Not even sex or connection just kindness.

It seems like a low bar and the least he can expect from his wife of 15 years.

Instead, he gets degradation, denigration, and verbal abuse.

Do you experience verbal abuse from your wife?

Rob struggled to identify it as verbal abuse upfront.

“She just flips out on me. Often I don’t why. She says I’m selfish. All I think about is myself. I’ve tried not to personalize it. But she’s worn me down. That’s why I finally reached out to you,” he said.

He was admitting that after much patience and time, it was clear that she was being abusive.

How do you know if your wife’s behavior is abusive?

One way to know, which I speak to in the video below, is having a baseline of comparison in a more neutral setting, for instance, at work.

If someone told you at work that you were flawed as a man or incompetent, you probably would pause and say, “hey, that’s not ok.”

In the intimate container of marriage or relationship, where so many emotions are online, it can be more challenging to identify what’s abuse or not.

We tolerate so much to keep a marriage alive.

Do you experience your wife’s criticisms as a flaw of your character?

If so, chances are you’re in a “compassion conundrum.”

You’re trying to be compassionate and sensitive to your wife, but you also feel the attack in how she speaks to you – her angry tone, her snide facial expressions, her choice of words.

I say to Rob, “You want to stay compassionate to her. And you want to stand up for yourself.”

Rob nods.

“But…. you don’t know how to do that without making things worse.”

“Exactly,” he says.

How can you be compassionate to your wife and protect yourself from her abuse at the same time?

In the video below, learn what I taught Rob – the source of her abusive behavior and how to stay strong and relational in the face of it.

Do you want to get out of the cycle of verbal abuse with your wife?

If so, you’ll have to take some risks. One such risk is to rock the boat with her.

Rocking the boat could mean making it clear to her that you’re open to the “what” of her words but the “how” must change.”

It could mean setting a clear boundary when her tone reaches a certain pitch.

It could mean noticing when you’re maxed and need to take a pause from an interaction.

Ultimately, it means you taking care of yourself, so you to stay in the marriage to create the change you seek.

Rob took this risk and transformed his wife’s hostility into kindness over the course of three months working with me.

But before taking that risk, he took a first step. He clicked the link below. You can too.

Shoot me a quick email and let’s talk to see what risks you need to take to transform your marriage.

The post How To Deal With A Verbally Abusive Wife appeared first on Stuart Motola.

He has a lot of responsibility at work and answers to many people, including, most of all, his board.

It’s a high-pressure gig and one that he thrives on with great success. He experiences confidence and inner authority at work.

But, and you may know where this is going, at home, that confidence and authority is in limited supply.

His wife is very unimpressed with his success. And Doug feels unappreciated for all that he does.

Do you feel unappreciated by your wife or partner?

If so, maybe you share the same condition as Doug.

In a nutshell, he struggled with a condition that can be diagnosed with seven words. A condition reflected in something Doug asked me.

“How come I can be so solid at work and so unstable in myself at home?” Doug asked.

“Different set of competencies,” I said.

“OK,” he said. “Say more.”

“At work, you know what you need to do. You trained for years. You went to college and got an MBA. You’ve worked in your field for 20 years.”

He nodded his head in agreement.

“What are your credentials when it comes to relationship?” I asked him.

“Where’d you go to school? Where’d you train?”

He looked at me, eyes wide open. “Oh shit,” he said. “I see where you’re going with this.”

Were you educated on how to do relationship well?

Like Doug, chances are you were not. And so it’s possible that you have the same condition as Doug.

At work, while valuing other team members’ opinions, he also had clear thoughts and insights of his own.

If a business redirection plan came to him, he could assess it and know where he stood.

But at home, he let his wife take the reins on everything – the kids, the house, and the relationship.

He didn’t have much insight or perspective. He was a bit M.I.A.

As a result, when it came to values and beliefs around relationship, his wife held most of the cards.

Do you give your wife the power in your relationship?

In order to see if this was true, I gave Doug this 7-word question.

Is my she-esteem greater than my self-esteem?

Ask yourself. Is it true? Maybe you don’t even know what that means.

Check out the video below to discover how those seven words can enhance your confidence and authority in your relationship.

Do you feel like your wife or partner holds most of the cards in your relationship?

Instead of struggling, I invite you to attain a clear understanding of the man you want to be in relationship.

Join me this September for a deep dive, replete with comfortable accommodations, beautiful mountain views, and killer hot tubs, in the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains just outside Asheville, North Carolina.

The Confident Man’s Path In Relationship Retreat will transform how you approach your relationship.

— Join me, Brent Skidmore, and Giles Carwyn for a deep dive experience in the picturesque Blue Ridge Mountains just outside Asheville, North Carolina. We will guide 12 men to step into action to become confident and relationally-empowered men with their partners.

If you…

Are challenged in your marriage or relationship
Walk on eggshells with your partner
Or struggle to show up authentically and confident

…this retreat is for you.

In a gorgeous mountain setting, we will help you uncover and transform the story that you tell yourself about your relationship in order to create a more loving, fulfilling, and empowered union.

Check out the full retreat details.

Or shoot me a quick email to talk further about any aspect of your relationship.

I’d be honored to hear from you.

The post 7 Words To Build Your Self-Confidence In Your Relationship appeared first on Stuart Motola.

She says, I don’t listen.

And she says, I’m not present.

Any guy knows that his wife is a master at picking apart who he is and what he doesn’t do.

So much so, unlike anyone else in his life, that it’s her superpower or maybe better said, her shadow power.

And while many of us guys are willing to look at ourselves and see if there’s truth in what she says, there’s typically another part of us that just wants her to get off our back.

And that part specializes in the big B word. You got it. Blame.

Do you blame your wife for her problems with you?

You might be doing it but not be aware of it. You might not actually be blaming her with words.

But if you feel any sense of injustice in how she acts, chances are it comes across to her in ways you’re unaware of.

In the tone of your voice.

Or in the occasional snide comment.

Even in how you throw up your hands and say, “Whatever.”

Or in an unspoken desire to run and get out of the room from her criticisms.

If this is you, I empathize. I feel it too.

“Can’t she ever just be happy?” I’ve often wondered.

And yet in those words is blame. And in the blame, you’re merely confirming that you’re not enough for her.

So while one part of you is trying to be a good guy, a better man for her, another part of you also wants to blame and run from her.

These are top-level dynamics, important to recognize.

But underneath there is a lot of other stuff going on inside of a man, or any person for that matter.

These are the levers that control an individual’s desire to blame, run, throw up his hands, fix, please, or whatever you do with her.

Get to those levers and instead of feeling victimized by her, you’ll get to a position of empowerment to create the marriage you want.

Are you aware of the deeper levers dictating how you experience your marriage?

In the video below I talk about 3 key levers, also known as compensating behaviors, that men typically engage in.

Check it out to understand how those levers put you in a position to blame your wife and how understanding them will put you in a position to create the marriage you want.

Compensating behaviors are unconscious. You don’t even know you’re doing them. Or how they’re poisoning your relationship.

While it’s easy to put the blame on your wife, you’re in a much more powerful position to create the marriage you want when you own your own behaviors.

I often like to say, “When one person evolves, the other person is more compelled to evolve as well.”

Own your behaviors, empower yourself, and create the marriage you want. She’ll love you 10x for it.

Are you ready to empower yourself and create the marriage you want?

Take the first step and let’s have a quick chat.

A guaranteed, powerful conversation to help you get the upper hand on your marriage. I’d be honored to hear from you.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest, real conversation between two guys. No sales pitch. To get started, shoot me a quick email.

And for the many women wanting to learn more about men, here is a special link for you women.

Lastly for the men who aren’t ready to talk 1:1 and still want to transform their marriage, check out the Men’s Relationship School for free.

It’s a great way to get to know me if you’re interested in coaching but not quite ready yet to shoot me an email.

The post Stop Blaming Her & Start Empowering Yourself appeared first on Stuart Motola.

You didn’t do A, B, or C so many years ago, she says, then you didn’t do it again last week. You’re careless and all you think about is yourself and you’ll never change.

Do you wonder, how did we end up here again?

Well, you ended up here again because you went into your reptilian brain. That place of fight, flight or freeze.

It’s that part of you that struggles to create a better outcome when conflict happens. And in that moment, language and thought get hijacked. You might even wonder.

Why’s it feel like she’s talking circles around me?

You know, that moment in conflict when you can’t figure out what she’s really saying. Something about the kids and the dishes and… etc.

The number of guys I talk to who feel like their wives talk circles around them is enormous.

What is it about us guys that our brains freeze when our wife goes off?

It’s as if, in that moment, she has a superior command with words and all our awesome mental abilities in the board room, the engineering lab, and the client meeting suddenly disappear from us.

Why is it that she is able to strip away all of our superpowers in minutes?

Well, science has shown us that when you’re in your reptilian brain, also known as the limbic system, your language skills go to hell.

In that moment, you are in a movie that’s being directed by someone else.

Who is directing your movie?

It’s an old version of you, a jacked up younger version of yourself. It could be the boy who’s getting yelled at by his mother or father. It could be the kid who got bullied in school.

Whoever it is, I want you to be in full command of your powers as an empowered adult man. And to get there, you have to know this one thing.

When you’re hooked, triggered, or jacked up, your brain can only handle so much linguistic input. The circuitry gets easily scrambled.

As a result, you need a very simple strategy to get back to your thinking brain.

The brain that can say in a heated moment, “Wait a minute, I don’t wanna do this again, let’s do this differently. We know where this goes.”

As your cognitive abilities are limited when you’re in your reptilian brain, simplicity is key. As such, I want you to remember this one word.

So what is that one word to keep you keep you cool in conflict?

I’m going to tell you straight up. But if you want a better understanding of this down-the-rabbit-hole dynamic and how to stop it, I invite you to check out the video below.

Ok so here’s that one word and what stops a man from using it.

You can remember one word, right?

It’s so damn simple, you’re gonna be like, really?

And that word is….. (drumroll, please) …

PAUSE!

Yes, it’s that simple. PAUSE.

And pause leads to the next word – TIMEOUT!

That’s right. You have to stop the interaction. Take a TIMEOUT. And that means getting out of the part of you that feels like you have to answer to every little thing she says.

Get in front of that part of you that fears being shamed, being told that you’re wrong when you believe that you’re right. That part of you that doesn’t want to let her down.

Behind those mechanisms is something else, another word. PRIDE! And dare I call it… FALSE PRIDE!

But wait a minute, Stuart, I’ve been taking her shit for years, and you’re telling me I should lay over and play dead.

I’m not telling you that you should do anything. You get to decide from the data you’re getting from your current interactions with your wife.

What is the data you get from your current interactions with your wife?

If the data says, it ain’t so good, then consider this next tip, to get to a better relationship.

It’s a huge thing I often talk about, in addition to the PAUSE.

Consider this now that you’re in your thinking brain. And see if you can remember it before the next conflict with your wife is about to boil up.

I WOULD RATHER BE CONNECTED TO YOU THAN BE RIGHT.

Connection is much more fulfilling than being right. It’s only your pride that would tell you otherwise.

If you’ve been married for any length of time, you know this to be true. And you know that trying to be right spins you down the same old rabbit hole of conflict.

Let’s face it, you want to keep the peace, you want things to be fluid. AND you want to maintain your dignity. Note, I did not say pride.

Do you get steamrolled as a price for peace with your wife?

If so, that’s not dignity. That’s subservience and it keeps you weak. It’s a form of pleasing and actually loses you connection.

Staying connected does not mean you cut off your arm. It doesn’t mean you say, yes, honey, you’re right.

What it does mean is you say, yes, honey, I hear you are saying A, B, C. Note, you never said, “you’re right, honey.” You witness her, let her know she’s been heard. That’s it.

Above all else, remember PAUSE to get past your reptilian brain and then you have a chance to get to BEING CONNECTED INSTEAD OF BEING RIGHT. And that alone will radically change the quality of your marriage.

And to be straight up, for some of you guys, after years of destructive patterns, it’s just not that simple. You need to go deeper and look under those shadowy places that have had you sabotaging a good marriage for years.

Do you want to create a solid fulfilling relationship with your wife?

If so, join a group of men asking these same questions in my next Men’s Relationship Tools zoom call this Tuesday at 9am MST.

Can’t make it Tuesday? All good. Get daily relationship tips and action items in my private men’s only Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship.

The post The ONE WORD That Can Save Your Ass When You’re Losing Your Shit With Your Partner appeared first on Stuart Motola.