Not even sex or connection just kindness.

It seems like a low bar and the least he can expect from his wife of 15 years.

Instead, he gets degradation, denigration, and verbal abuse.

Do you experience verbal abuse from your wife?

Rob struggled to identify it as verbal abuse upfront.

“She just flips out on me. Often I don’t why. She says I’m selfish. All I think about is myself. I’ve tried not to personalize it. But she’s worn me down. That’s why I finally reached out to you,” he said.

He was admitting that after much patience and time, it was clear that she was being abusive.

How do you know if your wife’s behavior is abusive?

One way to know, which I speak to in the video below, is having a baseline of comparison in a more neutral setting, for instance, at work.

If someone told you at work that you were flawed as a man or incompetent, you probably would pause and say, “hey, that’s not ok.”

In the intimate container of marriage or relationship, where so many emotions are online, it can be more challenging to identify what’s abuse or not.

We tolerate so much to keep a marriage alive.

Do you experience your wife’s criticisms as a flaw of your character?

If so, chances are you’re in a “compassion conundrum.”

You’re trying to be compassionate and sensitive to your wife, but you also feel the attack in how she speaks to you – her angry tone, her snide facial expressions, her choice of words.

I say to Rob, “You want to stay compassionate to her. And you want to stand up for yourself.”

Rob nods.

“But…. you don’t know how to do that without making things worse.”

“Exactly,” he says.

How can you be compassionate to your wife and protect yourself from her abuse at the same time?

In the video below, learn what I taught Rob – the source of her abusive behavior and how to stay strong and relational in the face of it.

Do you want to get out of the cycle of verbal abuse with your wife?

If so, you’ll have to take some risks. One such risk is to rock the boat with her.

Rocking the boat could mean making it clear to her that you’re open to the “what” of her words but the “how” must change.”

It could mean setting a clear boundary when her tone reaches a certain pitch.

It could mean noticing when you’re maxed and need to take a pause from an interaction.

Ultimately, it means you taking care of yourself, so you to stay in the marriage to create the change you seek.

Rob took this risk and transformed his wife’s hostility into kindness over the course of three months working with me.

But before taking that risk, he took a first step. He clicked the link below. You can too.

Shoot me a quick email and let’s talk to see what risks you need to take to transform your marriage.

The post How To Deal With A Verbally Abusive Wife appeared first on Stuart Motola.

This is the mantra, conscious or not, that drives the behaviors of many married men.

Ultimately, most men want to make their wives happy. So in that effort, he’s willing to overlook a lot of challenging behaviors from her.

Do you seek to make your wife happy?

If so, that’s great. But ask yourself for a moment, can you really “make her happy?” And if so, at what cost? And do you abandon yourself in the process?

By abandoning yourself, I mean, you take on behaviors from your wife – yelling, complaining, criticizing, dumping, venting, withdrawing, retreating, or other – that could be considered abusive and you abandon yourself to that abuse.

And maybe you accept those behaviors because that’s what you think it means to be a good man. That’s what you think will create less conflict and make her happy.

Do you take on abusive behavior from your wife? And how would you know what’s abusive and what’s normal marital conflict?

Check out this video for a simple quick gauge to determine if your wife’s behavior is abusive and more importantly 3 things to do to change her behavior.

Inside of you, your gut, your heart, you feel and know abusive behavior. But you may be playing the tough guy and not be willing to admit it.

You’re a dude. You’re a strong man. You don’t have needs, right? Wrong. Of course, you have needs – for trust, emotional safety, and respect. We all do.

And it can feel vulnerable and super hard to admit that your needs aren’t being met and then speak those needs to your wife, the one who has her foot on your neck.

At the end of the day, all human behavior, abusive or not, is an attempt to get needs met.

And when you get clear on your unmet needs, you’ll be in a better position to see how your wife’s behavior is just a reflection of her unmet needs and how you can meet them.

Own your behaviors, kindly call her out on her behaviors, and create the marriage you want. She’ll feel safer with you and love you for it.

Are you ready to stop abuse and create the marriage you want?

Take the first step and let’s have a quick chat.

A guaranteed, powerful conversation to help you get the upper hand on your marriage. I’d be honored to hear from you.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest, real conversation between two guys. No sales pitch. To get started, shoot me a quick email.

And for the many women wanting to learn more about men, here is a special link for you women.

Lastly for the men who aren’t ready to talk 1:1 and still want to transform their marriage, check out the Men’s Relationship School. Your first visit is free.

It’s a great way to get to know me if you’re interested in coaching but not quite ready yet to shoot me an email.

The post How To Deal With A Verbally Abusive Wife appeared first on Stuart Motola.

That is until I am reminded that it’s a chance to consider how I can up my game in my life and relationship.

What would you like to create in your relationship in the new year? 

It’s not an easy question because it reminds us of what we don’t currently have with our partner. It can feel like a bummer.

So it’s natural to not ask the question and withdraw or check out from any ambitions in your relationship altogether.

Hell, maybe you’ve already put in a bunch of work this past year trying to create what you want with your partner and it hasn’t worked.

It’s enough to put a guy into what I call a “conditional mindset.” Every effort he makes to improve his relationship then becomes conditional.

And so if he’s even still willing to consider working on his relationship, his head spins with questions like…

• What am I going to have to do?
• Will it work?
• How do I know it will work?
• What if my partner rejects my efforts?
• And of course, how much will it cost?

These are all reasonable questions but what often gets missed is that underneath is a scared man seeking to protect himself from failure.

His “failure mindset” becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It’s a paradoxically safe orientation that makes him feel like he’s got everything to lose and nothing to gain when it comes to working on his relationship.

He says things like…

• I’ll do it if it will work.
• I’ll do it if it’s not too hard.
• I’ll do it if she’ll accept my efforts.
• I’ll do it if it doesn’t cost too much.

And so he puts as little skin in the game as possible to feel like he’s doing something without really doing much at all.

He watches a lot of relationship videos on YouTube, reads a few chapters of a relationship book, or works with a therapist based on his hourly rate vs his proven track record of actual results.

It’s what I call a feel-good, half-assed effort.

His willingness to show up 100% is ultimately lacking in all his efforts. To be fully committed to his relationship.

And trust me, your partner can smell that on you a mile away.

How committed are you to transforming your relationship in 2023?

Without commitment, all the New Year’s resolutions and aspirations won’t produce a thing for your relationship.

The good news is that the power to create a kick-ass relationship lies within you.

SWAP out the conditional mindset for the committed mindset.

Check out this 3.5-minute video for a SWAP process that goes straight to the heart of what extinguishes most new year’s resolutions.

Make 2023 a year like none other. The year that you take charge of your relationship once and for all.

Anything less is a disservice to you, your partner, and your family.

Create what you want in your relationship in 2023.

Take the first step and let’s have a quick chat.

A guaranteed, powerful conversation to help you get the upper hand on your marriage. I’d be honored to hear from you.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest, real conversation between two guys. No sales pitch. To get started, shoot me a quick email.

And for the many women wanting to learn more about men, here is a special link for you women.

Lastly for the men who aren’t ready to talk 1:1 and still want to transform their marriage, check out the Men’s Relationship School for free.

It’s a great way to get to know me if you’re interested in coaching but not quite ready yet to shoot me an email.

The post This New Year Take 4 Steps Into Action For Your Relationship appeared first on Stuart Motola.

And yet his wife says a lot of mean things to him. She’s often irritated with him. She’s shut the door on him emotionally and sexually. In a nutshell, she bullies him.

Does your partner bully you?

More and more, I’m hearing from men who feel beaten up, humiliated, and just plain mistreated by their wives.

What’s going on out there that women are so hard on us men?

How’s a guy to show up with a partner who bullies him?

Are you a good guy who wants a kind loving marriage?

And yet, maybe you feel miles away from all that. Maybe you’re wondering how to get back to a good place with your partner.

My client Jason was that guy. He prided himself on being a “good guy.” And sometimes that meant taking a lot of flak from his wife.

But I taught him that to have a great marriage, you have to let go of being a good guy.

Jason learned “good guy” behavior as a kid. You see, his dad was a bully with his mom – yelling and screaming all the time and tyrannizing her.

What did you learn about relationship from your dad?

For some guys growing up, mom was the bully.

Whether dad or mom was a bully, we take a message with us into adulthood that says, “I’ll never treat my wife like that.”

And while our intentions are good, we create something just as damaging.

Instead of being the bully, we become the bullied.

Are you bullied in your relationship?

If so, you might be wondering, how’d that happen?

I’ll tell you how it happens. As a kid, we develop sympathy and attachment to the bullied parent. We root for the underdog. It’s natural human instinct.

Way back then, we saw the bullied parent as the “good one.” The one who didn’t deserve it. The one who wanted peace.

And in our sympathy for the bullied parent, we take on a “good guy” stance, saying to ourselves. “I’ll never be the bully.”

We take the “less bad” option. Better bullied than being the bully. Right?

Is being bullied by your partner your way of proving you’re a “good guy?”

If you said yes, chances are you’re doing all you can to avoid becoming your dad or mom, whoever the bully was.

But that creates a whole new set of problems. Like walking on eggshells and struggling to speak up for what you want.

That was the deal with Jason until we started working together.

The memo I delivered to him was simple. Stop being a “good guy” and instead be a “strong, powerful, kind man.”

In the video below, I talk about how he did this with a few simple strategies. And in the text below, I talk more about those strategies.

Jason’s first strategy was what I call the “energetic shield.” The ability to not take it on the bullying. To witness it but not make it his fault that his wife was upset.

When Jason had an experience of this, he said to me, “I can fuckin’ do that?”

“Yes, you can,” I said. He felt a newfound freedom.

What if you had a shield to protect yourself from your partner’s bullying?

The second strategy was the Great Pause. The timeout. The “hey, this isn’t working for me. I’m going to step out for a moment. But I’m glad to continue this when you’re calm and collected.”

This second step is often tough for a lot of guys because it jams the circuits of his normal behavior of trying to make her ok. But it’s key to changing the old patterns.

What if you could change old patterns with your partner by simply taking a pause?

The third step was to say what he needed. In his case, that was a calm productive exchange.

The challenge here is a lot of guys have no idea what they need. But with a little bit of reflection and guidance, you can know what you need.

Are you speaking up for what you need in your relationship?

And to be clear, all the good strategies in the world are great. But you have to be fully committed to creating the change you seek.

Are you at a place where you’re done with the old dynamic with your partner?

Are you wanting to end bullying in your relationship once and for all?

If so, let’s have a quick chat. A guaranteed, powerful conversation to give you meaningful insights on how to create the relationship you want.

And to be clear, talking with me is just an honest, real conversation between two guys. No sales pitch.

I’d be honored to hear from you. Move into action and shoot me a quick email.

And for the many women reading this, who are wanting to learn more about men, here is a special link for you women.

Lastly for the men who aren’t ready to talk 1:1 and still want to transform their marriage or just know who the hell I am to consider coaching, check out the Men’s Relationship School.

The post The Moment My Wife Stopped Bullying Me appeared first on Stuart Motola.

That is, until I am reminded that it’s a chance to consider how I can up my game in my life and relationship.

What would you like to create in your relationship in the new year? 

It’s not an easy question because if reminds us of what we don’t currently have with our partner. It can feel like a bummer.

So it’s natural to not ask the question and withdraw or check out from any ambitions in your relationship altogether.

Hell, maybe you’ve already put a bunch of work this past year trying to create what you want with your partner and it hasn’t worked.

It’s enough to put a guy into what I call a “conditional mindset.” Every effort he makes to improve his relationship then becomes conditional.

And so if he’s even still willing to consider working on his relationship, his head spins with questions like…

• What am I going to have to do?
• Will it work?
• How do I know it will work?
• What if my partner rejects my efforts?
• And of course, how much will it cost?

These are all reasonable questions but what often gets missed is that underneath is a scared man seeking to protect himself from failure.

His “failure mindset” becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.

It’s a paradoxically safe orientation which makes him feel like he’s got everything to lose and nothing to gain when it comes to working on his relationship.

He says things like…

• I’ll do it if it will work.
• I’ll do it if it’s not too hard.
• I’ll do it if she’ll accept my efforts.
• I’ll do it if it doesn’t cost too much.

And so he puts as little skin in the game as possible to feel like he’s doing something without really doing much at all.

He watches a lot of relationship videos on YouTube, reads a few chapters of a relationship book, or works with a therapist based on his hourly rate vs his proven-track record of actual results.

It’s what I call a feel good, half-assed effort.

In all his efforts, what’s ultimately lacking is his willingness to show up 100%. To be fully committed to his relationship.

And trust me, your partner can smell that on you a mile away.

How committed are you to transform your relationship in 2022?

Without commitment, all the New Year’s resolutions and aspirations won’t produce a thing for your relationship.

The good news is that the power to create a kick-ass relationship lies within you.

SWAP out the conditional mindset for the committed mindset.

Check out this 3.5 minute video for a SWAP process that goes straight to the heart of what extinguishes most new year’s resolutions.

Make 2022 a year like none other. The year that you take charge of your relationship once and for all.

Anything less is a disservice to you, your partner, and your family.

Create what you want in your relationship in 2022. Check out The Men’s Relationship School for one month at half price during the next 7 days with the “checkitout” code.

And if you’re like many guys facing divorce in January, having gotten through the holidays, email me to learn more about a powerful group of 4 men transforming the crisis of divorce into the opportunity of a lifetime forever.

The post Forget About New Year’s Resolutions For Your Relationship appeared first on Stuart Motola.

“‘You don’t contribute to the family. You’re not present for me. You’re on your phone too much,’ she says to me.” Steve sighs.

Is your wife tough on you?

A lot of guys hear these words, or similar, from their wife. Good guys, just like you and me.

Men who want to do better in their marriage. Men who listen to their wife’s feedback. Men who want to be a better partner for her.

But the problem is these guys also do something else. Something my client Steve did.

Do you do it as well?

“Steve,” I said. “What’s the story you tell yourself when your wife is critical of you?”

“That she’s not happy. That I’m not enough for her. How I need to show up more,” he said.

“And do you believe this story?” I asked.

“Believe? What do you mean? I’m just telling you what she tells me.”

“Actually, you were telling me the story you tell yourself when your wife’s critical of you. Correct?”

“Yeah, so?”

Without knowing it, Steve had internalized his wife’s story as who he was.

Have you lost your sense of identity in your relationship?

If so, then chances are, like Steve, you’ve also abandoned your wants and needs. And even shut down any hopes of getting your needs ever met at all.

Typically, when men get to this point, they go into a daily doldrums cycle of just trying to get through the days of their marriage.

Are you just trying to get through your marriage?

Most guys do this to try to keep their family together.

The problem is it’s a losing strategy. And it can cost you years of your life, walking on eggshells around your wife.

In the process, your wife is never happy. Neither are you. And your kids wonder, do mom and dad even like (no less love) each other?

You deserve better, as do your kids and your wife.

Are you walking on eggshells around your wife?

This strategy will never get you what you want in your relationship. It will only keep you feeling like you’re not enough for her.

But truth be told, and I know it’s hard to believe. Within every guy is a bold, confident, and composed man who knows who he is and who he wants to be in his relationship.

A man who does not mistake his wife’s feedback for his identity.

This man lives in you. But you have yet to unleash him.

Do you want to reclaim your confidence and courage with your partner?

If so, let me coach you for a moment, in the video below, with two simple key strategies that Steve used, and you can too, to become your bold, best self in relationship.

I helped Steve do a few things to transform his marriage, including to:

• Stop internalizing his wife’s complaints for who he was.
• Start getting clear on who he wanted to be in his relationship.
• Be his best self for the sake of his wife and kids.

After years of books and podcasts, Steve changed how he showed up in his marriage, working with me.

Not because I was superman. But because he was ready to take action and be held accountable for the marriage he created.

For him, that action started with a simple email to me, asking to have his feet held to the fire.

We chatted, got to know each other, and decided we were a fit.

Steve wasn’t one of those guys wanting to be saved, rescued, or told what to do.

If that’s you, no shame. It just means you’re not ready to step into action quite yet.

But if you’re clear that you want to transform the relationship you co-create with your partner, join my next confidential Men’s Relationship Tools zoom call on Tuesdays at 9am MST.

And to learn how not to lose your identity in your relationship, join my private mens-only Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship.

The post How To Not Lose Your Identity With Your Wife appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Before he even lays down his shoulder bag, she says, “Did you take care of the credit card issue?”

F*#k, I spaced. What do I tell her?

She sees the look in his eyes and says, “You didn’t, did you? You said you would. Why didn’t you do it?”

Underneath, he hears, You’re not reliable, I can’t trust you, that’s why I never have sex with you.  Why did I ever marry you?

Have you ever felt like you’re in trouble with your wife or partner?

If yes, then you can relate to my client. For confidentiality purposes, I will call him Rick.

In the moment, Rick gets hooked. He feels his wife’s charge and tries not to escalate.

“I told you I’d take care of it. I had a long day at work. I’ll get it done.”

“You said you’d do it earlier? Why didn’t you do it when you said you would? Now I can’t charge…”

“Please! I said I’ll get it done. Stop freaking out!”

The last sentence slips out of his mouth before he can take it back. He wishes he could retract it.

And things escalate from there. A full blown fight.

Rick and his wife are too heated in the moment to address the bigger underlying issues of trust and safety.

Afterwards, Rick is upstairs sitting on his bed, wondering, How the fuck did that happen again?

Do you ever wonder – “How’d we get here again?”

For Rick, the cycle felt like rinse and repeat, over and over.

Through the years, he’d tried therapy and working on better communication strategies. But still, he struggled to halt the cycle.

In a few months, Rick and I got to the bottom of things.

“You take on your wife’s emotions as a way of trying to be a good guy,” I said in our first conversation. He nodded.

If she was upset or troubled, he’d feel it like a punch in the gut. Taking the punch was his badge of honor, as if saying, See, I’m a good guy. I empathize.

Do you try to be a ‘good guy’ for your partner?

For Rick, it was his unconscious way of believing a good man fixes his wife’s problems. But the problem was that when he failed, he got resentful.

When we talked further, he spoke another relevant truth.

“At the same time, it’s almost as if I want to be unreliable with her. It’s almost as if I want to get in trouble and let her down. But yet that makes no sense.”

It made lots of sense. A part of Rick was rebelling against the ‘good guy.’

And in our work together, I held him accountable to act differently, to defuse his inner war between the ‘good guy’ and the rebel.

Taking on his wife’s emotions created the crucible for these two characters to do battle.

I coached him to stop taking on her emotions. And from there, we were able to shift him into a new and more productive strategy.

Do you take on your wife’s emotions?

It’s a shadowy version of “serve and protect,” as in protect her from upset. As a result, guys mistake rescuing their partner for authentic empathy.

Once Rick got clear on that distinction, he learned how to do things differently.

To not take on his wife’s emotions. To not let her upset get him upset.

In time, he learned that when his wife came at him with a problem, he could do something different.

Stay open to be caring and aware of what was important to her, without saddling himself with the weight of her emotions.

Like anything, it took Rick some practice to get it right but once he did, he found things didn’t escalate and he could be a better partner to his wife, without needing to fix or rescue her.

And as a result, he became more trustworthy and solid to his wife, feeling confident and bold to defuse the dynamic of answering to her. And that resulted in more freedom and playfulness in his marriage.

“Holy f*#k! I can do that!” Rick said when he shared his most recent win, not taking on her emotions, and remaining in his confident self.

Do you take on your wife’s emotions to be a ‘good guy’?

Discover if that is true for you in the video below.

Rick was successful with his wife because he was willing to:

• Be responsible for himself instead of expecting someone to save him.
• Not trade his self-confidence for his wife’s approval.
• Do the hard work to take action instead of hiding out in shame

What about you? Are you willing to do these things to create change in your marriage?

If yes, let’s explore what’s possible for you. Join my next free & confidential Men’s Relationship Tools zoom call on Tuesdays at 9am MST.

For daily relationship advice and conversation with men only in a private Facebook Group, go to Men Mastering Relationship.

The post I’m Tired Of Taking On Her Emotions appeared first on Stuart Motola.

The fireworks. Spark. Excitement. Sex. Chemistry. Compatibility.

That desire to be together all the time. The urge to merge. The yearning to lose yourself in one another. A beautiful sense of oneness.

The ultimate love. No secrets, no boundaries, no struggles.

You let her in fully. She let you in fully. You were one.

Have you ever felt like one with your partner?

Sure, it’s beautiful. But as you know, it doesn’t last long.

As you move into a long-term committed relationship, eventually you begin wondering, how come what I loved about her at first now annoys me?

In time, the desire to be together changes into the desire for space. You hit speed bumps, obstacles. You wonder, can we make it through this? Is it worth it?

And yet it’s in this moment where you get to see how much work you’re willing to put into your relationship.

But often, you’re only focused on the problems and how to eliminate them.

What if those problems brought you closer to your partner?

It’s possible but not without winning strategies. One of those strategies is counterintuitive for most men. It’s the opposite of what we do in the honeymoon phase of relationship.

And because we often don’t know that, we mistake it for something wrong. But nothing’s wrong. You’re human. And you have a new need post honeymoon. And that is the need for space.

Not just physical but emotional space. And ironically, space helps you feel closer to your partner. Distance to create closeness. Absence to make the heart fonder.

And so, to honor your need for emotional space, set healthy boundaries with your partner.  It’s much better than being irritable and annoyed with her all the time when all you really need is some space.

Healthy boundaries in a relationship allow for individuation and union. Healthy boundaries cultivate trust, respect, and the safety to just be you.

Do you set healthy boundaries with your partner?

Knowing how to set a healthy boundary helps you be more free with your partner. Free to be you. Free to ask for what you want. And free of enmeshment.

Think of it like this. The warrior sets the boundary so that the lover can be safe to love more freely.

In this two and a half minute video, I teach two kinds of boundaries to set in your relationship to experience more freedom with your partner.

Being your own man, your own person is part of who you are as a man. Don’t let your partner deprive you of that. Educate her.

Tell her, I’m here for you AND I need to take space at times so that I can love you better.

Do you struggle to be your own man with your partner? If so, shoot me a quick email today. Let’s explore what’s possible for you.

Not ready to talk? Join my next free & confidential Men’s Relationship Tools Zoom Call on Tuesdays at 9am MST.

And for daily relationship tips, check out my men’s-only Facebook Group Men Mastering Relationship.

The post Set Healthy Boundaries And Feel Free With Her appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Fear of not being enough for her.
Fear of letting her down.
Fear of not making her happy.

I’ve seen all kinds of fears from guys during years of coaching men in their relationships.

And the biggest thing I teach guys is this…

It’s not her that you need to focus on, to get past your fears, but you.

Your sense of you. Who you are. And how fear has infiltrated your identity as a man with your partner.

Do you ever say to yourself, I can’t do anything right with her?

If you said yes, then you’ve bought into her story of who you are.

And that’s a man who can’t do anything right with her.

And this dynamic of giving up your identity, your sense of who you for her, weakens you as a man.

It makes you less desirable, less attractive, and less powerful to create the relationship you ultimately want.

For years, I’ve seen men buy into the belief that they can make their partner happy by betraying themselves. And through this belief, they end up in a lot of misery.

They end up fragmented and split apart inside by two polarizing forces.

One force that says, I need to be someone else for her. And another that knows being someone else other than who you are, for anyone, is a booby trap.

And when a man is in the first force, he says things like…

“Tell me what you want. I’ll do anything to make you happy.”

Have you ever said that to your partner?

If so, I invite you to take a moment and self-reflect.

What was running you in that moment?

Fear.

How does a man get past his fears of not being enough for his partner?
How does he not let fear run him?
How does he not give up who he is for her?

Check out this short video to discover how to be fearless in your relationship.

Ultimately, fear in your relationship is an opportunity.

It’s a way of getting strong. It’s a way of finding out who you are as a man and what you really stand for.

To face that fear, you need courage.

Courage defined not as the absence of fear but acting in the face of it.

Join a group of men doing just that this Tuesday at 9am MT.

The post How to Be Fearless With Her appeared first on Stuart Motola.