A high-achieving executive, he crushed it at work but at home all his skills and talents fell flat.

His marriage was floundering and his wife was unhappy.

Do you get more validation at work than from your wife?

If you do, it would make sense that you might be avoidant at home.

Such was the case for Rick. He struggled to deal with his wife’s negativity.

At the same time, Rick’s wife felt abandoned.

So, she turned up the volume on her complaints of him.

Rick couldn’t help but notice.

Does your wife accuse you of not being what she needs you to be?

Rick had to confront what was going on at home.

On his own, he started trying to listen more. But more often than not, he just got an earful of complaints.

He wanted to fix the problem, get his wife off his back, and have more peace at home.

But whatever he did, his wife wasn’t having it.

As far as she was concerned, the damage was done, and there was no fixing it.

That’s when Rick and I started talking.

Does your wife bludgeon you with the past?

Rick wanted to just get his wife off his back. That was a top level approach.

I took him much deeper to ask him this question.

A question that allowed him to connect with the discord within himself of being a man who pretends to be a good guy trying to fix things at home, but really just wants peace for himself.

I asked him…

What is your soul asking of you in this relationship?

At first, Rick couldn’t grasp it. We had a talk about soul.

Soul is that part of you that wants you to be in integrity with yourself, wants you to get the love you deserve, wants you to not hide out or play small.

After a short while, a light bulb went off for Rick.

He got it that this was not just about his wife and her complaints. This was all calling him into a bigger version of himself.

To be a man of courage and integrity in his marriage.

This meant showing up out of care for his wife and his desire for a fulfilling marriage and not just to get her off his back.

With deeper work, he got to know himself and build the self-esteem to not take on her complaints about the past.

Instead, he chose to be accountable for what he had done prior and offer his wife an invitation into a new way of being together in the future.

Rick’s situation was asking for him to step into himself in a way that he didn’t even know was possible, to create the marriage he wanted.

What’s your soul asking of you in your relationship?

Most of what you can do for your marriage or relationship is work on yourself.

Transform who you’ve become in the relationship.

You change and then she’s much more likely to change.

Access the opportunity in your current relationship challenges.

Take the first step. Shoot me a quick email.

Stay Strong & Be Relational,
Stu

P.S. Join a group of men tackling their relationship challenges head-on, online every Tuesday at 12pm ET on the Men’s Relationship Tools calls.

First call is free. Reply to get a zoom link.

The post What’s Your Soul Asking Of You In Your Relationship? appeared first on Stuart Motola.

“Some days, I just want to hit the eject button. To just get out of this mess I’m in.”

Tony doesn’t understand how he’s landed at the age of 46 into a functional life – work, pay the bills, take care of the kids – and a lifeless marriage – a lot of un-heart-felt “yes, sweeties” and often feeling alone.

For some time now, he’s been living in what feels like a random weather pattern, toggling between dark clouds and brief moments of sun.

Does your relationship feel like a random weather pattern?

Cloudy skies move Tony from anger – “the hell with her” – to shame – “my marriage has failed”.

The sunny patches are brief and seemingly random.

Tony’s lost his sense of clarity about who he is and how he wants his marriage to look. He’s settled for the functional day-to-day. His imagination of the possibilities for his life and marriage has dwindled.

Have you lost your way in your marriage or relationship?

Tony decides he’s had enough of being lost.

He starts researching “marriage advice for men” on YouTube. Free information on the internet is a low-risk endeavor. Easy enough.

He watches a lot of different stuff about boundaries, codependence, and masculine power. At first, it’s inspiring, learning. But then over time, it gets overwhelming.

He thinks to himself, There’s so much damn information out there. How the hell do you know the right path forward?

He’s fallen into the information trap, where the gap between information and implementation is huge. He goes back to doing nothing about his marriage.

Do you mistake information for action in your relationship?

He continues to spiral between anger and shame with his wife.

Then one day, he totally tears into her.

She’s gotten on him for not taking out the trash the night before.

“You said you’d do it,” she says. “Where the heck are we going to put the trash for the next week? You don’t do what you say, Tony.”

The last thing on his mind is the trash. He’s thinking about how she rebuffed him physically, again, the night before.

He loses his temper at the breakfast table, in front of his 9-year-old daughter and 12-year-old son, eating pancakes across from him.

“Stop it! Big f*#kin’ deal. Who the hell cares about the damn trash? If I don’t do one thing right, you come at me…. “

Tony did what I see a lot of men do. He holds it all in “like a man” and then he blows up and feels shitty about it afterward.

Same weather. Anger followed by shame.

Do you hold anger and shame in your relationship?

Tony hits a new low, a depression that lasts weeks. His inner critic comes down really hard on him.

Now, you’re really in the doghouse. Forget about sex for the next month. Damn, you’re a loser.

This shit has to stop, he thinks.

Desperate for help, he fills out a few web forms for help. But then forgets about it.

Do you hide out in information and struggle to take action in your relationship?

A few weeks later, Tony contacts me. A month later, we jumped on a call.

He tells me his story. And here’s what I tell him about the dynamics of his relationship.

Do you cycle between stormy weather and respites of calm in your relationship?

Do you want better?

In a few months of working together, Tony and I got deep into how he minimized himself to keep him in a one-down victim role with his wife.

When he stuffed down his anger and shame, he was at their mercy.

Instead, he learned with me how to put anger and shame out in front of him, where he could name them in order to tame them.

That put him into a position to not take it personally when his wife expressed her distrust about the trash or anything he failed to do.

And when he was more calm and level-headed, he could get his anger and shame to work for him, instead of against him, to create the marriage he sought.

Do you seek to create a marriage where hard emotions like anger or shame can work for you?

Take the first step, like Tony did. Let’s have a quick chat.

A guaranteed, powerful conversation to give you meaningful insights on how to re-take the throne of your life and make your fears work for you.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest conversation between two guys keeping it real to explore how you can move ahead in your relationship.

I’d be honored to hear from you. Move into action and shoot me a quick email.

And if you’re more of a group guy, consider checking out the Men’s Relationship School where I am helping men step into action to improve their relationship when it comes to sex, trust, confidence, manhood, and more.

Join your first call for free.

The post Use Your Anger Or Shame To Create A Better Relationship appeared first on Stuart Motola.