Sounds like the words of a guy who is financially stressed.

Anyone who’s been married a while can tell you that arguments about money and marriage go hand in hand.

Do you and your wife fight about money?

It can be infuriating for a guy when he feels like his wife wastes money.

“I work my ass off, trying to put aside for our future, and she’s pissing away cash like it’s nothing,” said Todd.

And so the typical cycle went like this. Todd’s wife would spend frivolously. He would get upset. She’d hide her spending from him. He would discover it months later.

He’d confront her. She’d say, “That was forever ago, you expect me to remember that?”

A fight would ensue. He’d feel powerless. She’d feel humiliated. And both would dig in for their survival. He can’t control me. She can’t piss away money like it grows on trees.

Is money a source of conflict for you and your wife?

You may know the rest of the story.

Afterward, Todd and his wife put each other in the doghouse. Trust went to hell. Intimacy was off the radar for the next week or two.

In the end, two lonely people living lonely lives, isolated on separate sides of the fence. And then every six to eight weeks, they repeat the cycle.

Why is money such a problem for so many married couples?

For guys, it’s simple. Much of our self-esteem is embedded in our ability to earn and provide. It relates to our built-in need to serve and protect.

While women are earning like never before, they typically don’t wrap their self-esteem around their earnings. But men, on the other hand, do.

And so when Todd’s wife spent $10 on a box of cookies that he thought shouldn’t cost more than $5, it became a big deal. But in the flood of emotions, he missed something big. Todd failed to realize that it wasn’t just about the money.

What he missed was that this was about something much more personal. It was about his self-confidence in his marriage. His ability to confidently communicate to his wife.

In the absence of self-confidence, he resorted to trying to change his wife’s behaviors in order to be okay and respected. But it wasn’t about her. It’s about him.

Do you wish you could communicate confidently with your wife?

If you could, you wouldn’t fall into this trap of thought, common for many guys. They think, If only I could make more money, then I wouldn’t have to worry about her spending.

But more money is not going to fix a self-confidence problem. Todd could tell you that. He was the guy worth millions, yes, millions, complaining to his wife about a $10 box of cookies.

His complaint wasn’t really about cookies. It was about his self-worth as a man. It was about his ability to communicate confidently to his wife. This was deeply personal for him.

Why else would a multi-millionaire make such a big deal about a $10 box of cookies?

Do you get upset at dumb things you judge your wife does?

If so, then consider something that was big for Todd. The deeper message here. The story you tell yourself. That somehow you have failed as a man when you can’t get through to her.

It’s easy to beat yourself up about your inability to communicate with your wife.

In the absence of self-confidence, men often lose themselves in a tangled web of self-judgment, fear, and projection. But none of that gets dealt with because we’re too focused on the damn cookies.

Of course, the cookies are a metaphor. For you, it might be a parking ticket that goes unpaid, a bill that got lost, or a check that never got cashed. Whatever it is for you…

What if you could just relax, communicate well, and enjoy your marriage?

In the video below, check out the precise words that helped put Todd back in charge of his marriage.

What is it that you ultimately want in your relationship?

At the end of the day, Todd wanted what a lot of married men want – self-confidence with his wife, trust in their marriage, and the ability to relax and love her.

And what a thing it is that we guys will toss all that away for a $10 box of cookies. In truth, we don’t even know we’re being so foolish.

Yet in the absence of the simple ability to convey impact, to talk about what’s really under the hood for us, we spend years complaining, hiding, or blowing things up.

Being a confident and capable man in your relationship is not all that hard. You just need to stay in your productive powers.

Do you want to go from frustrated to confident with your partner?

If you answered yes, let’s have a quick chat.

A guaranteed, powerful conversation to help you get the upper hand on your partner’s verbose ways. I’d be honored to hear from you.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest, real conversation between two guys. No sales pitch. To get started, shoot me a quick email.

Lastly for the men who aren’t ready to talk 1:1 and still want to transform their marriage, try out Men’s Relationship Tools.

It’s also a great way to see what coaching can offer you.

The post How To Get Your Wife To Stop Wasting Money appeared first on Stuart Motola.

“And I feel like I have to take it on. I’m that guy, you know, who fixes it.

“And to be honest, I’m tired of it. It seems like it never stops. Whether it’s about the kids, her work, my behavior. She’s freaking hysterical most of the time.”

Are you married to an overly emotional woman?

Like my client Robert, you can feel like you have to take on your wife’s problems and emotions. You know, you’re a good guy. You want to make things right.

And at the same time, you may think, I wish she’d just calm the F down.

It’s super hard when you feel like your wife gets worked up easily about stuff.

Whether it’s the kids not listening or a problem at their school or with friends. She can act like the world is collapsing around her.

Does your wife make a big deal out of little stuff?

At a loss for what to do, a lot of guys go into fixer mode.

Well, the problem is fixing doesn’t work well with her, as you may have noticed. It certainly did not work well for Robert.

And instead of enjoying his marriage with his wife, Robert felt like his marriage was just a royal pain in the ass.

Often, he felt split. Separated between a part of him that honestly didn’t want to deal with his wife and her drama anymore. And a part that wanted to be a loving husband, a good guy who could show up as best he could.

But nothing ever seemed to be enough for her.

Is nothing ever enough for your wife?

Let’s face it, it doesn’t help but we hear it often – women are just more emotional than men.

Great, you might say to yourself, I know that, but what the hell am I supposed to do with that information?

If you’re like me, you don’t just want information, you want action. You want to be able to help her to chill out. You want to get your marriage back.

It makes absolute sense that guys would want a calm, fluid marriage without drama. And like Robert, maybe you try to achieve that by stepping into the storm with your wife.

You want to be that good guy who shows up and is there for her.

What if you could show up with your wife in a way that re-energized your marriage and didn’t drain you?

If you want that, check out the video below to see what Robert did with some simple coaching and accountability.

You see, Robert was that guy who wanted the calm, not the storm, with his wife. But when she went into her normal upset, he took it all on.

Whether it was taking responsibility for stuff with the kids that he didn’t want to deal with or he didn’t even think was a problem in the first place. Or trying to coach his wife to have a better perspective on things. It all failed.

In the midst of it all, Robert experienced a whole range of emotions, and in the attempt to keep calm, he shot himself in the foot and made things worse.

Do you sometimes feel like your efforts to do good backfire on you?

To keep the calm, Robert shut down his emotions. So of course, he did a version of that with his wife.

And trying to fix her like she was a problem backfired on him. In fact, it made his wife resentful. And that got him even more jacked up.

Do you allow your wife to get you jacked up?

Paradoxically, doing so is a form of empathy. It’s unconscious. We think that if we can take things on, we are being a good guy. But it’s not what we ultimately want.

The truth is the best way to stay calm and confident is to stop putting yourself in front of the train wreck and instead, stand to the side of it.

Get a little bit of distance. So you can stay in your bold and calm center.

Do you want to be the force of calm in your marriage?

If so, let’s explore what’s possible for you. Shoot me a quick email.

And if you’re not ready to talk 1:1, check out the NEW Men’s Relationship School (formerly Men’s Relationship Tools) to learn how to…

• BE AN EMPOWERED MAN in a fulfilling relationship with an empowered woman.
• HAVE A STRONG BACKBONE with her to get respect and love.
• GET PAST YOUR FEARS of her freak outs and stay bold and calm in the heat of conflict.

Also included will be…

• BRIEF RECORDINGS OF WEEKLY CALLS to inspire you into “wise action” in your relationship.
• WEEKLY ACTION ITEMS to keep you accountable to create what you want with your partner.
• OPPORTUNITIES FOR PERSONAL CONNECTION with other men also seeking to get out of the relationship “suck zone.”

Can’t make the call? No problem. Join my men’s-only private Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship for inspiring daily relationship tips and action items.

The post How To Deal With A Hysterical Wife appeared first on Stuart Motola.

“‘You don’t contribute to the family. You’re not present for me. You’re on your phone too much,’ she says to me.” Steve sighs.

Is your wife tough on you?

A lot of guys hear these words, or similar, from their wife. Good guys, just like you and me.

Men who want to do better in their marriage. Men who listen to their wife’s feedback. Men who want to be a better partner for her.

But the problem is these guys also do something else. Something my client Steve did.

Do you do it as well?

“Steve,” I said. “What’s the story you tell yourself when your wife is critical of you?”

“That she’s not happy. That I’m not enough for her. How I need to show up more,” he said.

“And do you believe this story?” I asked.

“Believe? What do you mean? I’m just telling you what she tells me.”

“Actually, you were telling me the story you tell yourself when your wife’s critical of you. Correct?”

“Yeah, so?”

Without knowing it, Steve had internalized his wife’s story as who he was.

Have you lost your sense of identity in your relationship?

If so, then chances are, like Steve, you’ve also abandoned your wants and needs. And even shut down any hopes of getting your needs ever met at all.

Typically, when men get to this point, they go into a daily doldrums cycle of just trying to get through the days of their marriage.

Are you just trying to get through your marriage?

Most guys do this to try to keep their family together.

The problem is it’s a losing strategy. And it can cost you years of your life, walking on eggshells around your wife.

In the process, your wife is never happy. Neither are you. And your kids wonder, do mom and dad even like (no less love) each other?

You deserve better, as do your kids and your wife.

Are you walking on eggshells around your wife?

This strategy will never get you what you want in your relationship. It will only keep you feeling like you’re not enough for her.

But truth be told, and I know it’s hard to believe. Within every guy is a bold, confident, and composed man who knows who he is and who he wants to be in his relationship.

A man who does not mistake his wife’s feedback for his identity.

This man lives in you. But you have yet to unleash him.

Do you want to reclaim your confidence and courage with your partner?

If so, let me coach you for a moment, in the video below, with two simple key strategies that Steve used, and you can too, to become your bold, best self in relationship.

I helped Steve do a few things to transform his marriage, including to:

• Stop internalizing his wife’s complaints for who he was.
• Start getting clear on who he wanted to be in his relationship.
• Be his best self for the sake of his wife and kids.

After years of books and podcasts, Steve changed how he showed up in his marriage, working with me.

Not because I was superman. But because he was ready to take action and be held accountable for the marriage he created.

For him, that action started with a simple email to me, asking to have his feet held to the fire.

We chatted, got to know each other, and decided we were a fit.

Steve wasn’t one of those guys wanting to be saved, rescued, or told what to do.

If that’s you, no shame. It just means you’re not ready to step into action quite yet.

But if you’re clear that you want to transform the relationship you co-create with your partner, join my next confidential Men’s Relationship Tools zoom call on Tuesdays at 9am MST.

And to learn how not to lose your identity in your relationship, join my private mens-only Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship.

The post How To Not Lose Your Identity With Your Wife appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Before you answer, consider the definition of sacrifice.

“An act of slaughtering an animal or person or surrendering a possession as an offering to God or to a divine or supernatural figure.”

Ok, maybe you’re not actually slaughtering an animal, but…

Are you slaughtering yourself for a divine ideal?

Most men I talk with say, “What do you mean, divine ideal?”

And so we talk more. They tell me about the state of their marriage.

How they don’t feel connected to their wife. There’s little sex. Very little respect. There’s tension in the kitchen. Stress at the dinner table. And anxiety in the bedroom. The list goes on.

Eventually I ask him and I’ll ask you…

What keeps you in your marriage?

Pause and consider it for a moment.

With most men, I discover that, unbeknownst to him, he’s got divine ideals.

Divine ideals, for which he’s slaughtering himself.

Slaughtering his needs, his wants, his sexuality, and even who he is, to stay married.

Can you relate?

Do you stay in your marriage for divine ideals?

I can’t be alone.
I don’t who I’d be without her.
I can’t afford a divorce.
And most common of all, I stay married for my kids.

Really? For the kids? That’s great. But is staying stuck in a compromised marriage really of service to your kids?

You don’t think your kids are wondering, why aren’t mommy and daddy happy?

I know I was asking myself that as a kid with my parents, as were many of my clients.

What if you had a healthy marriage that really benefited your kids?

A marriage that modeled what you’d want them to be in someday?

Or even a divorce that honors the entire family?

Discover what’s really best for your kids in the video below.

Stop falsely sacrificing for your kids and start thriving with your family.

And do it with other men, doing just that, on my next confidential and free Men’s Relationship Tools zoom call this Tuesday at 9am mtn time.

The post I Stay Married For My Kids appeared first on Stuart Motola.

My client Michael wonders. When did it happen?

He doesn’t know. And yet undeniably, there’s something missing in his relationship.

A fire. A passion. An excitement. A desire for one another. Sex. He hungers for it.

Do you feel something missing in your relationship?

Michael remembers the “old us.” They were in their twenties in New York. Before marriage. Before kids. When they dove into each other’s bodies spontaneously at any time of day or night.

But these days, sex is infrequent, if at all. Getting things done — work, kids, home — takes priority over spontaneously diving into each other’s bodies.

He feels like a cliché, A sexually-repressed, middle-aged guy.

“I don’t know when it happened. But over time, she shut down sexually.”

Is your partner shut down sexually?

“It’s hard to imagine continuing like this. I mean, I need sex. I’m a sexual man!”

Michael pauses. He says, “It’s not just about sex, you know. It’s about connection, feeling her love and her desire.”

I nod affirmingly.

“She’s more receptive when things are going well and we feel close. But lately, she’s like a dry well.” He sighs. “I hate to speak about her like that. But it feels good to be honest about it.”

Have you told her that you’re frustrated?

“She knows. But it’s easier to avoid it. Talking about it just make it worse.”

“How’s that strategy working for you?” I ask.

“I know it’s not good, but she says I can’t pressure her. She has to be in the mood to have sex. I don’t know what else to do.”

What if you could get sex just by being you?

“That would be great. But I don’t even know who I am with her anymore. It’s like I’ve lost myself,” he says.

“Ok, good, now you know the problem. You’ve lost yourself. So let’s fix it.”

I talked to Michael about owning his N.U.T.S. No, not the anatomical part of his body. But four letters that would recover who he was and make him his sexiest to his partner.

Discover those four letters for yourself in the short video below. Four letters, for real!

Have you given up who you are in your relationship? 

Michael did but after a few months of working with me, he discovered who he was again and began owning his N.U.T.S.

I coached him about how his problem wasn’t as much about his wife, but him.

“You pivot off of her, relying on her mood, instead of focusing on yourself and what you really want. And that causes you to be needy and groveling without even knowing it. No woman wants to be with a needy man.”

His wife said just those words when she joined one of our zoom calls. I encouraged Michael to tell her how living in a sexless marriage impacted him.

He hesitated and looked at me. I nodded and had him take a breath.

Facing her, he said, “I get distant and disconnected. I feel like I’ve lost you. I even get scared that we’ll become one of those old, grumpy, sexless couples.”

Michael didn’t want that. And neither did she.

“And also,” he continued. “It’s not just about sex. It’s about my love and desire for you. It’s you I want. Love and connection with you.”

A tear fell down her face.

“I love that you’re talking so directly to me. You’re very attractive when you’re not hiding out, Michael,” she said.

Clearly, Michael’s wife was open to hearing him. And with continued effort, a new chapter in their relationship began.

While what Michael did was simple, it took some work. He owned his N.U.T.S and spoke directly to his wife.

How can you own your N.U.T.S to bring back the fire, passion, and sex in your relationship?

Michael started that process with one step. He emailed me. And that made all the difference. And you can too.

Change the dynamic with your partner now. Shoot me a quick email.

And if you’re not ready to email me, join my next confidential and free men’s zoom call Tuesdays at 9am mtn time.  

Stop suppressing your sexuality to stay in an unsatisfying relationship. Living in the fear of things getting worse is no way to get what you want.

The post Own Your N.U.T.S (When A Man Is Sexiest To His Partner) appeared first on Stuart Motola.

James pauses and looks away for a moment.

“Half of the time I’m not even sure what she’s angry about.”

He throws his hands up in frustration.

“The other day, she barked at me because I didn’t secure the lid to the yogurt. The day before, it was how I don’t reply to her texts soon enough. The week before, it was, I work too much.”

He looks at me, as if he’s going to say something he’ll regret. But he says it anyway.

“My wife’s a bully.”

Instead of feeling regret, he’s relieved.

“What can I do about it?”

Do you experience charged behavior from your partner?

If so, you’re not alone. I hear from a lot of men who say things like…

“She’s so critical of me.”

“She’s a rageaholic.”

“I sometimes think she hates all men.”

The list goes on.

Why are women so angry at their men these days?

Why are so many guys feeling like their partners’ targets?

And most importantly…

What can you do about it?

A lot of men just resort to walking on eggshells around their partner. Trying to be invisible, hoping she’ll just calm down.

That was James, before we began working together.

He’d try to get to bed before his wife, so he could just sleep peacefully. Or in the morning, he’d get his toast and coffee and get out of the house to avoid conflict.

Do you walk on eggshells around your partner?

James did, until he faced his fears of things getting worse before they got better.

When I pointed out to him the daily soul-suck he was living in, he realized the extent to which he had trained himself to do everything he could not to upset his wife.

“You do realize it has a major cost to you?” I said.

James had habituated himself, to not upset his wife, to such a point that he began to lose any sense of who he was, what he wanted in his marriage, and what would make him happy.

“Holy f*#k!” he said to me when the light bulb went off.

Then I asked him…

What if you didn’t take on your wife’s anger as your responsibility?

For a moment, he looked at me like I was crazy.

“Say what?” he said.

I repeated the question.

“I”m just afraid that would make things worse.”

And so I taught him a powerful tool, four words that settled his fears and gave him the confidence to change the dynamic in his marriage.

Discover those four words for yourself in the short video below. Four words! For real!

Do you want to make change in your relationship?

In a short time, James mastered these four words and experienced a new way forward in his marriage.

“It’s like she knows I won’t take it anymore. I mean, I wasn’t a jerk about it. But I made it clear, something needs to change. And it shocked me, when she said, you’re right.”

No woman wants to be a bully.  She’s just stuck in a bad habit. And in James’ case, it was one that he had allowed to linger, until I coached him otherwise.

Do you want to stop your partner’s bullying?

James did. But first, he took a simple action. And you can too. Change the dynamic with your parter now. Shoot me a quick email.

And if you’re not ready to email me, join our next confidential and free men’s zoom call Tuesdays at 9am mtn time.  

Take action on creating the relationship you want. Living in the fear of things getting worse is no way to make your relationship better.

The post My Wife’s A Bully (what can I do about it?) appeared first on Stuart Motola.

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Wow, I thought, that sounds tough and I felt like that once upon a time.

Does your partner ever freak out on you?

Maybe you said one thing and she misinterpreted it to mean something else. Or you tried to do something you thought was kind and then she called you “selfish.”

It can leave a guy feeling like he has to walk on eggshells around his partner. And over time, he often wonders, What can I do to not have her freak out?

That was Tim’s deal. He was just trying to help out his wife — a good guy on her team.

You see, his wife’s mom was sick, which meant a lot of stress on her. So trying to give his wife a break, Tim suggested taking the kids away for the weekend.

And BAM! She got super upset, accusing him of being inconsiderate and bailing on her.

“I was just trying to help,” he said.

Have you ever had something well-intentioned backfire with your partner?

You’re trying to do good and she attacks you for it. And afterwards, you’re totally confused, wondering — What did I do that was such a big deal?

Like many guys, Tim felt that classic damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

He felt like he was at the mercy of his partner’s emotions. And he’d built a dynamic with her where he’d do anything to “fix” her tantrums.

But trying to calm her down and saying “Honey, it’s ok,” he was met with even more emotion.

What if instead you could redirect your partner’s heightened reactions to a better outcome? 

I know, it sounds super simple. But it’s not rocket science either.

With my coaching, Tim tried out a simple tool that was so powerful that he was never at the mercy of his wife’s emotions again. And it benefitted her as well.

Check out how he did it, and you can too, in the video below.

What if you said no to your partner’s freak outs?

For a lot of guys, that might be even scarier. Then, she’d triple freak out on me, they might say.

I get it. It’s a risky proposition. But it’s a much riskier proposition to spend years on end in a dynamic that’s got you feeling victimized by your partner’s emotions.

That’s no way to live. Enough is enough.

That’s what Tim was thinking when we started talking. And in a short time of working together, he moved into action to make real change in his marriage.

Even better, he got a lot more respect and appreciation from his wife.

Don’t end up a the guy whose son said to him, “Dad, when are you going to get your balls back from mom?”

If you’re feeling at the mercy of your partner’s emotions, you can do it differently. And that starts with a simple conversation.

Learn more on our next “Men’s Relationship Tools” call Tuesday at 9am mtn time, where men go after what they want in relationship.

Not comfortable joining a call? Shoot me a quick email.  A simple first step to stop being at the mercy of your partner’s emotions.

The post She’s Always Freaking Out On Me appeared first on Stuart Motola.

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