet it’s so easy just to throw in the towel, give up, look at other women, or accept the status quo.

There’s a name for that course of action. It’s called “playing small.”

It feels like crap because it is small – small-minded, small-hearted, and small sexually.

What if you had a better way to revive your sexless marriage?

Before we get there, let’s acknowledge something big.

In a long-term relationship or marriage, we have this other dynamic going on. I’ll speak to it in a second.

Often, we don’t know about this dynamic, because the only reference we have for abundant sex is in the good old days, during the honeymoon chemical-flooding phase of doing it in the bathroom, the car, the kitchen, a park bench, anywhere we could get our sex organs out.

What we had then that was lost many years into marriage was simply this… Eros.

Eros is mystery, the unknown, erotic curiosity, arousal, and passion.

It’s something that gets squashed in the day-to-day functioning of married life – getting the kids to school, going to work, bills paid, etc., etc.

We lost our eros and passion because at some point, whether we knew it or not, we prioritized security, stability, and commitment over risk, vulnerability, and deep connection.

Does fear of risk hold you back from creating a fulfilling sex life?

In this video below, I talk about 3 steps to creating a sexually fulfilling marriage, and 3 mental errors we guys make in the process.

Do you want to up level your sex life?

There’s an old joke. To kill off your sex life, get married.

But let’s face it, you didn’t get married to kill off your sex life.

You got married to build a home – psychological, emotional, physical, sexual in one another, and a literal home for your kids.

Fixing a sexless marriage takes some work. And yes, there could be some struggle in achieving it.

Hard conversations, not taking everything personally, and a willingness to get curious about your partner’s blocks.

Are you willing to be in the struggle of rebuilding your sex life?

At the end of the day, you get to decide what you want to struggle for, and what problems you choose.

When asked if they’re willing to put in the work to rebuild their sex life, most guys say, “Well it depends.”

I hate to break it to you. But nothing groundbreaking happens in the land of “it depends.”

If that’s you, it’s a sign that you’re not super serious about turning around your sex life.

For those guys who are serious, ready to be in the struggle, and ready to do something life-changing, let’s have a quick chat.

You are the kind of man I work with. You are the man I help up level his sex life.

A quick chat is a guaranteed, powerful conversation to give you meaningful insights on how to really understand what’s keeping you stuck from having a great sex life.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest conversation between two guys keeping it real to explore how you can move ahead in your relationship.

I’d be honored to hear from you. Move into action and shoot me a quick email.

And if you’re more of a group guy, consider checking out the Men’s Relationship Tools where I am helping men step into action to enhance sex, passion, trust, and confidence in their relationship.

The post 3 Steps To Fix Your Sexless Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

“Typically at night, my wife will sit in bed, reading her book and I’m just thinking, how can I connect with her?

“Then I go to touch her, caress her arm. And then she’ll give me that look, like, are you kidding? Then it’s all bets off.

“This is infuriating because this has been going on for months. I feel trapped.”

Do you feel trapped in a sexless marriage?

For James, it was this.

“She needs to feel emotionally connected in order to feel physically connected. You work all the time, she says, then just expect sex from me.”

Maybe you can relate.

His wife needed to feel like he cared about her heart, her soul, her words. She needed his love.

James was mystified.

He gave his love in all kinds of ways.

He was very helpful around the household, doing the dishes after dinner, taking her out, working hard at his job to provide for their family.

He’d even sit and listen to her talk about her challenges with her mother.

Yet she was telling him she needed more in order to have sex with him.

Do you struggle to give your wife what she needs so that you can get what you want?

I see this is common with men who have been married for years. He can never meet the demands of his wife.

He feels like a dog who has to do a bunch of tricks in order to get fed.

Can you relate to having to do things right for your wife in order to get sex?

James inevitably began feeling lonely, unloved, and negative about the future prospect of his marriage.

To cope, he did like many guys do.

He used porn, he masturbated. He did whatever he needed to get his needs met.

No shame in that but it had limited payoffs.

How do you cope in your sexless marriage?

James wasn’t the guy to have an affair. He wants her, his wife, the woman he loves.

And yet his resentments were starting to build up. He didn’t feel hopeful about having sex with his wife on any regular frequency.

But things changed when James realized the hidden opportunity before him.

Check out the video below to discover the hidden opportunity in your sexless marriage.

The hidden opportunity for James was simply to start treating sex like a sacred act, instead of a transaction.

In our coaching, he learned what that meant for him and his wife. It focused on being relational with her, getting curious about her world, connecting with her in other ways emotionally in which she felt heard and seen.

What’s the hidden opportunity for you in your sexless marriage?

Shoot me a quick email and let’s talk to see what that is for you.

Life’s too short to settle for the status quo of a sexless marriage. You deserve better, brother.

The post The Hidden Opportunity In Your Sexless Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Commitment to one partner. That person you can rely on forever. Sounds beautiful upfront.

And yet, if you’ve been in a long-term marriage or relationship, it’s not that simple.

That one person is also the one who will trigger the sh*t out of you, causing you to feel trapped at times; in fact, that’s their job.

The sooner you learn that, the sooner you’ll stop arguing with reality and blaming her for your triggers.

Do you feel trapped in your marriage?

As you may know, a trigger will send you into your reptilian brain – fight, flight, freeze. The rational brain goes into a tailspin.

Common statements indicate a trigger’s been struck.

“She pushes my buttons like no one else.”

“She says things that send me off the deep end.”

“I just freeze up when she attacks me.”

More important than the trigger is how you respond to it.

Master your trigger responses and you’ll be free in your relationship.

Fumble your trigger responses (what most of us do) and your marriage will feel confining, confusing. At worst, you’ll feel trapped.

How do you respond when you’re triggered?

Most of us go one of two ways – avoidant or anxious.

As an avoidant, we try to not deal with things, distance our self, and take space to process things.

The avoidant is the distancer.

As an anxious, we believe only our partner can make us ok, even struggling when a text is not returned in a timely manner.

The anxious is the pursuer.

Every distancer needs a pursuer. And you guessed it, every pursuer needs a distancer.

Are you the pursuer or the distancer?

If you’re not sure, let’s talk.

If you’re in a pursuer or distancer dynamic, your marriage will start to feel very confining very fast.

This happens to most, if not all couples.

It’s a rare few couples who know how to navigate this anxious-avoidant attachment dynamic; they still experience ruptures but they know how to repair efficiently.

Each partner must see their patterns – as an anxious or avoidant.

What can you do as an anxious to improve your relationship?

In a nutshell, if you’re anxious and your partner is avoidant, you need to learn that they pull away to process things, to figure things out.

It’s not about them not loving you. It’s how they process.

Get that in your head!

It still hurts but knowing this will help.

You also need to self-regulate, tell yourself you’re ok, take deep breaths, and not make it your partner’s job to always make you ok.

What can you do as an avoidant to improve your relationship?

Conversely, if you’re avoidant (distant) and your partner is anxious (needy) – you need to not just check out and disappear on your partner, even if their behaviors feel smothering to you.

If you need space, honor that but always reschedule.

“I’ll be back in 10 minutes, 30 minutes, tonight. I’m here for you. I just need to get my head clear, so I don’t do or say something stupid.”

You need to lean in, even when it hurts. Note, I said lean in, turn towards, not overwhelm yourself.

Relationship – a trap or a path you can navigate?

While understanding avoidant and anxious is important, another key piece is the trap of monolithic monogamy, a term coined by author Esther Perel.

I also call it the tribe of two.

And let’s face it, two is not a tribe, but that’s how we live in marriage and relationship these days.

You may think you need to be everything, or almost everything to each other – lover, partner, best friend, co-parent, family logistic planners, financial partners, teacher, healer, soulmates, etc.

Are you trapped in a tribe of two?

Check out the video below to discover how to get out of the relationship trap.

Relationship is a lot of work. It will bring up your sh*t.

You have to be a warrior to get through it. A warrior of the heart.

Learn the skills to transform your relationship from a trap into a crucible of transformation into freedom and love.

Shoot me a quick email and let’s talk.

The post Are You Feeling Trapped In Your Marriage? appeared first on Stuart Motola.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“Well…” He looks down for a moment before looking up again.

“I mean, you know why I’m here. My marriage is failing. And even though it’s not true, I feel like my wife should want me”

Do you experience success at work and struggle at home?

Tim’s wife has shut down on him. He experiences distance from her. And a lack of trust.

“She says I’m not emotionally available to her. I work too much. “

“And can you relate to that?” I ask.

“Yes, but how does she expect us to have the nice lifestyle we have?”

I nod.

Are you abundant career-wise but impoverished in love?

So… you may be thinking, what a cliché. Poor rich guy can’t get sex from his wife. But Tim is a real guy suffering.

He’s trying to find answers to why his wife is shut down on him.

He hasn’t been intimate with her for months. His heart hurts.

Has your wife shut the door on you when it comes to sex?

Tim and I talk about how trust is a huge factor for a woman to open up sexually.

“She has to feel emotionally safe,” I say.

But there’s another factor that he has not taken into consideration.

And that’s that she’s his only source of emotional intimacy. That is, at least when she’s open to him. And she hasn’t been for years.

Is your wife the primary person you rely on for sharing your deeper thoughts and emotions?

If so, like Tim, that’s a problem. It leads to something Tim discovered, called enmeshment.

Too much enmeshment kills a couple’s sex life.

Do you want to have a better relationship and sex life with your partner?

If so, check out the video below to discover two HUGE tips to revive sex and passion in your relationship.

Life presents us with challenges. Will you step up?

Do the deeper work to heal the sexual challenges in your relationship.

Step up to the plate, grow, and give it your best shot. You are the kind of man I help.

Shoot me a quick email, and let’s talk.

The post 2 Tips To Revive Sex & Passion In A Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.