Second, consider this non-PC phrase. One that men may use to describe a buddy’s romantic state in early relationship.

Are you pussy whipped?

With full respect to women, a woman’s ability to “pussy whip” a man is simultaneously her power to capture him.

And while an intoxicating spell, when a man is in this spell, he’s also forming an unhealthy initial relational attachment with his partner.

And in his early years – his 20’s in particular – it could lead to the long-term decision of marriage.

“She’s the one.

I love her.

She makes me happy.

I want to marry her”

Maybe that was you 10 or 20 years ago as a younger man and today you’re thinking… What happened? Where’d all that magic go?

I hate to say it. But it wasn’t magic. It was a script. An inner script of self-abandonment into your partner. A script setting the foundation for … yep, you guessed it… codependence.

To be whipped or codependent is to…

… place your self-esteem outside of yourself.

… feel like you have to caretake your partner.

… take on the emotional burdens of her upsets.

No disrespect to the whipped man. I was that man for many years in a 20-year marriage. So I know him well.

He’s not a bad guy. And he’s not somebody to be disparaged or made fun of.

Were you once this whipped guy?

Are you a codependent guy today?

What’s that mean for you moving forward?

In a nutshell, you’d know if you’re whipped or codependent because you’d be diminished when your wife or partner rejects you, tells you she’s disappointed in you, or in layman’s terms, has you feeling like she has you by the balls.

So what can you do about feeling like you’re at the mercy of your wife?

First, start to recognize the internal sensations, feelings, or thoughts that you have with her.

Begin to get familiar with those internal dynamics to rewire them.

Notice if you feel caught in her psychological or emotional web.

A sense of if she’s not happy, I can’t be happy.

A feeling of I don’t know where she ends and where I begin.

A thought of it kind of feels good to feel like I’m at her mercy.

All of that is enmeshment, another word for codependence.

And it can feel juicy and delicious and simultaneously imprisoning and destructive.

And to get free, you have to identify the internal dynamics within yourself, as ultimately it’s about you, not her.

Discover if you’re in patterns of codependence with your wife and how to get out of them in the video below.

Enmeshment and codependence are real stuff. We do them as a clumsy and unconscious attempt to heal early life wounds when we were enmeshed with our parents.

It’s extremely psychologically and emotionally unhealthy and will destroy a marriage until you know better.

Yet oddly enough, there is a kink, a good feeling in giving away your power to your wife or partner. It’s unconscious and paradoxical.

To escape from the trap of enmeshment, you need the courage to look at yourself and do the deeper work of relationship.

It begins with you brother. The gift and invitation in all this is to get free. Create the relationship you want.

Take the first step. Shoot me a quick email.

The post How Codependence Can Wreck Your Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Second, consider this non-PC phrase. One that men may use to describe a buddy’s romantic state in early relationship.

Are you pussy whipped?

With full respect to women, a woman’s ability to “pussy whip” a man is simultaneously her power to capture him.

And while an intoxicating spell, when a man is pussy whipped, he’s also forming an unhealthy initial relational attachment with his partner.

And in his early years – his 20’s in particular – it could lead to the long-term decision of marriage.

“She’s the one.

I love her.

She makes me happy.

I want to marry her”

Maybe that was you 10 or 20 years ago as a younger man and today you’re thinking… What happened? Where’d all that magic go?

I hate to say it. But it wasn’t magic. It was a script. An inner script of self-abandonment into your partner. A script setting the foundation for … yep, you guessed it… codependence.

To be whipped or codependent is to…

… place your self-esteem outside of yourself.

… feel like you have to caretake your partner.

… take on the emotional burdens of her upsets.

No disrespect to the whipped man. I was that man for many years in a 20-year marriage. So I know him well.

He’s not a bad guy. And he’s not somebody to be disparaged or made fun of.

Were you once this whipped guy?

Are you a codependent guy today?

What’s that mean for you moving forward?

In a nutshell, you’d know if you’re whipped or codependent because you’d be diminished when your wife or partner rejects you, tells you she’s disappointed in you, or in layman’s terms, has you feeling like she has you by the balls.

So what can you do about feeling like you’re at the mercy of your wife?

First, start to recognize the internal sensations, feelings, or thoughts that you have with her.

Begin to get familiar with those internal dynamics to rewire them.

Notice if you feel caught in her psychological or emotional web.

A sense of if she’s not happy, I can’t be happy.

A feeling of I don’t know where she ends and where I begin.

A thought of it kind of feels good to feel like I’m at her mercy.

All of that is enmeshment, another word for codependence.

And it can feel juicy and delicious and simultaneously imprisoning and destructive.

And to get free, you have to identify the internal dynamics within yourself, as ultimately it’s about you, not her.

Discover if you’re in patterns of codependence with your wife and how to get out of them in the video below.

Enmeshment and codependence are real stuff. We do them as a clumsy and unconscious attempt to heal early life wounds when we were enmeshed with our parents.

It’s extremely psychologically and emotionally unhealthy and will destroy a marriage until you know better.

Yet oddly enough, there is a kink, a good feeling in giving away your power to your wife or partner. It’s unconscious and paradoxical.

To escape from the trap of enmeshment, you need the courage to look at yourself and do the deeper work of relationship.

It begins with you brother. The gift and invitation in all this is to get free.

Shoot me a quick email to take the first step to becoming a more empowered, confident, and courageous version of yourself, to create the kick-ass relationship you ultimately deserve.

The post How Codependence Can Wreck Your Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

In fact, it’s something you should’ve known way before you even got married.

It’s precisely because you don’t know this one thing that you may be in a marriage that drains you more than fulfills you.

And it can put you in a position where you feel like you’ve lost yourself with your wife and wonder…

Who I am with her? Do I want to continue as things are?

You might even feel like you can do nothing right for her. Or you have to walk on eggshells around her.

I remember years ago when I was in this position, thinking, what I wouldn’t give to get clarity on the future of my marriage. If I only knew then what I know now.

Regardless, what I learned is this one thing. A thing that is critical to know if you want to stay in your marriage or not.

Do you want to know the future of your relationship?

If clarity has been elusive, chances are you were overlooking this one thing.

And here’s a chance to finally figure it out.

But I’m not gonna BS you, it takes a little bit of work.

Are you willing to do some work to get clear on your marriage’s prospects?

Every day you feel this one thing with your partner – in your ability to speak openly and to feel trusted and safe.

But in its absence, you often feel attacked, not enough, or unable to make her happy.

So, here it is. And I’m going to follow it up with a critical question.
In a nutshell, it’s… how you’ve entangled your nervous system with that of your partner.

You see, your nervous system is constantly giving you signals about the current state of your marriage – if you’re ok, if you’re not, if you’re vulnerable to attack or safe to engage.

There’s a ton of information readily available within you. And you likely have a sense of it but it’s very rare that an individual knows the meaning of it or what it’s clearly telling them.

To get to that clarity, consider this one related question that gets straight to the core of what you’re feeling and what’s going on inside of you.

When I think of the future, 5, 10 years down the road, do I want to continue to be entangled in the nervous system of my partner or not?

To answer, it helps to pause and slow things down. Take a few breaths and get out of your head. Below the neck, I like to say. Feel the answer in your body.

That’s the no-bullshit zone where you’re not trying to argue your way out of information that scares you.

Give it a try right now. Close your eyes for five seconds. Ask yourself the question. See what your body says.

Can you try this for a moment?

For a lot of guys, it’s a hell no, I don’t want to stay entangled in her nervous system. She’s nervous, she’s anxious, she’s hysterical.

For many women, it’s he’s checked out, he’s withdrawn, I don’t know where the man is, I can’t relax or trust him.

But let’s be clear, this might just be where you are at this moment.

What if instead of just wanting to get the hell out of your marriage, you could pause, slow things down, and make peace with all your inner voices?

Because chances are if you’re reading this there’s another part of you that wants to make things work.

There’s a lot to consider. Your kids, mutual assets, the family. Self-judgments of being the jerk who blows up his family. The asshole who betrays his partner.

Let’s get real. It’s not just as simple as, do I want to stay connected to my partner or not?

But with the noise of all your other concerns, you rarely get to the “gut information” about your nervous system and what you’re choosing relationally.

In fact, often we won’t go there because we fear the answer.

And yet getting to that “gut truth” will help you know what you’re in the room with.

Why you struggle so much to move forward.

And how easy it is to stay stuck and frozen without clarity, for months, years, and even decades.

What if it wasn’t just about saving or leaving your relationship but about leaving who you’ve become in your relationship and becoming a better version of yourself to make the best decision possible?

And from there you’d be in a much stronger place to make this huge decision.

To get to the “gut truth” about the future of your relationship and what it’s really telling you, check out the video below.

Do you want to make the right decision about your marriage?

Regardless of whether you save or leave your relationship, you, your kids, and your wife deserve a better version of you. And it’s from there that you’ll make the right decision for you and your family moving forward.

Getting there is not rocket science but it can feel elusive. To get it right. To be present with fear instead of avoiding it. To step out of your comfort zone and into transformation with wise guidance.

If you’re ready to step into action and move past information, shoot me a quick email. Let’s explore what’s possible for you.

Remember, nobody can do the work for you but you can’t do it alone.

And if you’re not ready to consider the investment of 1:1 coaching, check out The Men’s Relationship School.

It’s a school that is built on a decade of the best of my work coaching men in relationship. A group of guys taking action together as a team on their relationships one hour per week.

Check it out now and learn how to…

• GET CLARITY on the save or leave your relationship question.
• GET PAST YOUR FEARS and be the best version of yourself.
• STOP BEING INVISIBLE with your partner and start going after what you want in your relationship.

And if you’re not ready for action and only want information, check out my men’s-only private Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship for inspiring daily relationship tips and action items just for men.

The post Answer This One Question To Know If You Should Save Or Leave Your Relationship appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Can I continue to live like this?
How can things change?
What can I do about it?

And in this place, your options can feel limited. You can easily feel trapped and resigned.

Are you living out a life sentence in your marriage?

If you’ve ever felt this way, it’s easy to feel resignation. Resigned to fulfill your vow of ‘til death do us part.’

And yet instead of moving into action to make change, it’s common to just do nothing. But slogging through your days unhappy does not serve you, your family, or your wife.

I was married for 25 years and there were many days where I could say yes, this feels like a life sentence.

She won’t change. I can’t do this anymore. And I want out.

I didn’t feel like I had options. I got stuck in that place that I see many men stuck in.

That place of trying to do something but really doing nothing. That place of freeze.

While we often hear about fight or flight, we don’t hear much about freeze. Think of a deer in headlights.

Freeze can be a form of what many of us men were trained in. “Suck it up and deal. Make the best of it.”

When so much is on the line – family, finances, kids, it’s easy to punt on your own happiness as a man.

Do you sacrifice your own well-being to stay in your current marriage?

The problem with freeze, like fight or flight, is you’re in your limbic system.

This is the place where you can’t think clearly, you’re dominated by primal emotions, and you struggle to see all the options available to you.

And so instead it’s easy to go into black and white thinking. A place of duality. Only two options – save or leave your marriage.

But there are many options between save and leave your marriage where you can create change in your relationship and most importantly, be ok with whatever happens.

What are the options between save or leave?

I’m going to tell you 3 straight up below.

But if you want a better understanding of how to implement those options, to build freedom and courage in your marriage, I invite you to check out the video below.

Option number one seems obvious but it’s not obvious how to do it right.

Work on the marriage. But not in that classic lots of talk, do-nothing way common in a lot of couples therapy.

Instead, I’m talking about action, outcomes, and accountability between you and your partner, to get real results.

Are you interested in real outcomes when it comes to your marriage?

If so, I talk more about that in detail in the video above. Check it out.

Now option number two is one that scares the hell out of most men. They confuse it with divorce. But until you get educated about it, it’s easy to confuse it.

And this option is a trial separation. But to be clear, it can be done in the spirit of saving your marriage, if that’s what you’re seeking.

It sounds like this “Honey, I want a trial separation to see if we can save our marriage.”

A trial separation can be a huge help to a man seeking clarity on how committed he is to improve his relationship. Without commitment, you’re just throwing stuff at the wall to see if it sticks.

When it comes to a trial separation, you have to do it right to make it work. I offer many tools to help.

This includes answering tough questions such as…

Are we both committed to working on ourselves during this time?
What will our interaction be like during this time?
How will we still come together for our kids?

Does a trial separation appeal to you?

If so, let’s talk further.

And option number three is to take action and leadership with her. And by that, I mean create a safe container to speak the unspoken, as a way to get the ball rolling on creating a new marriage. Here’s a simple format to make that happen.

Now, what’s the chance that you do any of these 3 things on your own to successfully transform your marriage?

Be real. 10%? 50%?

And this is where every man needs help, as did I seven years ago. But often, we as men are taught that needing help means we are weak.

Ironically, that belief only makes us weaker.

A man’s power lies in his ability to cultivate a wise and effective team for himself.

A coach or guide who offers him accountability, challenge, and support to transform himself and his marriage.

Are you worthy of transforming your marriage?

What if you knew that you’ll be ok, whatever happens with her?

If that’s what you want, that is precisely what I teach men.

Don’t believe me. Hear from my client who said…

“In working with Stuart, I learned that I’ll be ok alone if things don’t work out with my wife. And ironically, that’s given me a new confidence & freedom to create the marriage I want with her.”

If you want this super-power too, let’s explore what’s possible for you. Connect with a bunch of powerful guys talking about this stuff fearlessly in my next Men’s Relationship Tools call this Tuesday at 12pm ET.

And for daily relationship tips and action items, join my private men’s only Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship.

The post Are You Living Out A Life Sentence In Your Marriage? appeared first on Stuart Motola.

A stress.  A fear. A sense of something not right. Something not out in the open.

Do you feel that something with your partner?

Maybe you bury it down. Or you kick it down the road.

Maybe it’s a rock you fear looking under. Or a knowing that you fear acknowledging.

It’s hard to look and painful to consider. Your inner circuitry says, “DON’T GO THERE!”

It shows up in that tension in the kitchen moment with your partner when you’re getting your morning coffee. Or in that silence over dinner.

There’s something unspoken between you. Maybe an unresolved disagreement from the night before. Or a conflict from two days prior. It’s an unstated truth.

We haven’t had sex in months.
I don’t find her attractive anymore.
She bullies me.
I resent her.

You know what’s on top. But underneath there’s something else that tears at your core. An underlying anxiety.

I don’t know if we’re gonna make it as a couple.
This may not work.
I can’t do this anymore.

Maybe you know it in the way she rolls her eyes at you. Or how she frowns and shakes her head when you say something. The little things hurt.

You ask yourself, “This is my wife? My partner?”

You notice she’s not available to you. You notice life has taken over and you rarely make time for each other. She has little in the tank for you, nor you for her.

Are any of these subtle things true for you?

These are all signs that you’re not fulfilled in your relationship.

And so your relationship is asking something of you. To look under the rock. To face the fear. To call out the dynamic and change it.

But often, we just turn away. Go on with our days. We justify it with busyness. We say, there’s just not enough time in the day.

Between work, kids, house, all the other stuff to function in the 21st-century, there’s just not enough time.

But is it time or is your relationship just not a priority?

Maybe it isn’t. Maybe you’ve given up on trying to work on it.

Or you’ve done a ton of work but nothing seems to change.

But eventually you have to ask yourself…

Are you willing to look under the rock?

Step into the hard stuff?

Often I see men avoid this question. Instead, they work a lot, stay glued to their phones, drink too much, watch a lot of porn, or have an affair.

They fear confronting that most painful truth about relationship.

And that is this – It may not last.

If you’re that guy, I have a lot of compassion for you. But instead of hiding, I want to challenge you to look under the rock.

I know personally what it’s like to not look, to spend my years walking through the dead zone of a marriage.

Are you avoiding a painful truth in your relationship?

I imagine you wouldn’t be reading this right now if your relationship was working well. I appreciate your courage in acknowledging it.

There’s no shame in that. What there is, is an opportunity for transformation.

Do you seek transformation or are you just looking for relief from discomfort?

Discover which is true for you in the video below.

Relationship is hard.
Relationship is risky.
Relationships begin.
Relationships end.

But you don’t have to go through your days fearing these things.

Step into action. Make a change. I want that for you. Do you want that for you?

If so, jon my next free & confidential Men’s Relationship Tools zoom call on Tuesdays at 9am MST.

And for daily relationship advice and conversation with men only in my private Facebook Group, Men Mastering Relationship.

The post The Painful Truth About Your Relationship appeared first on Stuart Motola.

The post Why Therapy Often Falls Short For Men appeared first on Stuart Motola.

The post She Dropped The Divorce Bomb (WTF?) appeared first on Stuart Motola.

In reaction, he thinks, If only she’d give me some peace of mind.

If only she’d stay out of my shit, not be after me so much, then I could rest, then I could be ok. 

He rolls out of bed in the morning and goes downstairs to have breakfast, hoping she’s not in the kitchen — because at any moment, with the wrong look, the wrong movement, if he puts something away in the fridge the wrong way, she might get mad at him.

Are you walking on eggshells around your partner?

Chuck was doing just this. And while he knew things had to change, he had no idea how to make it happen.

He had left his wife twice over the past few years. But both times, he came back.

For what? he wondered.

His fears — of being the jerk who blew up his family, of his kids hating him forever, of being the lying cheater his father was — were bigger than his fears of her anger.

And yet that had him pinned up against a wall from which he couldn’t escape.

He felt trapped between two undesirable options — divorce or stay.

Do you feel trapped like this?

I just want some peace, Chuck thought.

Years of therapy had given him a lot of self awareness. But he hadn’t gotten out of his dilemma — a marriage fraught with tension and episodic explosions.

A few weeks before Chuck and I began talking, he had landed into the scary truth that he wanted a divorce. It was done, over. But…. he couldn’t tell her.

A voice inside him said, if you think things are bad now, imagine what’ll happen dropping divorce on her. All hell will break loose. He worried about his relationship with his kids most. She was already more close to them than he was.

Chuck was spinning on his fears of the imagined outcomes. Like many men I see, he was trapped between a rock and a hard place.

How do you get peace when you feel so trapped? 

But then Chuck began doing the unthinkable. In a short time of working with me, he began having discussions with his wife that he never dreamed were possible.

She too was concerned about the toll of their strained marital dynamic on their kids. She didn’t take it out on him, as he expected.

How’d he talk to her in a way that didn’t blow up on him? He faced what he feared, as I tell in the video below.

The post I Want A Divorce But I Can’t Tell My Wife appeared first on Stuart Motola.

He walks out on his wife, thinking, F*#k her, I don’t need this shit anymore. 

Have you ever been pissed & walked out on your partner?

I have. It feels like shit, especially when it happens often.

And afterwards, maybe you’re thinking, Do I really have to go back home and live with this person?

Or you’re beating yourself up for what you didn’t do right. Replaying what happened, over and over again.

Well, what if you never got pissed in the first place?

Yeah, right, every couple fights, you might be thinking.

True ‘dat. And yet, the problem isn’t that you got into a fight.

The problem is how you dealt with it. You got hooked by her. You lost your composure.

Well, what if you never lost your composure with her? 

How would that change things?

Two days ago, I spoke with Colorado police officer Zach Johnson. He used to be the guy who lost his shit with his partner.

He lost it so bad that he went out and had an affair, got the woman pregnant, and then took in the baby with his wife.

Sounds crazy, huh?

Learn how it took all that madness for him to stop losing it.

Check out the video below.

The post I Don’t Need Her Shit Anymore appeared first on Stuart Motola.

“Once in a blue moon, she’ll let me touch her breasts,” Rick said, as if reluctantly accepting a consolation prize.

His options, in his view, were to stay in a sexless marriage or leave and risk losing his family.

The double bind of Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Are you in a similar double bind with your partner?

Do you withhold important truths about what you want, instead of risking upsetting her?

I see this often in guys I coach, explicitly in sexless marriages, especially as women age. It’s a super shitty situation. My heart goes out to them. But it doesn’t have to be so.

Like many guys, Rick felt alone. REAL ALONE. And TRAPPED.

He went through his days at work, unenthusiastic to go home to be with his wife. His lackluster marriage diminished his family dynamic. His vitality as a man was suffering.

Rick complained that his wife had control over his sexuality. OUCH!!!

“And I’m not the kind of guy to go out and have an affair,” he said, even though he thought about it often.

Porn, on the other hand, was ok. At least, he wasn’t breaking his marriage vows, he said. A lot of guys say this.

But I have to ask… 

Is it really  a choice between don’t be an asshole by having an affair or get through your days with porn? 

Rick’s far from alone amongst married men. In fact, even as you read this, hundreds of thousands of men in relationship are masturbating to other women.

And TO BE CLEAR, this is not about being puritanical or moral. It’s about living a full and loving life. It’s about NOT settling for less.

Are you settling for less in your relationship?

Withholding from speaking what you want with your partner?

Fearing you’ll blow things up if you speak up?

Or maybe you’ve just given up. You’ve tried to make it better, failed, and resigned yourself to what is.

Well, I’m here to say THIS.  A man has man more options than stay in a sexless marriage or blow it up. He has more options than play small or get out.

Would you be in if you knew you could make a change in your relationship and not blow it up? 

This is what I helped Rick do.

After years of pain and suffering, of feeling trapped in a sexless marriage, Rick became ONE OF THOSE RARE MEN to STEP OUT OF HIS FALSE DOUBLE BIND.

And unlike Rick, it doesn’t have to take years. It can happen in a few weeks or months.

Wondering how Rick turned his marriage around?

He did it simply by CHANGING ONE BEHAVIOR that was keeping him stuck.

Check out this video to see how he did it.

P.S. BAND OF BROTHERS IS BACK next week Tues June 2 at 9am mtn time.  We will meet at 9am from now on.

The post How Rick Started Having Sex With His Wife Again appeared first on Stuart Motola.