You check it when you can. But every once in a while, you get lazy. You go to make that lane change, without checking your blind spot…

And then BAM! You smash into something. And you realize, it was that damn blind spot.

What the hell does this have to do with my relationship?

Well, you have a blind spot in your relationship as well.

Consider this. You’re having a nice time with your wife, sharing a meal, maybe a glass of wine, you say something, and then BAM! She starts freaking out.

And you’re left wondering, how the hell did we get here again?

Why are we talking about the way I treated your mother from four years ago?

What the hell is really going on here, honey?

You may also be thinking, can’t we just forget about all that shit from four years ago?

Can’t we just love each other and move on?

But you don’t say that because you know that would just be like throwing fuel on the fire.

You know how she is. No, she can’t forget. She’s always rehashing the past. And then she gets personal. You’re A, B, or C. You don’t do this. You never…

And afterwards you realize you said something wrong. You got lazy. You got hit in your blind spot.

What was it? Could you even know if you were blind to it?

Regardless, since you’re a good guy, you listen. You try to take responsibility for what you said, for what set her off.

And so you listen and you listen, as she gets A, B, and/or C off her chest.

Eventually, you get lost. You lose her in her words. And you get frustrated because she’s not clear about what she wants you to do with all this stuff she’s telling you.

Have you ever struggled keep up with your wife’s words?

So, you sense you have a blind spot. Something you can’t see. Maybe, you think it’s a disfunction in your brain.

Well, relax, brother. Because she has a blind spot too.

But it may not JUST be a blind spot. It may be a heavy trip that you don’t want to deal with.

And truth be known, if she’s acting out, bullying you, freaking out a lot, or completely withdrawing, it’s likely that it is that something else. That heavy trip that hits you BAM!

And you’re left on the side of the road like roadkill, wondering…

What the hell was that? Why’d she freak? What’d I say?

You feel lost in the moment. Like that cliché clueless dude.

And that’s because what may be really going on is likely something you know little about.

Something nobody taught us about in school. Something that honestly can sound like psychobabble.

Because really, you just want to be happy, have a loving marriage, and have good sex now and then. Ok, maybe you want more? That’s cool.

So what is this heavy trip?

It’s often unresolved trauma.

What is unresolved trauma? How do you know if your partner has it? And what can you do about it?

In this video below, I answer all those questions.

The good news is trauma is treatable. It’s hard work but it can be done.

And to be very clear, I’m not a trauma specialist. I don’t treat it. But I have helped many men identify the condition in their partner to help them get the help they need.

When your wife has unresolved trauma, chances are she creates what I call traumatic reenactments, also known as “drama.”

On one side, it looks like – She freaks out, she blows up, she slams doors. Or on the flip side, she may just shut down and withdraw or retreat.

Does your wife blow up or go invisible on you?

If so, get educated about the signs of unresolved trauma and help her get help.

Chances are you may just be the trigger that gets her going off of old unresolved stuff. And that can suck.

To get things out in the open, start talking about them, that’s the key to freedom.

You may be in that space of misery right now, if your wife has unresolved trauma.

And most importantly, don’t go it alone. Connect with a bunch of guys talking about this stuff out in the open in my next Men’s Relationship Tools call this Tuesday at 9am MST.

And lastly, check out daily relationship tips and action items in my private men’s only Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship.

The post How To Know If Your Wife Has Unresolved Trauma And What To Do About It appeared first on Stuart Motola.

From the outside, you’d have no idea that inside that beautiful house, his beautiful wife was…well, not so beautiful.

In truth, she was a bully. She consistently reprimanded and demeaned Tim.

Are you in a relationship with an abusive woman? 

Sometimes it’s hard to know. The word abusive has a stigma. Maybe instead you just think, she’s feisty or strong-willed or she had a hard childhood.

It’s especially hard to identify abuse when you’re in what I call the DIZ, the ‘deep intimacy zone’ of primary relationship.

That zone where love blurs in with your partner’s worst behaviors and where it’s hard to see things clearly.

Was Tim’s wife abusive when she called him a liar?

She said he could not be trusted to do what he said.

After doing 9 of 10 things on a ‘honey-do’ list he recently agreed to, she harped on him for the one thing he missed.

Do you get chastised by your partner for what you don’t do, instead of appreciated for what you do?

If so, maybe you can relate to Tim. A man trying do his best for his partner when nothing ever seemed to be good enough for her.

Tim was at a loss as to how to change the dynamic with his wife.

To help him, I asked him this question that I’d like to ask you as well.
Is your “she-worth” greater than your self-worth?

When I asked Tim, he looked at me mystified. And so I clarified.

Is your worth in her eyes more important to you than your worth in your own eyes?

If Tim were honest, he’d have said yes to my question. But his manly pride said no.

This discrepancy is something I see often with men I work with, like Tim, who are financially successful and maritally distressed.

In the real world, a man can’t reveal his weakness. But he can reveal his beliefs.

Tim soon revealed one such belief. “A good man makes his woman happy,” he said.

What he didn’t say was… even if that means giving up his identity, integrity, well-being, or his sense of self-worth.

But trust me, Tim didn’t know that he was doing this. Like many men, he was doing it unconsciously.

And that is precisely why I hear from so many men in their 40’s and 50’s, confused and disoriented after years of marriage, asking themselves, “How did I get here?”
And by here, they mean, not knowing who the hell I am with my own wife.

It’s that classic Talking Heads “Once In A Lifetime” moment.

And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife.
And you may ask yourself, “Well… how did I get here?”

So, how did you get here?

I’ll tell you how. I know because I was there once too.

Briefly stated, you forgot who you were. You deferred to your partner for your sense of worth and identity.

No shame. I did it, as described in my Amazon #1 best-selling book “Fixing You Is Killing Me.”

“How DID I get here?

“I sat blank for several seconds, shocked and stunned, in a state of disbelief. I considered all that I was doing: running a successful business, being a ‘good man,’ stepping up for my wife and family.

“I had slipped into pathological altruism and forgotten my dreams. I didn’t even know what they were anymore. I felt hollow in the pit of my stomach. Something was terribly wrong with how I had navigated my life. How could this be?”

Just like me, Tim had given up his sense of self-worth for his “she-worth.” This is an unconscious form of self-crucifixion.

For me and for many men, self-crucifixion is a manly badge of honor.

I don’t need no stinkin’ well-being.
I don’t need no stinkin’ self-worth.
I just need to suck it up, be a man, love my woman, and keep my family together.

The problem is this doesn’t serve you, your partner, or your family.

You can honor your manly instincts to serve, protect, and love your partner and family without giving up who you are.

Are you curious to know if you crucify yourself to stay in relationship with an abusive woman?

Discover if so in the video below and learn what you can do differently to reconfigure that dynamic.

Working with me, Tim turned his marriage around by:

• Developing his own self-esteem independent of his wife’s esteem.
• Setting healthy boundaries when he experienced her behavior as abusive.
• Turning her complaints into requests.

Tim was that rare breed of man who admitted he needed help and took the initiative to get it, unlike most guys who fear getting help is a stain on their manhood.

And Tim started with one simple action. He sent me a quick email. And working together, he became accountable to transform old patterns into new behaviors that created the marriage he ultimately wanted.

Do you want to transform your marriage?

Shoot me a quick email. Let’s explore what’s possible for you.

Not ready to talk? No worries. Join the men’s relationship conversation in my Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship.

The post Do You Crucify Yourself To Stay In Relationship With An Abusive Woman? appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Fear of not being enough for her.
Fear of letting her down.
Fear of not making her happy.

I’ve seen all kinds of fears from guys during years of coaching men in their relationships.

And the biggest thing I teach guys is this…

It’s not her that you need to focus on, to get past your fears, but you.

Your sense of you. Who you are. And how fear has infiltrated your identity as a man with your partner.

Do you ever say to yourself, I can’t do anything right with her?

If you said yes, then you’ve bought into her story of who you are.

And that’s a man who can’t do anything right with her.

And this dynamic of giving up your identity, your sense of who you for her, weakens you as a man.

It makes you less desirable, less attractive, and less powerful to create the relationship you ultimately want.

For years, I’ve seen men buy into the belief that they can make their partner happy by betraying themselves. And through this belief, they end up in a lot of misery.

They end up fragmented and split apart inside by two polarizing forces.

One force that says, I need to be someone else for her. And another that knows being someone else other than who you are, for anyone, is a booby trap.

And when a man is in the first force, he says things like…

“Tell me what you want. I’ll do anything to make you happy.”

Have you ever said that to your partner?

If so, I invite you to take a moment and self-reflect.

What was running you in that moment?

Fear.

How does a man get past his fears of not being enough for his partner?
How does he not let fear run him?
How does he not give up who he is for her?

Check out this short video to discover how to be fearless in your relationship.

Ultimately, fear in your relationship is an opportunity.

It’s a way of getting strong. It’s a way of finding out who you are as a man and what you really stand for.

To face that fear, you need courage.

Courage defined not as the absence of fear but acting in the face of it.

Join a group of men doing just that this Tuesday at 9am MT.

The post How to Be Fearless With Her appeared first on Stuart Motola.