The fireworks. Spark. Excitement. Sex. Chemistry. Compatibility.

That desire to be together all the time. The urge to merge. The yearning to lose yourself in one another. A beautiful sense of oneness.

The ultimate love. No secrets, no boundaries, no struggles.

You let her in fully. She let you in fully. You were one.

Have you ever felt like one with your partner?

Sure, it’s beautiful. But as you know, it doesn’t last long.

As you move into a long-term committed relationship, eventually you begin wondering, how come what I loved about her at first now annoys me?

In time, the desire to be together changes into the desire for space. You hit speed bumps, obstacles. You wonder, can we make it through this? Is it worth it?

And yet it’s in this moment where you get to see how much work you’re willing to put into your relationship.

But often, you’re only focused on the problems and how to eliminate them.

What if those problems brought you closer to your partner?

It’s possible but not without winning strategies. One of those strategies is counterintuitive for most men. It’s the opposite of what we do in the honeymoon phase of relationship.

And because we often don’t know that, we mistake it for something wrong. But nothing’s wrong. You’re human. And you have a new need post honeymoon. And that is the need for space.

Not just physical but emotional space. And ironically, space helps you feel closer to your partner. Distance to create closeness. Absence to make the heart fonder.

And so, to honor your need for emotional space, set healthy boundaries with your partner.  It’s much better than being irritable and annoyed with her all the time when all you really need is some space.

Healthy boundaries in a relationship allow for individuation and union. Healthy boundaries cultivate trust, respect, and the safety to just be you.

Do you set healthy boundaries with your partner?

Knowing how to set a healthy boundary helps you be more free with your partner. Free to be you. Free to ask for what you want. And free of enmeshment.

Think of it like this. The warrior sets the boundary so that the lover can be safe to love more freely.

In this two and a half minute video, I teach two kinds of boundaries to set in your relationship to experience more freedom with your partner.

Being your own man, your own person is part of who you are as a man. Don’t let your partner deprive you of that. Educate her.

Tell her, I’m here for you AND I need to take space at times so that I can love you better.

Do you struggle to be your own man with your partner? If so, shoot me a quick email today. Let’s explore what’s possible for you.

Not ready to talk? Join my next free & confidential Men’s Relationship Tools Zoom Call on Tuesdays at 12pm EST.

The post Set Healthy Boundaries And Feel Free With Her appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Yeah, that’s right fix it. Guys are hungry for a fix.

And so they hear things like…

Be the alpha male and take charge of things.

Don’t let her neuroses rock your calm masculinity.

Get her to do what you want with your clarity.

The problem is all these approaches are transactional.

And you’re dealing with a relational problem.

You can’t use a hammer when you need a screwdriver.

Do you want to improve your relationship?

Relationship requires a whole different set of strategies and tactics than a transactional mindset – you do A, then I’ll do B.

Relationships require us to go deeper within ourselves to the source of why the problems are happening in the first place.

It’s time to ask yourself…

1. Why are you trying to make her happy?

2. Why do you not speak up for your wants and needs?

3. Why do you struggle to set healthy boundaries with her?

To get to the root of the answers, you must go underneath the hood of your relationship to something big, scary and unconscious.

And until you deal with it, few strategies, if any, will fix your marriage.

What is this big scary unconscious thing?

It’s called the mother wound.

Every man has it.

But fears being seen like a child for acknowledging it.

Ironically, not dealing with it keeps him a child with his partner.

In a nutshell, the mother wound speaks to how a man’s relationship with his mother impacts his relationship with all women.

That’s right.

Your nervous system was programmed at a young age to please the first woman in your life, avoid her, or hate her.

Until you’ve done the work of integrating your mother wound, you will project it onto your wife or partner and it will poison your relationship.

Do you want to actually transform your relationship and not just fix it?

Discover how in the video below to get to the deeper root causes of the challenges you experience with your partner.

Most of what you can do for your marriage or relationship is work on yourself.

Transform who you’ve become in the relationship.

You change and then she’s much more likely to change.

Take the first step. Shoot me a quick email.

Stay Strong & Be Relational,
Stu

P.S. Join a band of relational warriors – a small group of men – meeting online every Tuesday at 12pm ET on the Men’s Relationship Tools calls.

First call is free. Reply to get a zoom link.

The post Do This Instead Of Fixing Your Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Second, consider this non-PC phrase. One that men may use to describe a buddy’s romantic state in early relationship.

Are you pussy whipped?

With full respect to women, a woman’s ability to “pussy whip” a man is simultaneously her power to capture him.

And while an intoxicating spell, when a man is in this spell, he’s also forming an unhealthy initial relational attachment with his partner.

And in his early years – his 20’s in particular – it could lead to the long-term decision of marriage.

“She’s the one.

I love her.

She makes me happy.

I want to marry her”

Maybe that was you 10 or 20 years ago as a younger man and today you’re thinking… What happened? Where’d all that magic go?

I hate to say it. But it wasn’t magic. It was a script. An inner script of self-abandonment into your partner. A script setting the foundation for … yep, you guessed it… codependence.

To be whipped or codependent is to…

… place your self-esteem outside of yourself.

… feel like you have to caretake your partner.

… take on the emotional burdens of her upsets.

No disrespect to the whipped man. I was that man for many years in a 20-year marriage. So I know him well.

He’s not a bad guy. And he’s not somebody to be disparaged or made fun of.

Were you once this whipped guy?

Are you a codependent guy today?

What’s that mean for you moving forward?

In a nutshell, you’d know if you’re whipped or codependent because you’d be diminished when your wife or partner rejects you, tells you she’s disappointed in you, or in layman’s terms, has you feeling like she has you by the balls.

So what can you do about feeling like you’re at the mercy of your wife?

First, start to recognize the internal sensations, feelings, or thoughts that you have with her.

Begin to get familiar with those internal dynamics to rewire them.

Notice if you feel caught in her psychological or emotional web.

A sense of if she’s not happy, I can’t be happy.

A feeling of I don’t know where she ends and where I begin.

A thought of it kind of feels good to feel like I’m at her mercy.

All of that is enmeshment, another word for codependence.

And it can feel juicy and delicious and simultaneously imprisoning and destructive.

And to get free, you have to identify the internal dynamics within yourself, as ultimately it’s about you, not her.

Discover if you’re in patterns of codependence with your wife and how to get out of them in the video below.

Enmeshment and codependence are real stuff. We do them as a clumsy and unconscious attempt to heal early life wounds when we were enmeshed with our parents.

It’s extremely psychologically and emotionally unhealthy and will destroy a marriage until you know better.

Yet oddly enough, there is a kink, a good feeling in giving away your power to your wife or partner. It’s unconscious and paradoxical.

To escape from the trap of enmeshment, you need the courage to look at yourself and do the deeper work of relationship.

It begins with you brother. The gift and invitation in all this is to get free. Create the relationship you want.

Take the first step. Shoot me a quick email.

The post How Codependence Can Wreck Your Marriage appeared first on Stuart Motola.

“How do you know that?” I say.

“We never have sex anymore,” he says

Does lack of sex feel like lack of love to you as well?

“Because she doesn’t have sex with you, you don’t feel loved?” I say.

“Correct,” he says

“Do you feel needy?”

He pauses. “Not really.”

Do you feel needy in your marriage?

“But you do need sex?”

He nods.

“To know you’re loved, correct?” I continue.

“I’m confused,” he says.

Would you be confused if your wife said she loved you but wouldn’t have sex with you?

Rick was caught in a trap I see a lot of guys stuck in. He equates sex to love and love to sex.

He’s so good at kicking ass at work as an entrepreneur that he gets his ass kicked at home.

And he feels resentful.

His wife feels his resentment and to protect herself, she weaponizes sex. She uses it to poke back at him.

Over the course of months of working together, Rick and I take a deep dive into three profound relational topics to help him sort out his marriage and get things back on track.

Do you struggle with lack of sex in your marriage? Or with not feeling loved?

Check out the video below to learn about how Sex, Love & Attachment get confused in marriage and discover how to sort them out.

Do you want sex, love, and a kick-ass relationship?

If so, shoot me a quick email to jump on a 15-minute call and see how 1:1 coaching can help you achieve your relationship goals.

Or join me on the Men’s Relationship Tools weekly call on Tuesdays at 12pm ET, a couching roundtable for you to get relationship support for only $67/month.

Check it out anytime. First call is free.

The post Sex, Love, & Attachment in Relationship appeared first on Stuart Motola.

My wife and I were in the kitchen, talking about what we should get my son for Christmas. She asked for my opinion.

I brought my A-game to the conversation. I listened and I was patient. Really tuned into her ideas. I offered what I thought were some solid suggestions. With little thought, she shot them all down.

She then proceeded to tell me that she was going to spend twice what I had proposed because I was being cheap and our son deserved more.

Does your wife ask for your opinion and then ignore it?

In the moment, I thought, Why are you even asking me for my opinion? What was the point of this conversation?

And so I resigned myself thinking, She doesn´t listen to me. She doesn´t value my opinion. She can never be wrong.

But I knew better than to speak those thoughts out loud. Dare I risk conflict with her? And especially during the holidays when I knew for the sake of my son, I had to be on my best behavior.

I remember that moment because it was then that I realized I was hiding out to avoid conflict. I didn´t have the guts or the skills to be honest with her. It gnawed at me. I hated the man I’d become. Needless to say, it was a rough holiday season.

Are you happy with the man you’ve become in your marriage?

In our twenties, I remember that my wife would listen. She was open to my thoughts and opinions. In fact, that was one of the things that I loved about her. She respected my intelligence. She loved my ideas when it came to the holidays.

And then in our thirties, something shifted. Our son was born. Like any new mom, she got anxious. Every time my son cried, her nervous system went into high alert.

That´s when I started orienting around her well-being. I wanted her to be ok. Being a good guy meant making sure my wife and son were ok.

But in the process, I started feeling like a second-class citizen in my own home. I started feeling like she always had to be right. She could never be wrong.

Can your partner rarely admit to being wrong?

It was as if my wife’s intelligence trumped mine – about everything.

Which school my son should go to. What we should do when he was misbehaving. Where we should buy his clothes. What we should do for the holidays.

And then it trickled over to us.

How I was not showing up for her. That I was working too much. That I didn’t help around the house. That she didn´t feel like I was on her team.

And over time, I just threw my hands up. I thought, I’m done arguing with this woman. It’s easier to just let her be right all the time.

Do you let your wife be right all the time?

Over time, it´s easy to feel like you have nothing to contribute after you’ve been shot down time and again for years.

Then one day, you realize you´ve lost who you are. You realize you have no opinions. You don´t care about what´s for dinner, what sofa gets bought, or what you do for the holidays.

And maybe like me, you even wake up, scared in the middle of the night, realizing, “I don´t know who I am anymore. This woman has dominated me, crushed the life out of me.”

Have you lost who you are in your marriage?

You may even ask yourself, Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life?

It’s a crossroads for a lot of guys. But we don´t realize it´s also a major opportunity for us to reclaim the self-confidence and courage that we´ve lost.

To rebuild our backbone. Reclaim our wants and needs. And cut through her emotionality with clarity.

Reject a world where she´s never wrong. And create one where your opinions matter.

To step into integrity and be the man you want to be in your marriage. To create kick-ass holidays where you don’t just feel like wallpaper.

That was the vision of who I wanted to be. The guy I wanted to model for my son.

And that´s the man I became. And you can too. Meet that man in the video below.

Are you choosing the status quo over aliveness in your marriage?

Every day that you hide, retreat, or withdraw in your relationship is a day that you betray yourself. You think it’s the status quo. You think it’s peace.

But silently you are deepening the roots of a marriage in which you play small.

At the end of the day, most of us guys want a few simple things in marriage. Trust, acceptance, connection, sex, and the ability to relax and love his wife.

And yet instead, most of us agree to a world where our wife can never be wrong.

Being a confident and capable man in your relationship is not as hard as it seems. Yes, it’s work. I won’t B.S. you.

But when you step in, make it a priority, and do it with a group of guys doing the same, it’s transformational and dare I say, even fun.

Do you want to make this the most fulfilling holiday season in years?

Get your relational chops tuned up just before the holidays.

Go into the holidays with clarity, confidence, and boldness, instead of just dragging yourself into the new year. Check out two ways below to do so.

One, if you´re on the brink of divorce, be the best man you can be for your kids and family this holiday season. In a quick chat by email or a call, I´ll help you stay strong this holiday season.

And second, if you´re committed to your marriage, check out The Men’s Relationship Tools and…

• Learn simple strategies for the holidays to be COOL & COLLECTED with your partner.
• Discover how not to TRIP UP when she wants to break the bank this holiday.
• Set yourself up to go into 2022 as a new you, a CONFIDENT & BOLD man in relationship.

The post It’s The Holidays & My Wife Can Never Be Wrong appeared first on Stuart Motola.

“It’s your job to make her happy.”

“If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

No doubt you’ve heard one or all of these expressions. Maybe one of these voices lives in your head.

How do you make your wife happy?

Every month I talk to guys who approach their marriage as a “wife happy-making” endeavor.

They realize they’re not happy. So they go with this belief…

If I can make her happy then I can be happy.

Do you prioritize your wife’s happiness over your own?

If so, I honor your intention to be selfless, to be a good man, to put your wife first.

But I will also add it’s disingenuous. Meaning you’re not being honest.

You have an ulterior motive; and that is your own happiness.

Do you try to meet your wife’s needs to get her to meet yours?

Let’s be clear, this is classic human nature. There’s no shame in having an ulterior motive.

That’s part of what makes us human. We are constantly scanning the landscape of our lives to see what we can get and where we can get it.

But until we acknowledge this, we will do the sideways game of seeking our own happiness through our partner’s.

What if you just went directly after what you want?

First, you’re more likely to get it. And second, you’ll be less frustrated.

The first way to do so is to call out the old pattern of trying to make her happy. And get clear on the disingenuity of it. Read this next sentence twice if necessary.

Nobody can make anyone happy.

Sure, you can offer acts of kindness or loving words in a moment.

But you can’t make anyone happy on a long-term basis.

Her happiness is her responsibility.

That means she, just like you, has to get clear on her authentic wants and needs and advocate for them in a relational manner.

Screaming, complaining, cutting you down is not relational. Nor is walking out, avoiding, withdrawing, or stonewalling.

If this is your reality with your partner, check out how to stop old and unhealthy patterns.

So how can you be happy if she’s not happy?

In the video below, learn to claim your own well-being in relationship without putting her needs above your own.

And so, ask yourself another question, beyond how do I make my wife happy.

A question that brings you to the third entity of the “we.” Beyond you and beyond her.

A place for you both to do the work to meet in between.

How do you create a kick-ass relationship?

Dive deeper. Shoot me a quick email. Let’s jump on a 15 minute call and see how 1:1 coaching can benefit you.

Or join me on the next Men’s Relationship Tools weekly call on Tuesdays at 12pm ET, a couching roundtable for any man to get relationship support, for only $67/month.

The post How Do You Make Your Wife Happy? appeared first on Stuart Motola.

In this video, discover play by play how to finally get through to her.

The post What To Do When You Fear Your Relationship Is Over appeared first on Stuart Motola.

Move into action.

Remove the blocks that keep you from getting through to her.

Shoot me a quick email for a quick chat.

A guaranteed, powerful, honest conversation, keeping it real, to give you meaningful insights on how to create the relationship you want.

For the women out there, let’s talk as well.  That’s right, as a men’s coach, I help female partners better navigate with their male partners.

Guys, forward this link to your woman or check it out yourself.

Not ready for 1:1 coaching and still want to transform your relationship?

Check out the Men’s Relationship Tools weekly calls. Reply to join your first call for free.

The post How To Finally Get Through To Your Woman appeared first on Stuart Motola.

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