Watching the game. Making the stuffing. Carving the turkey. Eating until we’re stuffed.

Black Friday. Preparing for Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanza. Exchanging gifts. Being with loved ones.

Planning for New Year’s. The big night out or the big party. Resolutions, anyone?

It’s a time of social commitments, family gatherings, work parties. Lots of mingling.

And in the background, the deep freeze of winter hums. And during the longest nights of the year, we may even go dark on ourselves – in an effort to just try to get through it all.

But pause a minute.

Right now before it all starts, ask yourself:

• What do I really want from this time of year?
• Do I just want to get through it all?
• Or do I want something more?

Maybe there are a few people you really want to cherish, truly express gratitude. How might you do that? Through words, a card, a sharing of how you feel?

Or maybe showing up perfunctorily at Thanksgiving dinner is just fine. Tolerance is a virtue, is it not?

Maybe you want to expand love to others, get past your old resentments or functional ways.

What is the intention you bring to the holidays? Is it enough to just be grateful to be alive?

The holidays are a sort of birth canal. We get through it all and come out into the New Year. In a sense, we are all the Baby New Year.  Some of us come out, relieved, and others, saddened.

What if it was different this year? What if, instead, you brought conscious intention to it all? Do you have a story you need to challenge, of how things will be?

Consider the questions below.

• Will you buy gifts connected to your desire to give? Or a desire to check off tasks?
• Will New Year’s be meaningful or unconscious?

Now’s your chance before it all starts, to consider it.  It can be a tough time of year. Or a meaningful one. Ultimately, we decide.

This is self-relationship. Your true power.

Move into action and shoot me a quick email.

And if you’re more of a group guy, consider checking out the Men’s Relationship Tools where I am helping men step into action to enhance sex, passion, trust, and confidence in their relationship.

The post A Conscious Holiday appeared first on Stuart Motola.

“And I feel like I have to take it on. I’m that guy, you know, who fixes it.

“And to be honest, I’m tired of it. It seems like it never stops. Whether it’s about the kids, her work, my behavior. She’s freaking hysterical most of the time.”

Are you married to an overly emotional woman?

Like my client Robert, you can feel like you have to take on your wife’s problems and emotions. You know, you’re a good guy. You want to make things right.

And at the same time, you may think, I wish she’d just calm the F down.

It’s super hard when you feel like your wife gets worked up easily about stuff.

Whether it’s the kids not listening or a problem at their school or with friends. She can act like the world is collapsing around her.

Does your wife make a big deal out of little stuff?

At a loss for what to do, a lot of guys go into fixer mode.

Well, the problem is fixing doesn’t work well with her, as you may have noticed. It certainly did not work well for Robert.

And instead of enjoying his marriage with his wife, Robert felt like his marriage was just a royal pain in the ass.

Often, he felt split. Separated between a part of him that honestly didn’t want to deal with his wife and her drama anymore. And a part that wanted to be a loving husband, a good guy who could show up as best he could.

But nothing ever seemed to be enough for her.

Is nothing ever enough for your wife?

Let’s face it, it doesn’t help but we hear it often – women are just more emotional than men.

Great, you might say to yourself, I know that, but what the hell am I supposed to do with that information?

If you’re like me, you don’t just want information, you want action. You want to be able to help her to chill out. You want to get your marriage back.

It makes absolute sense that guys would want a calm, fluid marriage without drama. And like Robert, maybe you try to achieve that by stepping into the storm with your wife.

You want to be that good guy who shows up and is there for her.

What if you could show up with your wife in a way that re-energized your marriage and didn’t drain you?

If you want that, check out the video below to see what Robert did with some simple coaching and accountability.

You see, Robert was that guy who wanted the calm, not the storm, with his wife. But when she went into her normal upset, he took it all on.

Whether it was taking responsibility for stuff with the kids that he didn’t want to deal with or he didn’t even think was a problem in the first place. Or trying to coach his wife to have a better perspective on things. It all failed.

In the midst of it all, Robert experienced a whole range of emotions, and in the attempt to keep calm, he shot himself in the foot and made things worse.

Do you sometimes feel like your efforts to do good backfire on you?

To keep the calm, Robert shut down his emotions. So of course, he did a version of that with his wife.

And trying to fix her like she was a problem backfired on him. In fact, it made his wife resentful. And that got him even more jacked up.

Do you allow your wife to get you jacked up?

Paradoxically, doing so is a form of empathy. It’s unconscious. We think that if we can take things on, we are being a good guy. But it’s not what we ultimately want.

The truth is the best way to stay calm and confident is to stop putting yourself in front of the train wreck and instead, stand to the side of it.

Get a little bit of distance. So you can stay in your bold and calm center.

Do you want to be the force of calm in your marriage?

If so, let’s explore what’s possible for you. Shoot me a quick email.

And if you’re not ready to talk 1:1, check out the NEW Men’s Relationship School (formerly Men’s Relationship Tools) to learn how to…

• BE AN EMPOWERED MAN in a fulfilling relationship with an empowered woman.
• HAVE A STRONG BACKBONE with her to get respect and love.
• GET PAST YOUR FEARS of her freak outs and stay bold and calm in the heat of conflict.

Also included will be…

• BRIEF RECORDINGS OF WEEKLY CALLS to inspire you into “wise action” in your relationship.
• WEEKLY ACTION ITEMS to keep you accountable to create what you want with your partner.
• OPPORTUNITIES FOR PERSONAL CONNECTION with other men also seeking to get out of the relationship “suck zone.”

Can’t make the call? No problem. Join my men’s-only private Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship for inspiring daily relationship tips and action items.

The post How To Deal With A Hysterical Wife appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Up front, people tend to think CEO’s have it made. They’ve achieved success. They’ve made their money. But the reality is they’re humans, just like you and me.

Tom, a CEO client of mine, had success at work. He was highly valued. He had a great team. As the leader of a software company, he got a lot of respect and trust.

But at home, it was a totally different story.

Do you feel valued at work but not at home?

If so, you have a lot in common with Tom.

On the job, all day long, Tom runs a large organization. Like many of us hard-working guys, he’s got a lot on his plate.

And when he comes home after work, he just wants a simple hello from his wife.

Is a simple hello too much to ask from your wife?

But what he gets instead is apathy. She doesn’t even acknowledge him most of the time. Whether she’s on the phone, glued to Instagram, making dinner, it’s the same.

Man, this really gets under his skin. And he feels righteous that he shouldn’t have to ask for something as simple as a hello.

So, he gripes and moans about it. But that doesn’t get him what he wants.

Underneath that hello is a desire for an acknowledgement of his efforts, for his family, for her, and for all that he supports.

More than a hello, Tom wants connection, respect, and kindness from his wife. But he doesn’t get it because he clams up and withdraws, fearing rejection again, as has been his prior track record.

The crazy thing is all day long he can effectively ask a lot of things of people at work, but at home, he’s a different man. Dare I say, a wimp.

Do you struggle to ask your wife for what you want?

Maybe like Tom, you feel invisible to her.

A lot of guys retreat and think. F*#k it. I shouldn’t have to ask for such simple things like respect or trust.

They internalize a belief that she’s the problem. She’s not open. She’s always busy. I’m last on her list.

But what if the problem wasn’t her and it was you?

Maybe, like Tom, all you want is a simple hello when you come home from work.

Or you want her to be open with you, inquisitive, desirous of connection. Hell, even just ask about your day in a way that’s not functional.

Maybe you want occasional affection, touch, physical connection.

Is touch too much for a guy to ask for?

Of course not. So why doesn’t he ask for it?

“Oh, I’ve tried. She’s too busy. She doesn’t like to be touched.”

Guys, even successful guys like Tom, can be full of excuses when it comes to their wives. Why is that?

I’ll tell you why. And it’s central to the one question I referred to earlier. A question I’ll ask you.

While guys like Tom may be confident and authoritative at work, they come home and regress into a younger, disempowered part of themselves.

And from this younger part of himself, a guy makes his wife out to be the problem. In doing so, he puts himself in a weak position.

And he asks for things, if he asks at all, from a needy or demanding place. And that’s a major turn off to his wife.

What if you could go after what you want from your wife with courage and confidence?

In the video below I offer you that one question that will help you go from neediness with your wife to a place of confidence and authority.

In the text below, I speak more about that question.

So, what’s that one question?

It may be a hard question to answer just reading an email. But give it your best shot.

This is something I did with Tom that helped him drastically improve how he asserted himself with his wife.

First, go to a recent memory with your wife, when you wanted to ask something of her and you didn’t, or you did and it didn’t go so well.

Consider that moment of struggle. Maybe it’s still alive for you right now.

What is the biggest thing you struggle to ask for from her? That one thing you really want in your marriage?

Literally, visualize it. Notice how it feels in your body to be in front of her. Maybe you feel vulnerable or uncertain. Notice the thoughts in your mind.

Really, pause, and do it, to get the maximum benefit for yourself.

Now, ask yourself this question.

How old am I?

Answer based on what you feel in your body, in your heart, not your literal age.

Chances are you’re a younger version of yourself. Maybe 8 or 10 or 12 years old.

That’s right. In a moment of marital struggle, most guys regress to a younger, disempowered age. Just like you were as a boy, when you had little control or influence over the adults around you, and you felt helpless.

Most of us grew up in this childhood reality and we unconsciously carried it into our marriages.

Who’s running you with her – the boy or the man?

This question – How old am I? – tells you instantly.

The boy is whiney and needy. The man is calm and confident.

The boy is sad and mopey. The man is problem-solving and productive.

How do you get what you want from your wife?

Come from the place of the adult.

The man. He’s not needy, he’s just clear. He doesn’t worry about the impact of his requests on his wife. He’s confident he can deliver it authentically and kindly.

He’s got conviction that he’s worthy to get what he wants. And he’s willing to lead in his marriage.

Separate the boy from the man and you’ll be in a much more empowered position to create the fulfilling marriage you want.

So, you’re in your adult mind now. Now what?

Implement the three key strategies, spoken to in the video above, that the adult man can use to get what he wants from his wife.

Short on time? Save the video link and check it out later.

Getting the maximum value out of this question requires practice, guidance, and accountability. And that’s what I did for Tom.

When his wife saw a confident man in the room, instead of a needy boy, she responded receptively like never before. He got his hellos and much more.

This is what you call a man leading his wife. And that’s sexy as hell to a woman.

Do you want respect, trust, kindness, and love from your wife?

Connect with a bunch of guys talking about this stuff out in the open in my Men’s Relationship Tools call on Tuesdays at 9am MST.

Can’t make it on Tuesdays? No problem. Check out daily relationship tips and action items in my private men’s only Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship.

The post How To Go After What You Want With Your Wife appeared first on Stuart Motola.

You check it when you can. But every once in a while, you get lazy. You go to make that lane change, without checking your blind spot…

And then BAM! You smash into something. And you realize, it was that damn blind spot.

What the hell does this have to do with my relationship?

Well, you have a blind spot in your relationship as well.

Consider this. You’re having a nice time with your wife, sharing a meal, maybe a glass of wine, you say something, and then BAM! She starts freaking out.

And you’re left wondering, how the hell did we get here again?

Why are we talking about the way I treated your mother from four years ago?

What the hell is really going on here, honey?

You may also be thinking, can’t we just forget about all that shit from four years ago?

Can’t we just love each other and move on?

But you don’t say that because you know that would just be like throwing fuel on the fire.

You know how she is. No, she can’t forget. She’s always rehashing the past. And then she gets personal. You’re A, B, or C. You don’t do this. You never…

And afterwards you realize you said something wrong. You got lazy. You got hit in your blind spot.

What was it? Could you even know if you were blind to it?

Regardless, since you’re a good guy, you listen. You try to take responsibility for what you said, for what set her off.

And so you listen and you listen, as she gets A, B, and/or C off her chest.

Eventually, you get lost. You lose her in her words. And you get frustrated because she’s not clear about what she wants you to do with all this stuff she’s telling you.

Have you ever struggled keep up with your wife’s words?

So, you sense you have a blind spot. Something you can’t see. Maybe, you think it’s a disfunction in your brain.

Well, relax, brother. Because she has a blind spot too.

But it may not JUST be a blind spot. It may be a heavy trip that you don’t want to deal with.

And truth be known, if she’s acting out, bullying you, freaking out a lot, or completely withdrawing, it’s likely that it is that something else. That heavy trip that hits you BAM!

And you’re left on the side of the road like roadkill, wondering…

What the hell was that? Why’d she freak? What’d I say?

You feel lost in the moment. Like that cliché clueless dude.

And that’s because what may be really going on is likely something you know little about.

Something nobody taught us about in school. Something that honestly can sound like psychobabble.

Because really, you just want to be happy, have a loving marriage, and have good sex now and then. Ok, maybe you want more? That’s cool.

So what is this heavy trip?

It’s often unresolved trauma.

What is unresolved trauma? How do you know if your partner has it? And what can you do about it?

In this video below, I answer all those questions.

The good news is trauma is treatable. It’s hard work but it can be done.

And to be very clear, I’m not a trauma specialist. I don’t treat it. But I have helped many men identify the condition in their partner to help them get the help they need.

When your wife has unresolved trauma, chances are she creates what I call traumatic reenactments, also known as “drama.”

On one side, it looks like – She freaks out, she blows up, she slams doors. Or on the flip side, she may just shut down and withdraw or retreat.

Does your wife blow up or go invisible on you?

If so, get educated about the signs of unresolved trauma and help her get help.

Chances are you may just be the trigger that gets her going off of old unresolved stuff. And that can suck.

To get things out in the open, start talking about them, that’s the key to freedom.

You may be in that space of misery right now, if your wife has unresolved trauma.

And most importantly, don’t go it alone. Connect with a bunch of guys talking about this stuff out in the open in my next Men’s Relationship Tools call this Tuesday at 9am MST.

And lastly, check out daily relationship tips and action items in my private men’s only Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship.

The post How To Know If Your Wife Has Unresolved Trauma And What To Do About It appeared first on Stuart Motola.

And within the not enough script inside of us, subtle psychological mechanisms are at work– in how we repeat old relational patterns, how we sabotage ourselves, and how we neglect our most precious relationships.

Freud called it the thanatos “death drive,” the opposing force to one’s creative life force. Coyote trickster is the analogy in native cultures.

In The King Within, Accessing The King In The Male Psyche, Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette called it “repetition compulsion.”

“By a psychological mechanism termed ‘repetition compulsion,’ our unconscious compels us, even in adulthood, to repeat the childhood traumas we suffered at the hands of our parents. We recapitulate the same relational patterns imprinted on us when we were young, before we had any Ego structure to speak of and before we had developed any defensible psychological boundaries.”

We repeat the hard stuff from childhood. The brother who beat us up, the mother who yelled at us, the teacher who shamed us in front of the class.

We rehash these experiences- the shame, the guilt, and fear – in our most primary relationship where it’s safe and familiar.

Four times a man marries and divorces essentially the same woman, a version of his raging mother.

A woman never develops a significant intimate relationship with a male partner. No man can compare to the amazing love her father gave her when she was a little girl.

A man constantly complains about his wife. She’s this. She’s that. He’s really beating up on his absent mother. It sounds crazy and yet it happens all the time.

This dynamic is described in detail in Harville Hendrix’s book Getting the Love You Want as well as Matt Kahn’s YouTube video “Twin Flames or Soulmates.”

Buddhists call it Samsara, repeating the cycle of suffering. Consider it your soul’s contract with your spouse.

A way of completing the unfinished business of childhood; to heal in adulthood what was broken in us as children.

It is why we come together in partnership –for growth—but only if we are willing to become conscious of the pattern. And when we don’t, our relationship blows up on us.

If you were abandoned as a child, you will likely choose an emotionally absent partner. 

If you grew up with a domineering parent, you may choose an overly assertive partner, or, conversely, take on the dominating role and seek out a partner as a doormat.

We unconsciously choose a partner who will do these old replays with us. And then we wonder why we have the same fights with our partners over and over.

This is our soul’s attempt to get whole. Until we see our patterns, we hurt the way we’ve been hurt and project the way we were once projected on.

Unconscious to this dynamic, to survive, we put on masks and armor our hearts with shields of complacency, apathy and even cynicism.

We resign ourselves to stories like: He’ll never change, I’ll never be happy, or That’s just how he is. And our hearts feel the cost in diminished love, sparse connection, and sometimes estrangement.

A man wakes up panicked at 3am, staring at his wife of 20 years, wondering, who is this woman I’ve been married to forever? What he’s not asking is – Who have I become with this person?

Is this you waking up at 3am?
Or someone you know?
Get help today.

Dig this? Check out my book from which it’s an excerpt.

The post Repeating The Same Old Shit With Your Spouse appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Mark looks up to the heavens, as if he’ll find the word there. He’s 51.

“It’s happening with me and Felicia. I’m not sure what to call it. It’s… a lining up of sorts. Love… and yet something else…” He looks up again.

“It’s like she knows what I’m thinking. Not like seeing into my brain or anything creepy like that.

“More like when I say something… and then she responds… it’s like we speak the same language. But it’s different, you know. She has her feminine wise-woman way of saying things.

“And it expands me. The connection I feel in those moments. It’s like a part of me lives in her. The tone of her voice. The way she speaks.

“The other day, we driving on the highway… Well, I was driving, going 75, and there was a bend on the road. We had a drink or two prior.

“And I asked her, after we came out of the bend, if she felt nervous at all with me driving as I was. You know what she said?”

I shake my head.

“She blew me away. She said, ‘I trust that you love yourself enough to not put me in danger.’”

He goes silent, a smile emerging on his face.

“Isn’t that cool?” he says.

I nod.

“It’s things like that. I feel bigger in her presence. We have this… again the word escapes me.” He looks up. The skies fail him once more.

“Congruence,” I say.

“Yes,” he says.

And soon our time is up.

Congruence, it’s a word many of us first learned in 7^th grade geometry. Two figures or objects of the same shape and size, as if the mirror image of the other.

The mirror image of the other. It’s what people, my clients included, say they are seeking in relationship.

“If only I could find someone who likes Dave Matthews, Black Eyed Peas, enjoys fine dining…”

“If only I could find someone just like me.”

In both, the sentiment is the same.  Be more like me, so that I can love you.

Neither is congruence. The first is a wish list. The second is narcissism.

Congruence is often mistaken for conformity, allegiance, and yes, even obedience.

We imagine that if someone would just change or show up in the right configuration, we’d have the perfect partner.

Congruence is much bigger and expansive. Think communication, harmony, connection, compatibility, Eros, rapport, and the ability to repair after conflict.

All are key to having an energized and fulfilling partnership. So then, how does congruence happen in relationship?

First, each person begins cultivating congruence within themselves. To begin to live in integrity with their values, beliefs, desires, wants, and life vision.

A congruent person doesn’t spend years in a relationship or marriage, hoping their partner will conform to their desires.

A congruent person would sooner risk losing their partner than demanding they become someone they are not.

“I love you so much that I want you to be you, authentically one hundred percent, even if that means losing you.”

This is Mark and Felicia’s backstory.  Two people in their early fifties, who have lived through a lot of relationship experience.

And in the years since their marriages ended, they worked hard on themselves to avoid repeating prior relational patterns.

They know the simple rule – To cultivate congruence in relationship, you must first begin to cultivate it within yourself.

Whether you’re in a twenty year old marriage or in no relationship at all, you can work on cultivating congruence in yourself or your relationship now. Just ask yourself…

• Am I clear in who I am – my values, desires, beliefs, life vision?
• Am I clear in what I want from relationship?
• What are my absolute yes’s?  My non-negotiable no’s?
• Am I mature enough to communicate them to my partner in a loving way?
• To  navigate relationship as an intimate adult partnership and not just a list of childish demands?

“Hmmm…” Mark says to me in our next session. “Yeah, it’s like we just line up right. We’ve both lived a lot. As if we lived it all, to be together now.”

The post I Trust You To Keep Me Safe appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Come with me.
I will free you.
Lead you home.

Be your beacon.
Be your light.
I will see you.

Who speaks?
When you go deep into your heart…
When you touch the place within…
Where you are no longer willing to hide?

When your heart aches to be heard…
When you withhold your precious you…
From your beloved, from the world, from yourself?

Who speaks?
When you come out of the dark…
When you feel what you’ve feared…
When you let down your guard?

When you depart from answers…
When you trust pain as a guide…
From the beyond?

When you risk?
When you open?
When you are there for you?

Come out, timid you.
Be seen. Just this once.
This is not a trick.

I have been waiting for you.
I am an ally, a friend, a lover.
A beacon of light.

I am you.
You are me.
We’ve always been.

In the air of our lungs.
In the oxygen we breathe.
In the life force of “we.”

You stay connected to you.
I to me.
And together we’ll know.

It’s good to come home
To the parts of us
That we’ve locked up for so long.

It’s good to come home to you, my beloved.

—-

Inspired by my past week spent at Planet Bluegrass’ “The Song School” in Lyons, CO, a songwriting retreat and multi-day workshop.  

For four days, 175 of us shared our love of music and songwriting. We did it together, supporting one another in our collective passion. For many of us, it felt like home. 

A place stripped of ego, competition, and judgement. A place without concern for — Who’s got an audience? Who’s making it?

We relaxed into a community of fellow human beings. We forged relationships that may have otherwise been obstructed. We came home to ourselves and one another.

The post Unlock Your Precious Heart appeared first on Stuart Motola.

I was in a really dark place, about 10 days ago. Anxiety, panic, depression. A sense of the bottom torn out from under me. A hysterical undercurrent of – Would I live?

I’m undergoing a big transitional time in my life. Unwinding foundational pieces from the last 17 years. Ways of making a living. Financial security. Identity unravelling.

In this dark place, I felt ashamed to have forgotten things I knew, things about which I had written, upon having undergone a similar rupture several years ago when I left a 20 year marriage.

“In crises, we have the opportunity to grow and enter a new vision of life.”

In that rock bottom place 10 days ago, I had absolute amnesia. I couldn’t see the light. I felt trapped by my life’s circumstance, at least my perception of them.

Reading my own words helped. But what got me there first, was a voice within that said…

This is great – you can’t go much lower, only up.

It can’t get any worse, only better.

And just remembering my access to my light, something shifted. I knew then —  I did not have to divide against myself.  I ceased self judgements like – What’s wrong with me? How have I failed?

From years of training, I knew I could make friends with fear and anxiety. In fact, I could commit to the truth of my experience of fear and anxiety. That meant residing in sensation, not story. I stopped thinking… and felt.

It hurt a lot.

But soon, the undercurrent of – Will I live? – lightened, and I came back home to myself. Over the next few days, suffering began to diminish.

I share this because it is the core of my work — to relieve suffering in the world. To teach others how to turn the light back on in themselves. It’s the work of self-relationship.

And it sets the foundation for fulfilling and energized partnership, which is what I teach. Two people cannot have such a relationship if shadow dominates one or both.

I waited several days before sharing this down cycle with my partner. In part, because I did not want to burden her. But more so, because I was aware that the down cycle was for me.

It was a gift, to be nourished, a space for me to be with myself. A bone to suck the marrow out of. A way for me to be in strong, empowered, healthy self-relationship.

Over the years, I’ve gotten more efficient with fear, anxiety, and depression. Many years ago, this would have lasted weeks, even months.

A lot of people think if you’re coaching others you should be immune to this. The truth is, no one is. It’s just how skillfully we manage it.

Some of us must go into our own poisons to bring back medicine for others. That’s been my path – to enter a deeper layer of poison and medicine.

When I did share with my partner a few days later, she was honored that I trusted her to be seen this way – down, weak, vulnerable. She said I was strong in being weak.  I understood and appreciated her words.

“It just hurts,” I said. And in her arms, I felt hard feelings. Trusting the storm. Sensing the sky would clear.

My partner and I often say to one another things like…

“I trust you to take care of yourself.
That makes me safer with you.
That deepens my trust with you.
I trust you to not disconnect from me when you disconnect from yourself.”

And this speaks to one of the greatest challenges I see in relationships.  Partners disconnect from one another when things get tough. When they are going through hard times. Going it alone, weak, annoyed, even angry.

And in those moments, they lose one another. If only they knew that staying connected would deepen trust.

Staying connected starts with holding one’s self, not dividing with self.  This is Sovereignty. This is healthy, responsible self-relationship. It is the most powerful foundation for solid partnership.

If I’m not connected to me, I can’t be connected to you.

I am grateful I came out of my dark spell. And yet I have no illusions it’s the last of it. But every day, my light grows brighter.

For a quick sovereign practice, check out below.

SOVEREIGN PRACTICE: Befriending Fear to Not Self-Divide

Take a moment alone. Sit somewhere quiet. Take a deep breath.

When you’re ready, think about something in your life right now that you fear. Maybe it’s money or a relationship. Maybe it’s about a lack of or a not having. Feel it for a moment. Notice what happens to you.

Do you judge yourself?
Do you leave yourself?
In this space, could you be available for your partner or a friend?

Now take a breath. Leave thoughts and story and feel physical sensation. Feel the sensation of fear as a shape, a color even. Now breathe through sensation – from head to groin and back up, and again, and again. Take five deep breaths this way. Notice what happens.

A calming maybe. A place to get back to yourself. Stay with that. Come home to yourself.

Note: If when doing this, greater fear comes up, even terror, then take time away and try again another time, when and if ready.

The post The Darkness In Me & How It Affects My Relationship appeared first on Stuart Motola.

“He’s his own man.”

“She’s a powerhouse.”

“You really know how to love.”

It’s that sense of being with someone solid, grounded, and consistent. We know where we stand. We can relax and trust. 

A sovereign partner directs their life and relationship in integrity with their authentic desires, needs and identity.

When we’re not with a sovereign partner, we feel it in mixed messages and childlike dependencies.

        I don’t feel like you love me. 
        You don’t see me completely.

And if you’re not in your own sovereignty (attuned to your own wants and desires), you’ll get roped in. You’ll automatically believe that you’re to blame for not loving or seeing your partner.

It may be true not. How do you know?

Ask yourself…

        Does she see herself?
        Or does she expect me to see all of her?

        Does he communicate clearly his wants and needs?
        Or does he expect me to read his mind?

If the answer is — no, she doesn’t see herself or no, he doesn’t communicate clearly – then you’re clearly in relationship with a non-sovereign partner.

And often it feels like being with someone who is at war with themselves. But… they project that war onto you.

We feel blamed, not enough. We feel the sense of a divided self in them. We’re in the room with this frequency of something’s wrong.

Hell yeah, something’s wrong. Your partner’s not being responsible for their self. And so ask yourself…

        Does it leak onto you?
        Does it destabilize your relationship?
        Are you in a love that makes you feel small and drained?

If any of these questions are true, are you compassionate and clear in communicating it?

I feel disconnected from you when you blame me for…
        I lose you when you act aggressively towards me.
        I can’t see you when you don’t see yourself. 

Conscious or not, we’re in a relational battle. Typically, we fight or we get distant. I call it “the unlived life of the couple.”

We’re not trusting ourselves. Nor are we trusting our partner. Our fight and flight mechanism is activated. We feel stressed, tense, and unhappy. It causes a lot of unnecessary suffering.

Sovereignty is the answer. Come back to yourself. What’s happening between you and you. Learn to communicate with yourself. Know what’s happening inside of you. Sovereignty enables you to communicate clearly with your partner.

And yet sovereignty is not a word we hear often in our culture. That’s not surprising as we don’t live in a sovereign culture. Instead, we hear…

Play by the rules and get rewarded.
        Settle down and get married.
        Buy a house and save for retirement.

It is painful when our sovereignty is not honored. But as we cultivate it, we unwire from a culture that confines us with its orders. Our personal directives emanate from our own inner-authority.

We learn to trust the generative voice within that says…

Know what you need
        Know who you are.
        Be in healthy self-relationship.

We live empowered with the truth that we alone are responsible for the shape of our lives. And while some of us come into the world with more resources than others, we all get to decide what to do with what we have.

In a phrase, sovereignty is the becoming of one’s authentic and powerful self.

Sovereignty is what to look for in a partner, or cultivate in your existing relationship.

A sovereign partner has worked deeply with their wounded parts and shadows, and from there, discovers their authentic needs and identity.

She understands when her adult is running her versus her child.
He doesn’t base his identity off the perceptions of others.
She cultivates a knowledge of who she is, aligned with her gifts and desires.

Discovering one’s authentic needs, desires, and identity requires 360-degree vision, the seeing of the larger landscape of one’s life, instead of a narrow path hemmed in by fear and control.

To get there, we have to sort through a lot of distractions – news, social media, misguided advice – and old internal patterns. In this process, we may cultivate key qualities of the sovereign.  Check them out below

Key Qualities Of Sovereignty

• Directs her life in integrity with her identity, needs, and life priorities.
• Has a faith and trust in her gifts.
• Is resilient with conflict, fear, and the unknown.
• Has a strong inner authority.
• Has a regular practice of self-care.
• Does not betray himself or wear masks for the sake of others.
• Has a profound engagement with his life force.
• Lives in connection with a cause, community, or spiritual path bigger than himself.
• Enters relationship with a sovereign partner.

For a quick sovereign exercise, check out below. 

SOVEREIGN EXERCISE

Reflect for a moment. What do those words mean to you –  “in integrity,” “authentic,” “desires,” “needs,” “identity?” Breathe into each one and feel the feeling that comes up.

Now once you feel like you have a gut-sense of sovereignty, on a scale of 1 (low) to 5 (high), rate yourself, your own sovereignty. Take a breath. Feel it. The invitation is to focus on you.

After you did it, consider —  What’s that tell you about you?

Regardless of how you rated yourself, pat yourself on the back. Self-examination is a sovereign act.

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The post Sovereignty: The Key To A Great Relationship appeared first on Stuart Motola.

How sweet it is to be in love with you.
You complete me.
I am someone else with you.

The escape from self infuses us with a euphoria and joy like no other. Poets, romantics, and dreamers have written about it for centuries.

In you, I see me.
In you, I am infinite.
In you, all is possible.

The urge to merge, to be with no other, to dive deep into love. It is truly one of life’s most pleasurable states. We seek it, crave it, and want it badly.

We open our hearts, trust, and jump into love’s incantation.

And then in time, we want more. To be in the spell daily, to live it 24/7, to fully enter the dream of what life can be like together.

We move in together, we go to sleep together, wake up together, share meals together. We make our lives together.

And it’s good. We are attentive, loving, and feel the sweetness of love.

But then agitations creep in. Judgements surface. Annoyances. Doubts. Concerns. The joy of losing our self in the other diminishes. It begins to feel burdensome.

Life on the relationship road feels narrow, constricted, claustrophobic.

And this is where I see clients in my office, saying things like…

“I don’t know who I am with her anymore.”
“Where I begin and where he ends… is no longer clear.”
“It’s like we’re in this fog and we can’t see each other.”

The recurring theme is … I’ve lost who I am with my partner and I’m scared.

It is here where we are no longer thinking our own thoughts or having our own feelings. We feel like who we are has been co-opted by our partner.

She never lets me choose my own sweetener.
He hates it when I go out with my girlfriends.

The days go by and we wonder, How did I get here?

So, what happened? How did we get there?

Somewhere in the romantic journey, we gave up thinking for ourselves and having our own feelings. In-love-ness demanded we become someone other than our self.

In falling in love, we sculpted our behavior to meet the desires of our partner. We wanted to make the One happy. We wanted the spell of love to last.

We ascribe to what I call “relational obedience.”

A tight-lipped container that says – Act this way so that you can keep things going smoothly. Don’t rock the boat.

Through relational obedience, we attempt to keep our relationship alive. But it is merely an attempt to hang on, to keep the “us” together.

In this state, we are in our limbic system, fight or flight, primal fear; we don’t feel safe. We are fighting off the threat of losing our tribe of two.

Our partner may use it unconsciously against us to enforce relational obedience – to try to change you into someone you are not, someone he or she seeks you to be.

Love cannot grow and prosper when one or both partners are side stepping one another. And in time, blame and projection begin.

You never let me make my own decisions.
I always yield to you.
You don’t see me in the way I want to be seen.

If one were fully honest, he or she would say instead…

I gave away all my power to you because I feared losing you.
I relied on you to see me in ways I did not see myself.

Regardless, it bubbles to the surface, and the soul screams, “Enough! Enough! No more self-betrayal. No more losing yourself in relationship.”

It’s clear — the bottom of your identity has been ripped out from underneath you.

A voice of terror says… I no longer know who I am with you.

And this is where the work begins. To remember who you are. To understand that through the journey of love, you forgot how to stay in relationship with yourself.

How could you have known? Certainly I didn’t. Our biology and Hollywood said – lose yourself in love; it’s the best thing there is.

And so you must come home to yourself.

Re-enter healthy self-relationship… individuate.. take time alone.. get to know yourself again… reflect on who you’ve become with your partner… and who you really want to be.

And do this with your beloved. Stay connected.

Ask one another – is there another iteration of “us” that empowers mutual self-relationship? In order to create a more vast and expanded partnership?

We all know that we are happiest when we feel big and expansive, trusting and loving, in relationship. The soul seeks it.

Remember this, the next time you lose yourself in relationship.

The post The Joy & Terror Of Losing Yourself in Relationship appeared first on Stuart Motola.