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Discuss & Discover A Band of Powerful Brothers Tuesday at 8am mtn time.

A Free Zoom Call where…

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Stuart had the privilege to speak with Lesli Doares on how trying to make your partner happy wastes love and energy. The myth that you can make your partner happy causes a lot of pain and suffering. Instead, you can focus on what you need to be happy and bring your happiness to your partner.

The post Stuart on Web Talk Radio’s “Happily Ever After” appeared first on Stuart Motola.

She says this. He says that. She gets angry. He gets pissed. Something hurtful is said somewhere along the way. Both of you are triggered and feel really unsafe.

Two individuals, supposedly together, spin down separate rabbit holes. Thoughts fly off the handle.

Do I have a future with this person?
Is this going to work?
How many times can we do this?

You leave the interaction, all worked up. Or maybe with a mutual decision to revisit it later. Regardless, an inner frequency screams, You’re not safe.

A few hours pass, or a day or two, before you connect with your partner again. What happens to you?

Do you badger yourself with questions like…
Why did I say that?
How can I make it better?
What can I do to make him (or her) love me again?
For reference sake, let’s call this person #1.

Or maybe you’re filled with blame and projection, thinking…
He always acts like that.
She wants too much from me.
She/he is so insecure.
We’ll call this person #2.

Or maybe you just shut it all out. F*#k it, I don’t want to deal with this shit. I’m going to have a drink.  Person #3.

Or you calm down and say to yourself, It’ll be okay. Give her/him some time.
Person #4.

Which one of the above are you?

Whichever you are, the common denominator is the opportunity to be with yourself in the aftermath. A chance to see how you hold yourself. How you are in healthy self-relationship or not.

And yet most people won’t go there — self-inquiry. They’ll  repeat the same patterns again and again, instead of doing the work of growth and change. But that’s not you or else you wouldn’t be reading this.

“The way out of a trap is to know the way the trap is built. Only then will it cease being a trap.”
― Marguerite Beecher, Beyond Success and Failure

Ok, what’s your trap?  Let’s unwind the dynamics above.

If you’re person #1, you want to make things better before you’ve even had a chance to be with yourself. You’re what’s called a Fixer or Rescuer. I know that path well and lived it for many years. I even wrote a book with Fixing You in the title.

As a Fixer, your job during and after conflict is to be with yourself. To self-regulate. Deep breaths. Meditation. Walks. Whatever it takes. Forget about your partner for a little bit. Reduce the energy put into thoughts of — Will she leave me? Will she still love me? How can I make it better?

Most of all, stop fixing your partner as a way of avoiding yourself. No more – if she’s ok, I can be ok. That’s called self-betrayal.  Instead, ask yourself — How can I be ok? How can I take care of myself? Time to be selfish.

If you’re person #2, you’re a blamer.  It’s all blame, shame, and projection. You’re essentially doing the same thing as person #1, but your target is your partner, instead of yourself. You don’t try to fix but you’re ready for war.

Like person #1, you’re not dealing with what’s inside of you – the hurt, the disappointment, the sadness. All you act on is the top emotion of anger. And yet underneath anger is sadness. Get to your sadness.

In blaming, you project the hurt you feel onto your partner as a way of not dealing with yourself. Maybe they did actually do something wrong or say something stupid or hurtful, how can you come to them with strength and compassion?

For both persons #1 and #2, it’s all about noticing what’s happening within you, the emotions you feel. This takes work. When the work is not done, outcomes include lifelong codependency, victim consciousness, adultery, drug addiction, violence, and worse.

Person #3 is an abdicator. He or she kicks the can down the road, checks out, and numbs. Again another way of not dealing with self and hard feelings. No good relational outcomes come for this person either.

Person #4 is actually the healthiest. He self-regulates by not freaking out. He understands that time heals and gives perspective. He cuts himself some slack. He gets out of his reptilian fight or flight system.

And yet, what is not stated for person #4 is responsible self-reflection. To ask — Did I contribute to the conflict? If so, how can I take responsibility for my part?

Person #4 is not the norm. To get to this place takes grit and perseverance — working your way out of the trap of reactivity, cultivating healthy self-relationship, and self-responsibility.

You do not project, blame, fix, or numb. Instead, you take responsibility and honor yourself and your partner. What’s that look like?

Learn more next week in a piece entitled, “Focus On The Repair, Not The Damage.”

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Stuart will answer your questions and dive into juicy topics like:

• Are you betraying yourself in your relationship?
• Are you in a Big Love or small love?
• Do you feel alone (and yet you’re in a relationship)?
• How do you attract what you seek?
• How important is sex really? And what to do when it’s not happening.

All topics are great for couples and individuals alike.

Tune in on Facebook at the link below. 

https://www.facebook.com/believeberealbebold/

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Talk Title: “Stop Betraying Yourself & Get The Love You Seek”
Time: Saturday, April 27, 2:30 – 3:15 in The Aspen Room
Locaion: PPA Event Center
2105 Decatur St, Denver, Colorado 80211

Do you approach love, dating, and relationships with the unconscious desire to belong to someone? How would things change if instead you already belonged to someone? Would you even bother going on a date, or seeking a relationship? In this workshop, we’ll look at what we bring to our search for love, how that often sets us up for disappointment, and how to change that.

The Radical Love Summit is open to singles wanting to learn how to:

• Move from heartbreak and hurt that has left your heart shattered.
• Become a magnet for love.
• Find, create, and keep an amazing relationship!
• Cultivate an amazing relationship from the start.
• Open the door to intimacy, touch, love, affection, sensuality, and connection.
• AND SO MUCH MORE!
  Learn more

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“Fixing You Is Killing Me: A Conscious Roadmap to Knowing When to Save & When to Leave A Relationship” maps out a sovereign model of partnership based in self-relationship and being your best self for and with your spouse or partner.

Other book insights include how to:
– act courageously when relationship challenges arise.
– unhook from old unhealthy relational patterns that keep you stuck.
– use relationship struggles to grow wiser.
– cultivate a relationship with both passion and security.
– know the difference between a love that makes you bigger versus smaller.
– rediscover and cultivate who you seek to be and manifest it in your relationship.
– confront your fear of loss and honor the gifts you’ve created with your partner when and if change is inevitable.

Stuart Motola knows the landscape. He lived it in a 20-year marriage and has consistently guided his coaching clients to a positive resolution. He can help you navigate a relationship that has flatlined back to a life of freedom, high energy, and fulfillment.

“Fixing You is Killing Me” delivers on the promise that conscious action will lead you to the authentic, energized life you were born to live.

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– Self betrayal in relationship

– The myth of The One who will complete me

– How we are taught both at a young age

– How this dooms our marriages and relationships

– How to rewire your relationship to be the greatest you for your partner and vice versa.

– When and how we know it’s time to throw in the towel and move on.

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“Fixing You Is Killing Me:
A Conscious Roadmap to Knowing When to Save & When to Leave A Relationship”

At the Boulder Book Store on June 28, 2018
Pearl Street Mall 1107 Pearl St, Boulder, Colorado 80302
Get Directions Here

What you settle for in your relationship is what you settle for in life.

You’re looking across the dinner table at your partner. The thought comes into your mind: Is this it? Is this what life for us is going to be like forever? You’ve lost your appetite.

You’re not sure if the questions are valid or not, but they come anyway. If this is true for you, this book is a must read.

Stuart Motola knows the landscape. He lived it in a 20 year marriage and has consistently guided his coaching clients to a positive resolution. He can help you navigate a relationship that has flatlined back to a life of freedom, high energy and fulfillment.

In his book, he pulls no punches, opens his heart, and shares his wisdom with clarity. Stuart’s book delivers on the promise that conscious action will lead you to the authentic energized life you were born to live.

Get on the VIP list to get a reminder of this event.

CLICK HERE TO GET ON THE VIP LIST

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