The truth is in your cock. It’s in your balls. The evidence is in your body.

You want to have more sex than your wife.

Maybe she’s distant. She’s cold. She’s timid, closed off, or uninterested in sex.

It feels like a slap in the face. A closed door to a critical part of you. You’re a man, for crying out loud. You have needs.

You feel most loved, admired, and respected when your partner is open to you sexually.

When that door shuts, it’s as if you’re left stranded on a desert island without food or water. You feel starved.

At worst, it can cause you to feel desperate, in pain, and even lose hope in your relationship.

True or false? You feel most connected emotionally with your partner when you feel connected sexually.

And yet you can be shamed for this. You hear things from her (or as a client recently told me, from his female therapist) like…

“All you care about is sex.”

“You’re a cliché man.”

“I’m not your sexual object.”

Do you want more sex than your wife?

In today’s culture, it’s easy for you to feel shamed for your desires.

Hell, you might even be saying to yourself, I’m a good guy. It’s not like I’m hiring a prostitute or having an affair. It’s my wife, for cryin’ out loud.

(And no shame on those guys who are having affairs or hiring prostitutes. I’m not in the moral judgment business but in the business of understanding unmet human needs and how to bring them back into integrity.)

It can feel like a life sentence when you want more sex than your wife.

I know. I lived it for many years in my marriage.

Sometimes I thought it was god’s cruel joke that she needed to connect emotionally before becoming sexual, all the while it was the opposite for me.

Do you struggle with the emotional-sexual divide in your marriage?

It can feel like a bit of a cluster fuck. You want to figure it out.

And in the process of trying to do so, you feel damned if you act on it and damned if you don’t.

Of course, the internet has all kinds of tips – talk to her about it, get it out in the open, make her feel loved, and on and on.

And yet in trying to implement, it’s easy to face plant and get even more frustrated.

How have you attempted to solve your sexual challenges?

Most guys try one of the four below.

A. Attempt to do everything to make her happy and score points so she’ll open up to you sexually.
(That was my strategy)

B. Ignore it and make the best of it.

C. Use porn and live in fantasies.

D. Get attention at a massage parlor or strip club.

How do you deal with wanting more sex than your wife?

Well, I’ll let you in on a little secret. The lack of sexual fulfillment is on the top level, a symptom.

Underneath are a bunch of other problems.

And to be candid, these may very well be problems in your marriage that you may not want to deal with.

Frankly, it might feel like too much work. And if that’s so, that’s great information.

It helps you get clear on where you want to put your energy, and what your higher priorities are.

You get to decide how you want to do you.

But if you effectively deal with those deeper problems, you’re in a much greater position to create the sexually fulfilling marriage that you seek.

Do you like your sex life as it is or do you want to create something better?

Check out the video below to work on the deeper problems stopping you from creating the sexually fulfilling marriage you seek.

Sex is primal. And at the same time, after years of marriage, we can lose access to that primal energy.

Sex can become mundane.

When there’s no aliveness in you and your life, it makes perfect sense that you’ll experience deadness in the bedroom.

Without curiosity and variety, things flatline in relationship.

An unfulfilled sexual life is just a symptom of where you’ve flatlined with your partner.

Are you ready to bring more aliveness to your marriage and bedroom?

If so, let’s have a quick chat. A guaranteed, powerful conversation to give you meaningful insights on how to create the marriage you want.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest, real conversation between two guys. No sales pitch.

I’d be honored to hear from you. Move into action and shoot me a quick email.

Lastly for the men who aren’t ready to talk 1:1 and still want to transform their marriage or just know who the hell I am to consider coaching, check out the Men’s Relationship Tools.

The post I Want More Sex Than My Wife appeared first on Stuart Motola.

We’ve been together 12 years, says another.

We’ve been together 22 years, says a third guy.

What do all these guys have in common?

All of them flatlined in their marriages. They all felt dead inside with their partner. They struggled with passion in their marriages.

Passion. It often fades in a long-term relationship. Aliveness, a sense of a spark, excitement, connection, sex.

Guys want passion. Women want passion too. All humans want passion.

It seems to be this universal desire as if it’s a right of ours to have passion in our primary relationship.

People are saying to themselves, “I have a right to experience passion, to get out of the dead zone in my marriage, it’s killing me.”

And yet so many people struggle with attaining passion.

Do you lack passion in your relationship?

It’s one thing to want passion. It’s another to sabotage it. And so, often your desire for something else is sabotaging passion.

And that something else is… Can you guess what it is?

Drumroll, please…. It is comfort, safety, and security.

Too much safety, too much comfort kills passion. Passion grows out of uncertainty and risk.

Now don’t get me wrong, safety is critical as a baseline quality to any long-term relationship.

But most people have flatlined in their relationship precisely because somewhere down the road, they chose safety over passion.

They live in an inner script of….

Well, you know, she gets upset when I say the wrong word, so I don’t say anything anymore.

Or…

Yeah, she hates it when I ask for sex. I got tired of her rejecting me, so I stopped asking.

It’s safe to retreat or disengage. But it won’t get you the passion you seek in your relationship.

Do you choose safety over passion in your relationship?

If so, I get it, we need to be safe – emotionally, physically, psychologically – in a long-term relationship.

We need to feel that sense of a safe home in our partner. A place we can rest, experience calm, a sense of respite from the world. But again…

Too much safety leads to a flatlined, dead relationship.

So where are you willing to get unsafe in your relationship?

Maybe you’ve taken risks but they didn’t work out. Then, you just recoiled back into safety.

“I asked her out on a date night and she said no.”

“I tried to do that blindfold thing I’ve been fantasizing about, but she wouldn’t go for it.”

“I touched her on the inside of her arm like she asked me to and then she told me I did it wrong.”

Risks are important but the right risks are even more important.

Are you taking the right risks in your relationship, if any at all?

Risks that get you payoffs.

Risks that honor where you are and help you with the next step needed to move forward into passion.

Risks that won’t crush you if things go south.

Take the right risk at the right time and succeed. And then the next risk and the next.

Build a bridge of risks to get you across that river that’s been keeping you stuck on the shores of deadness.

Do you want to learn how to bring passion back into your marriage?

Check out the video below to discover how stepping into the right risks will bring the passion back to your relationship.

“The level of passion in your relationship is commensurate to the level of risk you’re willing to tolerate in your relationship,” Tony Robbins once said.

It’s a powerful statement that speaks precisely to why risk-averse individuals have no passion in their relationship.

It may be where you feel stuck right now.

Are you willing to take a risk right now?

If so, take that first step and let’s have a quick chat.

A guaranteed, powerful conversation to give you meaningful insights on how to build your risk tolerance to bring passion back into your relationship.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest conversation between two guys keeping it real to explore how you can move ahead in your relationship.

I’d be honored to hear from you. Move into action and shoot me a quick email.

The post What Stops You From Getting Passion Back In Your Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

He is like many men I talk with. His wife is distant, and emotionally cold. Intimacy in his marriage is lacking.

Lack of sex in a marriage is a big deal to many men. And of course, to many women as well. But it tends to come up more with men.

Jacob wasn’t having sex with his wife often. As a result, he was hungry for it. And over time, he felt needy and even desperate.

Is your sex life lacking with your wife?

If so, like Jacob, maybe you pursue strategies to get more intimacy. Sometimes, even unconsciously.

Jacob did a lot of kind and nice things for his wife. He loved her and he wanted to make her happy. He wanted things to be good with her.

But underneath his good intentions, he wanted something in return. Something he feared asking for.

Jacob made an internal bargain that said… if I can help her get her needs met, then maybe she’ll meet mine.

Do you unconsciously bargain for your needs with your wife?

“So what are those needs of yours?” I ask Jacob.

“Ummm,” he pauses. He’s not sure how to answer.

I help him out and go straight to the point.

“Is it sex?” I say.

He smiles like a boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

“Yes, sex. Is that so terrible? I mean, for god’s sake, she’s my wife. I do so much for her… and…”

A story of a desperate man pours forth. I have empathy for him. I was there myself in a 25-year marriage.

“She’s always so busy, with the house, the kids, her mom, her job, and then I come last.”

Do you feel like sex is last on your wife’s list?

Jacob wants to justify himself and his needs. But that’s not necessary.

More than justifying, I want him to know he still has power. He can actually use his desperation to get back into his strength.

A man’s desperation for sex sabotages his sex life with his partner. It is a form of sex repellent to her.

It’s through his power that Jacob will get the love he seeks, not by groveling for sex or being needy.

Over the course of our conversation, desperation spills forth in other ways.

Jacob is not just desperate for sex. He’s desperate for touch. Desperate for attention. Desperate for affection.

Do you seek more touch and affection with your wife?

In the absence of touch and affection, it’s easy for a man to lose his power, focusing solely on the lack in his lower region.

“Do you feel needy with your wife?” I ask.

He pauses. Again, he doesn’t want to admit what is obvious.

“Not so much needy,” he says. “But more like invisible and angry.”

Okay, subtle distinction. Let’s call a spade a spade. Jacob was feeling needy.

And his neediness was a turn off to his wife. She felt like she was with a little boy, not a man. That drove Jacob nuts.

Is needy behavior sabotaging your sex life?

I point out the neediness to him. He concedes to it.

“Yes, I feel needy. But she….”

I pause him. I turn the tables, to see how neediness on his wife’s part would attract him.

“So what do I do with these desperate feelings?” Jacob asks me.

In the video below, see what I told Jacob – how to go from desperation to being in charge of your sex life in your marriage.

Are you in a sexless marriage?

Do you sometimes feel desperate sexually?

If so, then there’s a good chance that you are repelling your partner’s sexuality.

That’s right, without even knowing it, you may be wearing… god forbid… sex repellant.

To help you get clarity on how to command your sex life again, let’s have a quick chat.

A guaranteed, powerful conversation to give you meaningful insights on how to revitalize your marriage.

And to be clear, talking means no sales job, just an honest conversation between two guys keeping it real.

I’d be honored to hear from you. Even the first small step to shoot me a quick email is an act of courage.

*Jacob is a fictional name used for client confidentiality.

The post Are You Sabotaging Your Sex Life With Your Wife? appeared first on Stuart Motola.

She’s the one woman with whom you will have sex. You’ve committed to her in marriage or monogamy.

And then, the door closes. Over time during your relationship, she closes the door behind the sex life you once shared.

Has your partner closed the door on your sex life?

Maybe this is you.

At night, you try to cuddle up to her and she pulls away. She says, she just wants to read her book.

A few minutes later, you glance at her to see if she sees you. She doesn’t. She’s reading – clearly.

It’s as if you’re not even there. You feel invisible. You’re even starting to feel punished.

You ask yourself…

What did I do?

Why is she so shut down to me?

How can I get her to open up?

It can feel punishing to lose your partner sexually.

It’s as if she owns a part of you – your sexuality – and pulls it away from you. As if she has control over you.

This is an extremely challenging place for a man to be.

What can you do when you feel like she’s sexually punishing you?

Maybe you go into one of these two modes – righteousness or wounded puppy dog.

The first – righteousness – has you saying to yourself, she’s using sex as a weapon.

You use words like weapon to convey the sense of the battle that you feel you’re in.

You have a sense of righteous indignation, a sense of being right. A sense of “she’s the problem.”

Do you feel like she’s the problem when it comes to sex?

The challenge with this story is it puts you in a confrontational and transactional mindset. It says, she’s doing A (no sex) to get B (punish me).

This may feel good in the moment but it WILL NOT get you what you want ultimately – closeness and connection.

When you make her the problem, you become a prisoner to her. You lose all your power.

On the flipside, when you go into wounded puppy dog mode, you embody the energy of a limp appendage.

You go into self-pity, very different than grief which can get you back into your strength.

In self-pity, you have no power.

How do you get your power back when you feel like she’s using sex as a weapon?

You go into neither – righteousness or wounded puppy dog.

Instead, you…

… honor that warrior in you that wants to show up better.

… claim your confidence within yourself instead of giving it over to her based on how she “responds” to you.

… live your life as if she’s a part of it and not the center of it.

… take care of yourself.

… express love as it feels aligned for you and not to “win her over” or get a result.

… don’t seek or beg or look at her for validation.

Maybe you read your book.

Maybe you just turn the other way and go to sleep.

Or maybe you say “Good night, love, I hope you sleep well, sweet dreams. I love you.”

Yes, I can give you the words that you might say to her.

But like most men, you have to do the deeper work within yourself to calm the parts of you that are scared and resistant to being a bigger, better version of yourself.

Ultimately, you must regain your confidence, so that you don’t pivot on her and instead you pivot on you.

Could you regain your confidence even when she’s not having sex with you?

To do that, your self-esteem must be greater than your she-esteem.

To take a deeper dive into mastering your self-esteem in your marriage or relationship, check out the free guide “A Man’s Guide To A Kick-Ass Marriage.”

(Works for unmarried men as well; for any man in relationship.)

And to take a deeper dive into how to get out of the story of “she uses sex as a weapon,” check out the video below.

How can you regain your confidence when you’re in a sexless marriage?

Shoot me a quick email and let’s talk to see what that looks like for you.

Or join our small tribe of men rocking their relationships with heart, freedom and responsibility. For a free 1st call and then only $47/month for weekly calls, join us at Men’s Relationship Tools.

Life’s too short to settle for the status quo of a sexless marriage. You deserve better, brother.

The post She Uses Sex As A Weapon appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Commitment to one partner. That person you can rely on forever. Sounds beautiful upfront.

And yet, if you’ve been in a long-term marriage or relationship, it’s not that simple.

That one person is also the one who will trigger the sh*t out of you, causing you to feel trapped at times; in fact, that’s their job.

The sooner you learn that, the sooner you’ll stop arguing with reality and blaming her for your triggers.

Do you feel trapped in your marriage?

As you may know, a trigger will send you into your reptilian brain – fight, flight, freeze. The rational brain goes into a tailspin.

Common statements indicate a trigger’s been struck.

“She pushes my buttons like no one else.”

“She says things that send me off the deep end.”

“I just freeze up when she attacks me.”

More important than the trigger is how you respond to it.

Master your trigger responses and you’ll be free in your relationship.

Fumble your trigger responses (what most of us do) and your marriage will feel confining, confusing. At worst, you’ll feel trapped.

How do you respond when you’re triggered?

Most of us go one of two ways – avoidant or anxious.

As an avoidant, we try to not deal with things, distance our self, and take space to process things.

The avoidant is the distancer.

As an anxious, we believe only our partner can make us ok, even struggling when a text is not returned in a timely manner.

The anxious is the pursuer.

Every distancer needs a pursuer. And you guessed it, every pursuer needs a distancer.

Are you the pursuer or the distancer?

If you’re not sure, let’s talk.

If you’re in a pursuer or distancer dynamic, your marriage will start to feel very confining very fast.

This happens to most, if not all couples.

It’s a rare few couples who know how to navigate this anxious-avoidant attachment dynamic; they still experience ruptures but they know how to repair efficiently.

Each partner must see their patterns – as an anxious or avoidant.

What can you do as an anxious to improve your relationship?

In a nutshell, if you’re anxious and your partner is avoidant, you need to learn that they pull away to process things, to figure things out.

It’s not about them not loving you. It’s how they process.

Get that in your head!

It still hurts but knowing this will help.

You also need to self-regulate, tell yourself you’re ok, take deep breaths, and not make it your partner’s job to always make you ok.

What can you do as an avoidant to improve your relationship?

Conversely, if you’re avoidant (distant) and your partner is anxious (needy) – you need to not just check out and disappear on your partner, even if their behaviors feel smothering to you.

If you need space, honor that but always reschedule.

“I’ll be back in 10 minutes, 30 minutes, tonight. I’m here for you. I just need to get my head clear, so I don’t do or say something stupid.”

You need to lean in, even when it hurts. Note, I said lean in, turn towards, not overwhelm yourself.

Relationship – a trap or a path you can navigate?

While understanding avoidant and anxious is important, another key piece is the trap of monolithic monogamy, a term coined by author Esther Perel.

I also call it the tribe of two.

And let’s face it, two is not a tribe, but that’s how we live in marriage and relationship these days.

You may think you need to be everything, or almost everything to each other – lover, partner, best friend, co-parent, family logistic planners, financial partners, teacher, healer, soulmates, etc.

Are you trapped in a tribe of two?

Check out the video below to discover how to get out of the relationship trap.

Relationship is a lot of work. It will bring up your sh*t.

You have to be a warrior to get through it. A warrior of the heart.

Learn the skills to transform your relationship from a trap into a crucible of transformation into freedom and love.

Shoot me a quick email and let’s talk.

The post Are You Feeling Trapped In Your Marriage? appeared first on Stuart Motola.

But when it comes to his marriage, he’s surprisingly risk-averse.

His wife has closed off to him. She’s sexually shut down on him.

Has your partner shut down on you sexually?

Sex was the initial concern for which Dave came to see me.

“I can’t live like this,” he says. “I have needs, and I won’t go out of the marriage. I’m not a massage parlor, titty bar, or escort kind of guy. Honestly, I feel trapped.”

“Let me ask you something,” I reply. “Do you connect with your wife intimately in other ways beyond sex?”

He pauses and looks away for a moment. “What do you mean?”

“Do you share time together? Do you share your hearts with each other?”

“No,” he says.

Do you share your heart with your partner?

Dave continues, “I’m not even sure what it would look like to share my heart with her or her with me.”

“Makes sense,” I say. “So… until now you’ve primarily seen sex as the way to experience intimacy. Correct?”

“I guess. Of course, I want her heart with me when we’re having sex.”

“Great. So, for now… are you open to learning how to cultivate emotional intimacy with your wife without sex? Again, for now. This is a step towards the sex piece.”

“Absolutely. With you saying it will help our sex life.”

Thinking, he strokes his pepper grey goatee. “And I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know if she’d even be open to that.”

Are you open to emotional intimacy that doesn’t result in sex with your wife?

“Does this feel risky to you, Dave?” I ask him.

“Somewhat,” he says, understating the obvious. “That’s why we’re talking. I mean, honestly, it all feels like a bit of a minefield.”

I pause for a moment, then ask an important question.

“What if you bring your risk-tolerant mindset from work to your marriage? Of course, knowing you’re still learning the ropes when it comes to your relationship.”

He thinks for a moment. “Sounds good to me.”

Are you more comfortable taking risks at work than in your marriage?

In the video below, discover the greatest threat to your ability to create a fulfilling emotional and sexual life with your partner, and how to get past it.

After a few months of working together, the roadmap becomes clear for Dave.

He has jumped in fully, done the work between our calls, and started to grab the steering wheel of his marriage.

“She is opening. And I feel less threatened by the whole situation. More sex would be great, but things are getting better. Patience, I know.”

“You’re feeling more empowered to ask for what you want?” I say. “More hopeful for the future of your marriage?”

“Yes, for sure,” he says. “I’m trusting we’ll get there and I now have the tools to do that.”

Dave took a risk in talking with me. He took a risk by stepping into some daunting terrain. It started with a simple first step.

Are you ready to get past what’s keeping you from having the intimacy you seek with your partner?

Shoot me a quick email and let’s talk.

The post My Wife Won’t Have Sex With Me appeared first on Stuart Motola.

He said men on the evolutionary scale have two instincts.

What are men’s two primary instincts historically?

The first instinct for a man, he said, is to KILL IT.

Kill, hunt, get the prey, conquer, win, feed the tribe.

Today that means make the deal, win the case, crush the project, get the client, fill the coffers.

The other instinct he spoke of is simply termed FUCK IT.

Yes, actually have intercourse, penetrate, enter the vulva, have sex, and procreate, spread his seed, enlarge his domain.

Can you relate to those two instincts?

And yet, over the last 50 years, with the rise of feminism and women’s empowerment, those two instincts have been significantly challenged.

A third instinct is required of men, one that has typically the domain of women, which I’ll speak to in a moment.

In today’s new world, a man who stays only in the lane of the fuck it and kill it instincts, always fighting, conquering, and trying to have sex, will fall short in achieving his happiness.

The same outcome occurs for the man who ignores those two instincts altogether.

That’s the guy who doesn’t manifest financially, doesn’t conquer, and shuts down his sexuality because he fears rejection or he’s got a cold partner.

Are you the guy who manifests or abdicates financially? The guy who embraces his sexuality or rejects it?

To do both well today – fuck it and kill it – require mastery of a third instinct I mentioned prior historically in the domain of the female.

An instinct that is a massive growth curve for men who have only had to develop this instinct 50 out of the last 10,000 years.

That third instinct is TO EMOTE, relate to it, connect emotionally.

The man who knows what he’s feeling and can express his feelings without being whiney, self-pitying, or aggressive.

This helps a man be a better and more fulfilled father, a more empowered and loving husband, and often uplifts his business as well.

And the capacity to emote and emotionally connect is key to a man’s ability to have a sexually fulfilling marriage or long-term relationship.

Doing otherwise is treating her or sex like a transaction or an obligation.

And it leads to acting out three key dynamics in which your partner shuts down sexually to you, which I discuss in the video below.

You have a fuck it instinct. Of course, she’s not an it. She’s so much more.

Once you discover why your wife no longer wants sex, you’ll be on the path to knowing what it takes to create the kick-ass sex life you deserve.

To start on the path to a better sex life, shoot me a quick email to jump on a 15-minute call and see how 1:1 coaching can help you achieve your relationship goals.

Or join me on my Men’s Relationship Tools weekly call on Tuesdays at 12pm ET, a couching roundtable for any man to get relationship support for only $47/month.

Check it out anytime. First call is free.

The post 3 Reasons She Doesn’t Want To Have Sex With You appeared first on Stuart Motola.

“OK, so what’s your sense of why it’s not happening?” I asked.

“She’s busy all the time. She’s tired when I’m awake. And I’m tired when she’s up. It’s like we just miss each other,” he says.

Are you in a sexless or sexually-challenged marriage?

For some guys, it’s a huge source of distress. For others, they just check out from their cock.

For Rick it was top mission priority number one.

“It’s not just about the sex, he said. It’s about the connection. I feel closest to her when we’re having sex.”

“Great,” I said

“What’s great?” he said, perplexed.

“That you want to work on the relationship as well,” I said.

Rick considered this as if I had made an assumption that wasn’t true.

Do you want to work on your relationship or just have more sex?

Three seconds later, Rick said, “I want to work on my relationship AND have more sex.”

“Noted,” I said.

What if sex was just a subset of a more fulfilling marriage and the reward was feeling like you have a woman who has your back?

“Sounds really good to me. Because right now she doesn’t have my front or back.” He laughed.

“What do you think is the root cause of your sexless marriage?”

Rick thought about it for a moment.

Many guys I’ve spoken with in the last 15 years of coaching men pin it on their partner; they say…

She’s shut down, she’s too busy, she’s putting me at the bottom of the list, her libido has changed.

And yet what they’re not aware of is how they treat sex like Rick did. An approach to sex that turns off his wife. A thing for her to do.

Do you make this common mistake when it comes to sex with your wife?

Check out the video below to discover if that’s the case for you. To have sex work for your marriage instead of against it.

A few weeks later, with Rick’s permission, I spoke to his wife Angela about their sexual dynamic.

She said, “He treats me like this thing that’s just supposed to turn on at any time. Oh, he works so hard… blah blah…”

I nodded empathically.

“So he can have sex at any time but you need to feel connected to him to do it? Does that resonate?”

“Exactly,” Angela breathed deeply, relieved that I understood the dynamic.

“I know he loves me but it’s a huge turn-off when he treats sex like a thing I have to do. I have plenty to do. I want sex to be deeper than another thing to cross off my list.”

With Angela’s consent, I shared this last sentiment with Rick a week later.

At first, Rick was dumbfounded, even offended. His face said WTF?

In the moment, I asked him to own his reaction and not pin it all on her.

That helped him relax and open to see how what Angela said could be true.

After that, Rick got serious. He worked with me on the relationship to develop a less transactional and more relational approach to sex.

And not surprisingly, Angela opened up to him sexually. Rick was a changed man with a new blueprint on how to engage his wife relationally and sexually.

Are you ready to up-level your sex life with your wife?

If so, shoot me a quick email to jump on a 15-minute call and see how 1:1 coaching can help you achieve your goals.

Or join me on the Men’s Relationship Tools weekly call on Tuesdays at 12pm ET, a couching roundtable for any man to get relationship support for only $47/month.

Check it out anytime. First call is free.

The post The #1 Cause Of A Sexless Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

He crushes it as a CEO of a tech company by day. But can’t control his wife.

“Goddamnit she’s gonna give it to me. I’m sick of this crap.”

Nate’s Scottish complexion goes red.

“I hear your emotion, Nate,” I say. “But how would you feel if somebody were saying those words to you?

“Repulsed.”

Do you sometimes feel like you want to demand sex from your wife?

“Get in touch with the emotion behind the words,” I offer Nate.

He nods, goes quiet. “Pissed off.”

“Trapped?” I offer.

“Absolutely,” he says.

Nate describes feeling like he’s in an elevator with the doors closing in on him, one foot in the elevator, the other out.

A man who doesn’t know if he should get off at what floor.

A man who doesn’t know where he’s going – up or down.

What’s the point of staying married if your wife shuts down sex?

I offer Nate the chance to connect with the trapped feeling, the anger, the sense of feeling small.

“Where’s it stem? Come from?” I say.

“It’s her,” he says.

Sure, she’s got a part in this. But he has to get to the core, his wound, his neediness, his unfulfilled needs. Nate is stuck in his own trap of blame.

“It’s one thing to be needy and another to have unfulfilled needs,” I say to him.

Nate nods his head. But he’s still fixated on her.

What if she still says no?

“More than focusing on her yes or no focus on this,” I say. “Will you be OK if she says no?”

A pause. He considers it. “Well I guess I’ve been OK up until now.”

I’m not so sure he has been.

Do you feel needy with your wife when it comes to sex?

When you’re needy, you’re fragile. You diminish your resilience in the face of rejection.

With resilience comes strength. This is the foundation of improving your sexual relationship.

“So, I should be ok not getting it?”

“Yes.”

“What the hell good are you?” he says.

“Good question. Nate, I’m offering a long-game strategy into sexual confidence. Your short-game strategy of neediness and demands hasn’t gotten you what you want. Has it?”

He nods. “So now what?”

“Think about what’s at stake here.”

Nate looked at me, spoke about his kids, his love of his family, his home, and the love that he still has for his wife.

“Seems kind of childish to stake all that on my cock,” he says.

“Yes. And you have unfulfilled needs. Let’s honor both. Your family and your needs.”

Nate digs in with me for the next 6 weeks. He’s willing to play a long game. Are you?

Discover how you can play the long game of sexual confidence in your relationship.

Sexual confidence is not built in a day.

It’s not “I got lucky.”

Not “I got laid.”

It’s “I am willing to confront the challenges ahead of me and give it my best shot with strength, resilience, and wise strategies.”

We essentially have to re-program ourselves as men.

That’s what Nate did – built resilience, confidence, and reconfigured how he approached sex with his wife.

For men and women going through big transitions in life and relationship, check out my in-person Metamorphosis Retreat in Asheville, North Carolina November 3-5 with my colleague Sarah Haggerty.

Or join me and Sarah on Wed, Oct 18, 7-8pm ET for Navigating Life Transitions, a FREE one-hour online workshop.

Not a group guy and prefer to talk 1:1? Shoot me a quick email.

The post What Is Sexual Confidence For A Man? appeared first on Stuart Motola.

The desire takes you over. It’s bigger and stronger than you.

And when you’re in the vortex of desire, you may not know you’re in it.

A client recently said this regarding his experience of desiring sex with his wife.

Do you experience sex-hunger with your wife?

When we look deeper into the source of this hunger or desire, we notice it’s not just about sex but something else.

As a coach, my job is to help you get to the root of your challenges.

Over the years coaching men in challenged relationships, I’ve seen a deeper element underneath a man’s sex-hunger.

What if you could get to the root of your sexual desire?

It would be a game-changer. And it would take a lot of stress off you and your wife.

First, answer a simple question.

What is sex really about for you – connection, intimacy, release?

I will venture to say it’s all those things and even more.

In the video below, I speak to something else: one big thing about what sex really is for a married man.

Knowing this will offer you more freedom in your relationship and help you feel less trapped if you’re in a sexually challenged relationship.

OK, I hate to be the guy who holds back information from you. The headline I speak to in the video above is about validation.

Validation is synonymous with knowing you are loved, being seen, and not feeling so alone with your wife or partner.

For instance, when a client of mine discovered this through our work together, it was a game-changer for him.

It dramatically enhanced his relationship with his wife, because it helped him see how he was sabotaging sex with his wife, and opened him up to love her more freely.

If you want those things, let’s talk.

Or join me for the next Confident Man’s Path To Relationship online training starting September 19 on Tuesdays from 7:30-9pm ET for a mere $395. Enroll soon. Training is limited to 8 men.

Check out the topics we’ll cover in this 6-week training.

• Week 1 – Ground Zero Of Your Relationship
• Week 2 – What She Does That Pisses You Off
• Week 3 – Essential Parts Of Yourself That You Suppress To Stay In Relationship
• Week 4 – How To Not Lose It With Her (Or Emotionally Check Out)
• Week 5 – Strengthen Your Confidence With Your Partner
• Week 6 – Ask For What You Want Without Stepping On A Landmine

Not a group guy?

Shoot me a quick email to discuss how to be in your A game with your partner.

I’d be honored to hear from you.

The post What Sex Is About For A Married Man appeared first on Stuart Motola.