Sounds like the words of a guy who is financially stressed.

Anyone who’s been married a while can tell you that arguments about money and marriage go hand in hand.

Do you and your wife fight about money?

It can be infuriating for a guy when he feels like his wife wastes money.

“I work my ass off, trying to put aside for our future, and she’s pissing away cash like it’s nothing,” said Todd.

And so the typical cycle went like this. Todd’s wife would spend frivolously. He would get upset. She’d hide her spending from him. He would discover it months later.

He’d confront her. She’d say, “That was forever ago, you expect me to remember that?”

A fight would ensue. He’d feel powerless. She’d feel humiliated. And both would dig in for their survival. He can’t control me. She can’t piss away money like it grows on trees.

Is money a source of conflict for you and your wife?

You may know the rest of the story.

Afterward, Todd and his wife put each other in the doghouse. Trust went to hell. Intimacy was off the radar for the next week or two.

In the end, two lonely people living lonely lives, isolated on separate sides of the fence. And then every six to eight weeks, they repeat the cycle.

Why is money such a problem for so many married couples?

For guys, it’s simple. Much of our self-esteem is embedded in our ability to earn and provide. It relates to our built-in need to serve and protect.

While women are earning like never before, they typically don’t wrap their self-esteem around their earnings. But men, on the other hand, do.

And so when Todd’s wife spent $10 on a box of cookies that he thought shouldn’t cost more than $5, it became a big deal. But in the flood of emotions, he missed something big. Todd failed to realize that it wasn’t just about the money.

What he missed was that this was about something much more personal. It was about his self-confidence in his marriage. His ability to confidently communicate to his wife.

In the absence of self-confidence, he resorted to trying to change his wife’s behaviors in order to be okay and respected. But it wasn’t about her. It’s about him.

Do you wish you could communicate confidently with your wife?

If you could, you wouldn’t fall into this trap of thought, common for many guys. They think, If only I could make more money, then I wouldn’t have to worry about her spending.

But more money is not going to fix a self-confidence problem. Todd could tell you that. He was the guy worth millions, yes, millions, complaining to his wife about a $10 box of cookies.

His complaint wasn’t really about cookies. It was about his self-worth as a man. It was about his ability to communicate confidently to his wife. This was deeply personal for him.

Why else would a multi-millionaire make such a big deal about a $10 box of cookies?

Do you get upset at dumb things you judge your wife does?

If so, then consider something that was big for Todd. The deeper message here. The story you tell yourself. That somehow you have failed as a man when you can’t get through to her.

It’s easy to beat yourself up about your inability to communicate with your wife.

In the absence of self-confidence, men often lose themselves in a tangled web of self-judgment, fear, and projection. But none of that gets dealt with because we’re too focused on the damn cookies.

Of course, the cookies are a metaphor. For you, it might be a parking ticket that goes unpaid, a bill that got lost, or a check that never got cashed. Whatever it is for you…

What if you could just relax, communicate well, and enjoy your marriage?

In the video below, check out the precise words that helped put Todd back in charge of his marriage.

What is it that you ultimately want in your relationship?

At the end of the day, Todd wanted what a lot of married men want – self-confidence with his wife, trust in their marriage, and the ability to relax and love her.

And what a thing it is that we guys will toss all that away for a $10 box of cookies. In truth, we don’t even know we’re being so foolish.

Yet in the absence of the simple ability to convey impact, to talk about what’s really under the hood for us, we spend years complaining, hiding, or blowing things up.

Being a confident and capable man in your relationship is not all that hard. You just need to stay in your productive powers.

Do you want to go from frustrated to confident with your partner?

If you answered yes, let’s have a quick chat.

A guaranteed, powerful conversation to help you get the upper hand on your partner’s verbose ways. I’d be honored to hear from you.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest, real conversation between two guys. No sales pitch. To get started, shoot me a quick email.

Lastly for the men who aren’t ready to talk 1:1 and still want to transform their marriage, try out Men’s Relationship Tools.

It’s also a great way to see what coaching can offer you.

The post How To Get Your Wife To Stop Wasting Money appeared first on Stuart Motola.

My client Jack raises his hands like claws at his skull. The complaints come at him constantly. It feels like an endless barrage.

He works full time as the CEO of a successful company. And he’s still not doing enough.

Is your wife always complaining?

Jack’s wife was complaining A LOT. And unfortunately for him, he got sucked down the rabbit hole with her.

He did that by making her complaints about him. He internalized the belief that no matter what he did, her complaints were a sign that he had failed her as a man.

“Even the kids,” he said, “are not good enough for her. They’re on their phones all the time. They’re unhelpful. I mean, jeez woman, these are our kids. Come on. Cut them some slack!”

What Jack really meant was “cut ME some slack.” Being with a wife who complains a lot can be a major burden for a guy.

Do you take on your wife’s complaints as your burden?

It seems that more and more these days a lot of women traffic in complaints. In some ways, you could say it’s their style of communication.

But you see most of us guys don’t understand that. And we take it personally.

Like Jack, we make it about us. Whether we know it or not, we have this unconscious belief in “happy wife, happy life.”

The problem with that is on the flip side, it translates to “unhappy wife, unhappy life.” And then we internalize the belief that if she’s hot happy, then I can’t be.

And while it’s noble to care about your wife’s well-being, taking on her happiness as your responsibility DOES NOT work out well, as Jack noticed.

Do you take on your wife’s unhappiness as your responsibility?

You see, the thing is Jack did this, in order to fill a void within himself. He abandoned his own wants and needs and focused solely on those of his wife.

And that meant, he abandoned what he wanted. As a result, he only knew what he didn’t want.

“So, what’s your greatest hope with her?” I asked him.

“That she’ll stop complaining!” He said.

I nodded. And then I asked him something else, something he hadn’t thought possible. Something he couldn’t even imagine.

What if you could transform her complaints into loving requests?

His eyebrows raised with disbelief. “Yeah, right, are you some kind of magician?”

The next few months, Jack and I went on a mission to do just this. And this is how we did it.

The first thing I taught Jack was to stop making his wife’s complaints all about him. To start seeing that HE was not the problem. The problem was how he dealt with her complaints.

Like a man, he took it all on. I call this false heroism. It’s the b.s. behind the “happy wife, happy life” script, which Jack wasn’t even aware was running him.

Together we worked on helping him put some distance between himself and his wife’s complaints. To have a healthy boundary. Not letting all her complaints penetrate the deepest parts of his heart.

Do your wife’s complaints tear at your heart?

Once Jack learned to have a healthy boundary from his wife’s complaints, he was able to actually be the good, caring guy he wanted to be. What an irony.

You see, even though Jack was a powerful guy at work, at home he was a nice guy.

And as a nice guy, he thought that letting his wife’s complaints penetrate his heart was empathy and being a good guy.

But the problem is that strategy shut him down to her and just caused him a ton of resentments.

Do you get resentful at your wife when she complains?

If so, do what I taught Jack. Start to separate yourself from her complaints. Create a healthy boundary on what you let sink in.

Start to see that she’s the one having a hard time. Not you. Let me repeat. NOT YOU! You don’t have to take that on.

And in fact, when you stop taking it on, you’ll be a better man for her.

Being a good man is not the same as letting all her complaints sink into your heart.

When you stop that, and yes even if she attacks your character, you are in a much more powerful position to keep yourself safe and not be dragged down.

And when you’re not dragged down, you receive something else. It’s called bandwidth. That offers you more energy. Energy to hear her and listen, and yes, with empathy.

It’s empathy that helps her get what she wants – to feel heard and be seen. The lack of being heard and seen is what has her complaining so much in the first place.

And when she’s heard and seen, her whole nervous system calms down. She feels loved. And it’s then that you can transform her complaint into a loving request.

Do you want to transform her complaints into loving requests?

If so, check out the video below for 3 key steps I took Jack through to get his marriage from “I’m done” to “I feel loved and respected.”

It’s tough being a guy in marriage today. We want to be good to our wife and we want to be empathic.

Of course, we want to be a good guy. Nobody wants to be the macho jerk. We want to try to meet her needs as best as we can.

But when they come out in the form of complaints all the time, it’s only human to get resentful.

Are you stuck between resentments and the desire to be a good man for your wife?

If so, cut yourself some slack. How would you know how to do any different? Did you ever go to school for this stuff? Of course not. Maybe like me, you went to the school of heart knocks.

Well, I’m excited to say that I have created a relationship school for men. The Men’s Relationship School. A school that is built on a decade of the best of my work coaching men in relationship.

Let’s face it, not every guy is ready for the deeper commitment and investment of 1:1 coaching. That’s why I created The Men’s Relationship School. I’m offering it for a low monthly fee of $89, but you can enjoy the month of October for FREE!

Try it out and learn how to…

• HAVE A STRONG BACKBONE to get the respect and love you deserve.
• GET PAST YOUR FEARS of her freak outs and stay bold and calm in the heat of conflict.
• TRANSFORM HER COMPLAINTS into loving requests.
• And more.

Not a group guy? To talk 1:1, shoot me a quick email.

And join my men’s-only private Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship for inspiring daily relationship tips and action items just for men.

The post Transform Her Complaints Into Loving Requests appeared first on Stuart Motola.

My client Michael wonders. When did it happen?

He doesn’t know. And yet undeniably, there’s something missing in his relationship.

A fire. A passion. An excitement. A desire for one another. Sex. He hungers for it.

Do you feel something missing in your relationship?

Michael remembers the “old us.” They were in their twenties in New York. Before marriage. Before kids. When they dove into each other’s bodies spontaneously at any time of day or night.

But these days, sex is infrequent, if at all. Getting things done — work, kids, home — takes priority over spontaneously diving into each other’s bodies.

He feels like a cliché, A sexually-repressed, middle-aged guy.

“I don’t know when it happened. But over time, she shut down sexually.”

Is your partner shut down sexually?

“It’s hard to imagine continuing like this. I mean, I need sex. I’m a sexual man!”

Michael pauses. He says, “It’s not just about sex, you know. It’s about connection, feeling her love and her desire.”

I nod affirmingly.

“She’s more receptive when things are going well and we feel close. But lately, she’s like a dry well.” He sighs. “I hate to speak about her like that. But it feels good to be honest about it.”

Have you told her that you’re frustrated?

“She knows. But it’s easier to avoid it. Talking about it just make it worse.”

“How’s that strategy working for you?” I ask.

“I know it’s not good, but she says I can’t pressure her. She has to be in the mood to have sex. I don’t know what else to do.”

What if you could get sex just by being you?

“That would be great. But I don’t even know who I am with her anymore. It’s like I’ve lost myself,” he says.

“Ok, good, now you know the problem. You’ve lost yourself. So let’s fix it.”

I talked to Michael about owning his N.U.T.S. No, not the anatomical part of his body. But four letters that would recover who he was and make him his sexiest to his partner.

Discover those four letters for yourself in the short video below. Four letters, for real!

Have you given up who you are in your relationship? 

Michael did but after a few months of working with me, he discovered who he was again and began owning his N.U.T.S.

I coached him about how his problem wasn’t as much about his wife, but him.

“You pivot off of her, relying on her mood, instead of focusing on yourself and what you really want. And that causes you to be needy and groveling without even knowing it. No woman wants to be with a needy man.”

His wife said just those words when she joined one of our zoom calls. I encouraged Michael to tell her how living in a sexless marriage impacted him.

He hesitated and looked at me. I nodded and had him take a breath.

Facing her, he said, “I get distant and disconnected. I feel like I’ve lost you. I even get scared that we’ll become one of those old, grumpy, sexless couples.”

Michael didn’t want that. And neither did she.

“And also,” he continued. “It’s not just about sex. It’s about my love and desire for you. It’s you I want. Love and connection with you.”

A tear fell down her face.

“I love that you’re talking so directly to me. You’re very attractive when you’re not hiding out, Michael,” she said.

Clearly, Michael’s wife was open to hearing him. And with continued effort, a new chapter in their relationship began.

While what Michael did was simple, it took some work. He owned his N.U.T.S and spoke directly to his wife.

How can you own your N.U.T.S to bring back the fire, passion, and sex in your relationship?

Michael started that process with one step. He emailed me. And that made all the difference. And you can too.

Change the dynamic with your partner now. Shoot me a quick email.

And if you’re not ready to email me, join my next confidential and free men’s zoom call Tuesdays at 9am mtn time.  

Stop suppressing your sexuality to stay in an unsatisfying relationship. Living in the fear of things getting worse is no way to get what you want.

The post Own Your N.U.T.S (When A Man Is Sexiest To His Partner) appeared first on Stuart Motola.

James pauses and looks away for a moment.

“Half of the time I’m not even sure what she’s angry about.”

He throws his hands up in frustration.

“The other day, she barked at me because I didn’t secure the lid to the yogurt. The day before, it was how I don’t reply to her texts soon enough. The week before, it was, I work too much.”

He looks at me, as if he’s going to say something he’ll regret. But he says it anyway.

“My wife’s a bully.”

Instead of feeling regret, he’s relieved.

“What can I do about it?”

Do you experience charged behavior from your partner?

If so, you’re not alone. I hear from a lot of men who say things like…

“She’s so critical of me.”

“She’s a rageaholic.”

“I sometimes think she hates all men.”

The list goes on.

Why are women so angry at their men these days?

Why are so many guys feeling like their partners’ targets?

And most importantly…

What can you do about it?

A lot of men just resort to walking on eggshells around their partner. Trying to be invisible, hoping she’ll just calm down.

That was James, before we began working together.

He’d try to get to bed before his wife, so he could just sleep peacefully. Or in the morning, he’d get his toast and coffee and get out of the house to avoid conflict.

Do you walk on eggshells around your partner?

James did, until he faced his fears of things getting worse before they got better.

When I pointed out to him the daily soul-suck he was living in, he realized the extent to which he had trained himself to do everything he could not to upset his wife.

“You do realize it has a major cost to you?” I said.

James had habituated himself, to not upset his wife, to such a point that he began to lose any sense of who he was, what he wanted in his marriage, and what would make him happy.

“Holy f*#k!” he said to me when the light bulb went off.

Then I asked him…

What if you didn’t take on your wife’s anger as your responsibility?

For a moment, he looked at me like I was crazy.

“Say what?” he said.

I repeated the question.

“I”m just afraid that would make things worse.”

And so I taught him a powerful tool, four words that settled his fears and gave him the confidence to change the dynamic in his marriage.

Discover those four words for yourself in the short video below. Four words! For real!

Do you want to make change in your relationship?

In a short time, James mastered these four words and experienced a new way forward in his marriage.

“It’s like she knows I won’t take it anymore. I mean, I wasn’t a jerk about it. But I made it clear, something needs to change. And it shocked me, when she said, you’re right.”

No woman wants to be a bully.  She’s just stuck in a bad habit. And in James’ case, it was one that he had allowed to linger, until I coached him otherwise.

Do you want to stop your partner’s bullying?

James did. But first, he took a simple action. And you can too. Change the dynamic with your parter now. Shoot me a quick email.

And if you’re not ready to email me, join our next confidential and free men’s zoom call Tuesdays at 9am mtn time.  

Take action on creating the relationship you want. Living in the fear of things getting worse is no way to make your relationship better.

The post My Wife’s A Bully (what can I do about it?) appeared first on Stuart Motola.

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They’re working hard at their job, helping out at home, and with their kids. And then they hear their partner say, “I don’t feel like you’re on my team.”

It often leaves a guy feeling blindsided. What? Not on your team? I’m busting my ass for you.

Have you ever been told that you’re not on your partner’s team?

It can be a dispiriting moment when you’re trying to show up in a good way with your partner. And often, it can get you feeling down on yourself.

You might even leave you wondering, Is anything I do good enough for her?

What if instead of kicking yourself you did something else?

What if you did a pivot?

You know, that simple move on the basketball court.

Pivot away from her and back to yourself the next time your partner says, I don’t feel like you’re on my team. It’s a great tactic to not be at the mercy of your partner’s complaints.

Find out how in the super short video below.

Say what, a basketball move?

Yes, the pivot. Remember this one word the next time you feel your partner coming at you with a charge.

And if you’re thinking, I don’t get it or I need help, send me a quick email and I’d be glad to coach you through it.

The post Pivot When She Says You’re Not On Her Team appeared first on Stuart Motola.

He asks himself, “What’s the point of being married if I can’t have sex with my own wife? Will it be like this forever?”

He feels trapped.

Have you ever felt trapped like this in a sexless relationship?

I have. I even went to a sex addiction therapist at one point in my marriage.

Maybe I’m a sex addict, I thought. I didn’t understand why my sexual desire was so much greater than my wife’s. I wanted to get it checked out.

“No,” he said after 30 minutes. “You’re just a normal guy with healthy sexual impulses.”

Whew! I thought, relieved. But when I looked at the problem (of my sexless marriage) again, I thought, Damn, now what do I do?

What can you do when your sex life flatlines?

Well, in my case, I tried to talk more with my wife. I tried to connect more with her.

This seemed like a reasonable strategy, considering I typically heard her say to me, “I need to be connected emotionally with you before I can have sex with you.”

And to her, that meant talking. Lots of it.

But the problem was that often at night, when we went to bed, I had little mental energy to talk. I just wanted to love her. I just wanted touch and intimacy, at the very least, and sex, at the very best.

But she wasn’t budging.

What’s a guy to do when his partner won’t budge?

Step one. Stop giving all your power away to her.

Do not spin off your partner. Trying to please her. Trying to make her happy. Thinking if she’ll just trust me enough, she’ll let me back in — as in back into her vagina.

This is a losing approach. And it will keep you stuck. I know. I’ve seen many guys fail this way and perpetuate the feeling of being trapped.

Instead, do this. Focus on yourself. Not her. Get clear on the impact of the sexless relationship on you.

How’s it impact your sense of your manhood? Your sense of your self-esteem?

I know that’s hard stuff to look at. But the real trap is the powerlessness you feel in not being able to change things in your relationship.

In the video below, I speak to this trap of feeling powerless, how to get out of it, and how to go directly after what you want. Check it out.

But if you’re not willing to try a new approach, it’s better to not watch this. It’ll only annoy you.

What if the trap wasn’t really what you thought it was? 

Well, you’d be on your way to getting free, instead of what I see a lot of men do.

And that is tightening the trap, digging in their feet and saying, she’s the problem, she won’t have sex with me.

And yet, when I talk with these men and they’re open to looking at themselves, they see quickly that this approach is a way of hiding out from themselves. A way of staying stuck, instead of acting to make change in their relationship.

And that is the major difference between guys that I work with who make change in their relationships and the guys who don’t. The willingness to actually do something about it — not just dabble in information.

If you’re that rare guy ready to get out of the trap of a sexless relationship, join a group of like-minded men, going after what they want in relationship.

Join our next “Men’s Relationship Tools” call on Tuesdays at 9am mtn time. It’s a great place to get custom advice on your personal relationship situation.

And if things are really tense now with your partner, shoot me a quick email.

Life is short. Free yourself from the trap of a sexless relationship now. You deserve that.

The post I Feel Trapped In A Sexless Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

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